To dread Christmas?

[Runki]

Does anyone else dread Christmas? The expense, the being completely skint for the whole of January and sometimes beyond, the stress, the pressure, the awkwardness of possibly having to spend time with relatives you might not particularly like and don't see all year, but you HAVE to because it's Christmas. That Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time song on repeat in shops. All the adverts you see denoting the perfect family Christmas and it's not like that for everyone. And then you sit there at the end of Christmas Day and realise you've spent most of it cooking and washing up. Is it just me or am I just Ebenezer Scrooge?! 😂

It sounds like you're not drawing boundaries around what you think is important at Christmas. Set a budget and don't go over it, start saying "no" to unreasonable requests to spend money. If you don't enjoy spending time with your relatives, but have to see them, be clear about what you're willing to do- "I can see you for 2 hours on X date but unfortunately we have plans on Y date."

And if other people in the house are demanding a full Xmas dinner, then they need to participate in the cooking and washing up.

Ive not done xmas in years no cards decs gifts etc nothing.
I gave up with it never felt better i now go away on holiday and come back when its all over.

Op, I'm sorry to hear about your husband and in laws. There are a few things I would suggest.

You cannot control your in laws so accept that it is their choice ignore you and there is nothing you can do about it. Take your focus off your in laws and direct it to your children.

Once things have calmed down, plan a budget for your spending for next year. Decide how much you will spend in each category of your life including Christmas. Track your spending and let the money build throughout the year so the impact of the gap between December and January's website has less impact. Money Saving Expert has good advice.

If money is tight, check Freecycle, eBay, Facebook Marketplace and charity shops. Not everything is old and mouldy. There are some superb bargains to be had including brand new things. Always keep a look out for suitable presents throughout the year. Don't blow the budget.

Explain to the children that things are a bit harder money wise without their Dad and there may be fewer presents/treats. Do a few free Christmas things like the turning on of lights in town, Carol service at church, do a walk around the village/town to look at the lights then home for hot chocolate and biscuits.

When people are telling you they are organised for Christmas in June just smile and nod. Avoid those types if possible. If you are feeling panicked and out of control, keep it to yourself. There is nothing to be gained by sharing with anyone who is not a) supportive and/or b) in exactly the same state of chaos and confusion.

You've got this!

There is too much pressure for it to be fabulous. I enjoy Christmas though. I like my relatives, though some of them are a bit annoying, tolerance and humour gets me over the hump with that. I no longer go nuts over presents - spend what I can afford, try and get thoughtful gifts.

I find when people are genuinely making the effort then often family clashes can be avoided.

I’ve noticed in my ex’s family there were often “no contact” Christmases with both sides being horribly petty because they couldn’t deal with issues as they came up through the year and would fester about them. But, then would buy extravagant christmas gifts, send them and not talk/meet/communicate! Invariably one of them (MIL) would end up crying and wailing about being abandoned at Christmas. It seemed mental to me and very stressful.

I dread it, I don’t know why. I have the budget and no relatives I don’t like. I think it’s just overwhelming and too much expectation. If anyone has an illness or bereavement it seems even more cruel,

I have a family that finds Christmas extremely difficult. For various reasons. So yes sometimes it can feel like a struggle.

I tend to fine quiet moments where I can enjoy things like a walk, looking at twinkly lights, so I can feel christmassy without imposing it on them!

And stay off social media.

Yes I dread it...such a ridiculous amount of effort, time and expense coupled with dark, cold weather. Awful time. Can't wait for it to be over.

I sympathise OP. I also find Christmas very difficult - as an abuse and addiction survivor, Christmas has a lot of bad, sad and difficult memories for me.

I think lots of people find Christmas difficult, for a variety of reasons, but can't admit it due to the corporate-led blanket propaganda that everyone loves Christmas.

Over the years I've coped in various ways, from ignoring Christmas completely to playing along and going all out whilst seething and anxious inside.

This year I'm doing Christmas in the way that makes ME comfortable. I'm hosting a small group of adults, mix of friends and family I get on with. I'll be putting up my tackiest decorations because they give me a lift. Rather than doing a big roast, I'm going to make a buffet of foods from my country of origin, will lay it all out and then let people graze and pick as they wish rather than a big sitdown performance. The beauty of this is that I can make most of the stuff the day before, so Christmas morning I can get out by myself before everyone arrives and go for a long run with the dog - this'll set me up mentally and emotionally.

I'm going to insist we watch Die Hard after dinner and then I'm going to take myself off for a nap to grab an hour to myself to re-centre.

Honestly you can make Christmas easier with a few tweaks. Most people don't notice or aren't tht bothered.

Oh my God, you've made me laugh so much. Bono. "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you!" Not a fan of the Irish Mullet man then?! Ha ha ha 😂

I loved christmas as a child (even though I lost a parent at age 7) and when my children were small but feel less excited about it now. We've had a difficult year and my two children (both with autism and other conditions) cannot be in contact at the moment. So goodness knows how that will work.

I think Christmas can be very lonely. I am going to try and go to parkrun on Christmas morning. You could always volunteer OP even if not a runner. Or the Christmas day service at church.

I don't understand why your in laws are behaving as they are. One thing I'd recommend is don't change it completely from what your DH would have had, have the same decorations etc.

Have a family day with you and the children. Get put for some fresh air. I hope it goes as well as can be expected.

I love Christmas but that’s because I celebrate it the way I want to. It sounds like you’re burdened by lots of obligations which don’t bring you joy. I would definitely try and shift some of them and create a celebration which actually makes you happy and feels sustainable. I know that can be easier said than done but start making small changes (a budget for gifts or a smaller circle kr people you give to, minimising family visits, reducing the menu - whatever takes work and expense off your plate and leaves more room for rest and fun) and see where it gets you.

My adult DS2 said the older he gets the more he appreciates we're the only family he knows who don't dread seeing at least one relative at Christmas. We all get on and don't think we don't know we're very lucky.

I'd guess quite a lot of people dread Christmas, and for good reason.

I hate everything about Christmas. My AC will not believe that I would rather take the dogs to the beach.

You're right, OP, of course. But we don't do a tree, decorations, roast dinner OR see any relatives. At all. That makes it much more manageable. That may not be the route for you, but def just do it however you want. Limit your spending - maybe just presents for children, not adults. Ignore the whole thing, if you like - it's in your hands.

Here here

Luckily only me and 2 adults dd's

We just have pigs in blankets. Roast pots, chestnut stuffing, veg and gravy.

Bloody hell, OP. Don’t see him and shut your stepfather down if he tries to guilt trip you. You don’t need that shit.

I would not be seeing the abusive older brother. I don't see why you should feel guilty for not seeing him if you dislike each other. You can visit your mother and step father when he's not there. You can make choices about the sort of Christmas you like. Don't get in to debt just spend less and explain to your children that money is tight at the moment. Have a relaxing low key Christmas with people you like. If your inlaws aren't interested in seeing you and have been unpleasant since your husband died then they can see their grandchildren another day but not Christmas day. They don't get to decide how you spend Christmas. Be selfish, other people are being selfish trying to make you do what they want, ignore them and do what you want.

My best Christmases have been sitting under a palm tree on warm sand. After having DS, indulged humourless MIL her bizarre Christmas thing. Now DS is all grown up, fashioning a new Christmas distilling the things I enjoy. My ideal is Christmas Eve Twinkly, friends and neighbours, drinks and nibbles at ours. Full on lights, candles, festooned tree, flowing wine, house bursting with conversation. Game over, end of Christmas for the year.

No massive lunch, no house guests, no flogging myself into a fake domestic/festive ideal based on expensive plastic consumer crap. Memories of my parents overspending, my mum put under impossible domestic pressures are burnt inside me. My PIL joyless, humourless, endless festive events.....NO

So I have fashioned something I enjoy, and as the organisation and domestic work is down to me I get to choose. Or I jump on a plane. Tra Laa

Last year we had Xmas dinner out on Xmas eve, a lot cheaper than on the day..
Xmas day ready done picky bits and treats, but real lovely chill day. Worked as family were at the in laws. This year family all here for regular Xmas day. Before lockdown we had Xmas in Tenerife. Brilliant time and would do again.
I used to dread it too, but it was mainly due to lack of control. Learned to say no. You will have to do the same and if people not happy tough.

PS The Ghost of Christmas Wank. 😂

As soon as we stopped all the extra family stuff, we started to enjoy Christmas. No racing around going to different houses. No buying presents for anyone outside of our immediate family (us and the DC). We stay home and maybe see other family on other days.

So. Much. Better.

Take your kids out to lunch!. Just tell them " the three of us are spending Christmas Day together this year.. I know you love to "See the kids, so with Christmas Day itself out, which day do you want me to drop them off to you?"

I mean this kindly, OP. Some not very nice people can easily identify weakness in others - show them your strength and they won't do it anymore.

🙄

it's not just you OP. I also find Christmas difficult, especially spending time with relatives who would otherwise never see each other. Feeling very on edge and wanting everyone to get on.

The expense and hassle of buying presents for ungrateful recipients (which I'm no longer doing)

It's certainly not a jolly time of year for everyone!

I don't love it and if I could skip it I would. I can afford it and will be spending it with my lovely family so there won't be any tensions. However it had very bad associations for me. I lost my mum on Christmas day many years ago. I also feel increasingly resentful at the idea of being forced to buy things, eat things and do things every year after year because its the done thing. I never say this in RL because my family enjoy it and would be hurt to know I'd prefer not to bother.

It's really not.

As evidenced by a big uptick in calls to mental health helplines over Christmas.

Calls to Papyrus - a suicide prevention helpline - increase by 25% over the Christmas period. Ditto Samaritans.