AIBU.. Banning Teens From House

[RedVelvetIcing]

AIBU..

We moved into our brand new build a few months ago and I have been easy going at having people over but the lack of respect towards my house is tipping me over the edge and is causing me and my child to fall out.

I’m aware some of these may sound like no big deal but I have OCD and I have worked hard to have nice things as a single mum and I don’t want stuff ruined or the expense of having to replace them.

•They think my house is a free for all. They come immediately after school despite me saying no and some nights they don’t leave until 8:45. At the weekend they want to be here most of the time meaning we have very little time without other kids in the house. I feel like this is affecting my child’s diet and school work as she will put her friends above sitting down for a full meal. I say no they come anyway.

•I’ve had extra kids sneak in during sleepovers. One was sick all over the patio doors when I had no idea they were even here.

•They are incapable of using the toilet without leaving skid marks.

•They have spilt drinks all up my fresh white walls and on my carpets. Some walls need to be repainted and I could do with having certain carpets cleaned.

•They’ve broken some blinds which need to be replaced. Again these are only months old and now I need to spend more money to change them.

• They vape in the house and it stinks - I’ve told them not to vape in my house but it falls on deaf ears. They think my kitchen is a free for all too.

•They crash and drive around and the house thuds - No matter how many times I tell them to stop banging they continue and I don’t want to annoy my neighbours.

I could give more examples but they are much the same. The lack of respect is pissing me off something rotten but I don’t know if I’m being irrational. It seems everytime they are here something else breaks or a new stain appears somewhere.

I’m well aware having OCD is part of the problem but am I a crazy mum to say that my teens friends aren’t welcome in my home?

You'd not be unreasonable to ban them, but I'm not convinced they'd pay any more attention than they do to the rest of your rules tbh.

Of course you need to ban them. Sounds like your dd is being bullied and is asking for your help.

I agree that your DD is clearly asking for support here.
I’d tell her that she should tell these “friends” that you have said they are not allowed any more and, as PP have said, she could say she does not have a key any more (unless you think these little oiks might actually search her for it).
Also have a discussion with her about how friends who make you do things you are not comfortable with are not really friends.

Some children are just feral. My sons and friends were playing with nerf guns in the garden and one friend just decided to trample through our home in muddy shoes, head to the upstairs window landing, raise the horizontal blinds (where one side is hanging down) push aside my lovely ornament, swing the window open and start shooting at the others boys into the garden.

I was pissed, my own kids would think twice about doing that. They told him to get down. It’s a complete lack of respect. Our boys know that it’s mum and dad that have to clean up the mud on the carpets and that we spent a lot for those blinds and that I love my glass Buddha that I got on holiday way back in ‘01 and have dragged lovingly from country to country.

Get the fuck outta our house and get some manners.

Are you sure your daughter wants them there? She might be waiting for you to stick to your word and stop them coming over. Sounds like the 'friends' aren't very nice and she might be feeling a bit intimated.

This sounds like you and your daughter are being bullied into this, are you otherwise vulnerable?

Next time they step foot in your home unwelcome, call the police. This is bloody awful, OCD or not, that irrelevant.

Your home, your rules. And that stands for your daughter too, she also needs to respect your decision.

Police every time (and school)

Time for you and your daughter to grow a pair and tell them straight when they go to come in next time say "sorry not tonight" and mean it. I was always the mum who allowed my older kids friends in after school (they would usually end up staying for tea) and for sleepovers but they sure as hell behaved themselves and respected my home or they would not have come in again!
If you don't put your foot down now it is going to get seriously out of control and you'll end up with more and more turning up and doing allsorts.

I think you need to call time on friends being in the house .
Why should you put up with those types of behaviours.

if your teen doesn't like it , just state that if their had been respect from her friends then they would be allowed but they had total disregard for your house being a home and it stops today .

what happens when you tell them off? Or do you feel anxious in regards to disciplining other people's teens?
I threw my daughters friend out once for drawing on her wall , she was 14 and it was freshly decorated, banned her , she hasn't been back since , told her mother why as well , that was 2 years ago now , my son has all of his friends here but they are all respectable, I am lucky.
but one of my daughters friends uses us so she doesn't have to pay for the bus to school and home cooked meals and showers and to use the washing machine , because her mother isn't responsible,

but she gets treated like my own , so I can tell her off , when they are loud at night (the girls) i turn the power off , then they will behave until next time.

You seem like a friend of mine who let's people walk all over her because of anxiety (i could be wrong) those kids shouldn't be in your home , that's your domain , you pay the bills.
It sounds like your teen needs to pick some nicer friends, so sorry you are going through this , but honestly you are not out of orfmder in the slightest, good luck.

This, 100%

As pp said, lock the door and don't let the buggers in. Starting immediately, your house is 'by invite only' - you decide who's allowed, not your daughter

It sounds like you are in a rough area, or that your DD has been targeted by the rough kids at the very least. I'd seriously consider moving again. Is your DD going to be able to get away from these feral kids after GCSEs?

I agree with all the posts it definitely is not your OCD.Just say no until you respect my house you are no longer welcome.I haven't got OCD but I would go mad if they did this to me.You have a lovely home which you have worked hard for,it's so distressing when people have no respect how dare they,if they cone to the door turn them away for your DD sake as well as yours.

I have no idea what kind of no boundary parenting is going on in your home.
Are you afraid of these children or your own child?

How do they make it through your front door? THEY CANT COME IN!
And if your child is pushing the boundaries that needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY!

I think the problem is your parenting style. You may need to consider investing in parenting classes for support because this sounds wild.

P.s I have 3 children all ages. So I talk from experience not judgement but.... you need to put your foot down immediately.

From your update it sounds as if your daughter is struggling with these other children. She does want to be friends with them but is feeling pressured into letting them come over, to maintain the friendship. Therefore she doesn't have any boundaries, and even if she did, it's unlikely they'd listen. Sadly, these children aren't really friends, they are using her, as her home is an easy place for them to doss around with little to no consequences. I suspect as soon as your home no longer becomes available, these friends will disappear on your daughter. You are the adult, and you need to set the boundaries, that your daughter needs to follow. No friends over for a little while, so your daughter can get her studies back on track. Rules that need to be followed - a friend over at a time. No vaping at all. No raiding the kitchen. Respectful to your home. A set time when the friend must go home by.

These "friends" are walking all over your daughter. Ban them from the house and see how quickly the "friends" move on to someone else they can exploit.

Would defo not allow them in the house. Your child needs to understand that they only come in at YOUR invitation. Your child seems to have made friends with some awful children.. I would be calling their parents and telling them yo collect their child . Explain that if they cause damage you will be sending them the parents the bill. Think the parents are taking advantage using you as an unpaid child sitter. Be the grown up tell the so called friends to leave. No sleep overs and I would definitely not be allowing them to vape or smoke especially if they are under age. Keep your doors locked only let in people you want to be there.

You'll be doing your daughter a favour if you ban these kids from her home and safe place.

My daughter says to me that she doesn’t want them ruining our things either and that she often says she doesn’t want them in anyway but she can’t say no to them.

Wonder where she got that attitude from? If you want her to be assertive and independent you need to model that to her and not let the pair of you be walked all over

OCD or not, this is unacceptable and I don’t understand why on earth you have put up with it for so long! It’s great to have some flexibility and leeway regarding friends visiting when you have teens but you would not be unreasonable to have some rules and boundaries around this eg
No one stays for dinner without prior arrangement (eg 24 hours notice or whatever you think is reasonable).
Weekends only would be perfectly reasonable- at 15/16 surely they have homework/studying to do?
Any manage, their parents will be getting a bill.
Absolutely no vaping or they will be asked to leave.
No one in your house that you don’t know is there! (How has this even happened??)
It sounds like your daughter needs help managing these ‘friends’. If they arrive at your door uninvited a firm ‘not tonight Lizzie has X to do’

Your daughter is the problem here. Is she as much of a doormat as you are?

Every time one of her friends pukes, leaves skidmarks, spills a drink, messes up the kitchen, or marks a wall, make her clean it up. Bill her for food and drink her mates consume. She'll get very tired of that.

When the teens come to the house, sit in the same room with them and be very annoying. Tell them no drinks in the living room, no feet on the furniture, shoes off inside the house, turn that TV way down, no vaping - "give me that or leave, up to you". Etc. Be prepared to act the absolute bitch. Don't try to be nice.

Also, change the wifi password. They're all using a service you're paying for. Your DD doesn't get a free phone or wifi any more until she accepts the house is yours and she owes you 100% more respect than she's currently exhibiting, and/ or grows a backbone and keeps to your rules about having people over.

And the sleepovers need to be earned - your home has been turned into the local flop house.

I don’t have a teen so I don’t know what it’s like but I would say this is between you and your daughter. I always want my home to feel welcoming and for my kids friends to be around all the time but they need to respect us and the house.
You need to set boundaries with your daughter. If she and her friends don’t respect them then I’d just ground her or something as she’s not getting any consequences out of not listening to you. Usually against grounding kids but if they won’t listen you have to do something.

also how about speaking to the other kids parents?

That's how I felt reading this. Absolutely awful and I sympathise as a single mum too. I have a young teen and his friends are nice kids but I also have a chronic illness and full on job so I have no issue saying no if I can't cope with some of them sometimes. One kid will never come here again after the way he behaved but ds was so stressed by it he won't want that anyway.

It's bloody hard being a lone parent. I think they're taking the piss because there isn't a Dad frankly! There's no way I can imagine kids behaving like that if there was another adult to reckon with too.

Jesus, nothing to do with OCD.

My mother was a single parent and if I had attempted to treat the house like that I'd have had my key removed and had to be let in. And yes, that would have meant sitting my arse out in the cold somewhere until she got back from work. And I'm sure I'd have learnt fast.

I'd suggest you come up with a way to take her key, control who comes in when and take it from there.

Real OCD is a long way removed from simply making sure things are clean and tidy. It involves obsessive behaviour which the sufferer has to do. If they don't, they are subject to dark, intrusive , spiralling thoughts. They catastrophise. One example...my daughter showers in a certain order. If she doesn't, she feels that the shadowy figure who monitors her behaviour will be standing outside the shower curtain holding one of her children's heads. It can take ages to get dressed, it just doesn't feel right. She can't open emails. The jams have to be in the right order. She cried when I opened a crisp bag upside-down, because it made her feel so ill. The list is endless and the imagined consequences terrifying.
The OP stated she has diagnosed OCD, so I'm not having a pop at her, just pointing out that so many people really don't understand.

Someone who gets it x

I think this is much more serious than spoiling your furnishings.
This sounds like coercive control and bullying almost cuckooing.
They may be mixed up with drug dealers.
They have targeted your house because you are a single parent and your daughter is timid.
Speak to safeguarding officer at school and call police on 101 for advice.
Do not let this continue.
Could your daughter change school?
You need to get on top of this before it gets even worse.
I wish you all the best.
Do.not.let.them.in.