Ex friend won’t let go

[BrightonFrock]

I dropped a long-term friend seven years ago. She’d always had a selfish streak, but was a good friend in many other ways, so I let certain things go. However, her behaviour just got worse and worse. I’d helped her through a really bad time, but just a few months later I lost two close relatives in quick succession and didn’t even get a “How are you coping?” text. I was mugged when we were on holiday; she complained I was ruining things by “going on about it”. The last straw was when she ranted at me and posted shit about me on Facebook for not inviting her on a reunion night with my old work colleagues, whom she’d never met. I’d just had enough.

It took three days before she tried to come crawling back. She’d left me a very breezy voicemail (you can, or at least you could, still do that when blocked) joking about our “little spat”. When she realised I wasn’t going to respond, she switched to approaching mutual friends and asking them to act as go-betweens.

As time went on, she didn’t stop trying and ended up approaching more and more distant connections. Many of these mutual friends have now deleted her, either because she was hassling them so much about me (one friend said she kept messaging even when he said he was in the final days of writing his thesis) or because of her bizarre behaviour in general. This has been a blessing for me as she has fewer and fewer ways to try to contact me - but to be honest, I had hoped time would have resolved the issue anyway.

But apparently not. I was away with some friends at the weekend and her name came up in conversation. One of my friends said, “Oh, that reminds me - she messaged me asking about you the other day”. My heart sank. Apparently she’d sent my friend a picture of the two of us together that she’d come across the other day, and wanted to pass it on to me 🙄 My friend didn’t respond to her.

Am I alone in thinking this is getting quite creepy now? It’s been SEVEN YEARS. I can understand her thinking for a few weeks, or even months, that she might be able to put things right, but to still be chasing people for information on me years later? It’s deranged. Why would I want a copy of a picture of myself with someone I have actively avoided contacting for seven years? If a former romantic partner did this, people would be genuinely concerned.

I don’t really know if there’s anything I can do. It’s not like she’s threatened me or turned up at my house or place of work. I did consider writing to her to state that I never wanted her to contact me ever again or to chase mutual friends about me, but I get the feeling that any contact would be seen as encouragement to engage. Do I just wait and hope she finally pisses off everyone who even vaguely connects us?!

I don’t even know if there’s a solution. I think I just need some reassurance that I’m not overreacting to be creeped out by this!!

I don’t think it’s creepy, she is just reaching out wanting to still be friends. Unless you want to contact her one last time to make it very clear that you will never be friends again then the only thing you can control is how you feel about it. It’s just her reaching out which isn’t a bad thing to do, just ignore it and say to your friends that you don’t want to ever discuss her again. What else can you do.

It’s just her reaching out which isn’t a bad thing to do

Even after seven years?

How many times do you have to tell someone you are no longer friends?

I told my personal stalker in no uncertain terms she was no longer a friend and not welcome dozens of times but she will not respect my wishes and I have to restrict my life to avoid her.

Someone who is doing this for 7 years will not respect the ops boundaries whatever she says or does. So why does she have to accept stalking for 7 years. No one has adequately explained that.

Why would anyone want to be someone else's emotional plaything? Why does someone who treats people like crap and will not respect their friend deserve more headspace and explanations than she already has? No one deserves a public drubbing and coercive control. It beggars belief that people are sticking up for people who do that.

I told my personal stalker in no uncertain terms she was no longer a friend and not welcome dozens of times

Unless I have misunderstood I think this is where your story differs from OPs, who did not have that clear discussion with her erstwhile friend

Again - what is it that a discussion could add at this stage?

She left me voicemails - I didn’t respond. She emailed me (before I worked out how to block her - AOL do NOT make it easy) - I ignored them. She sent messages via at least six different mutual friends - not once have I replied. And this is over a period of seven years. In what world could it still be unclear?

I don't think it would add much at this stage, and I'm sure she understands after 7 years that you do not wish to be in contact with her. I think she should stop trying.

I also think it would have been both courteous and politic for you to make a clear statement at the start.

Surely the row was enough let alone the 7 years of radio silence. Even with amnesia surely it's been long enough to move on.

The difference in op and my story is that mine physically turned up at my door dozens of times and called my places of work as well as passing on messages.

I've had arguments with people, contacted them to apologise and talk it through, on occasions where they haven't wanted to I've respected their wishes that's what normal people do.

She's unhinged. I would write her a cease and desist letter.

Brenda, I terminated our friendship seven years ago and have ignored your repeated attempts to get other people to contact me on your behalf.

I've recently been made aware that you wanted to pass on a photo to me.

This has got to stop and you need to accept closure of the friendship and move on.

Please do not contact anyone with a view to trying to get back in touch with me or try and contact me by any means.

I can only say what I would have done but I realise that there are high emotions involved in arguments, so perhaps I might not have handled as well as I might like either. But after her rant on facebook I might have waited a few days and then sent a message asking if she’d calmed down and wanted to talk. I might have tried to explain why she was left out of the outing. If she remained angry, I would tell her that she knew where I was when she wanted to be more reasonable. Tbh, it all sounds like a petty spat and any good friends would have resolved it quickly. I’m guessing you wanted shot of her before it all happened (why didn’t you invite her out?) and her angry/hurt outburst gave you a reason to cut your ties without having to have the awkward conversation. I always think ghosting is the cowardly way out.

@BennyBee OP has explained why she didn't invite her. Use 'See all' to see only the OP's posts. It sounded completely sensible & nothing for anyone to get upset about like the ex-friend did.

I'm in favour of ghosting when a relationship becomes toxic. It avoids stress & people should take the hint. Anyone who hasn't taken the hint after SEVEN YEARS has something seriously wrong with them.

I did this and when the mutual friend mentioned her I repeated it and withdrew from their friendship. Just say - god I haven’t seen her in a decade she got a bit stalker like so please don’t pass anything on

I'm in favour of ghosting when a relationship becomes toxic. It avoids stress & people should take the hint.

It avoids stress for you. The person on the receiving end is adrift and if it is a real friendship, heartbroken.

I've been on the receiving end and also witnessed the impact. The honest thing is to admit to yourself that only one that walks away unscathed is the person doing the ghosting. If you are taking that step be brave enough to own it, even if just to yourself.

I might have tried to explain why she was left out of the outing. If she remained angry, I would tell her that she knew where I was when she wanted to be more reasonable. Tbh, it all sounds like a petty spat and any good friends would have resolved it quickly. I’m guessing you wanted shot of her before it all happened (why didn’t you invite her out?) and her angry/hurt outburst gave you a reason to cut your ties without having to have the awkward conversation. I always think ghosting is the cowardly way out.

Did you even read my first post? It’s all in there. If not, why are you even commenting?

I didn’t invite her because it was a reunion night with old colleagues. She isn’t an old colleague. I didn’t invite her for the same reason I didn’t invite my partner, my mother or old school friends. It’s unhinged for an adult woman to become abusive because she wasn’t invited to join a reunion when she never had any kind of union with them in the first place.

@AngharadM Obviously it reduces stress for me & I've no idea how the other person feels. Someone's behaviour has to be pretty disordered for me to take the step of walking away, & at that point I'm protecting myself. It isn't always easy, either. There's still stress or guilt or whatever (depepnding on the previous relationship) but once it's worth getting out, I have to go.

Perhaps the other person is upset, but that doesn't mean they're in the right. A narcissist can be upset at 'losing their chew toy' as it's often put - their emotional punchbag, their source of N supply. A CF can be upset at losing their financial source. Someone who's been leaning on you too hard to fill some unfillable void in themselves will still have that void. Or it could just be that things change & people move on.

Thinking about it, I was once ghosted by someone. We'd had some laughs together & it had been nice; then her circumstances changed & off she went. I sent one card to keep in touch, she never got back to me & that's it. No need for dramatics & stalking. I wish her well, & I'm grateful for the times we had together.

My mother was like this with people OP. It was because she had a serious personality disorder (paranoid personality disorder) and couldn't stand the idea of "her" friends going elsewhere. She also knew full well what had happened between her and these other people, but thought that she could reel them back in because she wanted them around. She was actually delusional. My advice is to just keep avoiding this woman OP.

Having said that, the only way anyone fully got rid of my mother was to have one massive blazing argument with her so she could be wronged and spread it about that the other person was so terrible, so there's always that option. 🤣

My mother once turned up at someone's house who had thrown her out 3 years earlier, and this time my mother had bought her a star. The poor woman didn't know what to do and my mother sat outside her house until she answered the door and told her in no uncertain terms to fuck off. Then my mother was able to say to anyone who would listen that poor "Helen" was so troubled and needed counselling because this incident had happened.

My mother was like this with people OP. It was because she had a serious personality disorder (paranoid personality disorder) and couldn't stand the idea of "her" friends going elsewhere.

I wonder if a similar thing is at play with my ex-friend. This wasn’t the only time she’d been unhappy at my doing something without her. She’d wanted to meet up once and I said I could only do the daytime as I was going to a 30th birthday in the evening. She later found out from Facebook that it was a friend’s birthday (not a family member as she’d assumed) and said she was “really hurt” not to be invited. She’d met this friend of mine a grand total of twice.

If it were me I would have said to her originally; ‘I’m sorry you were disappointed/upset but it was a work/college reunion and so I couldn’t invite you as it was just for the people there originally. Hopefully, we can do something nice another time’

Then if she continued to go mad/put it on Facebook and I felt the need to end the friendship I would have explained that:

“I understand you are feeling left out but I couldn’t invite you to a work/college reunion as it would have been weird for everyone else and boring for you. I really don’t think I have done anything wrong here as I’m allowed to have a life outside you and can’t always invite you. I’m not going to accept being spoken to like that and especially the fact you’ve wrote stuff about me publicly. It’s not fair on me that you would make me feel like that and it’s no way to treat a friend. I hope you can understand for me there is no way of coming back from this and I don’t want to continue the friendship. Please don’t try to contact me as I’m not going to change my mind as it’s too far over the line. Take care.’

You explain why and it draws some finality - you aren’t leaving the other person feeling like that can make up for it once they’ve calmed down and forgotten. Remember in her head the anger at the time was justified as you left her out and made her feel bad (even if not justified).

Im not saying you’ve done anything wrong in ending the friendship. However, you seem a bit obsessed by the fact she’s still trying to get in contact. The reality is you left a chapter not finished for her and didn’t give her the answers she needed. If I were you I would message to give her closure and hopefully end it but it’s up to you.

However, you seem a bit obsessed by the fact she’s still trying to get in contact. The reality is you left a chapter not finished for her and didn’t give her the answers she needed.

How am I “obsessed”? And why is this all about HER needs? Maybe I realised it was time to put MY needs first and to stop giving into tantrums thrown by a grown woman.

I’m going on this thread where you come across slightly unhinged by the whole thing.

It’s just a picture being sent - who cares?

i guess that's probably the best you can expect. If any of them felt like passing on a message, tho, you could ask them to say - if she asks - that it's been 7 years and you want her to stop bugging your friends because they all get the same answer "I'm not interested"

according to OP there was a private moan that "friend" had not been invited to an event (ex workmates of OPs, nothing to do with "friend") and then had a public social media rant about it, then sent private messages saying "well i'll behave like a cunt then" - why ON EARTH would someone blocking you and never replying to your abusive message at that time, welcome you "reaching out" over the next 7 years.

How fucking unaware of your own cuntyness would you have to be to think "oh that @BrightonFrock ghosted me and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY"?

Gently. you are making it clear you don't understand what stalking does to people. It is a vile criminal activity on any level it affects people lives deeply and there is nothing anyone can do about it

There were two people in the friendship, the OP just happens to be the one here and for some reason people are taking it out on her incuding you. That is wholly unjustified. The ex friend could have apologised for her behaviour, for dragging the OP through the mud publically in front of friends on SM, she needed to make amends but did not do that. What's more exfriend should have made amends just after it happened is she was a proper friend, the exfriend had played her role too, why do you have such sympathy for her, she did nothing that suggests she understood her affect on the OP, she did not apologise, she did not try full stop, she just expected the OP to fall into line with her again.

You cannot reason with people like that, they don't have any reasoning ability.

I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing the OP could have done to have stopped this happening when she broke off her friendship. Nothing.

The OP could have sat her ex friend down, explained everything in very basic form, written a letter framed it and hung it on ex friends wall explaining how ex friend made her feel and why she can't be friends and the ex friend would take absolutely no notice at all. She has no respect for the OP.

It is not about the incident, it is about not being able to make the OP do what she wants any more. Stalking is about control, no one should be subjected to it for any reason at all.

If we can tell people they can leave their relationships for any reason at all with no explanation, why is the OP being treated like someone who shot a load of puppies in front of the primary school kids at playtime?

The OP is absolutely right to disengage, and she can do so in any way that makes her feel safe.

She spends years trying to contact me by any means possible, ignored the fact that I’ve made absolutely no response, and refuses to give up even though others have blocked her because they’re so fed up of her badgering them, and I’M the unhinged one?! What twisted idea of normality do you have?

Again, I don’t believe for a minute that you or anyone would be saying “Just a picture” if an ex-partner had sent it rather than an ex-friend. For some reason, when it’s a friend, people like you decide it’s sweet and that she’s “reaching out”, and that I should just “be kind”.

If it’s “just a picture” and nothing for anyone to be concerned about, why send it at all? Do YOU randomly send pictures to people who actively cut themselves out of your life seven years ago? Does anyone? She’s sent it for a reason - in the hope that it’ll somehow tug at my heartstrings and I’ll want to let bygones be bygones.

Do you know what I could have done if I’d wanted a picture of us together? I could have met up with her and taken one. You know how people who are actually in contact with one another do?

I didn’t say she wasn’t unhinged but on this thread to me you come across as slightly unhinged on this thread. I don’t know what you want people to say. You just want validation that her behaviour is creepy or obsessive. You aren’t interested in people trying to explain what her reactions are driven from.

Sure but she isn’t being stalked is she… it’s an old friend trying to get in touch once or twice a year from what she’s said through other friends who are choosing to pass the message on….

Nothing about this thread has screamed stalking to me. Based on how emotional the OP is about it all I suspect there’s also more to it.