Ex friend won’t let go

[BrightonFrock]

I dropped a long-term friend seven years ago. She’d always had a selfish streak, but was a good friend in many other ways, so I let certain things go. However, her behaviour just got worse and worse. I’d helped her through a really bad time, but just a few months later I lost two close relatives in quick succession and didn’t even get a “How are you coping?” text. I was mugged when we were on holiday; she complained I was ruining things by “going on about it”. The last straw was when she ranted at me and posted shit about me on Facebook for not inviting her on a reunion night with my old work colleagues, whom she’d never met. I’d just had enough.

It took three days before she tried to come crawling back. She’d left me a very breezy voicemail (you can, or at least you could, still do that when blocked) joking about our “little spat”. When she realised I wasn’t going to respond, she switched to approaching mutual friends and asking them to act as go-betweens.

As time went on, she didn’t stop trying and ended up approaching more and more distant connections. Many of these mutual friends have now deleted her, either because she was hassling them so much about me (one friend said she kept messaging even when he said he was in the final days of writing his thesis) or because of her bizarre behaviour in general. This has been a blessing for me as she has fewer and fewer ways to try to contact me - but to be honest, I had hoped time would have resolved the issue anyway.

But apparently not. I was away with some friends at the weekend and her name came up in conversation. One of my friends said, “Oh, that reminds me - she messaged me asking about you the other day”. My heart sank. Apparently she’d sent my friend a picture of the two of us together that she’d come across the other day, and wanted to pass it on to me 🙄 My friend didn’t respond to her.

Am I alone in thinking this is getting quite creepy now? It’s been SEVEN YEARS. I can understand her thinking for a few weeks, or even months, that she might be able to put things right, but to still be chasing people for information on me years later? It’s deranged. Why would I want a copy of a picture of myself with someone I have actively avoided contacting for seven years? If a former romantic partner did this, people would be genuinely concerned.

I don’t really know if there’s anything I can do. It’s not like she’s threatened me or turned up at my house or place of work. I did consider writing to her to state that I never wanted her to contact me ever again or to chase mutual friends about me, but I get the feeling that any contact would be seen as encouragement to engage. Do I just wait and hope she finally pisses off everyone who even vaguely connects us?!

I don’t even know if there’s a solution. I think I just need some reassurance that I’m not overreacting to be creeped out by this!!

OP, your friend is fucking nuts and anybody who is trying to claim this is your fault and that your friend was entitled to closure is equally nuts.

It's clear from your post that your ex-friend knew exactly why you'd blocked her - you'd openly had a massive row where she'd ranted about you publicly. Blocking someone after a big row and then refusing to acknowledge their attempts to get back in touch isn't 'ghosting' and anyone who says that is, frankly, as weird, entitled and crazy as your ex-friend.

Even if you HAD treated her badly, which you didn't, she would still be fucking nuts to be obsessing over this seven years later. She is fully aware that you want nothing to do with her and she isn't respecting that boundary.

Mumsnet seems to be full of people who think they are owed 'closure' and 'justification' by friends who don't want to see them any more, but in reality, nobody is owed those things. Everyone is fully entitled not to see or speak to someone they don't want to see or speak to, for whatever reason, and when someone has made it obvious that they don't want to see or speak to them, they need to get a grip, accept it and move on, even if its hurtful.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong here, OP.

She is being stalked, it is not about frequency, it's the actions she is taking, the length of time it has been, the sheer lack of respect, the sheer lack of responsibility, the performing of acts of control, the manipulation and she is still going on.

She knows how to get under peoples skin, she is a master of this. She no more wants OP as a friend then fly through the air, she wants an audience to entertain her while she fiddles about in her life and with her emotions.

This is a seriously fucked up situation, the ex friend is capable of anything she is an ace manipulator and she is enjoying herself still pulling strings. Why don't people see that this is manipulative pisspoor behaviour?

The most fucked up thing about it here though are the amount of people who have no understanding of how awful these situations are, how it affects the lives of those being subjected to it and feel free to take the OP to task over it like she invited this behaviour from the first instance.

It's an utter disgrace that anyone expects the OP to feel bad for someone trying to make her a plaything.

Stalking has no time frame, stalking is a hunting behaviour and it is performed by predators who enjoy it.

How am I unhinged? I really don’t think it’s unusual to want to be left alone rather than pestered for years. As for “You aren’t interested in people trying to explain what her reactions are driven from” - did I ever a
say I was? I’ve never asked whether you or anyone else thought I’d done the right thing here. It’s about how I deal with it now.

Your comments on other posts about how “emotional” I am about it all are reductive and unhelpful. It’s a “hysterical woman” type narrative.

Op, the woman is a pest. You made it clear 7 years ago that you wanted nothing more to do with her. I can understand her trying to reconcile once but she seems driven to repeatedly try and get in touch which is quite frankly, harassment.

I don't buy all this mental health nonsense and just think her ego is so large that she cannot stand to think she's been dumped.

I’ve never said you are a hysterical woman (nor would I say anything like that).

Things like this make me think you are a bit unhinged:
why is this all about HER needs? Maybe I realised it was time to put MY needs first

Personally I think there’s probably another side /more to it.

Regardless in answer to your question - you have four options, 1. Go back to her nicely and ask her to stop, 2. Ignore, 3. Ask friends not to pass on (not sure why you’ve not done this), 4. Try and send some form of legal letter to ask her to cease.

Personally I would be doing 1 and 3.

You seem to know a lot about the situation for a stranger on the internet?

According to the police stalking may include:

• regularly following someone
• repeatedly going to their home
• checking someone’s internet use, email etc
• hanging around where they know that person visits
• interfering with their property
• watching or spying on someone
• identity theft

Above needs to have happened more than once.

Unless we are missing information it’s not stalking.

It is sounding like a hysterical woman narrative, you are quite right there OP. The number of posters on here who are doing the be kind/think of her needs crap are unreal.

I don't honestly know what to suggest you do from here, if she hasn't got the message after 7 years and being rebuffed and blocked by others she has tried to use as flying monkeys I don't think she ever will. If you open up contact to tell her to leave you alone she will see it as a way in and even if you block her again immediately afterwards she will just up the ante with your friends again.

As useless as it sounds I would just carry on as you are, don't stir the pot.

I've had 25 years of stalking by a woman to date and 5 years from a man quite seperately from each other. Both knew exactly why I ended the relationships, neither thought anything I said mattered.

I know the legal definition of stalking, thank you, I've had to call the police previously on both the man and the woman. They told me they couldn't do anything despite physical violence via the actions of both.

Legal definitions are not the bee all and end all. Stalking behaviour goes much further than that short list, Staffordshire Police have a more informative page on stalking under the heading What Does a Stalker Do.

https://www.staffordshire.police.uk/police-forces/staffordshire-police/areas/staffordshire-police/campaigns/2021/letstalkstalking/

So when i read trite crap like how to clear it up in the sensible normal people way, I know it's utter bollocks for people like this who are not normal.

Now I have explained why I am invested in this thread, perhaps you would like to explain why you are invested as well?

I’d hate this OP so I can sympathise. It happened to me as well when I was younger than I am now so had less like experience to deal with it

I wouldn’t like this situation. Just thinking maybe you could buy the single of

The Hollies ‘I Can’t Let Go’ next time she comes round ! To see if she gets the message !

@BrightonFrock I get why you feel you didn't need to explain. She has form for being selfish and when finally she said vile things about you publicly on her FB page you had enough. Which is understandable. She's not 5 so I think she understands that publicly saying negative things about a "friend" is something that will end the friendship. Just continue doing what you're doing. I would go a step further and ask your friends to tell her that you have clearly stated that you don't wish to have any contact with her whatsoever.

I think the reason she keeps on trying is simply because she can't keep friends due to her behaviour so she keeps on reaching out to those who were once her friends.

“Oh no, I would NEVER say you’re behaving like a hysterical woman… but I do think saying you’d put your own needs first makes you unhinged”.

🙄🙄🙄

3. Ask friends not to pass on (not sure why you’ve not done this)

My friends do not engage with her on this subject or pass on “Brighton doesn’t want to see you” messages, because that is a) how I want it and b) it’s unfair on them. I don’t ask them not to tell me at all because that isn’t solving anything; I want to know if she’s still trying. It’s important to be in full possession of the facts.

I’m not invested… you and the OP keep replying to my directly so I am responding. I never started speaking to you - you tagged me and wrote a comment.

Im sorry about your experience and understand it might make you very aware. In this case which is an old friend periodically coming out the woodwork to send a message to other friends and share pics I really don’t think it’s stalking. It’s not even to the OP and she hasn’t asked the friends to tell the person to stop or not pass on the messages. So it’s not even officially ‘unwanted’.

I get you want the facts but you need to tell your friends to ask her not to message about you and say if she does not to pass on. Otherwise you are still engaging in some form.

P.s it’s all the capitals for me that makes it seem unhinged + your outrage and lack of empathy

It’s not even to the OP and she hasn’t asked the friends to tell the person to stop or not pass on the messages. So it’s not even officially ‘unwanted’.

She doesn’t know I know.

@PlacidPenelope 'If you open up contact to tell her to leave you alone she will see it as a way in and even if you block her again immediately afterwards she will just up the ante with your friends again.
As useless as it sounds I would just carry on as you are, don't stir the pot.'

I agree. Isn't it Gavin de Becker in 'The Gift of Fear' who says that if you ignore someone nine times & then you respond to them the tenth time they try to contact you, they've simply learnt they need to contact you ten times in order to get a response?

I have used capitals for emphasis where necessary. It’s a well known convention of written English.

As for “empathy”, I think it’s pretty natural to feel no empathy towards someone who’s been refusing to hear you say “No” for several years.

I’m not invested… you and the OP keep replying to my directly so I am responding.

You’re invested enough to keep steadfastly defending the behaviour of someone you don’t even know. To tell me it’s all my fault that she won’t leave me alone and that she’s better off without me anyway.

You are entitled to express your opinion and others are entitled to challenge your opinion and express theirs, this is a public forum.

@arcticpandas 'I think the reason she keeps on trying is simply because she can't keep friends due to her behaviour so she keeps on reaching out to those who were once her friends.'

Yes, it's been my experience that people like this move on from one person to another. Respite for their target/victim comes when they find someone else to latch onto. She presumably hasn't found anyone else to permanently fill the role she needs filled in her life.

It probably is .

Perhaps she thought after 7 years, the dust has well and truly settled and you might be feeling more receptive. You're not, and that's fine - just ignore.

I find the arguments of some of the posters on here arguing with the OP quite bizarre tbh. And then when she responded to defend her position - forcefully but completely reasonably - she was called 'unhinged'. Absolutely no evidence of this based on her posts.

I think it is bizarre to suggest that the OP now owes any explanation, let alone empathy or 'be kind' to someone who in OP's words 'ranted at me and posted shit about me on Facebook for not inviting her on a reunion night with my old work colleagues, whom she’d never met.' I personally wouldn't waste any empathy or kindness on a person like this either. Pearls before swine and all that.

And to those who suggest that this is not stalking.....can you not accept that stalking (like any undesirable behaviour) is on a spectrum? No it is certainly not the worst case of stalking I have ever heard of but I think trying to contact a person and hassle her friends to make contact - after 7 years no contact - likely qualifies.

FWIW I have been unceremoniously dumped in the past by people I considered to be good friends. My reaction: 'That wasn't very nice and I feel sad. Never mind I will find solace in my remaining friends and get on with my life'. I thought that was what most sane people do.

I’m not invested so I won’t bother responding any more!

FWIW I wrote about her being better off without you after you were pretty horrible to another poster Benny B for sending flowers to a friend to try and make up. You called her creepy which seemed unwarranted and bizarre.

There’s always two sides and we won’t know the middle!

FWIW I wrote about her being better off without you after you were pretty horrible to another poster Benny B for sending flowers to a friend to try and make up. You called her creepy which seemed unwarranted and bizarre.

I wasn’t horrible at all. I asked if she saw how it could come across as creepy. I’m someone who is actually in the position her friend is in - surely advice from someone who’s actually going through it should be useful?