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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel this was odd and dismissive?

81 replies

JensenButtonsBellyButton · 27/11/2024 23:01

This happened a while ago but it comes into my mind occasionally so wanting some outside perspective.

DH, 2 kids and I were attending DH’s uncle’s funeral at other end of country so long drive. On arrival at aunt’s house found that she wanted DH and his brother ( her nephews) to be in funeral cars. I was a bit taken aback as we’d come as a family, but ok. So SIL and I drove our cars ( with our kids) to the funeral.
On arrival we discovered that main funeral party ( aunt, her kids and their partners, DH, BIL and my MIL) were of course sat in front two rows. But, and here’s where I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable, there was nowhere for us to sit. They hadn’t kept any seats for me, SIL and our kids. It was full so we had to stand at the back.

AIBU to think this was…odd?

OP posts:

Melancholyflower · 27/11/2024 23:07

I wasn't aware that people reserved seating for extended family at funerals. There are usually friends of the deceased who were more important to them than a nephew's wife and children attending, so higher priority as guests.

BarbaraHoward · 27/11/2024 23:12

I wouldn't expect to be in the seats at the front for DH's uncle's funeral, no. Maybe if it was a tiny family and I knew him well.

At that remove your job is to show up, show sympathy and not create work for anyone in the family.

StormingNorman · 27/11/2024 23:13

I don’t think you were slighted. This all sounds quite normal.

Fintoo · 27/11/2024 23:14

Sounds normal to me.

JustinThyme · 27/11/2024 23:15

I've never known them to save seats for anyone aside for principle mourners at a funeral. I don't think you were slighted.

notacooldad · 27/11/2024 23:15

Perfectly normal.

Guest100 · 27/11/2024 23:17

It sounds normal. If it’s too tricky to manage kids in that situation it would be fine to take them outside. You were there to be supportive, you don’t have to stand at the back and keep kids quiet.

Mattins · 27/11/2024 23:17

Sounds normal to me. What seems odd is that you seem to be looking for slights from grieving people.,

PinkertonRab · 27/11/2024 23:18

I think it was weird to split off your husbands and leave you out. I wouldn’t make a thing of it and I’m sure you didn’t but I would be mildly irritated

Littletreefrog · 27/11/2024 23:19

Sounds normal to me. Never heard of keeping seats at a funeral.

Ponoka7 · 27/11/2024 23:24

Totally normal. Blood relatives in the car and front seats. Then close friends. Only if the in-laws were close to the deceased, or it wasn't well attended, would it be done how you expected. You were there in a supporting role and should have been prepared to go with the flow.

ellenpartridge · 27/11/2024 23:26

Sounds fine

Doliveira · 27/11/2024 23:27

Absolutely normal!

SprinkleCake · 27/11/2024 23:30

I do think it’s a bit off in all honesty but I’d not have driven my kids to the other end of the country for it either if you’re not close.

Notimeforaname · 27/11/2024 23:50

As others have said, totally normal.
You are there to show support and respect to those who are grieving , not for your comfort or preference 🙄

Moellen54 · 05/12/2024 16:05

At the most recent funeral we attended, family were admitted first including cousins. I get you not being in the cars because space is limited but I would have expected both of your husbands to be sat with you

Twointhehand1 · 05/12/2024 16:08

Totally normal. Close family only in cars as there is limited space. It sounds like they had a couple of spaces left, so they kindly asked his nephews to go.
Usually the people in the cars follow the coffin in and everyone files in after. Usually in grief or in silence. No one is saving anyone seats. It’s not a wedding with ushers or bride on one side and groom on the other.
There is literally no issue here IMO.

cstaff · 05/12/2024 16:09

I don't like the sound of this. When my dad died a few years ago the front row was my mam, me and my siblings. Behind or beside us were all in-laws and grandkids.

This is in Ireland so maybe we do things differently here.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 05/12/2024 16:10

That is quite normal at funerals. Close family and friends are at the front and everyone else just finds a place to sit. It's only for an hour or so.
At my latest family funeral, I walked into the church behind the coffin and sat at the front, while my partner was already seated further back.

housethatbuiltme · 05/12/2024 16:20

I think you need to remember its not about you.

This isn't your family at all and is at best distant family of your kids who I'm guessing they had little relationship with. Obviously your DH is much closer to this family member and/or those grieving him.

Being upset you weren't honored enough at someone you barely knows funeral is really quite tactless.

People comparing it to their or DH PARENT dying are missing that this is a long distance UNCLE. OP is not the persons DIL, she is not supporting her DH through great loss, this is not her DC grandparents. Her DH is their to support his parents/aunt through their big loss. OP attendance means little to nothing and is just for social appearance.

cstaff · 05/12/2024 16:24

I just realised it was an uncle and not a grandparent / Inlaw. In that case I would just sit wherever in the church with other relations who didn't make the top row.

Hatty65 · 05/12/2024 16:26

Yep, YABU.

It's perfectly normal for close family to sit in first two rows and the rest of the mourners squeeze in when/where they can.

Latecomers stand at the back if it's busy.

At the back with kids is ideal as you can take them outside if necessary.

You/SIL and kids weren't closely related to the deceased. I wouldn't have expected them to save seats for you at all.

Westofeasttoday · 05/12/2024 16:33

I think maybe take a new perspective. Someone has DIED. People are upset, emotional and maybe not thinking perfectly straight. Still you made this about you. Your selfish reaction is actually offensive.

Taken aback that the aunt wanted your husband to go into the funeral car. Who cares? That is what she wanted after her husband DIED. Where is your compassion and consideration for others. Who cares you had to drive on your own with the kids?

You wanted reserve seating? Give over. Someone DIED. They aren’t thinking about seating arrangements for perfectly capable and able family to be there.

Show up, be respectful, give your condolences, do out of your way to be kind and do what you can for her and then go home. That’s it.

DowntonFlabbie · 05/12/2024 16:33

Sounds like you were late if all the seats were filled when you got there. Normally you'd arrive early and sit behind the family.

Ellie1015 · 05/12/2024 16:37

Perfectly normal for close family in funeral cars and a couple of rows reserved at the front. Would be awkward to keep seats for you, sil and kids.

Presumably you werent far behind funeral cars? If so then likely seats were already filled when you arrive. Dh job is to be whatever his aunt and his parent who was sibling of the deceased need. Your job is to he there for dh.

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