6yo party - should I stay or should I go now?

[crankycurmudgeon]

Took my 6yo DC to a birthday party for a classmate.

Venue was a rented village hall. The parents of the birthday girl put on crafts, games, and lunch. There was no hired entertainer, so the only adults present were any parents who chose to stay.

AIBU to think it's a bit off that out of 14 kids there, only 3 other parents stayed to help out (in addition to the parents hosting the party)?

I didn't hear a single one of the parents who dropped their DC and left asking those of us who stayed if we were happy taking responsibility for them. They just seemed to think it was OK to make some excuse and say they'd be back later to pick up.

Thing is that inevitably means other parents having to watch out for your DC. And we who stayed were very much looking after these other children, because with no professional entertainment, the parents who stayed weren't just making sure our own DC was OK, we were managing all the others, doing crafts with them, breaking up squabbles, trying to control the mayhem, catering, and cleaning up for the whole thing, while being totally outnumbered, and to be honest just gleefully disrespected by a bunch of kids who knew they could act up because their parents weren't there.

It wouldn't be such an issue if these other parents had asked, but they didn't. They just seemed to assume some other parent would be willing to manage their DC while they went off to do something else with their Saturday morning. I know for a fact these other parents didn't all have work or other childcare responsibilities to handle. It seems some of them just saw the opportunity for a couple of quiet hours at someone else's expense...

But far more concerning was the safeguarding, or lack of it. Those of us who stayed were so outnumbered that we simply couldn't keep up with all the children tearing around. It was also very clear most of the kids who'd been left on their own weren't about to recognise a clasmate's parent they barely know as an authority figure, and its always uncomfortable knowing how firm you can be with someone else's DC, without their assent. I went looking for one boy I hadn't seen for a while and found him wandering outside in the car park. Didn't feel remotely safe.

I just can't imagine taking DC and leaving her some place with a bunch of adults I barely know. I'd want to know someone I know and trust was taking responsibility for her, and would definitely have shown gratitude for anyone taking on managing my hyped up 6yo as well as their own for two hours!

AIBU to be a bit miffed that quite so many of the parents in my child's year group apparently have a very different approach to these things?

🤣🤣🤣

In DS's year 1 class all the parties we've been to this year the parents have stayed. I'm surprised that it's so different elsewhere.

I disagree with the batshit comments. If its a school class type party, bare in mind lot of kids are still 5 at this point in the school year. I stay because it's not worth going back and forth, plus there is still a lot of accidents and tears at this age, and I'd like to be there if anything happened to my child , if that makes me batshit then I don't care!

In our area it would not be a drop and run, I’ve never been to a party where I haven’t stayed. I would feel uncomfortable leaving them as it’s not the norm

I think the onus is on the host parents to either organise a party they can handle comfortably or ask other adults to support them. When mine were that age and even younger, generally no parents stayed. I sometimes stayed with mine, the youngest especially, as it took her a while to feel confident but by 6 I don't think it was an issue. Most of the parties we hosted either centred on an organised activity or we had an entertainer. As a teacher, I didn't find it hard to cope, though you don't quite have the same relationship as with pupils who know you. I suppose I was maybe more alert to the strategies needed in handling a group of kids than most parents might be. But I always thought being responsible for other people's children if you had invited them was something you had to make sure you could manage.

There's nothing wrong with staying, at that age it's very individual and some can be left and others prefer a bit of support. But there's nothing wrong with leaving either. And once one or two start dropping off, many others will quickly follow IME.

I'm really surprised people are saying drop and run is normal for a Y1 party. My son's in Y1 and we've been to four parties already, all the parents stayed. Some of the kids will have only just turned five in the summer!

What parties are you going to? Any children's party I've been to it's expected that all parents stay unless stated otherwise on invites. That's party etiquette. The ones that leave are arseholes, yes.

At 6 everyone dropped off when my dc were small. In fact all but one parent dropped off for my DD's 5th birthday party, I arranged for my parents to be there so in total there was 6 adults (myself, then h, my parents, one class parent and the entertainer who knew most of the kids as she was their nursery teacher the year before. You do need to arrange entertainment, games, activities, etc not let them just run about, I suspect that was the issue

It really isn't though.
There are 4 pages of posts on this thread, and the majority are saying it is normal to drop their dc at a party once they are in Year one.

People behaving differently from you, doesn't make them an arsehole.

That context feels like everything. Parties with an entertainer who knows how to keep the kids entertained and focused on something feels a different situation. I think it's because this party was clearly DIY, doing crafts and other activities where the kids were clearly going to need quite a lot of one-on-one help. There were enough parents who stayed long enough to realise this, and then left, knowing that those of us who stayed were going to be being expected, by their kids, to be providing that help.

In the event, the kids quickly got bored with the planned activities, and reverted to rampaging around screaming with excitement, and once that started happening it got very difficult as the rest all get hyped up and join in. Again, in a different environment it might have been easier to keep control of that, but this hired social club venue was just not an easy or safe place to be trying to manage it. I'm all for childish enthusiasm, but when it led to unsafe scenarios of kids climbing into furniture cupboards, trying to get out of the building, etc, it was just quite scary.

For those making comments along the lines of: 'I'm a teacher, I deal with 30 kids on my own, grow up lol...', I hugely admire teachers, and what they handle. But its not really comparable. Teachers are trained, have a known and controlled environment to work in, have knowledge of the kids and an ongoing relationship, and don't work in some grey area where nobody quite knows who is ultimately responsible for each child. Also, teaching is a choice, a job you choose to do, and for which someone pays you.

That lack of choice is what irks me for mey own sake and that of the other couple of mums who stayed - without being asked by anyone else - and pitched in for what turned out to be an exhausting couple of hours. We did so not because we were being paid as a teacher or entertainer, but because we felt a sense of duty to make sure the kids already there were safe, and they wouldn't have been safe unless we stayed to made up the numbers.

Good question but not a special school, no. However, there are some ringleaders who like to lark about, lead the others on, and who don't really acknowledge the authority of someone who isn't their own parent or their teacher.

I feel like the parents of these particular kids know this, because we had parties last year in this same venue where most parents did stay, and it was clear that without certain parents stepping in to manage their own DC behavior, things could escalate quickly.

It just feels like we've very quickly, and without warning, transitioned to most parents leaving these parties, without there having been any observable change in how boisterous the kids are and how many hands you need on deck to ensure they go off smoothly.

As to venues being safe, this one has some things that don't make it particularly safe without comparatively high supervision ratios. There is lots of stuff in unlocked storage cupboards (furniture, and also kit for other groups like Scouts and Guides who use the space), and the kids like to get it out and mess with it. There's also two rooms, plus a kitchen, without sight lines between, and a maze of little corridors. Basically very each for a small number of rampaging kids to make it very difficult for a bunch of adults to keep things under control, unless you've been asked to help and been given a game plan / responsibilities in advance, which we weren't.

Again, all these parents who dropped kids know these factors because they saw it last year. I can't escape, again, the feeling that some were taking advantage of more socially responsible parents to obtain some free childcare. Yes, some may have had other DC to look after etc, but I know some others just went down the pub until the end of the party, and others don't have any other DC to look after.

Do you know that these weren't parents who had been asked to help? We've done that before. Not everyone has a load of non-parent friends and family who are in a position to help out, so if they can't ask their kid's friends, it's no party. 5 adults to 14 kids is 3-4 kids per adult. A child minder can care for 6 children between 5-8 on their own, so this is a higher ratio than needed for children all day in a legal setting.

Was it a year 1 or year 2 party? Your child was 6 so could be either. Year one I wouldn't expect to drop and go. Year 2 bit of a mixture and year 3 definitely drop and go, but appreciate everyone is different.
However, when I stay I am only responsible for my own child, I'm not responsible for anyone else's, that's on the host. I generally stay because it's a lovely group of mums to have a chat with, rather than to help out.
The numbers don't sound unmanageable though, I run a Rainbows group, we have 20+ 5-7 year olds with 2-3 adults and have never ever ended up with a child in a car park. We do craft activities and plan these carefully to ensure they are manageable by the age group, in a shares building space.

Parents always stayed at parties at that age in our group/ class. For reference DD is now 7.5

Y1 party.

I totally get that in other settings where the adults form a team and have planned together what to do, done risk assessment of site, etc (as for a classroom teacher and TA, or Rainbows, or a Sunday school group), the ratios of kids to adults could be totally fine. I've volunteered before in these kinds of environments and the fact everyone knows where they stand is fundamental (within a volunteer team, but also the fact that parents have formally assigned responsibility to the adults involved).

On the contrary, these DIY parties can seem a big grey area where it's easy for none of the adults to really know who is ultimately responsible, and there is obviously no DBS checking, risk assessment, or anything like despite it being the kind of scenario that in other contexts absolutely would require such things to be in place. The lack of communication for the most part between parents also just makes things more grey. It seems kind of wild to me that formally I'm not sure anyone could have said who was actually responsible for the majority of the kids there. Maybe its the hosts, but they didn't inspire any confidence that they were all over it. Sweet people but not proactive or assertive with any but their own son when things got out of hand.

This.

Standard to drop and go past reception age around here.

@crankycurmudgeon My dc simply didn’t encounter dc like the ones you describe. At 5/6 they should be prepared ro do what is asked of them at a party. Nor should they open cupboards that are not theirs. Etc. I would just start to swerve these dc. At your party don’t invite them. Or do a visit somewhere. I really would start to separate out into a group with sensible dc with sensible parents. It’s what everyone does in the end. Who wants the bother and worry of supervising difficult dc at a party?

Also: won’t your dc want better friends? Surely you don’t want your dc to associate with badly behaved dc?

My child is the same age and always stay, I think many drop and go because they are absolutely shit at small talk and hate the social aspect of having to speak to other parents for two hours.

Well no. We haven't been to one of these for a while, and it's been a reminder why.

I guess I naively thought these things might continue to be a chance for us as a parent cohort to bond over pitching into something shared (as they were last year), given our kids see each other every day. But if it will just mean me being resentful at de facto assisting with unacknowledged childcare for the kids of other people who don't seem that invested in the community side of the thing, then it doesn't really seem worth it. DC came back wired and overtired, and acting out in a way she doesn't usually. Doesn't necessarily feel great for her either.

@crankycurmudgeon I hate to break this to you, but a birthday party is not a community event. In YR, DD1 was one of 60 in a huge classroom! Y1 was over 30 (x2) so dc never invited everyone. As a result, no one saw a party as a community event and every dc just invited a few to a party. Usually 12 tops. So more left out than attending.

Very occasionally, parents were invited to stay in advance. On the invitation. However it exclusively happened with DD2 who was at a prep in a class of 14. There might be tea/coffee/wine and snacks. If no invite, you were expected to collect at a later agreed time.

If you want a school/class community event, don’t piggy back it onto a private party. Maybe have a pta event or just meet suitable friends for playing at your house. People don’t all think the same about parties and if you want school mum friends, try and make friends with ones that share your values. I think expecting a community event via a party is a step too far.

The hosts should have made it clear whether they wanted parents to stay or whether it was drop off. You are being angry with the wrong people. The parents likely assumed that as they hadn't been asked to stay, that the hosts had sorted out entertainment and supervision. The parents that dropped and ran may not have been working but may have been running errands, caring for other DC or just having a break for a couple of hours while their child was at a party.

I think it's because this party was clearly DIY, doing crafts and other activities where the kids were clearly going to need quite a lot of one-on-one help. There were enough parents who stayed long enough to realise this, and then left, knowing that those of us who stayed were going to be being expected, by their kids, to be providing that help.
In the event, the kids quickly got bored with the planned activities, and reverted to rampaging around screaming with excitement, and once that started happening it got very difficult as the rest all get hyped up and join in. Again, in a different environment it might have been easier to keep control of that, but this hired social club venue was just not an easy or safe place to be trying to manage it. I'm all for childish enthusiasm, but when it led to unsafe scenarios of kids climbing into furniture cupboards, trying to get out of the building, etc, it was just quite scary.

........and I say again - this is on the party hosts.
You are being cross with the wrong people.

You should be asking why people (ie the hosts) invite a big group of children to something that isn't going to engage them, in a place that you deem unsuitable (although is Scouts and Guides use it, it would seem likely to be appropriate), without having the ability themselves to engage the children and enforce boundaries (fair enough, not everyone feels comfortable with that) but also without acknowledging that they can't / won't, and therefore asking people to help them OR hosting a party with a smaller number of children that they felt they would be able to manage.