Ex friend won’t let go

[BrightonFrock]

I dropped a long-term friend seven years ago. She’d always had a selfish streak, but was a good friend in many other ways, so I let certain things go. However, her behaviour just got worse and worse. I’d helped her through a really bad time, but just a few months later I lost two close relatives in quick succession and didn’t even get a “How are you coping?” text. I was mugged when we were on holiday; she complained I was ruining things by “going on about it”. The last straw was when she ranted at me and posted shit about me on Facebook for not inviting her on a reunion night with my old work colleagues, whom she’d never met. I’d just had enough.

It took three days before she tried to come crawling back. She’d left me a very breezy voicemail (you can, or at least you could, still do that when blocked) joking about our “little spat”. When she realised I wasn’t going to respond, she switched to approaching mutual friends and asking them to act as go-betweens.

As time went on, she didn’t stop trying and ended up approaching more and more distant connections. Many of these mutual friends have now deleted her, either because she was hassling them so much about me (one friend said she kept messaging even when he said he was in the final days of writing his thesis) or because of her bizarre behaviour in general. This has been a blessing for me as she has fewer and fewer ways to try to contact me - but to be honest, I had hoped time would have resolved the issue anyway.

But apparently not. I was away with some friends at the weekend and her name came up in conversation. One of my friends said, “Oh, that reminds me - she messaged me asking about you the other day”. My heart sank. Apparently she’d sent my friend a picture of the two of us together that she’d come across the other day, and wanted to pass it on to me 🙄 My friend didn’t respond to her.

Am I alone in thinking this is getting quite creepy now? It’s been SEVEN YEARS. I can understand her thinking for a few weeks, or even months, that she might be able to put things right, but to still be chasing people for information on me years later? It’s deranged. Why would I want a copy of a picture of myself with someone I have actively avoided contacting for seven years? If a former romantic partner did this, people would be genuinely concerned.

I don’t really know if there’s anything I can do. It’s not like she’s threatened me or turned up at my house or place of work. I did consider writing to her to state that I never wanted her to contact me ever again or to chase mutual friends about me, but I get the feeling that any contact would be seen as encouragement to engage. Do I just wait and hope she finally pisses off everyone who even vaguely connects us?!

I don’t even know if there’s a solution. I think I just need some reassurance that I’m not overreacting to be creeped out by this!!

Dangerous , leave well alone.

Why bother posting on the thread then if you couldn't be bothered to read the OP?

Sorry but you cut her off and ghosted her without doing the mature thing and telling her exactly the reasons why. Any decent friend would sit down and lay the cards on the table, so I don't think you can play the complete angel here. OK so it should have been obvious to her why, but maybe it wasn't and a little face to face chat was what she needed. You didn't give her closure. You just cut her friendship off so now she's obsessing over it. You owe her a chat in my view. Give her that closure and then hopefully she will be able to move on.

The OP owes no one an explanation.

There is a seemingly unending stream of people who are told what they have done quite clearly and still won't grasp that it is them that caused the problem. You can tell them until you are blue in the face, they just won't accept they are at fault. Then they decide that enough time has passed you must have got over your own little spat by now, after all it's you who is at fault because they will not accept responsibility for anything, they always behave perfectly.

No sane person tells a victim to respond to their stalker, this situation is not dissimilar to stalking, it's more low key bit it is still a constant intrusion in your life.

Trying to get in contact after 7 weeks or 7 months is fine, still doing it 7 years despite radio silence is just fucking creepy. The OP is well rid and needs not explain further.

I think it is now about just getting her way - it is the determination to provoke a response because she doesn't like being ignored. Whether she understood the reason properly at the beginning - she should have got the message by now. She has got the message she just doesn't like it.

I think ghosting an old friend is horrible behaviour and denies your friend any reason or justification or closure. It is borderline cruel. She is probably oblivious to what she did, so I think you should have told her why she had alienated you and told her that you didn't want to continue the friendship. Having been on the receiving end of similar from an old friend, my sympathy is with her. When my dearest, oldest friend cut me off, with no explanation, I sent flowers and cards for a year or so ( she lives abroad), with no response. Mutual friends have tried to talk to her, especially when I lost my mother recently, but she is not interested. I was there for her through thick and thin, I supported her when her marriage broke down, but she did not think it worth her while telling me that she did not want to know me anymore. It is selfish, cold behaviour.

She didn't ghost her, they had an argument.

It’s possible that the ex friend didn’t realise that she was going to be dropped forever as a result of the Facebook rant. It’s easy to not know how long to keep trying to make contact.

However seven years is long enough to make it clear that it is permanent.

I wasn’t aware I was working to a character limit. Or writing for your entertainment.

How rude and unhelpful!

I don’t want to be unkind, but can you really not see that sending flowers and cards and even getting mutual friends to play go-between could come across as quite creepy? I’m sorry your friend dropped you, and obviously I don’t know why, but if you’d publicly ranted about what a terrible friend she was, as my ex friend did, are you really saying you wouldn’t know why?

For the record, when she posted the Facebook rant I ignored it. When she realised I wasn’t going to beg for forgiveness for not inviting her out, or even give any reaction, she sent a ranting message telling me that if I was going to treat her like a cunt, she was going to act like one, and not to come crying to her if I ever had a problem. I really don’t see why I would “owe” her any kind of explanation after that.

I think ghosting an old friend is horrible behaviour and denies your friend any reason or justification or closure.

Also, I don’t need to justify it.

Obviously, our situations are different but I had understood the similarity to be that you had ghosted her. If you made it clear why you want nothing to do with her, fair enough. But no, sending my friend flowers and cards after she ghosted me was not creepy. She was going through a terrible time as her husband had left her and I thought that letting her know I care and was there when she was ready was a loving thing to do. Not creepy at all. But that was 6 years ago and she did not respond, so I did not persist. I did not ask mutual friends to contact her, they did it independently. Since they had known us both for several decades, they all knew how hurt I was and how unreasonable she was being, so they tried to fix it by talking to her. She was not receptive. In the end, we both lose because we had years of close friendship and she benefitted as much, if not more, from it than I did. She has sadly become bitter and unable to give anything of herself to anyone else - her sisters have said this to me. I blame her husband for hurting her so badly but I am the one who caught the flak. I did nothing to her, I did not rant on facebook, or anything like this.

Well, you were never her friend then.

Look, I’m sorry your friend dropped you. I understand that it must have been very distressing. But you are letting that massively colour your assessment of my situation. Airily declaring “You were never her friend then” - utter bollocks. I got her through the toughest times of her life, with zero reciprocation. Claiming she was “probably oblivious” to what she had done is just absurd. Who rants at someone about not being invited on a night out, bitches about it on Facebook the next day, but then pleads bewilderment when they find themselves blocked? I get that she might think it was unjustified, but it doesn’t take much to see a correlation.

In the end, we both lose because we had years of close friendship and she benefitted as much, if not more, from it than I did. She has sadly become bitter and unable to give anything of herself to anyone else

If this is what you need to tell yourself, fine - do it. But honestly, I think you would be much happier if you just accepted she decided she didn’t want you in her life and moved on. We all like the idea that karma will intervene; it’s easier for you in this case to think that she’s bitter and twisted and would have been much happier if you’d stayed in her life. Reality isn’t like that. Maybe you are a good person and she isn’t - well, unfortunately not all bad people get punished. Sometimes Prince Charming marries the Ugly Sister; sometimes the magic beans are actually just beans and you got conned out of your cow. There’s no joy in fooling yourself that the universe will all sort it out, and that you’ll get the explanation or “justification” you think you deserve.

I think you misunderstand me. I’m not wishing her ill or telling myself stories about how her life ended up. I’m reporting what her sisters have told me. It makes me sad that she’s become so angry at the world, including people who love her, because of what one man did to her.

I do think I deserved an explanation because friendship is a commitment and a bond between two people that is not tossed away lightly, if it’s real. I’m not hanging on to this anymore - I moved on years ago, but I still remember the pain of it and it did hurt again when she ignored my mothers death. It’s obvious she doesn’t want me in her life. But I really only brought it up here to show you the other side of things. However from your replies it doesn’t seem like you and your friend had such a strong bond to start with. Perhaps there’s no equivalence at all, in which case I withdraw my comment and you owe her nothing.

I do think I deserved an explanation because friendship is a commitment and a bond between two people that is not tossed away lightly, if it’s real.

But if, after seven years, you still hadn’t had that explanation, wouldn’t you accept it wasn’t coming and move on?

Yes, I did move on and so should your friend. That she persists must mean she has very little else in her life to fill the gap. I am not saying you should be her friend again but perhaps it is appropriate to feel sorry for her rather than call her "creepy" etc. I don't think you handled it the best way back then but by now its time for everyone to call it quits, what is done is done.

Reflecting on my own situation now, if my friend turned up again and wanted to make amends, she would have to work very hard to regain my trust. Once bitten, twice shy, as they say. Maybe your friend is just a glutton for punishment (or really, really regrets what she did). I don't know.

I completely agree with @BennyBee. You absolutely do owe her an explanation and you clearly weren’t a friend at all if you won’t give that.

It’s another human on the other side who has real feelings. You acting cold and uncaring has brought this on.

I don’t think @BennyBee sounds creepy either, it’s an old dear friend and with no explanation she is trying to apologise for whatever she might have done! Along with showing that she cares enough about the friendship to want to fix it.

The other person is better off without you OP but unfortunately your actions have meant they won’t receive closure for the loss so will always be left feeling like they need to make amends.

If she wanted to apologise she could have done that via a letter, email or other message it doesn't need a discussion. The time to say sorry has long since past. This ex friend very likely knows why the op isn't talking to her she just wants to force the op into her bidding again

She is stalking and it is about being in control about being seen as right all along and the opportunity to make more mischief in other people's lives.

People who won't let things lie who low level stalk are not like you and me. They need to fiddle about with people's emotions and they have a desperate need to win.

If this was an ex partner of either sex no one would be sticking up for them. An ex friend who keeps on and on is just as bad. It is stalking behaviour and that has nothing to do with friendship and everything to do with control. It is indefensible behaviour.

I don't think you handled it the best way back then

What DO you think would have been the best way to handle being publicly slagged off and then told “If you’re going to treat me like a cunt, I’ll act like one”?

If this was an ex partner of either sex no one would be sticking up for them. An ex friend who keeps on and on is just as bad.

Yes!! Precisely this!!

If I’d posted that my partner had thrown a strop that I’d gone out with former colleagues without him and then publicly slagged me off for doing so, I’d have been unanimously told to ditch the controlling arse. Apparently some people would think it’s okay in a friendship for some reason…

But what explanation could she possibly need? If you berate someone for not inviting you to an event nobody would realistically ever have invited you to attend, then take it public when you don’t get the response you want, and then send abusive messages because the person you’ve been slagging off doesn’t jump to beg for forgiveness - is it really a surprise that you find yourself blocked? Surely anyone with half a brain would be able to join the dots here?

Ex friend is many things, but thick is not one of them. Trust me, she is not sitting there wailing “But whyyyyy? I don’t understaaaaand!” This idea that it somehow all came out of the blue to her is something you and a couple of other posters have dreamt up.

I had this a few years ago.
Friend from late teenage years.. lots of memories, mutual friends, party times, but as time wore on a just realised she was contrilolling, selfish and used me.
After one particular incident of Cuntfuckery that involved her thinking I was her own personal chauffeur, I asked her to cover some fuel costs and she went berserk. We had an argument and i decided there and then that i didn't want her in my life. She slagged me off on SM, to mutual friends etc.
Like your situation she came slithering back when she realised that I meant it and that I'd cut her off.
She wouldn't accept that I had had enough and dropped her even though I told her and had good cause.

She couldn't stand it. I now realise that this was all about control And I was now dictating the terms (end) of our friendship.

For 2 years she tried to get me back. She even turned up at my grandma's house! It was insane. She did eventually give up but it's just weird behaviour. I just found her desperation embarrassing.

I think she lives in hope one day you'll feel like you want to be friends again...
I wouldn't contact her. Just repeat to mutual friends that you are not wanting to be involved with her.