To not buy Christmas presents for DC

[mostlylovinglife]

Paid for school trips costing over £3000 for my DC next year, both aged 14 & 16. They asked for these instead of Christmas/birthday presents. I will get them their usual PJs and a selection box instead of a stocking which usually costs me £50 plus each, but can't help feeling really mean and worried they'll be devastated Christmas morning when they don't have a pile of presents to open.

I want to get them a charm each for their bracelets as something to open, but AIBU not to buy more?

If they know that the trips are instead of birthday/Christmas presents then they shouldn't be expecting a pile of presents on top of that.

Remind them now, that although there will be a stocking etc, there won't be the usual pile because of their trips. If you give them the normal stuff any way then you are going back on what you said and they will expect that every time.

It doesn't matter what their friends are getting, they are old enough now to understand that different families have different finances and that they are very lucky to be going on the trips.

I would feel bad to not get them anything and would get one thing they really want - even if it's not massive.
Tbh if you can afford £3000 in trips then couldn't you do £100 for Xmas? Obviously you don't have to but I'd probably stick something on the credit card.

It was for her son’s birthday, not Christmas. So nothing to do with Christmas expense.

Yes, I’m not stupid, but as it’s now December there may be people reading this who may feel rubbish at reading such a stealth brag when they can’t afford Christmas.

I have been paying off the trips each month for over 2 years and I don't use credit cards.

They were very aware it was gifts or the trips, however now it's getting nearer to Christmas and the guilt is getting to me!

It would be really important to me to stick with the original deal.

I don't think we do our kids any favours when he (Edit: we) don't hold them to their word, and when we teach them that our word isn't to be relied on (even if they benefit this time it could work the other way too).

If there is any Christmas morning disappointment, I'd try to trust that a little disappointment is not the same as trauma. It's an opportunity to build resilience and to carefully think through any future agreements rather than blithely making them, knowing them to be empty.

Yes, I agree 100% this is what I'm afraid of and foolish of me to agree to. Lesson learnt.

Devastated? A bit of an overreaction.

You may be being a bit too hard on yourself. You have given your kids an opportunity to make choices and handle the consequences of those choices in a safe way. That experience is such an important part of being an adult.

Personally I think you've done really well.

My sons are now adults. However this is why we never made phones, contributions to a car, school trips, kit for school trips part of Christmas gifting. These are all functional things that you decide to afford or not. If you can afford the school trip, you can afford a few nice gifts.

My DS 15 asked for something expensive (in terms of my income/budget) to be replaced recently, and asked if he could have it as an early Christmas present. He will be getting the usual stocking and then I have bought him a series of books he wants (second hand) to put under the tree.

To be honest, it's not even occurred to me that he might be disappointed with that. He knows it was a stretch for me to buy said expensive item anyway and it was his suggestion to get it sooner, which was important to him for a couple of reasons.

If your DC do feel any kind of pang on Christmas Day, that's just a life lesson. They'll get over it.

Why do you think it’s bragging? It’s just factual. People have different financial situations- and/or different priorities.

We always “send” our kids Santa letters by burning them…the sparks are them flying up to Santa… This is the first year my daughter doesn’t want any toys (so ergo, nothing from Santa) but I decided we’d still write letters, thanking Santa for the years of presents but also saying something we’re grateful for this year. Both kids mentioned trips we’ve taken, how much fun they were etc, not a word about material things (apart from my son mentioning his comfy bed! 😆) and this reinforced my stance that, now they’re older, experiences are valid gifts, which they will really appreciate . Merry Christmas!

My ds has had several trips in the past year and another 2 coming up in the next few months and it was very clear when signing up that these would be part of his birthday / Christmas gifts, he is well aware and accepting of this. I have got him smaller gifts such as clothes, trainers and books but that is it. I have had to reign myself in a bit as I want to teach him that money does not grow on trees.

I think if I came from a family that can afford to buy me a £14,000 car when I was a teenager I would be a bit disappointed if at future Christmas's my gift was to pay my car insurance - useful but not heart warming.

NO Presents??

I guess you don't have teens that drive? He's getting his insurance paid for annually, that mega ££££

@Needmorelego where did you get the Hello Kitty Rubix cube? Dd2 would love that 😊

I would get them a few presents if you can afford. Christmas is for excess and frivolity rather than learning life lessons.

I wouldn’t do big presents but would stick with their usual stockings and a couple of small presents under the tree.

If you can afford it, why not buy them a few gifts ?? I know I certainly would. If you can’t afford it, then don’t.

What about mini toiletries for the trips? You can get cheap sets in savers/B&m which look nice but dont cost the earth. Will they need socks, hats, neck warmers, gloves etc? Would get those type bits for under the tree but don’t go over board, they are old enough to understand.

I think that's fine but I'd still get a token gift like a book or something

If you can afford to do both, then that's great.

For many people, including me, high value gifts and school trips (which are very expensive) would mean cutting back in other areas. I think it's absolutely appropriate to get token gifts for birthday/Christmas on the understanding that the trip experience costs a lot and is an incredible gift (and privilege) in itself. And this would be normal among people I know.

My DS expressed an interest in a school trip that cost £3k, and I said it was an experience I could only afford as a family holiday if we had no other holiday for several years, but I'd love him to do it. The deal was that he would do that instead of a family holiday. DD and I would have a staycation while he was away, and she was totally onboard with having me to herself for two weeks as a treat. And then she would get the same opportunity instead of a family holiday in the future. He decided not to go in the end because his best mate wasn't going 🙄 I still think it's a shame.

Not everyone can afford to see a £3k trip as a "functional" item and also casually spend another £100 on a Christmas present.

I’d get spending money in the currency and pop it in a box for them to open.

Why is that wtf?

Seems perfectly reasonable to me!

Can't help feeling sorry for kids whose parents couldn't afford such an expensive school trip.

Remind them what a big thing you've given them.

Little presents will be fine.