6yo party - should I stay or should I go now?

[crankycurmudgeon]

Took my 6yo DC to a birthday party for a classmate.

Venue was a rented village hall. The parents of the birthday girl put on crafts, games, and lunch. There was no hired entertainer, so the only adults present were any parents who chose to stay.

AIBU to think it's a bit off that out of 14 kids there, only 3 other parents stayed to help out (in addition to the parents hosting the party)?

I didn't hear a single one of the parents who dropped their DC and left asking those of us who stayed if we were happy taking responsibility for them. They just seemed to think it was OK to make some excuse and say they'd be back later to pick up.

Thing is that inevitably means other parents having to watch out for your DC. And we who stayed were very much looking after these other children, because with no professional entertainment, the parents who stayed weren't just making sure our own DC was OK, we were managing all the others, doing crafts with them, breaking up squabbles, trying to control the mayhem, catering, and cleaning up for the whole thing, while being totally outnumbered, and to be honest just gleefully disrespected by a bunch of kids who knew they could act up because their parents weren't there.

It wouldn't be such an issue if these other parents had asked, but they didn't. They just seemed to assume some other parent would be willing to manage their DC while they went off to do something else with their Saturday morning. I know for a fact these other parents didn't all have work or other childcare responsibilities to handle. It seems some of them just saw the opportunity for a couple of quiet hours at someone else's expense...

But far more concerning was the safeguarding, or lack of it. Those of us who stayed were so outnumbered that we simply couldn't keep up with all the children tearing around. It was also very clear most of the kids who'd been left on their own weren't about to recognise a clasmate's parent they barely know as an authority figure, and its always uncomfortable knowing how firm you can be with someone else's DC, without their assent. I went looking for one boy I hadn't seen for a while and found him wandering outside in the car park. Didn't feel remotely safe.

I just can't imagine taking DC and leaving her some place with a bunch of adults I barely know. I'd want to know someone I know and trust was taking responsibility for her, and would definitely have shown gratitude for anyone taking on managing my hyped up 6yo as well as their own for two hours!

AIBU to be a bit miffed that quite so many of the parents in my child's year group apparently have a very different approach to these things?

Agree it’s down to the hosting parents to provide enough adult supervision, unless they specifically ask parents to stay I’d except a drop and run party in a setting like a village hall.

we stayed at a 7yo party today but only because it was a public venue with a bar and dd asked us too. I’d have been ok if it was one of the regular soft play areas used for parties or village hall hired just for the party, but wasn’t comfortable leaving dd to other parents care in a busy location. For reference it was an entertainment centre spread across multiple levels with bowling, laser tag, mini golf, sports bar etc..

I find these responses suprising....My child is in year 3 and every single party she has gone I have stayed at, as have 99% of the other parents.Only exception was one where another mum took her for me.I don't think it's responsible dropping a 6yo off with people they barely know! Different if another parent friend is taking and supervising them.
We had one try this at a joint 6th birthday party I did with a friend.30+ kids there including our toddlers and neither of us knew the child....so of course we said no, as we could never have watched him properly.But also what concerned me was if he was upset or needed the toilet....he would need someone familiar and appropriate there to support him.

Thanks @NewName24. I think that probably is the nub of the problem - I felt uncomfortable having to step in - as someone more confident handling a group of kids - when really the host should have been clearly setting boundaries or delegating that formally to someone they had arranged to help in advance.

I spent quite a lot of time at this party helping a girl who quite clearly had significant separation anxiety. Her mum had been there for 10 minutes or so at the start and then disappeared. She didn't actually ask any of us if we'd watch her child. Turns out her child was very wobbly, I found her crying a number of times over the course of the 2h.

I understand the dynamics of your situation, but this is a small village school, single form entry, 20 or fewer kids per year, and the parties are all whole-class invites still at this stage. Typically people run the kind of events which require quite a lot of facilitation, which is why it seemed natural to me that last year, the majority of parents stayed and did just that.

I realise people may have other things to do with their day, but I just don't on principle think I should be taking my DC to an event where I'm not willing to pitch in and help facilitate, particularly when me leaving means other (unpaid) people realistically having to care for my DC.

From my experience it is absolutely not normal to leave year 1 children at a party. I think there have been a few very vocal people on this thread that clearly do, but out in the real world this doesn't really happen. Id be really pissed off if i was the OP and ended up having to manage other people's kids at a party. Im there to make sure my child is ok, not to supervise everyone elses. I was opposite ends of the country for my 2 dds at this age and in both places parents stayed. I still remember the one dad that would just drop and run at parties without a word, and yes as pp said, everyone thought he was an arsehole

@crankycurmudgeon I agree leaving a SEN child is difficult but you also said 14 dc. I think you are craving a nice community village activity based on a child’s birthday. What are you going to think when a dc just wants a couple of friends to go on a cinema birthday trip? Or a couple of friends to go to a football match? It will start to happen. With 20 in a year, whole class parties will diminish.

Are you all rich? Some will not be able to afford entertainers and rent halls either. Are you really saying there will be 20 parties like this in a year? Do you expect parents to stay to 20 parties? What about other dc they might have and other commitments? It’s just not realistic. You have already drawn up dividing lines between parents by commenting on their lack of commitment to the cause you feel is important and you are not keen on how others parent and your resulting role at the party. You were not required to have a role though. Parents making decisions you don’t agree with will continue to happen.

@XiCi It was absolutely normal not to stay here. If dc has additional needs, that was different. I knew a couple of parents who liked to hover but in the end they hovered with their hovering friends. My DDs would not have wanted or needed me to stay. It is up to hosts to invite numbers and dc they can manage.

That's awful....poor child! No wonder she is insecure.

I stay until about year 4. Only because we have poetry requirements and I don't want to put pressure on hosts, I can manage it myself. But most parents I know would do the same regardless.

In my opinion a child's party is not child care, you accept the invite, then if you can stay and keep an eye on them

And you didn't tell the host to ring her mum??

By 6, its completely normal to drop and go. It's up to the hosts to manage the children not other parents. AIBU to be miffed at the other parents and not the host. managing 14 x 6 year olds should be easy for 2 parents at a party. I've done it and see others do it.

We don't drop and go mainly because 1) our DS doesn't like being left which is fine 2) the distance sometimes means it isn't feasible to return home etc and 3) we get on well with alot of the mums and dads who also go to parties. We tend to use it at time to sit and chat/catch up etc.
I also wouldn't drop and go a child I knew would misbehave but I know people who do. When you plan a party the hosts should be taking that into account really.

I wonder if this has changed during Covid, and the ones saying you drop and go are parents of older children? We would have probably had the best part of two years of fairly limited parties, or mainly outdoor ones where it wouldn't be safe to drop and go - maybe the social norms have changed.

My friends' daughter started Reception in 2020 and I remember them being really shocked (and annoyed) people dropped and ran for her Y2 party. And like I said, we're Y1 now and no-one drops and runs. Evidence being four parties so far this year.

My DDs almost 7, year 1.
I wouldn't drop and run unless it was clearly communicated. I'm sure others would though.

The hosts need better organisation and party entertainment.

Sounds like the hosts lacked foresight in anticipating hazards and the fact young children need occupying. A few craft activities some get bored of with nothing else to do is a recipe for disaster. The hall itself must be badly managed if equipment belonging to particular groups is open to being rummaged through. The children should have been kept to one room, with easy access to a toilet. Maybe it's not safe for parties of young children generally.

As for the crying child - I remember the first party my then 3 year old went to at someone's house. The children were all from her nursery class. Even then many of the parents didn't stay, and one mother, with an apparently nice middle class home / life style, said to me that she couldn't be always staying at parties - I was incredulous. I stayed and her daughter cried several times during the party.

Yes, well before the pandemic!

Gosh I wished parents dropped and run.

We did a party recently for 6 year old, class party. 27 kids in school hall, we had 10 adults to help out with games and food etc. every parent (except 1) stayed. Some were multiple parents and siblings so suddenly we had about 60 people. I have absolutely no issue with a few parents staying as some of the children were not comfortable alone. But the majority were absolutely fine.

it made the party 10x more stressful having 25+ parents to suddenly host.

Lesson learnt that you need to be explicit on invites of drop & run or stay etc.

Some really constructive comments on this page, getting to the nuance of the issues, instead of just dismissing one view or the other, so thanks.

It does seem like the most significant part of the solution to these issues is for hosts to be really clear upfront about what the expectations are, and to be clear-headed about temperamentally whether they have the confidence and skills to handle X number of children on their own, or need to actively approach other parents / friends / family to assist them if not.

It doesn't entirely solve the issue of "what if the hosts say it's a drop-and-go party, but when you get there it becomes apparent they have got in over their heads", but it would certainly help a lot for invites to clearly say one way or the other what is expected. I don't think anyone's ever done that though in the 18 months of parties we've had since DC started school.

I'm still surprised that in Y1, so many people would assume without asking that a party was drop and go, but based on the poll this is clearly a majority view, so I guess it's for me to adjust expectations accordingly in terms of what I expect at these events, should we go to one again.

Not me - my kids are 8/12 and my examples were all from my 8 year old as he both hosted larger parties and attended larger parties. My daughter is on the spectrum so I didn't start leaving her at parties until maybe 7 while I didn't stay at any of my son's from earlier than that.

Oh and just about something else you said - it's always super clear on the invites and has been for years now 'drop off at xyz at 1pm and pickup at 3. Make sure to wear warm clothes!' or whatever else is needed. If my son has his party at a venue the parents carpool up - we bring 5 kids (we have a 7 seater) and 1/2 other parents bring the rest of the kids. My husband and I stay and everyone else goes for a coffee or goes home if it's close enough. But I always have a plan and a backup plan and never invite more kids than I'm comfortable controlling - my son's friends are a bit more high energy so we cap at 10. I have no issue telling kids to behave themselves and would never let them start rummaging through other people's stuff. I'd also phone a parent immediately if a child was tearful or misbehaving repeatedly.

My son missed the toddler parties (re covid) but I spent hours and hours of my life with my daughter on my lap making awkward small talk with the other parents in her class. I was delighted when parties became dropoff in P1 :-)

I haven't read the full thread, but I do know that when I host other people's children I am incredibly safety conscious and worry about them far more than I do my own children. For that reason, I would never host a party that was unsafe. This is very poor of the hosts who I hope will never place these little children in danger again.

It is not up to the invitees and their parents to risk assess the adult to child ratio. It is assumed when a child has a party that they will be well looked after.

YABVU sorry

Also, just to add. Once the parents realised the party was unmanageable with the adults available, it was their duty and responsibility to text or call the children's parents and ask for assistance "hi all! Any parents available to pop back to party hall? We could use a few extra pairs of hands?"

If no replies and the party is deemed unsafe, the host parents should have informed the guest parents that the party isn't safe and the children need to be collected.

I'd be gutted and furious if anything happened to my child because the hosts didn't have a decent child to adult ratio and no-one told me or alerted me or asked for extra help....

I've only read your responses, agree that I think I'd be more annoyed with the hosts for not doing things properly rather than the other parents.

Round here it is generally drop and go for parties. Id be pretty pissed off to have to "stay and pitch in" at a random birthday party. I don't have a lot of spare time and I figure I do my share of supervising when I host my own kids parties. I would stay if it was a friend organising it maybe? But otherwise I don't think it's horrific to make plans while your kid is at a party.
In your situation if it generally looked unsafe and DC wanted me to stay, I might reconsider staying. Something about your description of events does feel a little hyperbolic though - I've done my fair share of P2 parties and I've not encountered the behaviour you seem to have. I can't imagine being that stressed out by a 5:14 ratio of adults to kids either although I'm a teacher so maybe that's why (yes I know you said it's different and I get that, but we do trips and events too)

I agree with all of this.

We generally did a drop and run from Y1. I would stay with my middle child as she's ND and struggles sometimes at parties. I would assume if the hosts wanted parents to stay to supervise it would say so on the invite otherwise I assume the hosts are doing all the supervision and have enough adults to keep the kids safe.

Is it? All the parties I've been to at age 6 parents stayed and had to join in baby shark 🦈 😒

Interesting. In my area- outside a small city it is not the norm to just drop and go.
A few parents would pop off for some
Of the party and be back- they would let the parents in charge know when they will be back.
Anything else , everyone stays and has a chat/ drink/ coffee- but by time our child is 6/7/8 I know the parents well and WANT to stay and chat as part of my social life too.