6yo party - should I stay or should I go now?

[crankycurmudgeon]

Took my 6yo DC to a birthday party for a classmate.

Venue was a rented village hall. The parents of the birthday girl put on crafts, games, and lunch. There was no hired entertainer, so the only adults present were any parents who chose to stay.

AIBU to think it's a bit off that out of 14 kids there, only 3 other parents stayed to help out (in addition to the parents hosting the party)?

I didn't hear a single one of the parents who dropped their DC and left asking those of us who stayed if we were happy taking responsibility for them. They just seemed to think it was OK to make some excuse and say they'd be back later to pick up.

Thing is that inevitably means other parents having to watch out for your DC. And we who stayed were very much looking after these other children, because with no professional entertainment, the parents who stayed weren't just making sure our own DC was OK, we were managing all the others, doing crafts with them, breaking up squabbles, trying to control the mayhem, catering, and cleaning up for the whole thing, while being totally outnumbered, and to be honest just gleefully disrespected by a bunch of kids who knew they could act up because their parents weren't there.

It wouldn't be such an issue if these other parents had asked, but they didn't. They just seemed to assume some other parent would be willing to manage their DC while they went off to do something else with their Saturday morning. I know for a fact these other parents didn't all have work or other childcare responsibilities to handle. It seems some of them just saw the opportunity for a couple of quiet hours at someone else's expense...

But far more concerning was the safeguarding, or lack of it. Those of us who stayed were so outnumbered that we simply couldn't keep up with all the children tearing around. It was also very clear most of the kids who'd been left on their own weren't about to recognise a clasmate's parent they barely know as an authority figure, and its always uncomfortable knowing how firm you can be with someone else's DC, without their assent. I went looking for one boy I hadn't seen for a while and found him wandering outside in the car park. Didn't feel remotely safe.

I just can't imagine taking DC and leaving her some place with a bunch of adults I barely know. I'd want to know someone I know and trust was taking responsibility for her, and would definitely have shown gratitude for anyone taking on managing my hyped up 6yo as well as their own for two hours!

AIBU to be a bit miffed that quite so many of the parents in my child's year group apparently have a very different approach to these things?

I think context is everything on that point:

• What are the kids like?
• How proactive are the adults?
• Have the adults been asked to help ahead of time and so arranged in advance how to supervise?
• Are the activities suitable to hold attention for long enough to avoid things descending into chaos?
• How contained or otherwise is the venue and what risks does it pose?

Depending on those factors, the number of adults we had could absolutely have been enough. In a classroom, these kids normally have two TAs and a class teacher for 20 kids, but that is a controlled environment with a recognised authority figure, and structured activities.

But the factors at this party meant it really did not feel safe. In addition to the child escaping the front door, there were numerous other possibilities for injury (a kitchen the kids could freely access, storage cupboards full of stacked furniture, and multiple rooms which meant when the kids started rampaging it wasn't possible to have eyes on everyone.

What is frustrating is pretty much all these other parents have been to this venue at parties last year, and know how this group of kids can be.

When I dropped off I read the room and as someone who has done my share of youth work, immediately recognised more adults were needed to handle the situation, given the specific kids, the quirks of the venue, and the lack of formal entertainment.

I guess I'm just surprised how few others came to the same conclusion. However, I see that the % of people who think IABU is about the same as the % of people who left their kids unaccompanied, so maybe just big error bars on what people think should be normal!

This was the expectation with all my children's parties Unheard of for parents to stayto Children generally arw better behaved when parents not present

If you stay there will be trouble.
If you go there will be double.

Yes Yabu.

I would expect to drop and run at a 6yo birthday party.

I didn't - because my ds had allergies to god knows what and reacted badly to (thin air 🤷‍♀️😂) and I didn't expect other parents to take that responsibility.

But neither did I expect the parents who and the luxury to drop and run to ask if I minded!

For a start there was no expectation from hosts I'd parent the other children, or their parents. But when I did help out I did it because that's just what you do if you're there.

The whole idea of parties, once past the toddler/pre-school age is to drop and run.
If there weren't enough adults, that's the hosts problem.

You've stayed, which is great, as you saw they might struggle, but you've also made a martyr of yourself.

At that age I wouldn’t except to stay, parents often specify drop off so they don’t have to do extra catering etc. So I doubt many parents were trying to slip off unnoticed and dodge the party. It’s just the norm. But it sounds like a really badly organised party if in fact the hosts needed extra adults to stay and help and had failed to communicate drop off/not drop off arrangements or secure additional help. Their fault, not the other parents, as that chaotic situation wouldn’t have been obvious in the flurry of drop offs. I would have been happy to stay if it was clear it was needed or they’d asked for a few extra parents ahead of time.

Ok, so you entered the premises with a clipboard and immediately did a risk assessment, leading you to decide you weren't going to drop and run.

Great, because you clearly had nowhere else to be/no younger DC to look after.

That's not going to be the same for everyone is it?

Most people will drop and run at the door, knowing the host has their phone number and assuming they have more than 2 brain cells to rub together.

This is the host's fault

But you carry on blaming the parents who didn't/couldn't stay, if it makes you feel like a better mum 🤷‍♂️

The party had 14 children and 5 adults. That's more than enough adults and 2 would've been fine.

Depending on those factors, the number of adults we had could absolutely have been enough. In a classroom, these kids normally have two TAs and a class teacher for 20 kids

That made me laugh. I left primary school teaching 2 years ago and I'd often be solely responsible for 30 or more KS1 children. No TA or the TA might be busy with a child with SEN.

If you want a risk assessment , I’d just say no to the party. Or teach your child how to behave at a party. I never gave a single thought to safety because parents I know were good parents and my dc were safe. If your child cannot be trusted and you make it everyone else’s fault, don’t go to parties. Most people drop these types of parents/dc off the party list. Mainly because there’s no pleasing them. They form their own bubble of parents. That’s absolutely fine too.

But it wasn't really 5:14 because the OP was there to help and supervise her own child, not other random kids. I agree I'd be pissed off if I stayed in that situation and ended up helping with everyone else's children.

If some dc are hard work, don’t invite them. Most of us learn this.

I know this isn’t necessarily your main point, but 6 adults to 14 children shouldn’t be a safeguarding issue. What do you think happens in schools?
I don’t blame the other parents who left. If my child had been invited to a party, I would not assume I was supposed to stay. I would think the hosts had thought about this and had a plan in place.

In a classroom, these kids normally have two TAs and a class teacher for 20 kids

Ha Ha Ha Ha.
That clearly isn't normal in the UK.
Perhaps you should have mentioned in the OP that the dc are dc that need to be looked after in such ratios.

You and @AddieLoggins2 are in a small minority here.

Parents having to organise their time, to use it usefully between taking and fetching one of their dc from a party, does not make them a 'cheeky fecker'. What a daft thing to say.

Fault of the hosts. Don't invite more children than you can control

If you're assuming I stayed because my child can't be trusted to behave, that's not the issue here. I do trust my child to behave, but would not leave her somewhere unsafe.

I went to this party fully planning to stay, because nobody had indicated it was a 'drop and leave situation, either on the invites, or in person when I got there.

However, some of the responses here seem to suggest that it's just some generally acknowledged thing (to everyone except me apparently 😂) that parents who put a party on should by default be expected to be managing the whole thing on their own. I don't feel it's crazy to think this is a bit off, unless the hosting parents have specifically said they'd prefer it to be that way.

I absolutely buy that in some contexts of kids activities it can be harder to have lots of parents there (like a school or activity class, where kids are being taught an activity or skill). But the vibe with a kids party - particularly without any 'professional' entertainment - is to my mind more akin to a group of parents getting their kids together for a morning at the play area. It's a whole lot easier if there are other hands there to watch and help, particularly because the hosts are often running around catering etc.

Last year it was the norm that parents whose kids were at these parties stayed. That seems to have disappeared with the move to Y1, without ever explicitly being mentioned, despite the kids being just as prone to go crazy when they think they can get away with it.

I'm thankful for the responses. Though I'm genuinely quite shocked how one sided they were (i.e. that IABU 😂), I do at least feel I understand better how expectations around these things work for most people. Can't help being a bit sad about that though TBF.

But the vibe with a kids party - particularly without any 'professional' entertainment - is to my mind more akin to a group of parents getting their kids together for a morning at the play area.

No, it really, really isn't.
If someone wants to meet up with other parents and their dc, then they would have to specify that on the invitation. That would be a very different vibe from a children's party.

It's a whole lot easier if there are other hands there to watch and help, particularly because the hosts are often running around catering etc.

Quite, and it is upon the hosts to arrange that. Either from amongst their own family or friends, or by asking a couple of other parents they are friendly with, to help. Or, by having a different sort of birthday celebration with fewer dc.

At our kids' parties, I asked a chosen few parents/relatives to help, all other parents were not required and would have been in the way. I always assumed I was to drop the kids off at parties unless specifically asked to be a helper.

Well, at some point before they are 18 children's parties do turn into parents not wanted.

In my experience teens definitely do NOT want parents at parties.

Parents are also not needed at, for example go karting parties, paintball parties or for that matter party trips out - we took a load of kids to Alton Towers once - definitely not putting on transport and entrance for the parents!

So if you accept that at some point it becomes not a "whole family meet up in the park with parents" vibe and becomes a "tween disco" or whatever vibe )that honestly most parents would rather rip their own eyeball out than be at it's just a question of what age.

Mine had the "whole family meet up at a park with parents and siblings and uncle tom Cobleigh and all until age 5 at which point they had a whole class party and frankly I didn't know most of the parents (and didn't like some of the ones I did know) and previous parties had made clear that the expected in that time and that place was drop and run. So that's what we did.

YABU. At age 6 with a small number of kids it’s absolutely fine with just a few adults for supervision. How do you cope with 30 in a class at school and only 2 adults?

For DC 6th birthday we said drop off was fine but parents could stay - it was at our house and I wanted others parents to have the choice of what they were comfortable with. One we hadn't met as it was a new school friend and I wouldn't have been happy dropping off with someone totally unknown. I would happily do a drop off at venues but in situation you describe I think I would have assessed it as not something I would be happy with and stayed

However, some of the responses here seem to suggest that it's just some generally acknowledged thing (to everyone except me apparently 😂) that parents who put a party on should by default be expected to be managing the whole thing on their own

Parents who put on a party should by default be expected to have a plan in place as to how they are going to manage the whole thing. If they need extra adult help, they should organise this in advance, not just hope that parents will stay to help. If they expect parents to stay, they should make this clear on the invitation. It’s not really a good idea to just wing it and hope you’ll have enough willing parents on the day .

@crankycurmudgeon Why do you know so many Dc going crazy? Is this a special school? I’ve honestly never seen this. Of course party venues are safe for standard dc. I’d swerve ones with “crazy” children. I’ve seen excited chatty children but not out of control ones.

However, some of the responses here seem to suggest that it's just some generally acknowledged thing (to everyone except me apparently 😂) that parents who put a party on should by default be expected to be managing the whole thing on their own.

Yes, this is the expectation. Not necessarily just the two parents, but we always have friends who stay and help, others have family nearby and draft them in.

I think you can assume parties are drop off in the class from now on, and enjoy two hours of peace!

Like I said, I have to stay with my eldest unless the hosting parents are comfortable using epipens. By the time my youngest gets to that age I'll be throwing her vaguely in the direction of the venue from a moving car, tyres squealing as I leave the car park.

My son is turning six this month. Parents stay for every party without being told to. In what world do you leave a 6 year old like this?