Don't know what to make of DH's lack of concern

[Boots4me]

I have been feeling ill since Friday: sense of doom, feeling sick, and stomach pains. I have a range of pre-existing health conditions, and I often feel unwell.

DH isn't too concerned, he keeps saying "it's probably a virus, you'll be fine."

He then suggested going to A&E which I didn't want to and I'm sure he said that to shut me up.

But I feel so upset and angry at his indifference. He keeps either downplaying my concerns or telling me that there is nothing he can do. I've just ignored him for now am not responding to him

I just wanted him to listen to me.

Sense of doom? Come on. My husband would take the piss if I told him I felt ill with a sense of doom.

To be honest, I don't hold a great deal of sympathy for people who are often unwell, which might sound heartless but I'm very much a get on with it person. Even if my children complain about feeling poorly, I offer them paracetamol and if they refuse I just say you can't be that poorly then...

You sound quite tiresome and attention seeking, maybe you are actually quite ill but then I would assume A&E would be the right option.

It's hard for us to know if he's genuinely uncaring or simply has compassion fatigue after hearing a lot of it.

YABU

You are acting like you’re really poorly but yet won’t go to A&E, so you’re obviously not that bad.

So either he’s right snd it’s probably just a virus, which I’m not sure what you want him to do about it?

Or you’re genuinely unwell but then he’s also told you to go to A&E and so again I’m not sure what you want him to do about it?

If you don’t think it’s an A&E trip then you obviously aren’t that unwell.

Go and have a soak in the bath and an early night.
You’ll probably feel better after a good nights rest.

And the OP is also deciding not to listen to the responses as they are not endorsing their feelings either.

OP, your partner cannot do anything at all about your sense of doom. He suggested going to A&E and giving other poster's comment about it possibly being a sign of an imminent heart attack, sepsis etc, you don't appear to be too concerned. So what can anyone do? What can your partner do?

Are they expected to just sit with you all the time holding your hands while you moan constantly about your situation but not willing to seek solutions.

If this has been going on for some time, months or years, no wonder it comes to a point where your partner stops reacting.

You need to see your GP and engage in counselling. You can't put it all on your partner's shoulders. Otherwise, one day you will have no one to moan at if they have walked out the door for good.

He's probably had his fill of attention seeking.

He wants to talk to you now, but you're trying to make some kind of point so 🤷

Are you actually ill. If so see a doctor. If you won't there isn't much your DH can do.

It may be that he doesn't care, but it may also be that he does care but, if these are chronic conditions, he can't actually do anything to help, so he feels useless and fed up. Maybe he has listened many times before and doesn't have the energy to keep listening to something he can't change? I don't mean that to sound harsh, and sometimes a partner should be there to just listen and comfort. But if the expectation he does this is becoming more frequent, and it's apparent that he can't give the type of support you need, it would be better to seek it elsewhere, like through a group for people with the same/similar illness, friends or a therapist. Giving him the silent treatment is not the best way to move forward, or to get the help you need. If your condition has worsened/doesn't seem to be improving, I would take him up on the suggestion to go to A&E.

He's tried reassuring you that you'll be ok and he's tried suggesting action (go to A&E). What do you actually want him to do? In what way is he not listening to you? Is he walking off when you are telling him how you're feeling?

Giving him the silent treatment when he's trying to talk to you is childish and counterproductive btw.

This.

I like the phrase "compassion fatigue".

A euphemism for being thoroughly fed up with someone constantly whining about their health but refusing to go to A&E.

If you're frequently unwell maybe your husband is exhausted from having the same conversations

Crikey, you sound very very needy. What do you want the poor guy to do, I can imagine your driving him mad with your whining, just reading this post irritated me !

Do you have health anxiety OP?

Yes I agree it's probably compassion fatigue. Obviously it's not nice being the one unwell a lot, but it's also difficult to live with. Perhaps you've just caught him on a day where he's just not got the bandwidth for it. He doesn't sound like he's been cruel or unpleasant about it, just maybe not as fulsome and supportive as you would like?

Isn't that hypochondria ?

I'm sure he DOES care OP. Kindly, it can be very draining/boring listening to someone go on about feeling so ill but refusing to do anything about it. DH can be like that. Suggestions of GP/painkillers/sleep are all met with refusal, but he will still be moaning and groaning. I adore the man, and care more than anything about his health, but i don't to listen to a updated symptom list every 30 minutes when I can't do anything to help or he won't listen to practical suggestions.

Is it a case of you complaining about feeling unwell and being worried but not doing anything about it? TBH my husband does this occasional and it really annoys me, complains for days that somethings off or he’s in pain etc but refuses to see GP or take as much as a paracetamol. If he doesn’t take it seriously enough to do anything about it I don’t see why I should? Most of the time he just wants a bit of attention and to put on the housecoat of doom so I ignore.

It's also often associated with anxiety. I have health anxiety and if I'd actually had sepsis every time I felt a sense of doom I'd have died about 80 times by now.

Same here. Never heard it before but I am definitely suffering from this and my DH is definitely a sympathy seeker (another phrase I haven’t heard before).

It's usually referred to as health anxiety these days. It is real and highly distressing. It's a form of OCD.

I have a range of pre-existing health conditions, and I often feel unwell.

it’s not that he doesn’t care, but what do you want him to say? It probably is a virus. You have agreed it’s not an A&E job. And now he will listen you are, in a rather petty manner, not talking to him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sometimes you just want empathy and kindness, not a solution. Some people, male and female, don't understand this. So you need to be blunt and say - I don't want you to solve it, I just want you to say - I'm sorry you feel rubbish, would you like me to run you a bath/go to the shops for comforting things/ cuddle up and watch a film/ make you a hot water bottle etc etc whatever makes you feel cared for.