AIBU.. Banning Teens From House

[RedVelvetIcing]

AIBU..

We moved into our brand new build a few months ago and I have been easy going at having people over but the lack of respect towards my house is tipping me over the edge and is causing me and my child to fall out.

I’m aware some of these may sound like no big deal but I have OCD and I have worked hard to have nice things as a single mum and I don’t want stuff ruined or the expense of having to replace them.

•They think my house is a free for all. They come immediately after school despite me saying no and some nights they don’t leave until 8:45. At the weekend they want to be here most of the time meaning we have very little time without other kids in the house. I feel like this is affecting my child’s diet and school work as she will put her friends above sitting down for a full meal. I say no they come anyway.

•I’ve had extra kids sneak in during sleepovers. One was sick all over the patio doors when I had no idea they were even here.

•They are incapable of using the toilet without leaving skid marks.

•They have spilt drinks all up my fresh white walls and on my carpets. Some walls need to be repainted and I could do with having certain carpets cleaned.

•They’ve broken some blinds which need to be replaced. Again these are only months old and now I need to spend more money to change them.

• They vape in the house and it stinks - I’ve told them not to vape in my house but it falls on deaf ears. They think my kitchen is a free for all too.

•They crash and drive around and the house thuds - No matter how many times I tell them to stop banging they continue and I don’t want to annoy my neighbours.

I could give more examples but they are much the same. The lack of respect is pissing me off something rotten but I don’t know if I’m being irrational. It seems everytime they are here something else breaks or a new stain appears somewhere.

I’m well aware having OCD is part of the problem but am I a crazy mum to say that my teens friends aren’t welcome in my home?

“am I a crazy mum to say that my teens friends aren’t welcome in my home?”

This feels massively unreasonable, I think you need to get better at setting and enforcing rules instead.

I have tired until I’m blue in the face which is why I’m at the end of my tether. It falls on deaf ears.

I think you are right OP. It’s not your OCD it’s their blatant disregard for your rules and they have no respect .

Do you literally have OCD (obsessive, intrusive thoughts that something awful will happen unless you engage in a particular compulsive behaviour) or are you using it in that really offensive way people do, when they just mean they like a nice home or are abit obsessed with cleaning?

Also, you say you so no but they do all these things anyway (have friends round, vape). What are the consequences for these behaviours? Your child is so disobedient, it's really rude. How are you putting down the boundary? Because they seem to be running all over it.

I don't have OCD and I would be cracking skulls over this! I would tell DD that they are all banned for a month - nobody is to come into the house, no exceptions. In the meantime, sit down with her and draw up a set of house rules. After a month, one friend can come at a time - you can increase it if all goes well and you feel comfortable. Anyone who breaks one of the house rules is banned.

It's really important for teenagers to be able to have their friends round, but not at the expense of your enjoyment of your own home. Your DD needs to be stepping up and policing her own friends' behaviour. A chat about rules will give her the opportunity to say if she's being dominated or disrespected by some of these people, and you can take the blame for banning them if so.

Good god, why have you tolerated any of this without slinging the messy, disrespectful beggars out? Why has your DD allowed her friends to treat your home like this?

How old are your children? And these children coming to the house?

Can't you just lock the door and then answer it with 'I'm sorry we aren't having anyone in tonight' then (depending on the age of your child) tell them they can go out with their friends after their tea and homework is done?

your OCD is not the issue here.

These kids coming to your house for 6 hours a day when you’ve said no and then trashing it is the issue.

Your OCD is not part of this problem. The kids are being messy, disrespectful and taking the piss.

Threaten to ban the friends unless things improve.

Then follow through if they don't. Ban them for a set period of time (3 months?). Call police if they sneak in - and warn your kids of that.

Give your kids another chance after that maybe, but on the basis of it being an instant ban if they disrespect the house again even just once.

This is on your kids to ensure their friends respect your property too. They need to learn not to invite people who are going to ruin their home.

I would start enforcing serious consequences over her friend’s behavior. That said, not allowing them round at all will probably just lead her to engage in risky behavior elsewhere, outside of your supervision.

There’s a reason they’re in your house the whole time. Because they’re getting away with shite they wouldn’t at home or in someone else’s. They and your daughter have absolutely no respect for you or your home. You’ve told them not to vape but they do it anyway! You’re completely enabling them.

Why are you letting them in?
How old is your child? It's everyone's duty to ruin their child's life at least once a week.
I'd say you broke the rules do your now grounded for a week next week you can have 1 or 2 on Monday, Thursday if they behave we will review it.....if they make a mess your child cleans it up and the grounding starts again.
But I'd rather have my teen home with friends than on the streets....I'd say in your bedroom not my living room and go one by x .....

Good point about it being offensive to people with diagnosed OCD when others use the term loosely to mean being a bit obsessive about tidiness/cleanliness.

Bloody hell OP your DC and their friends are taking the piss. You need to enforce some very strict rules & set proper boundaries.

I have teenagers and really like the fact that they hang out here & aren't wandering the streets or hanging around in the park but the first sniff of vaping and they'd all be out of their ear (one of my DC's new friends did once and I gave him such a rollicking in front of everyone we've never had an issue since) My kids know there's a strict drinks & food in the kitchen only rule and if someone's throwing up, I'm guessing they're pissed so I'd be ringing their parents and telling them to come and collect them sharpish. Thudding around - fairly typical especially if it's a new build but breaking things? no chance they'd be coming back plus i'd be having a word with my DC about how they let it get to this stage and deducting from their allowance to pay for it.

Lay down your expectations & set firm ground rules and then enforce them. I'm guessing once they lose their favourite place to hang out, they'll soon learn to toe the line.(or find somewhere else but either way win-win.)
I've had various behavioural and attitude issues with my teenagers so far from perfect but how they treat our home (& therefore I would hope other peoples ) is non-negotiable.

My DD15 has seen this sort of behaviour from her friends and won't invite them to our house. It's absolutely not acceptable.
Unfortunately you are now seen as the push over parent and your house the most fun with no rules.
Have you anyone else there to back you up and help enforce your rules, which are just normal ones, not over the top at all?

show your chiildren the damage, tell them how much they need to save to cover the costs.

When you find skidmarks - go and get one of your children to clean the toilet

photos of the sick on the patio door, directly to the child's parents.

You need to learn to set proper boundaries and consequences. (Preferably 10 years ago, but here we are)

until the things are repaired: you send the kids home, when they turn up, out they go.

Do your kid's friends respect her? It sounds like she has no control over them and they see her home as a place with the same boundaries as she has with them: none.

It's like a mild form of "cuckooing". Google it in relation to recent court cases.

Op you are not being unreasonable. If they can't respect your property and rules then they don't come in

Yeah your OCD is not the issue. Your lack of any kind of authority is.

You sound as if all of this is out of your control, when it isn't. All visitors stop, completely for a period of time. Lock the doors if necessary, only allowing your own DC in. Then I'd allow a gradual reintroduction, provided they prove they can behave.

You are the one in charge here.

Teenagers in your house.

For - you know where yours are, what they are doing, who they are with.

Against - they are treating your house as a play area with 24/7 buffet facilities. Not to mention skid marks!

It seems that they are all taking the piss.

I think you need a few boundaries in place. Establishing them will be harder, keeping them going easier.

We had a house that was open to virtually all - normally it worked well. Never really had any problems - even the skinny dipping on child no.2's 18th!

Thank you all so much for your replies, I really do appreciate them.

I would like to add that none of them are allowed to have each other over at their houses like this as when they were allowed they were even worse.

Quite often they force themselves upon one of their grandparents which I don’t think is fair. I have no idea what their parents must think as their kids are rarely with them and my child only made friends with them when we moved here. I’m single so I don’t have anyone to back me up.

My daughter says she feels pressured to have them here or to spend so much time with them and as a result she bombards me until I give in. This is a whole other issue which I’m trying to deal with as she is burnt out from having no time to herself.

These teenagers are 15 and turning 16. My DD is the youngest and an only child.

There has been times when I’ve snapped and told them all to get out after they’ve damaged something/continued to vape/make too much noise. Sleepovers are no longer allowed.

I do have diagnosed OCD but I’ve worked hard to control it but some of the things they do triggers it.

My daughter says to me that she doesn’t want them ruining our things either and that she often says she doesn’t want them in anyway but she can’t say no to them.

I will definitely be taking full control back. Thank you all again

This sounds like a complicated form of grooming/bullying.

your DD is crying out for help here, ban them from the house and don't give in if they hassle her and she's consequently on at you. It's a form of bullying from these 'friends'.

Your DD needs better friends, what these kids are doing is almost Cuckooing.
They are not her friends, they are using her (and you)

I realise it won't be easy for you or your daughter to say no to these bullies - is there someone, another adult, you could have at the house to reinforce your banning these young thugs from your house? What about getting a Ring doorbell and when you see it's them, just don't let them in?

Otherwise, if you're in the UK you need to contact your Safer Neighbourhood Team (SNT). You can find them online, or call 101 and speak to the police non-emergency operator to make contact with your local SNT.