AIBU to dread the baby stage?

[Namechange908]

I’m pregnant with my first baby, due in April. It was planned but happened faster than expected (first month of trying). I love kids and have a really close bond with my nieces, age 8 and 5. However, I’m dreading the first year of having a baby.

All I’ve heard from friends with babies is how hard it is, baby blues, how the level of tiredness is like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Most of them have partners who have been able to work from home a few days a week to give them support during mat leave. That isn’t possible for my husband, who works long hours and is out of the house from 7am-7pm 5 days per week, sometimes later so I’m going to have limited support during the week. The nature of his job also means he really can’t go to work tired as he needs to concentrate (life or death) so I’ll need to do most of the night wake ups on week days.

I also have autism so I also struggle to cope with being overstimulated, lots of noise, being overtired.

I love children and I’m still excited to have a child and family and all the special experiences we can give them. I’m just really dreading the first year and how hard it will be.

Has anyone else felt like this?

I think people are in mostly in one of two camps: hate the baby stage but love the toddler stage or love the baby stage and hate the toddler stage. You just happen to have spoken to people who hated the baby stage. You might love it!

I hated the baby stage. If you hate the baby stage, the main thing to remember is that it gets incrementally easier. The first 6-8 weeks you’ve got this highly needy, giant potato. After that though, the potato starts to become a baby. You start to get smiles, then chuckles. They are like little rewards from your baby and gradually they get more interactive, more fun, can understand more, you get more routine. For me, it got incrementally easier at 8 weeks as the witching hour(s) dropped off, then about 4 months as they could be entertained on the floor for a little bit and reflux was starting to ease. Then at 6 months, they could sit up and we’re starting to be more aware. At 9 months I went back to work and that made a huge difference. Then 12 months it felt like I’d blinked and the baby had gone and I had a toddler that was starting to talk and walk.

What helped me during the baby stage was:

• having a meet up/baby class once or twice a week. Something regular to help me keep track of what day it was. Something to force me out the house. It needed to cost money though because otherwise it was too easy to flake.
• don’t over commit yourself though. If you need an easy day at home that’s an option too.
• going to the library. I’d push the pram to the library and I’d go when quiet. I’d keep pushing the pram while I was in the library and so baby would sleep. I’d pick up a book, maybe I’d read it, maybe I wouldn’t but I had a reason to go back to the library. I’d also call at the shop on the way home and buy myself a little bit of what I fancied.
• When DH gave me a break, if he took DC out otherwise you hear the crying and phantom cries.
• make life easy for yourself wherever possible. So if you end up bottle feeding, get a perfect prep. Use prepared veg. Whatever that looks like, it’s ok to cut corners.
• Doing sone KiT days really helped me. DH took a day off and I went back to work, I could use my brain and I didn’t lose everything from before the baby. It helped DH be more confident with baby and we never ended up with DH couldn’t look after baby or didn’t know what to put in the changing bag or when they needed feeding. I did my first KiT day at 3 months and it was a lifeline.

If I was you I would get a nanny from 4 - 7 or even 5 - 7in the evening rather than the morning. Those hours might suit a nursery worker. I found mornings easy as newborns generally sleep for most of it. My eldest had colic and the witching hour wasn’t fun. Some people get easy babies, you very well might. Whilst my baby was tough, the toddler years onwards were a dream.

Honestly first baby is easy , babies sleep a lot. Just rest as much as you can and maybe get a cleaner to help with domestic jobs so that you can take the rest instead of being under pressure to get housework done 😊 It's when you have a baby and toddler together things get tough 😆Maybe wait until your first is at school before having your second lol

Also when you just have one baby you still get to relax and watch tv which is amazing!

Don't go into it assuming you will hate the baby stage. I absolutely loved the baby stage and would do it all again if my husband would let me have another one!

It goes by so fast you don't even realise, they're not babies for long treasure it as much as you can.

It’s amazing how people who are so clueless can be so patronising! We met a medical school, at each stage of our training we’ve discussed our specialty choices as a couple and whether it’s right for us and what it will mean when we have children. So yes, I’ve “thought about it”.

Won’t ask for? Some people really have no insight into what some jobs are like. You can’t just “ask for flexibility” 😂😂😂. The nature of the job doesn’t allow for late starts and early finishes. Yet someone has to do it or what would people do when they need life saving surgery if everyone had your attitude?! Thankfully we both have a very strong work ethic.

He could go part-time but we can only afford for one of us to go part-time and I want to go part-time so I can experience more of my DC growing up. So no, I don’t plan to go back to work full-time. And yes we’re happy to reduce OUR income in order for me to do that.

I’m a GP and also have early starts - on my working days we’ll have a nanny who will do school drop offs and pick ups.

Believe or not lots of people have demanding jobs and still have children. I don’t have to justify our career choices to judgmental strangers on the internet.

Can your husband take shared parental leave so you have an overlap of three months, say at the beginning. It really helps to have two of you at home.

I absolutely don’t think you should have a pre opinion of this. Its often lovely (with hard bits in it too)

I would say try not to worry. It's really different for everyone. I have 2 DDs, first born right at the start of lockdown and didn't have a second of baby blues with either. Wasn't tearful etc after.

Also all babies are very different. DD2 was a much easier baby than DD1. Your baby may be very content.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself with things like breastfeeding/ getting to baby classes really early on. Seek support from people who will be around in the day, mother, MIL or friends etc.

Perhaps your DH can look after baby say 8pm to 11pm every night so you can get some solid sleep before he goes to bed. You will find a way through it all x

As a mother of 4 that never found the baby stage hard. I had easy babies that slept through early. I learnt early to not tell people I had easy babies. They do not want to hear it. I can recall with my oldest when she had a short period of sleep regression (2 weeks) dhs best friend and then wife literally rejoiced that we "finally knew what real parenting was"

In truth I loved the baby years. I loved the newbornness the crawling the learning their personalities. The many firsts.

Btw while we are at it I also loved the teenage years. (You are not meant to like that either)

Op don't assume it will be hard and don't assume it will be a breeze. Likelihood is you will be somewhere in between good and bad days. Just wait and see and reach out to those that support you unconditionally.

The amount of negativity I heard when pregnant made we want to cry! It was awful! It's tough but it's manageable. Every stage brings challenges but every stage brings huge rewards too! You will cope and you will get through it. If it was that hard and horrendous, nobody would have more than 1 child

It's a bit like with periods, age 12 or whatever you might hear how it's terrible and you'll leak everywhere and it's painful and gross and you'll be super moody.

And some of those things might be a bit true, but once you're in it you find solutions and it's not that bad. The odd person might have a nightmare with proper problems, but it doesn't help to worry that will be you.

On the sleep note, I don’t resent friends who had babies who slept well but you’re right in that I didn’t want to hear about it. Both of mine went from newborn - 20 months (youngest is only 13 months so may be different) with between 3-10 wake ups every single night. So whilst I was jealous of the sleep, I absolutely didn’t need to hear about how well their babies slept! Bit harsh of your friends to say you didn’t know what real parenting was though 🙄 not sure the quality of your child’s sleep is indicative of how much of a “real” parent you are!!

It wasn't just sleeping it was everything that I found enjoyable. And not just from one source. I'm not saying we never had hard days we did but overall they were easy babies without a lot of issues. People only want to discuss the bad.
I rolled my eyes at friends comment btw. I knew it was untrue

try not to stress too much. Babies sleep for a really long time over 24 hours. they wake up over night but generally their nighttime sleep is about 12 hours.

don’t feel like you have to put your baby to bed at 6pm as that means a 6am start and you are doing all parenting on your own then. Pick a time that works for you.

I personally put my baby to bed at midnight. Dad could then look after the baby after work. Baby woke up around midday which gave me a few hours in the morning to either have a lie in or get some jobs done, eat, shower etc.

This type of comment is really unhelpful to those of us with a difficult first baby who feel like it should be easy so we must be failing if it isn’t. Some babies are really difficult. Try relaxing with severe reflux and a baby with sensory issues who will only sleep in a silent, pitch black room. Things were infinitely easier for me with a toddler and a newborn, you can’t generalise like this with babies. There is too much variation.

I have a 10 month old. I thought it would be awful but I didn’t find it as bad as I thought it would be. The first maybe 3/4 weeks are a shock with the interrupted sleep but I found my body adapted to it after that.

I think if you’re really struggling, someone saying it’s easy and enjoyable can come across as smug. Not saying that was ever your intention - but whilst I agree that it’s mostly the negatives dwelled upon, I think that’s because most people realise that when someone’s having a hard time of it, it’s not always very sensitive to start talking about how easy you find it. That’s true of nearly everything - if I was finding something challenging at work and someone started telling me how easy they find it, I’d roll my eyes a bit. And especially when people are tired and hormonal that’s heightened.
I guess in the same way, I often keep quiet when my friends are discussing birth/pregnancy because theirs were fairly traumatic and mine was pretty quick and easy. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t positive birth stories, just that it’s not always appropriate to start discussing them. Ditto easy babies. Not saying this is a dig at you by the way, just a general pondering about why we hear more negatives than positives.

@Namechange908 I also had a c section and my recovery was not super speedy. Weeks 2-4 are honestly easier than weeks 6-12. Weeks 6-8 is peak fusiness/colic/screaming/gas pains and I had to call my parents to come and stay because it was just too much.

Organize a part time nanny. Check Koru Kids.

Edit to say that mornings are easy. Babies are very settled and happy in the first half of the day. You want help in the afternoons/evenings.

I'm not diagnosed, but with 2 (both) diagnosed kids and several diagnosed family members, plus my own presentation and childhood memories, I am 100% sure my kids inherited autism from me, for context.

I would say that yes having a baby can be tiring, a bit of a sensory nightmare and obviously will change your life. I wouldn't change it for the world though. Looking back it was absolutely manageable with one baby - a baby and a toddler together (conflicting needs) I found was much harder for the first month or two. I didn't mind most of the stuff I would have thought would have been difficult - obviously maternal instincts mean I didn't mind the nappies and the constant hugs at all, whereas I would have minded changing nappies and being climbed on by a different baby.
Things to consider (which I should have!):
Most importantly, there are all sorts of parenting books and advise from others out there about what's the best way to look after a baby, but you really need to listen to your own instincts and not do things that go against them. If you do things that deep down you don't agree with, you will just end up feeling terrible that you did!

If breastfeeding becomes a sensory nightmare, it's ok to stop it. Or not do it at all. I think I felt like I had to do it so ended up fully expressing which no doubt was good for the baby but was very hard work. I sometimes wish I'd spent that time enjoying my baby more.

If the baby is crying for a while it can feel overwhelming and emotional - because when we cry it is usually something serious. It helps to take a deep breath and put a 'detective hat' on as to how you deal with it. A baby crying can make you feel less than calm. The baby is obviously just crying because they need something - feeding, changing etc - sometimes they can just be wailing because they are tired and still little so need help to calm enough to sleep. At one point, about 5 months, my baby was crying every afternoon about 4pm and it took me a while to realise he was just tired. I was honestly on the verge of taking him to a doctor before I realised he was just tired (maybe I was tired as well!).
Definitely sleep when the baby sleeps if you are shattered. If breastfeeding (or bottle-feeding really) you can be tied up for a while so set up your area with things like water, snacks, the TV remote, a show to binge watch, even.

Cut corners where you can with house stuff if needs be.

If you want peace for a coffee with a young baby, often taking them out somewhere relatively buzzing will actually send them to sleep in their pram when they are little. It will also make you feel a bit more human if you just get out for a walk or somewhere once a day. But only if you WANT to.

Attend baby groups but realise it might take months of attending before you properly gel with anyone, if at all. It's good to pass the time and gives a bit more structure to the day. Baby signing, music classes, baby massage etc are brilliant to give you a 'focus' to spend time together with your baby.
Yes it was hard at times but also looking back I want to be back there rather than the issues with teens (which you can't always solve as easily). And the days are very slow, but time seems to pass so quickly!
BTW I hope this isn't patronising at all but this is just stuff I personally wish I'd known more at the beginning.

Simple answer: your experience will be individual to yourself and no one else. No two motherhood journeys are the same. Try not to compare or worry because X or Y have had a hard time. Try not to think it will be an absolute breeze because Z said it was.

Have an open mind and take it day by day.

You get a lot of negative comments. You do pretty much from pregnancy to when they are a teen.

I was told I’d never sleep, kiss goodbye to the holidays, enjoy having a bath whilst pregnant as I’d hardly have the time once baby arrives.

My son slept through from 3 weeks, has been on 3 holidays in 2 years and I have an hour long relaxing bath once a week.

That is just my experience with 1 child. My second might be completely different. Toddler stage is definitely something in my experience.

congratulations, 🥳

Go into it with the mindset that every baby is different - and I do think misery loves company so people like to share stories of sleepless nights to feel connected. Plus if you do have a good sleeper, it’s a bit of a faux pas to say so because that’s not the experience for everyone so I expect for every bad sleep story there’s a good one you’re not being told.

Not wanting to sacrifice sleep is unrealistic - I think you know that - but planning as much as you can bearing in mind your husband’s career might help. I have found a shared calendar to be a gamechanger when it comes to planning and sharing childcare options. I also think your awareness of your autism and what you find difficult is useful - before you have your baby, it would be useful to think of things that might help you eg maybe some Loop earplugs to help with noise sensitivity. I found the toddler stage to be much more of a sensory overload as my DD wants to be held, hold my hand, poke my face to show where my nose is etc.

Try not to negatively anticipate it too much as you won’t know until your baby is born. Your life is going to be disrupted, there is no avoiding that but try not to dwell on others’ experiences.

It's also important to remember that bad phases will happen to everyone at some point, but they're usually short lived.

There are pros to every con of each change, and you have to keep learning and changing what works.

The two toughest months for me were month four and month six.

Month four his sleep regressed and he didn't nap for more than 30m exactly every two hours, was interested in everything, but furiously overtired.

Month six he grew four teeth, hated food, and learned to crawl, which involved a lot of furiously frustrated screaming on his knees.

Other than that, he's been a delight. I loved it.

Really really strange that you took offence to this. I’m literally just pointing out if you’re stressed about maternity leave in part due to your husbands long hours then it’s only going to get worse and this is actually the easy bit.