AIBU to dread the baby stage?

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I’m pregnant with my first baby, due in April. It was planned but happened faster than expected (first month of trying). I love kids and have a really close bond with my nieces, age 8 and 5. However, I’m dreading the first year of having a baby.

All I’ve heard from friends with babies is how hard it is, baby blues, how the level of tiredness is like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Most of them have partners who have been able to work from home a few days a week to give them support during mat leave. That isn’t possible for my husband, who works long hours and is out of the house from 7am-7pm 5 days per week, sometimes later so I’m going to have limited support during the week. The nature of his job also means he really can’t go to work tired as he needs to concentrate (life or death) so I’ll need to do most of the night wake ups on week days.

I also have autism so I also struggle to cope with being overstimulated, lots of noise, being overtired.

I love children and I’m still excited to have a child and family and all the special experiences we can give them. I’m just really dreading the first year and how hard it will be.

Has anyone else felt like this?

You have heard some honest opinions from your friends. It's good to go into it informed. I was just told 'oh you'll be tired but yay for snuggles' and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Some people think it's the best stage, others find it overwhelming.

Do you have anyone else who can help with childcare to give you a break? 7am-7pm+ sounds exhausting on a permanent basis, although doable of course. Most people don't have someone working from home, but generally a partner with fewer hours and who can help overnight.

Sorry to not be a ray of sunshine, but I think it's important to be informed. It's an amazing time, and really fun for much of the time, but also very tiring and overwhelming.

I actually could not believe how much I was told negative things when I was pregnant with first DS and have made a concerted effort not to ever do that since. Yes it is tiring. Yes your hormones do go awry and you will feel up and down but it's also a lovely time. The biggest blessing with your first when you have minimal support is you can rest when the baby is asleep. Admittedly I didn't do this much but it is still there as an option. We also planned the second so they would have the free childcare to give me some time too with DH at work. Just take each day as it comes and enjoy it because before you know it they are 16 and 19. You will be fine I'm sure.

Every baby and experience is different. But I adored the baby stage - for me it was utterly magical. I didn’t find it hard and I didn’t have help. I lived in a different city to my mum and family and my husband couldn’t take any time off at all. But all the things I thought would be hard vanished into the ether when compared to the overwhelming love and joy I experienced.

The toddler stage however… 😅

I hope you find joy in the baby stage - and if you don’t, I hope there is comfort in knowing that it really does fly by.

Depends on the baby tbh, and your own hormonal/physical/emotional health post birth.

People don't tend to talk about the positive bits that much because it sounds gushy, especially when talking to someone without a baby.

There will be good bits and bad bits and you'll manage. The best prep is to know where to look for help if you need it, and learn about things like baby care now a bit, so it's less of a learning curve (how often do you bathe a baby? What do they wear when it's cold? How do you burp them? What should you do about a rash? Etc)

There might be groups for parents with autism that could help with tricks for noise, overstimulation etc?

Honestly, I was also not looking forward to it. (Had my first baby this year)

All you hear is how hard it all is and I've never been someone to coo over other people's babies and usually find them a bit boring tbh

But honestly, so far (and I'm only a few months in TBF) it's been a dream. Yes nights are disrupted and you're tired, but your days aren't exactly jam packed either so loads to time to relax and recover. It is emotionally draining when they're crying nonstop and you need to steel yourself to just get through the witching hours unscathed. And sometimes the sleep, change, feed, play, sleep feels relentless. But then they fall asleep on your chest and it's wonderful...

I will caveat it with the fact that we do have an "easy" baby, but we have had challenges and my advice would be to be "that" parent with the midwife and HV services to make sure you get the support, even if it's just to ask a seemingly silly question.

Knowing that you are autistic and what some of your needs are is a huge advantage. I didn’t figure out the ND side of things and my struggles post partum make so much sense now.

on the cheerful side, the hormones that bond you to your baby are incredibly powerful. I didn’t experience my babies crying as noise, in the way I experienced other people’s babies. It was more of an ache in my womb and a huge outpouring of concern and compassion. That’s just one example, but nature equips us to cope.

However, you have to be especially careful with burnout. I fell into a 1950s portal because I was at home and dh was at work and it seemed logical that I’d sacrifice my sleep which was horrible for my health. It was only when I saw friends returning to work, juggling night wakings that it dawned on me there was no reason dh couldn’t share nights. Don’t underestimate the importance of your day job or how autism heightens the dangers of sleep deprivation. Seriously consider the options of employing night time support, or your dh changing roles, or just coping like millions of working women have to.

Newborn especially is my absolute favourite.

And, no matter how bad it is, you just get on with it because you've got no choice. Sometimes I do look back and wonder how we coped but we did.

Do you have access to any support services where you are? Occupational therapy can be very helpful.

I found it really hard, it’s a complete shock how little sleep you get, how tired you are, how much you have to forget about your own wants and needs and concentrate on what baby wants. I’m sure it’s different for those with family around to support but I don’t have that and my DH works long hours too so no help in the week. BUT it is amazing, the love you feel for your baby is like nothing I’ve felt before and the snuggles are so good. I had a second so can’t have been that bad.

Im autistic too and I would recommend joining a pregnancy group like NCT or pregnancy yoga to make friends before the birth so that you can make plans to go to baby groups and classes together so it’s not so overwhelming going somewhere new with a new baby. That really helped me get out as I always knew someone at a group.

You’re giving other people’s grim experiences way too much headspace. I’ve been on Mn since I was pregnant with my now 12 year old, and I don’t recognise the vast majority of the experiences of motherhood I read here. Which is hardly surprising because there’s no ‘standard’ experience of having a baby — so much depends on variables like your health, your baby’s health, your economic circumstances, your personality, your baby’s’, your friendships, etc. It’s only really since Covid that so many people WFH, so that level of having the other parent physically present during the early baby stage certainly isn’t everyone’s experience. DH was made redundant when DS was a week old, had to grab what he could, which turned out to be in the midlands (we were in London), which meant he was gone from 7 to 7, too.

Don’t place too much emphasis on other people’s experiences. You’re a different person, in different circumstances, and you’ll be having a brand-new baby. Even if you find maternity leave unenjoyable, it’s temporary.

Having two dc myself I definitely have found after the 1 year mark to be harder.
To have children is to be almost completely selfless and always put their needs first, I also struggle with being overstimulated very easily and the constant cleaning up of high chairs several times a day and the toys always lying about everywhere and the constant noise of tv and chattering can be a bit much! But I wouldn't swap it for anything in the world, it's a wonderful time that some people don't get to have.

Yes - the first year (probably the first 6mo) are the hardest. At least for me, with both of mine.
Yes - it’s all new - your life changes beyond your imagination and your own needs go way beyond ensuring survival and comfort of another being.

So - my advice - do what you need to survive and get through this time. Prioritise. Dont try to do everything you used to be able to do - say house cleaning, food, etc - house can get messy for a while. H can sort out his own dinner, he can sort his laundry when he gets home, etc.
You just need to feed yourself and your baby. And sleep - whenever they sleep.

You may be lucky - if you have enough milk and baby eats well - they’ll sleep Ok too. I didnt - so it was a long and tough cycle of feeding and short sleeps and tiredness. I struggled way too much bc i was so set on trying to increase milk supply.
It didnt work - and was too too hard.
So - dont try to be a ‘perfect mother’ - in the end its more important that baby eats - than killing yourself trying (and failing) to be breastfeeding.

On the positive - that tough period in baby’s life is really short - despite feeling endless in the moment. It will pass and you’ll have a toddler, and a nursery school kid, and eventually a teenager, etc 🤗🤗🤗

I don’t want to sacrifice my sleep but I don’t think there’s a way around that! We have looked at night nannies but it’s £400 per night which isn’t affordable for us! DH is a transplant surgeon which means operating for 6-8 hours+ with no break, so it’s not as easy as just putting up with being tired like an office job, he really does need to be able to fully concentrate or it isn’t fair to the patient who is being put at risk. He’s very willing to be hands on and as involved as possible but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him going to work sleep deprived after being up several times in the night. At weekends he’ll do all the night wake ups to give me a break.

I hated the baby stage and now that I’m pregnant again I’m dreading the second time.

I have three things I can say:

1. you may find you love it - many women do, and you don’t know which you will be until it happens
2. all the hard and awful bits of having a baby are things you’ve survived before. You’ve been exhausted and survived. You’ve been overwhelmed and survived. You’ve been overstimulated and survived. What you haven’t yet experienced is the sheer, wild love for your baby, and the joy of being their parent.
3. however hard and awful it is, it ends. They get easier. You find your stride. There may be times when it feels impossible but you will come through the other side and feel calm, well-rested and returned to yourself again.

I’ve got a 3 month old op, I’m having the best time! I’m lucky- mine is a pretty easy baby but it and they are not all as doom and gloom as people say. I felt like you but I’ve been so pleasantly surprised!

Does he get paternity leave, and also have some annual leave he can take? It may be useful if he slots it up so he can give support at the beginning when you’ve just given birth, but also take some time off a month or so later to give you a break.

Some of the baby stage is hard, and it's good to know about that before your baby arrives.

But lots of it is bloody fantastic too. They are gorgeous and grow so fast, watching them learn to smile, sit up, crawl, babble and get a personality of there own is all so rewarding.

Yes, it's hard being tired. But you don't have to get up for work the next day. I have amazing memories of snuggling up on the sofa with my newborn and catching up on all the books and TV I'd been too busy to enjoy!

They are incredibly portable for the first year too. Walks in nature, coffee dates, museums, wondering around the shops... you can pretty much do whatever you feel like doing with a baby in tow. And baby groups are a lovely way to meet other mums and compare stories.

Honestly OP, you'll have hard moments but it's far from doom and gloom. Just remember that every stage is temporary and they'll be out of the baby stage before you know it (this helped me cope when mine went through cranky stages, and reminded me to make the most of the stages where they were little angels too... nothing lasts forever!).

For me it was less awful than everyone made it out to be (maybe lucky with my babies though we had various health issues with the first) and my partner worked away a lot. What helped for me was lots of prepared meals in the freezer so it was easy to defrost something healthy for dinner and going to bed in the evening as soon as I settled the baby which meant I did actually get some sleep. I agree that make the most of them being portable and take them along on things you want to do

I’ll also say that everything is temporary, the hard bit at the beginning when lots of babies don’t want to sleep in their cots, the night wakes, teething are all hard but they are all phases and do end. There will be times of worse sleep and times of better sleep. All babies are different and will go through these at different times. My dd wasn’t a good sleeper but now age 4 she does sleep through, less tantrums and we are out of the hard times. My second is a good sleeper and wakes a lot less than dd did.

My DH is out of the house 6am-6pm and I have no family to help. We got a nanny 8am-12 for 2 mornings so that I can catch up on some sleep and break up the week. Would that work? Much cheaper than a night nanny.

Congratulations! Try not to give too much headspace to other people's experiences – you will have your own and there's no way of telling what that will be ahead of time. Knowing what you may find challenging (noise, overstimulation, limited support during the day) is a fantastic advantage so you can perhaps factor in some coping strategies when they arise.

The newborn stage is full-on, which is why I think a lot of the conversation around it focuses on fatigue and emotion. But as you can see from this thread, some people find it a really special time. For others, myself included, it wasn't enjoyable but the upside is I'm now enjoying toddlerhood much more.

TLDR - everyone is different and every experience is valid. Enjoy the good times and put measures in place to deal with the more difficult times, whenever they may come.

Take it as it comes.
Do whatever it takes to make things easier on yourself.
Things like baby groups are not necessary and if you find them stressful, just don’t go.
Same for any social thing really.
Set your boundaries with family and friends.
If you feel you are struggling, talk to someone you trust and go to your GP.

Depends on the baby. If you get a good sleeping chilled baby it will be a breeze. If you get a colicky non sleeper you’ll find it a lot harder. I’ve had one of each and I survived. You’ll manage. Just look out for PND symptoms in yourself and get help ASAP because you don’t need to suffer. Other than that go with the flow.

Other than the initial shock, the baby stage is fairy simple and not overstimulating (once they can walk and talk and tantrum it becomes that way unfortunately) but the baby stage is fairy straight forward.

In terms of night wakes. If you're off work anyway then you adjust, it's a nice kind of tired as you just snuggle with your baby and have no strict schedule that you need to be up and out for. Or you might just get a baby that sleeps! They do exist m.

The best thing you can do for yourself is fully embrace and accept the baby life, how things move slowly and night and day May blend into one. Some people try to carry on their life as normal and try to shoe horn a baby into their life. Bending over backwards to make them sleep at night or to a schedule. Bringing them to fancy restaurants and getting upset when they want feeding or changing or cry. I think those ones are the ones that struggle to adapt if you see what I mean. Good luck!

It’s different for each person and with each baby. Lots of factors affect sleep, etc. However, there are ways of making life easier and my biggest piece of advice would be do what is best for you, not what other people try to push on you. If you’re having trouble breastfeeding where your toes curl at the mere thought of it or where you can’t get sleep because your child feels permanently attached, then switch to formula or combined feeding and DONT FEEL GUILTY about it. If your child has reflux, see the doctor. If they won’t sleep, don’t be afraid to try different routines. If you want to give them a bath every night and you find it helps with sleep, do it! Leave the damn housework. Before baby is born, help yourself out - make sure there are nappies, spare vests and babygrows in the living room as well as upstairs. Batch cook before baby is born. Try to get out with baby each day, even if it’s just for a 20m walk - babies sleep much better when they’ve had fresh air and you will feel better for it too. If baby won’t come unstuck from you, get a sling. Honestly, some people say the first year is exhausting and for some, especially those with poor sleepers, that is absolutely the case but for many, many people, in reality it’s only the first 6 weeks that are exhausting and then baby will often sleep for 6-8 hours at night. I’m lucky- all my children were pretty easy (though one had bad reflux) and you do learn as you ho along (so subsequent babies will be easier in some ways) but I can honestly say that small baby stage is my favourite and I wish I had appreciated it more when I only had no 1 to enjoy (and didn’t have another 3 to run around after)! Good luck and try not to stress, just enjoy it - it really is over before you can blink!