AIBU to dread the baby stage?

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I’m pregnant with my first baby, due in April. It was planned but happened faster than expected (first month of trying). I love kids and have a really close bond with my nieces, age 8 and 5. However, I’m dreading the first year of having a baby.

All I’ve heard from friends with babies is how hard it is, baby blues, how the level of tiredness is like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Most of them have partners who have been able to work from home a few days a week to give them support during mat leave. That isn’t possible for my husband, who works long hours and is out of the house from 7am-7pm 5 days per week, sometimes later so I’m going to have limited support during the week. The nature of his job also means he really can’t go to work tired as he needs to concentrate (life or death) so I’ll need to do most of the night wake ups on week days.

I also have autism so I also struggle to cope with being overstimulated, lots of noise, being overtired.

I love children and I’m still excited to have a child and family and all the special experiences we can give them. I’m just really dreading the first year and how hard it will be.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Yes he gets 2 weeks paternity leave and is planning to take 2 weeks annual leave immediately afterwards so he’ll have 4 weeks off. But it still isn’t long in the grand scheme of things and it’s when he goes back to work I worry about! Throughout the year he will be able to take annual leave at other points but that doesn’t cover the vast majority of the time!

The first few weeks were relentless for me - but it soon passed, enough to make us try for next DC who was born 17 months after first DC
Even 2 under 2s was survivable - I had little help as no family near - ex DH worked long hours and exclusively BF

The most important thing in the early stages is that whichever parent is main carer ... and sounds like it will be you ... should simply recognise that the baby will have to be your total focus. When baby is awake you do baby stuff and when baby is asleep you sleep too! Her naps are your moment to get rest for yourself. Wit a first baby this is possible ... so make the most of it!
Do not give a thought to all the other things you should be doing ... they will get done in the snatched moments ... imperfectly for sure but that's OK at this stage.
I think that unrealistic expectations are the biggest stumbling block .. you can't do it all so do not even bother trying! Your house will be a tip but what the hell.
The priorities are the baby and your well being. Nothing else matters.
Just don't try to do everything .... something has to give.
If you prioritise conserving your energy there will be lots of joys ... if your mind is constantly filled with things you feel you have failed to do you will be in turmoil.

Thank you, that’s a great idea. Do you mind me asking where you found her? Was it easy enough to find someone willing to work those hours, with newborn experience?

The one thing I can really encourage you to learn is how to nap well. This is a skill you can learn.

If you can nap when the baby naps, it's a much smoother ride, as you never reach that dread level of tiredness.

People look at me like I'm crazy for this, but I've actually largely started clear of caffeine when I'm tiredest, and I could always nap with my baby.

The other suggestion is to MASSIVELY declutter now.

Having a small "mum uniform" wardrobe makes laundry easier, having less stuff everywhere makes cleaning easier and prepares you for the active baby stage anyway. Etc.

Honestly the baby bit is hard but mostly because you don't know at you're doing and it's all new. They sleep a lot, most are in a good nap routine from about 4 months. So if you don't pressure yourself to do too much during them you can get a decent amount of quiet downtime. And they're super portable, nappies= no mad dash to a loo. Breastfeed=constant food supply, you barely need to take anything with you to go out for the day. You can go pretty much wherever you want in the daytimes, get a decent sling and get out and about. Enjoy yourself.

The toddler bit is much more overstimulating and full on. Tiny person who loves you so much they want to climb all over you all the time and constantly tell you 20,000 times in a row through a megaphone. I'd take 24/7 with a newborn over a 2/3yr old any day. So if you're planning to go back to work after a year, you'll get to skip a lot of that.

I would rethink using his annual leave immediately after the birth. A 2-4 week old baby doesn't do that much, there's not much to do vs 3-6 months. I'd ask him to do a day off a week every other week or something, much better for a good regular rest for you and keeps dad in touch with babies daily routine as they grow. It will be very easy with his long hours for you to become the default parent.
Obviously if you have a c-sec or a rough birth and need more support you would probably need him around more immediately post partum.

I found the baby stage to be the easiest and I had 2 babies 10 and a half months apart,
no family help and a husband who was either away during the week or working 7-7. I just followed my instinct didn’t read books or take on the wide range of conflicting advice and opinion you will receive. For me the toddler stage was hardest but everyone will have different experiences. I had one very needy baby and one very placid one. My husband took 5 days with the 1st and 4 with the second. I just found a routine that suited us and stuck to it. Best of luck you will be fine

YANBU, it's tough. My DM said to me after I had DC1 - "don't worry, the first year is always the worst." I'm one of 3 and now have three of my own - she is totally right and that mantra is still keeping me going now with my third newborn!

I hear you about DH's job but I think another PP made a great point that what do single parents or mothers who are surgeons do? I appreciate it's likely to be a male dominated job but there are definitely mothers who are surgeons, presumably they don't never get up in the night with their kids once they're back at work?? My DH is a HCP, not the same job, and not the same length of concentration without being able to take a 5 minutes break etc don't get me wrong, but he's always helped in the night when needed. He works in primary care and lots of his colleagues, including the senior doctors, are parents and have to do night wakings, it's par for the course with young children.

Also I presume you aren't planning to breastfeed as you say your DH will do all night wakings on weekends? That's fine but just wanted to point out if you DO want to breastfeed that won't be possible unfortunately to maintain your milk supply.

My DH does 3 night feeds a week with a bottle of expressed milk. He also does all night time nappy changes (one a night at present otherwise we find baby leaks wee - occasionally more if he does a poo too but that's not often these days), and if I'm up for a full hour with baby still not settling then he takes over for up to an hour then we'd swap again. He also does all night wakings for the older 2 children (unfortunately since we've had the third most nights there has been at least one of these, often more). On his non working days and his WFH morning he also gets up with the older two and I stay in bed with baby if he's still sleeping.

And even with all that, I'm still absolutely exhausted and still do significantly more of the night work than he does.

I’m planning to have a c-section so will need him around for the first 4 weeks! I like the idea of one day off per week after that in principle but in practice it means he’d have used up all his leave after 3 months and we’d never get to go away which is something I really look forward to. It’s a shame men don’t get more statutory paternity leave in this country as it does force people to regress to 1950s gender roles!

I won't say you're unreasonable but every baby is different. My DD is 22 months, and I honestly loved the baby stage. She fed well, slept all night fron 6 weeks and was a pleasant baby. I also just went with it and spent the first couple of months cuddling on the couch with her instead of having a strict routine and spent 80% of that time in pjs or tracksuits. She's a toddler now and I almost miss the baby stage compared to now 😂 My point is while your friends/relatives may have had a hard time in the baby phase, it doesn't mean you will. Try not to let the dread spoil the newborn stage.

I posted on my local facebook group and then interviewed those who replied - I checked their references, DBS and how they interact with my baby. I was lucky that one of them was an experienced doula and could do my preferred hours. You might find that a slightly later start e.g. 9ish-2pm works for many nannies. A few I talked to would have been happy to do these hours because it fits around school drop offs/pick ups.

You can't know till your in it tbh.
They're all so different and what you find easy others don't and Vice versa.

I had people tell me newborn is the easiest stage. I found it hell 😅 I had postnatal anxiety. It wasn't until they are a year it subsides. I found babies being so vulnerable terrifying. The lack of sleep is my ultimate kryptonite.
Others found it fine, didn't have anxiety and coped much better then I did. But they found the toddler stage awful. That for me was fine. 😅 you'll just have to take it as it comes. My DH is out working all day too, after a week or two you adjust to your own routine and it's actually harder when they are home as they scupper it up 😂

You might get lucky and have a baby that’s a good sleeper. My DS has slept through mostly since 6 weeks. I think the tiredness is something you learn to cope with though and unlike now when you are probably working, you don’t have that responsibility which makes it easier.

My DH works similar hours to yours and I find early evenings the hardest as baby can get tired and bored by then. April is a great time to have a newborn (DS was born in April) as the evenings are light and you can get out for a walk, and the nights don’t seem so long.

Do you have family support nearby? Is it possible that you could employ a cleaner? You probably won’t have time to sort out the house with your DH working long hours so remove that expectation. Batch cooking and online food shopping really helped me too in the early days.

I don’t think you’d be able to continue doing that job as a single parent - we’ve never come across any. He’s never worked with any female transplant surgeons but most women wouldn’t be working with a newborn as they take a year of maternity leave so would be past the worst of it when they go back to work. Lots of surgery is very straight forward with 1-3 hour operations and low risk so for people in many other surgical specialties, it would be fine. I’m a GP and would feel absolutely fine about going to work tired. I’m not saying he would NEVER wake up in the night but realistically, I will have to do the vast majority of night time wake ups, there is no point pretending otherwise.

It's better to have low expectations and make plans accordingly. I personally love the baby and toddler years so much. However that doesn't mean there aren't hard moments along the way.

But there are so many threads on here every week from mums who didn't know to expect their baby not to want to sleep alone in a cot/surprised their baby isn't happy to lie in a pram and wants to be in the sling 24/7 etc so clearly the message needs to be spread we are carry mammals not birds. At least you're forewarned.

'All I’ve heard from friends with babies is how hard it is, baby blues, how the level of tiredness is like nothing you’ve ever felt.'

I had two children, never had baby blues and never had tiredness. You only hear the negative stories not the positive ones.

I found objectively what your friends to be saying is true, but what I didn’t realise until I had the baby was how able I was to cope with it? When people would say I’d never sleep I genuinely had no idea how I’d survive, but despite my first being an awful sleeper I just got through it in a way I couldn’t have contemplated pre-pregnancy. I will confess I found it much harder with DD2 but you are far more resilient than you’ll realise and you do just get through it - and some days you get through it better than others!

For me the baby stage is easy, its the stage when they start walking up until 2.5 that absolutely traumatises me😂

Have you thought of the long term implications if your partner doesn’t have or won’t ask for any flexibility in his job? Are
you returning to work? If so have you thought of childcare? Your husband won’t be able to do and drop offs or pickups with a 7-7 day. Are you happy to work full time and do all the drop offs and bedtime solo on top?
Are you happy to reduce your income due to your husbands job?

I found the baby bit really hard first time round. It turned out my child is autistic with SPD but we didn’t know that until she was 8. The hardest thing is I beat myself up thinking it was my fault I had an unsettled reflux baby and that I was a failure as a mum. Things would have been so much easier if I had just accepted it. Things were hugely better by 6 months a she was eating, gaining weight and sleeping in more of a routine. My DH was a full time uni student working weekends so it was brutal. I was bf but unsuccessful with pumping so DH did a formula feed late at night to give me a stretch of sleep. He wrote essays while bouncing a fussy reflux baby (still got a First).

Both my DD’s are ND and I strongly suspect DH is too, and me most likely. I had post natal anxiety because of the pressure I put on myself. Try not to do that to yourself. Parenting has been challenging but we are an extremely happy and well attached family of four quirky, over thinking people 😊.

I loved the baby stage, I did have a baby that slept through after we switched to formula feeding though. Each baby is different and you'll still find it magical!

I'm not even going to mention the toddler and tantrum stage.......

My DP works with explosive materials so for obvious reasons I do the night wakes for the majority of the time. You might have a baby that doesn’t wake often, but you might not, and either way you just get through (although there will be times your DH will need to help out even if that’s taking the baby on a morning so you can nap etc). Tbh I breastfed both babies so I’d have done the majority anyway! I have a professional career that I went back to after 4 months with DD2. I won’t lie and say it’s always easy, but it is possible and it doesn’t last forever (DD1 has just started sleeping through at 3, and DD2 currently wakes 7/8 times a night and she’s just turned 1. I’m not saying this to scare you, mine are just unusually bad sleepers, but to reassure you that you do find ways to survive it!)

Ah it made me sad to read your OP! I had the most wonderful time during DD's first year. Yes it can be challenging at times, and you will be sleep deprived and overstimulated sometimes, but I used to think of it as a bad day at the best job in the world.

Going into it with low expectations as to how much you'll enjoy it is probably the right attitude but honestly for me so much changed when my DD was born, I'd never felt love like it.

To offer a different perspective, I've loved having a baby.

I have a history of mental illness and I'm neurodivergent, so I was expecting the worst. But honestly, I found it fine. Yes the sleep is a shock to the system, but it's no where near as bad as I thought it would be. You just somehow get on with it, and you're that tired that you do sleep in between wakes.

Firstly, sack off housework. If you can afford it, just get a cleaner for a couple of weeks. Prep some meals so you don't have to cook, and get plenty of food you can just shove in the oven. Take any opportunity to sleep when you can.

Don't worry about newborns having a schedule. They don't need one at that age. If baby doesn't go to 'bed' until midnight, don't worry.

Just focus on cuddling your baby. If they're a contact napper, just give into it and spend your days snuggling and watching TV. I honestly did very little those first weeks other than loaf around cuddling and breastfeeding.

All babies are different. Mine personally only cried when she wanted something, and was generally a content little thing, but some babies do cry for hours for no reason. Just get some noise cancelling headphones. It will dull it a bit. You can see baby, you don't need to hear it too lol.

Anyway I honestly though I'd feel really stressed, but for me it was love at first sight with my baby. Like, I've never loved another human like I love my baby, she's the love of my life. Those first days were magical for me and I was on cloud 9. It was hard at times (especially cluster feeding) but it all felt very worthwhile.

She's 6 months old now and a delight! She's a happy little soul. Yes it's full on and mentally demanding being needed all the time and I'm always ready when it's time for her bed, but, don't underestimate the absolute delight you'll feel everytime you see your baby's bug gummy smile, and when they laugh for the first time, and when they reach a new milestone.

Also join groups if you can, or go for daily walks when you're ready, even if you're not a social person. It makes the day pass a lot faster!