AIBU.. Banning Teens From House

[RedVelvetIcing]

AIBU..

We moved into our brand new build a few months ago and I have been easy going at having people over but the lack of respect towards my house is tipping me over the edge and is causing me and my child to fall out.

I’m aware some of these may sound like no big deal but I have OCD and I have worked hard to have nice things as a single mum and I don’t want stuff ruined or the expense of having to replace them.

•They think my house is a free for all. They come immediately after school despite me saying no and some nights they don’t leave until 8:45. At the weekend they want to be here most of the time meaning we have very little time without other kids in the house. I feel like this is affecting my child’s diet and school work as she will put her friends above sitting down for a full meal. I say no they come anyway.

•I’ve had extra kids sneak in during sleepovers. One was sick all over the patio doors when I had no idea they were even here.

•They are incapable of using the toilet without leaving skid marks.

•They have spilt drinks all up my fresh white walls and on my carpets. Some walls need to be repainted and I could do with having certain carpets cleaned.

•They’ve broken some blinds which need to be replaced. Again these are only months old and now I need to spend more money to change them.

• They vape in the house and it stinks - I’ve told them not to vape in my house but it falls on deaf ears. They think my kitchen is a free for all too.

•They crash and drive around and the house thuds - No matter how many times I tell them to stop banging they continue and I don’t want to annoy my neighbours.

I could give more examples but they are much the same. The lack of respect is pissing me off something rotten but I don’t know if I’m being irrational. It seems everytime they are here something else breaks or a new stain appears somewhere.

I’m well aware having OCD is part of the problem but am I a crazy mum to say that my teens friends aren’t welcome in my home?

It is one thing a child/teen being allowed to have their friends round- and and totally another to allow this takeover by ignorant louts.

We always welcomed our kid's friends- right up to them leaving home. But they were expected to be polite, to behave properly, to ask before getting a drink or food.

It sounds like your DD wants them to stop. Step up and ban them, this will take the pressure off your DD. If they continue to pester (and it reads more like bullying) then contact their parents and the school. There are times when the adult parent has to step up and be the parent- take charge!

Sounds like they have you and your daughter targeted as soft touches. They're not her friends, they're users. They won't behave so ban the lot of them.

Who's the adult here ffs.

@RedVelvetIcing so you are allowing your home to become a drinking and vaping den of eniquity for a bunch of underagers???? put your foot down. you are the boss in your house, not your teenager and certainly not their friends!! push comes to shove, phone their parents to come and get them!

Who on Earth are these horrible kids?!

Absolutely YANBU.

I'd be standing at the door not letting them in.
Your dd is wanting your help here, stand firm!

I have three kids, my youngest is 16 so I have been in the teenage years for at least a decade. My kids would NEVER be so disrespectful. They can have friends over whenever they like - i'd rather they were here in the house than hanging around the streets. But they will always ask if friends can come over.

They know I wouldn't tolerate drinking or vaping in the house so don't even try, and we have had a couple of accidental breakages like mugs, but nothing major.

This isn't an "i'm too houseproud" issue, the issue is that you have no respect from your teenagers who are treating your home like shit. How very dare they How old are they?

This! No way would we have got away with this. Massively disrespectful.

"My daughter says to me that she doesn’t want them ruining our things either and that she often says she doesn’t want them in anyway but she can’t say no to them."

She is asking you for protection. You have to give it to her and ban these kids from your house, permanently, no further discussion. She is ASKING you to do this.

You don't have a random teenager problem, you have a daughter problem.

I'm finding this quite disturbing actually. It does sound like your daughter is being bullied and you sound more concerned about damage to your house. You are the adult here.

I would lock the door and not let them in. Absolutely not a chance would I let other peoples teenagers dictate my life and ruin my home. It is your home and you’re allowed a peaceful weekend or evening without other peoples kids in your house.
just tell them sorry but no one is allowed in the house again as it’s getting trashed. That is it. If they are found in the house you’ll call the police and stick by this.

Agree that your dd is asking for your help to stop this, you need to take charge of the situation op. If your dd finds it too difficult to tell her friends they're banned (because of the peer pressure / potential fall out), then you need
to step in and tell these kids you're not hosting them at yours for the foreseeable.

It all sounds quite intimidating tbh, not just rude and disrespectful. Like a pp said, get a Ring doorbell so you can see who's at the door and just refuse to let them in when they inevitably turn up.

They sound awful, and like a pack mentality going on, don't be surprised if they turn on your dd when you put this boundary in place, I get the feeling they're using her for a place to hang out and it does sound like elements of bullying involved. Your dd would be better off without these so called friends imo, and no I don't think it's ocd making you overreact, it's antisocial behaviour that no parent would want in their home or effecting your dd.

I don't allow teens in our house. They go to football, climbing, cinema etc together.. No good reason to loaf around someone else's house

Does your DD have house keys? Remove them for her own safety.
If she needs to get into the house before you then tough - she can stay on in the school library, the public library or get an after school job.

Get a Ring doorbell. Get an indoor camera that you can use to remotely tell people to leave. Be That Mother. Call the police if you need to.

Lastly, you can with a bit of help - smart plugs and an app, block use of the TV, the internet so there is nothing to do at your house.

You need to break the cycle of her friends tail gating her. It sounds like she is being totally manipulated by them.

I’m amazed you’ve let this go on so long OP. I’d have banned them after the first vaping. They’re not allowed in any more. If they come straight in with your daughter, tell them to leave. If they won’t leave, call their parents.

How inconsiderate of them. It's not fair on you or your DD by the sounds of it

Things you could try if you do continue to allow them over....

• give them a set time when they need to leave and say it to them all - ' ladies 8pm is my cut off tonight thanks'

• get an alarm for the house for anyone who is going to try and sneak in for sleepovers and order some shitty cameras (they don't even need to work) and stick them around the outside of the house to deter them sneaking in

• as soon as one of them leaves the toilet disgusting so straight into the room and announce to all of them that whoever last used the toilet needs to clean it as it's disgusting

• go to the £1 shop and get some cups with lids on and insist that they use them because they have split so much

• create an area in the garden/outside the house where they can vape. Could even try finding a free/cheap outdoor heater

Will any of this work ? Probably not but atleast you have tried

The only unreasonable thing about you here is why have you let these absolute piss takers shit up and disrespect your house? I’d be absolutely kicking them out and telling their parents how disgusting and ill mannered they are.

Kick them out! It’s your house! Call their parents to come fetch them or even physically push them out.

She bombards you until you give in?!??!

Have a word with your daughter and tell her they are welcome on a Friday only.

Take away her door key and tell her she has to stay at school in the library until you're home from work. She can tell these girls she has lost her key.

She sounds like she is being manipulated by them. She needs to learn to say no to them herself.

I think I'd probably also contact the school and see if they can keep your daughter behind with perhaps revision classes or clubs.

Ban them, all of them.

Tell her she can let them all know her Mum is absolutely mental, totally savage, will call the police etc etc. She can play up how massively cringe it is, not her fault then...

Then ensure you are home before she is home for a few nights running even if it means taking some time off work to do this.

So IF they think they can come home with her and bully their way in, they'll find they're wrong.

If they attempt it with you there, call the police. Do it. Scream at them. Tell them to fuck off.

This sort of shit happened precisely once at my house and because my mother genuinely was absolutely fucking mental and totally savage they fucked off sharpish and never tried it again, our house was given a massive swerve from then on!

Also limit SM/phone messaging etc time so that they can't try blowing up her phone with messages demanding she comes out/sneaks them in etc etc.

Intervention time.

Sit your child down and lay out some rules:

Visiting times enforced
Absolutely no vaping/smoking/alcohol etc - if found permission to visit withdrawn.

Police to be called if visitors do not leave when asked.

Any damage - paid for either by the person or your child, if not paid, police called....

Keep a note of infringements.

I feel sorry for you, but... How the hell have you let it go this far?

Your daughter is asking for help dealing with these people. She's scared and doesn't know what to do, having had nothing to equip her for this situation.

You need to tell them they're not allowed in again, period. That's that.

Daughter can be told to tell them 'Mum says no mote visits that's it, sorry guys nothing I can do', for when they inevitably pressure her. Protect her here, she's begging you to.

Your child needs better friends, they sound awful and clearly think they can roughshod over her to do what they want. Not easy to separate yourself when you’re a teen and want to belong, so it’s up to you to put rules and boundaries in place - and mean it.
I’m outraged on your behalf that they are messing things up, and breaking things in your home despite you telling them no. They’re taking the piss and need to be told to leave, tell them that DD isn’t allowed friends over at the min. If they come round, tell them they can’t come in or stay. Your DD can always say she’s grounded so can’t go out etc - ‘blaming you’ for not seeing them as much but giving her time to back off from them with this excuse.

Op I'm not house proud but this sounds crazy.

Secondly are you sure your ocd isn't making you over empathise damage eg my Mil would call one dirty plate on the side utter filth

Lastly .. Is your dd being taken advantage of she sounds pressured and I wonder if maybe you would help her by simply banning them.

Is she vulnerable??