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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to be 7 months pregnant at my own destination wedding?

109 replies

FruitPastel54321 · 01/12/2024 08:01

We’re getting married abroad next year (4hr flight) and despite using condoms, have just discovered I am 4-5 weeks pregnant with DC3. Safe to say we are in complete shock and disbelief.

We booked the wedding 2 years in advance and almost 20 families have booked to join us for the week, costing a few £k per family. We have already spent a lot on the wedding ourselves.

I’d be 7 months pregnant at the wedding, 5 months at my hen do (which is in the UK but also booked and paid for). I already bought my wedding dress earlier this year and it’s boned and fitted.

On top of this, I’m starting a new job in January and would be due in August - I know maternity leave is a legal right but I can’t help but feel guilty that I’d have to tell a new employee within a few weeks of joining.

We know we want a 3rd, it’s just such unexpected timing, it’s caught us totally off guard and we’re not sure if going ahead with the pregnancy is the right decision, mainly based on my job situation but paired with the wedding plans too I am desperately struggling to imagine 2025 looking SO different to what we thought.

I do also try to be sensitive as some of our friends have struggled TTC, so please no judgement for considering all options here.

WWYD?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/12/2024 08:02

Can you fly when you’re that pregnant?

WilfredsPies · 01/12/2024 08:05

Yeah I’d check the flight restrictions if I were you.

It’ll all work out. Even if not the way you’d planned.

monkeysox · 01/12/2024 08:05

DustyLee123 · 01/12/2024 08:02

Can you fly when you’re that pregnant?

Yeah, you wont ve allowed to fly after 32 to 34 weeks depending on airlines.

Dragonsandcats · 01/12/2024 08:06

I don’t think you’ll be allowed to fly. And if you can, what are the hospitals like if you have an early birth there. I know someone this happened to. Make sure you have very good insurance!

Mindymomo · 01/12/2024 08:07

These things happen, firstly find out if you can fly that late, it’s the date returning. Do you have wedding insurance does this cover for this. Personally I wouldn’t want to fly that late, can you get married sooner at home.

Purpleturtle46 · 01/12/2024 08:08

The reasons you have given are definitely not worth terminating a pregnancy when you know you want another baby. You will get your head around it all and make it work. Yes it's not the best timing but I am sure you will look back one day and laugh about it all. All being well (and you are allow to fly) it sounds like all you need to change is your dress.

EmotionalSupportPotato · 01/12/2024 08:09

If you can't fly just rearrange the wedding?

It's up to you really.

Haroldwilson · 01/12/2024 08:12

I wouldn't terminate. See if it's cheaper to delay or cancel. I flew at 7 months, needed a note from doctor.

Is the destination somewhere you'd need jabs for? That might be an issue.

Zanatdy · 01/12/2024 08:13

I don’t think I could terminate a pregnancy just for those reasons. The best thing would be to delay. You can always offer to pick up the cost for everyone that they incur for changing it. Most companies will allow that. 7 months is quite late to be travelling overseas and there is a risk that a doctor might not sign off flying that late if you have any complications. I’d probably wait until 12wk scan before speaking to anyone about rearranging

applestewing · 01/12/2024 08:16

Tricky cause if I was your friend going and had spent out money on your wedding I’d be thrilled you were pregnant but also pissed off about loosing money (assuming your guests won’t get a full refund because there’s no reason they can’t still go) but I’d likely get over it eventually 😂

I think you’d need to consider cancelling the destination wedding full stop if you go ahead with the pregnancy and do something closer to home instead.

I wouldn’t worry about the job apart from not being entitled to full maternity pay potentially depending on your dates

eta i think because of your return date it’s unlikely you’ll get signed off to fly and hopefully you won’t have any issues but if you did you might not feel like flying at all

Onelifeonly · 01/12/2024 08:16

That's tough. The baby is the most important part of your decision making though. You need to decide if you are keeping it and everything else will flow from there.

Onlyvisiting · 01/12/2024 08:17

I don't know if you CAN fly that late in pregnancy, but unless it's a country with good health care and you can get travel insurance that includes pregnancy I wouldn't want to. Can you imagine if you had complications or a prem labour and were stuck a 4 hour flight from home? I just wouldn't risk it.
You are very early and in my head that would make a termination easier..... but if you know you want a 3rd I'm not sure I could bring my self to prioritise a new job and wedding over it. How old are you? Goe old are your first 2 dc? And are they with the same dad? IF it turned out that this was your last chance, how would you cope? Personally I wouldn't have a big wedding by choice so I'm not a good judge, but I would move the wedding to the UK and sooner if it was me. Workwise- I don't know the legalities, I assume it is fine. I'd feel more guilty if it was a tiny company where it would be really awkward to replace someone again so soon, a big business would have better flexibility I assume.
Would you definitely go back FT after the birth?

Original poster
FruitPastel54321 · 01/12/2024 08:23

Thanks all - I’d be 32 weeks on return and it’s Greece. Other DCs are 2 and 4, all with same dad, very happy family unit. We are both in our early 30s.

My biggest concern currently is that I’m overwhelmed guilt for our guests who have spent the money on the holiday if we end up cancelling the wedding

OP posts:
lateatwork · 01/12/2024 08:25

You don't necessarily have to fly to Greece. You could take the train/ferry (depending where it is...) will obviously take more time. May not be super comfy when 7mths pregnant - but possible.

Vettrianofan · 01/12/2024 08:25

Get booked into registry office and get married in a lovely outfit in time for Christmas or in the New Year. Have your massive reception party abroad once baby arrives.

Dragonsandcats · 01/12/2024 08:27

i wouldn’t terminate a baby I wanted because of this. Sorry the timing has made things tricky but you can make it all work.

Onlyvisiting · 01/12/2024 08:30

FruitPastel54321 · 01/12/2024 08:23

Thanks all - I’d be 32 weeks on return and it’s Greece. Other DCs are 2 and 4, all with same dad, very happy family unit. We are both in our early 30s.

My biggest concern currently is that I’m overwhelmed guilt for our guests who have spent the money on the holiday if we end up cancelling the wedding

Well there's no reason they can't still go snd have their holiday is there? Tbh it will be cheaper and less stressful if they don't have a wedding to attend as well 😆.
It's a fair way ahead, I'm assuming there must be some options to cancel parts of it anyway? I do understand your worry, and realistically if they have already committed time and money to go abroad it might be hard to expect them to come to a UK wedding as well, unless you keep it really simple and not requiring multiple days?

LetsNCagain · 01/12/2024 08:40

Have your wedding in the uk instead.

You want to have a third baby. It's a wanted child, it's more important than some sunny wedding photos.

People who care about you will understand. They can either postpone their holiday or as a pp said, go anyway and have a lovely joint holiday abroad

DeNiroDeFaro · 01/12/2024 08:41

It's perfectly valid to want to terminate for any reason, and this is a whole package of reasons. In your shoes I would terminate, assuming you've had no fertility issues that make getting pregnant hard. The combination of your plans for the year, the impact on other people, your new job and may leave considerations plus I wouldn't want to be abroad at 7 months.

RaininSummer · 01/12/2024 08:45

I don't think the inconvenient timing of baby three is a good reason to terminate. I hope you can work it out. Going by train sounds a possible plan.

Pandasnacks · 01/12/2024 08:51

I think if your guests ever found out you'd terminated a pregnancy to avoid the potential risk of them loosing money (which could happen anyway because life happens) they'd probably all feel a little sad for you.

As you want a 3rd I wouldn't terminate because of the timing, you will never get another chance with this particular embryo. If you didn't want a third I'd think differently. But that being said it's your body and your choice, I can totally see why you are considering it and there isn't a right or wrong answer here.

caffelattetogo · 01/12/2024 08:52

I wouldn't terminate a wanted baby for this reason. It would cast a shadow over your wedding. With a fit note you should be ok to fly, or make it a romantic train journey through europe.

Plumpciousness · 01/12/2024 09:01

Food for thought: if you did terminate the pregnancy and went ahead with the destination wedding, would you spend future years looking at your wedding photos with fond memories of the happiness and joy of the week, or the memory of terminating an unfortunately timed pregnancy to achieve it?

InSpainTheRain · 01/12/2024 09:02

Definitely check to see if you can fly that late, many airlines have restrictions.
Check your travel insurance, I would have thought some companies will increase the price for cover that late in pregnancy.
It seems awful to cancel, especially as many family members and you have already paid. I'm not saying I'd terminate based on the wedding alone, but if your other 2 DC are very young do you want a third?

VivaVivaa · 01/12/2024 09:07

Congratulations! You absolutely shouldn’t terminate a wanted pregnancy.

How have your previous pregnancies been? If you are prone to difficult pregnancies with lots of monitoring you should cancel plans to be abroad now, obviously. Give your guests lots of time.

If your pregnancies have been straight forward you need to find out ASAP how likely it will be for you to be able to travel. It’ll be very very tight at 32 weeks and not a given. I still probably would cancel as no two pregnancies are the same and the worse thing would be cancelling last minute.

I think you need to be prepared for some guests being annoyed for losing money and leave if you cancel. I wouldn’t expect them to fork out in the future for a rearranged wedding. But I’d rather have the short time annoyance of being out of pocket then knowing a close friend/family member terminated an unwanted pregnancy.

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