To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

Christmas is about what you want it to be. After 30 years of being worn out by hosting Christmas for my family I would be very happy to have one entirely on my own. It is just one day with huge expectations set around it.

My question is why the rest of the family didn't get together if your friend spends Christmas just with her own family? The sister could have hosted the mum?

Next time she brings it up, just say you'd rather not discuss it 🤷🏼‍♀️
In case you're interested op we tend to have Christmas just me, dh and the kids. It's not due to particularly wanting it to be just us but because we don't live anywhere close to family, not having space to put them up overnight and often me working one or more of Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Boxing Day so can't go to them.

I hear you OP. I’m currently struggling re the actions of a friend I’ve known for over 40 years. The way she’s treated people mainly borrowing money and not repaying it, now she’s told me how she has made plans to shaft the idiot who was stupid enough to marry her. I feel our morals no longer align

You have just proved my point.

You arr rude to anyone who doesn't agree with you

I feel sorry for your friend...she needs to choose better friends.

The sister DID host the parents. No one was alone

This thread is unbelievably unpleasant.

A whole load of strangers gossiping for no good reason about how somebody choses to spend their Christmas.

I'm menopausal, and I don't have a baby because my husband was an abusive arsehole, but thanks for that.

There's probably more to the story than you realise, family dynamics are tricky things and even the happiest of looking families can have their issues.

I don't host anyone at Christmas regardless of circumstances.

I used to goat either my parents or DH's, they did alternate years, and it was always so stressful even with help, plus the children would want to get their presents out which wasn't always possible with a living room full of people. Two of my DC are disabled and the noise of constant conversation would always set one of them off on an overload spiral so we'd have a meltdown to look forward to, if he went to his room for some quiet time then parents/in-laws would invariably complain about him "being rude" and "isolating himself". My father and FIL are both cut from the same cloth and there would always been at least 4-5 hugely inappropriate comments and "jokes" such as telling pre-teen DD that she'll get "porky" if she eats any more dinner or dropping casual racism and sexism into conversations. Final straw was one year when we were eating dinner and a drink refill was wanted, I went to get it and came back to find that in-laws had helped themselves to bits off my plate because he wanted more pigs in blankets and she wanted another Yorkshire pudding but there weren't any left except for the ones I had. I told DH that night that I was never hosting again and he agreed.

We see them all through the year, we spend time with them on Boxing Day and New Years Day, but Christmas Day itself is ours.

When my own DC are grown, I won't expect them to host me if they don't want to. I'm an adult and can make my own plans, Christmas is the same date each year so there is plenty of time to make arrangements rather than relying on being invited somewhere.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

OK, but even if we allow for the possibility that her parents and sister abused her in childhood, what about her in-laws? She only met them as an adult.

To me, Christmas is inclusive unless you are actively estranged from people. So yes, I would judge her. I dont think there always is a back story - some people are just selfish and there is an increasing focus on 'having it my way'.

What about her DH? It's not all about her.

I’ve decided to stay at home this Xmas- no one is sick though in the family and we did the whole going to see everyone last year- and tbh it was just a lot for me. My partner has a very big family and half of them I hadn’t met. I am therefore staying at home. I have no family but I am planning on making Christmas special for my son. (He’s coming up to 2)

if someone was sick in the family I would make the absolute best effort to do as much with them as possible- including spending Christmas together.

I have mentioned them; I said that they are old and ill now, and she doesn't want them either.

Judging your friends is literally the point of aibu.

What in the holy fuck are you all wittering about

Never once had a Christmas alone with partner and DC. Always had parents, other relatives, friends. But I'm deeply mistrustful of the notion of 'own little family' anyway. Not only does it lead to loneliness in those who don't have it, its not very wise. 50% of marriages fail. DC grow up and do their thing. If you've pulled up the drawbridge to everyone but your own household when that's working for you, who will you have if and when it ends?

You’re so angry. It must be exhausting for you. Sending my sympathies.

I never get the 'how selfish!! Doing what makes her and her family happy and not doing what other people want!!'
And it's not 'how selfish!! Expecting other people to host and cater for you as it's what you want and not considering them at all!!'

Again.

What is your issue with people who don't agree with you

Again OP, you're the one trying to justify judging your so called friend. Not everyone is going to support that.

Nope the point of AIBU is to get honest replies regarding your behaviour, not to justify choosing to judge someone for no real reason.

I find having extended family (and even friends on occasion) around for Christmas part of my DC's growing up? I think my DC would be bored if it was just the little nuclear family. Having said that, my extended family (both my family and my in-laws) are not demanding people and spending time with them is lovely. And we all do the things on Christmas rather than the pressure being on one person to cook, clean, entertain, etc.So maybe it's more about family dynamics outside of the Christmas period? OP's friend may get on with her family but only in very contained specific social interactions.