AIBU to dread the baby stage?

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I’m pregnant with my first baby, due in April. It was planned but happened faster than expected (first month of trying). I love kids and have a really close bond with my nieces, age 8 and 5. However, I’m dreading the first year of having a baby.

All I’ve heard from friends with babies is how hard it is, baby blues, how the level of tiredness is like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Most of them have partners who have been able to work from home a few days a week to give them support during mat leave. That isn’t possible for my husband, who works long hours and is out of the house from 7am-7pm 5 days per week, sometimes later so I’m going to have limited support during the week. The nature of his job also means he really can’t go to work tired as he needs to concentrate (life or death) so I’ll need to do most of the night wake ups on week days.

I also have autism so I also struggle to cope with being overstimulated, lots of noise, being overtired.

I love children and I’m still excited to have a child and family and all the special experiences we can give them. I’m just really dreading the first year and how hard it will be.

Has anyone else felt like this?

You know you have autism and how that impacts you you know that your dh works long hours and can't help with night feeds. You've still chosen to have a baby, that demonstrates that you are up for whatever challengesyou might face. Every baby and every person is different. Your baby might sleep well, you might get into a routine that works well for you, you might find that you cope better than expected with nightfeeds. It's nice that people share their experience but it doesn't mean yours will look the same.

What you can do is look at what will make your life easier. So batch cooking might be an idea or using hello fresh to take the pressure off in the early days. If you intend to breastfeed, find about clinic or support groups in your area and find about about baby groups. These aren't a necessity but some mums can find it quite an isolating time. Do you have friends or family nearby that can pop in on you? I kept all my baby stuff re nappies, wipes etc upstairs because I find clutter looks messy and makes my mind feel messy. You might be different and if that's the case then having a nappy caddy downstairs with all your changing bits in might help (assuming you don't live in a flat or bungalow). If you can afford a cleaner to do a deep clean before you have the baby then it might be worth it. If baby is a velcro baby then a sling might help. I used to shower as soon as mine went down for a nap but if I needed to whilst they were awake I would pop them in a bouncer and take them into the bathroom so they could see me. Sometimes I'd shower in the evening instead. When you are in the thick of it it can seem like a slog but it is such a fleeting time really. With my older two I was so focused on doing everything perfectly as I didn't want to let them down that I didn't really relish the joy of them just being little. With my last baby I realised I was the one that put daft pressures on myself and just embraced the whole experience. I just revelled in being her mum and it was a very happy experience despite her having reflux and challenges of being a parent of 3.

Try to centre yourself, remain calm and enjoy preparing for your little ones arrival.

I understand what it's like to have a partner that works those hours, mine is a farmer, so it's long days, every day. He only had a few days off after I had my baby and then I was by myself mostly. My son is now 5 months old and yes there have been some tough days, but in the whole it's been the most wonderful experience 😊
I think it will really help to get as prepared as you can, batch cook lots and get in some easy freezer food too. Make yourself little stations for when you're nap trapped, with water bottle, snacks etc by your bed and where you sit in lounge. If anyone offers help, just take it! I tried to do as much as possible by myself but wish I'd just accepted help!
Best of luck 😊

Thank you for the really lovely comments and advice! These are some great tips that I’ll definitely use to help me prepare and make things as manageable as possible 😊

I loved having a baby so so so much!!! Such a special time in my life. Don’t dread it - you might love it

I would recommend trying to join a group of some kind now while you're pregnant (e.g. pregnancy yoga, NCT, or a Baby and Bumps type group) so that you have a readymade group of contacts of people who are going through the same thing as you, and who you can meet up with after baby is born. Seeing other people is key to keeping sane I found!

My partner was out of the house from 5am - sometimes 7pm some days while I had the baby, and it was really hard at times. The absolutely best thing I did was regularly meeting up with my pregnancy yoga friends. They became such a good support to me.

I didn't hugely enjoy the baby stage but I found ways to get through it, e.g. I took the baby with me to places I liked to go. We went out on a walk every day, sometimes twice. I tried to plan in activities throughout the week and I kept in touch with friends.

Try and prioritise the simple things - fresh air, decent food, as much sleep as you can and being honest with those around you when you are struggling.

It's hard to predict how you'll feel in advance so definitely try not to worry (easier said than done....!). For me it was the best year of my life, and i don't think I could have predicted that 🥰 Life is still really good now, but having a year off work with a tiny, cute, adorable little buddy was literally magical to me. Take each day as comes, there were definitely periods of colic and poopsplosions in amongst it all.

It depends on the baby. I loved the first year. I had a baby that slept and ate well from the get go, so my maternity leave was full of relaxing mornings and meeting with friends in the afternoon. I had no help. My partner worked shifts. I was alone with my baby a lot and absolutely loved it.

It's a long hard slog

I hated the baby stage, I think I’m also ND. Not hate as in loath but it’s my least favourite stage. I much prefer toddlers as I get smiles, cuddles and human responses. A new born was the hardest due to the sleep and pressures I put in myself.

I really struggled with bonding for the first 12 weeks, being told you should get a rush of love hormones…..mine never came. So know that’s also normal.

What saved me was going out on walks and going to mum groups, making mum friends so you can both say how crap of a night you had or message for support at 2am.

It’s not awful, but more relentless which can get quite wearing.

Honestly we did night Nanny 3 night per week for first 3 months it’s a game changer

shop around ours was a lot less than that and we did 10hr nights so 9-7am which made it a bit cheaper

the alternative is a CM in the day and sleep then if you want a break. They are £8-10ph in London.

I bought everything 2nd hand inc pram so I had the budget for night nanny.
100% worth it

given you know you “ struggle to cope with being overstimulated, lots of noise, being overtired.”
You surely have some sort of ideas /plans in place pre pregnancy….
White noise ear plugs etc

im NT and hate baby stage but it is what it is…🤷🏻‍♀️

You're not over exaggerating, it really is exhausting. It is awful 😖 at times. I have four DC so I know these things.

They poo, want milk, cry, sleep, cry more, want more milk and it does feel utterly relentless.

But then one day you're counting down to your eldest turning 18, literally a few months to go for us here in our family, and wonder where those years went.

In the blink of an eye you suddenly have children who have to navigate this crazy world on their own.

Enjoy your bundle of joy when the time comes😊

It's hard reading statements like this but so true.

It really is, I'm not ashamed to say I found it very difficult.

Everyone and every baby is different. No one can tell you how yours is going to be. Like pp have said, there’s a lot of scaremongering about the newborn days and baby blues and no sleep and how hard it is. I was dreading it too.

OP, the first year was absolutely fantastic for me. The best time. The first month or so was actually the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I’d do it all again. He slept in 3-4 hour stretches from day 1, quickly increased to 6, and when he woke up he fed and went straight back to sleep, so I was back to sleep within 45 mins-1hr. I never felt sleep deprived! He still loves his sleep actually and is to drag out of bed for nursery. He fed fine, was generally a happy baby. I never had a cold cuppa, hot showers every day, out and about all the time to coffee shops or visiting family… I used to wonder all the time what everyone had been going on about!

Then he turned 1 and I got it. From 1 year old I’d say it’s got harder for us. He’s 2.5 now and it’s got harder as he became a toddler and got to know his own mind. He stopped sleeping when he hit 1, it coincided with me going back to work, I was knackered, DH was knackered. But I reached out to the HV for advice and they gave us so much support and things to do that helped sort his sleep and routine out. I’d recommend knowing where that support is OP, don’t be scared to ask your HV or nursery or even GP etc.

You don’t know how your baby is going to be until they’re here. Take each day as it comes. Don’t let the worrying spoil such a special time. Good luck!

I’m heading into week 5 and honestly I’m feeling like I’m an utter failure, particularly when people are saying how easy it is!

I love the baby more than anything but it’s been anything but easy! Weirdly the lack of sleep is manageable - my baby woke up every hour last night. But we’ve had massive issues with feeding which has been stressful beyond belief, as a result she’s not at the minimum weight for a sling and doesn’t like being put down so it’d near impossible to get anything done! Today she let me make dinner but then went wild when it was time to eat it which is slightly frustrating. My husband is out 9am - midnight when he’s working so not much help!

BUT we do it, we carry on and each day brings something new and you won’t be able to believe that you created a tiny human who looks at you with the most lovely face in the world!

@Sayshesheshe off topic but have you tried a wrap sling? My baby was teeny tiny at 5lbs and didn’t get above 6lbs until about 4 weeks old but he was safe to put in a wrap.

The baby stage is tough, but it’s so worth it. Simplify as much as possible before baby arrives. Tidy stuff away that you won’t use, it’s easier to keep an uncluttered house clean. Get some meals stocked up in the freezer. Downgrade your expectations. It’s okay to live off ready meals for a while. It’s okay to live off biscuits and crisps too if it comes to it. Make sure you and baby have plenty of clothes so you don’t have to keep completely on top of the washing all the time.

It totally depends on the nature of your child.

Imo temperament, level of intellectual curiosity and how they sleep will define your experience of parenthood. I have a triad of emotionally sensitive, super clever and a fucking awful sleeper in my eldest. The youngest is 12 weeks and although lively and curious, just way more chilled out emotionally and a better sleeper (god, why would I even tempt fate typing that?!)

Good luck and get help in place is my advice. Women weren't meant to do this shit alone x

I loved having babies. The births never worked out - I had 3 awful births with 2 emergency sections but the rest was amazing: I wish I could go back and do it again. Newborns are so special, they smell amazing and that time is precious.

Obviously some people hate the baby stage but, in a way, it's the easiest time - follow all the advice on the leaflets and you can be a good mother - put them to sleep on their backs, keep the room a certain temperature- it's all so specific. With a teenager now, it's not so clearcut... I'm can't say I'm doing the right thing at all.

I have a 4 month old baby and ICU consultant husband.

I was dreading newborn baby stage and I love it. I adore my baby, and it's magical watching him develop. I find myself gushing to people about his latest development- now he can bring his hands together!

On a practical note I joined a group here on mumsnet for babies due in August and someone created a Facebook page and WhatsApp group and it's been amazing being in a cohort of mums. I also recommend doing an antenatal class just to meet people. .
Also, frankly on your salaries you can afford to get a bit of help. My husband has dropped 25% of his clinical hours for the first year of our baby's life. This is so he gets a chance to bond - it's wonderful having him home so much.

Secondly, consider having a night nurse for a limited time. We booked one for the first 6 weeks after ny husband went back to work (so weeks 4-10 postpartum) just on the nights he is away working (he works in a different city). The first 2 weeks were essential - 4 weeks would have been fine. It cost us something like £3k but savings covered it. It was essential for my recovery from the c section. Something amazing happens at 6 weeks and you suddenly start feeling much better. But those first 6 weeks were hard.

Thirdly, get a nanny for the mornings. If i get someone 8-12 i realistically get 2-3 hrs sleep and that means I can survive. We get one between 4-5 mornings a week. Get one for as soon as your husband goes back to work. I'd say 3 mornings at least.

Personally, I found the baby stage the easiest. You will have broken sleep which is hard to adapt to but babies are so easy. It's the toddler stage that is the hardest in my opinion.

Just don't put pressure on yourself to have a spotless house, getting anywhere or making lots of plans. Take everyday as it comes. A nurse once told me a calm mom is a calm baby.