Partner won’t stop drinking even though his sperm analysis is bad and I’ve had 3 miscarriages

[Jackie8787]

My partner and I have been trying to conceive for the last year. In that time, I’ve had 3 miscarriages. All of my tests so far have come back ok, although I am still very much aware that the issue could lie with me as there can be so many possible causes.
My partner has now had 2 sperm analysis a few months apart. The first one was after my 2nd miscarriage and the most recent analysis was after my 3rd miscarriage. Both results have come back with low morphology (< 1%) and the count/motility aren’t great either.
He’s always liked a drink and regularly has beers or wine on week nights and weekend. I asked him to cut down before we started trying as we are late thirties and I was aware that alcohol can affect fertility. He never did.
After my second miscarriage and his sperm analysis, I gently broached the subject again and asked if he would be willing to cut out alcohol completely and I would do the same (even though I hardly drink). He agreed but it lasted less than a week.
After my 3rd miscarriage and his second SA, I said we really need to try cutting out alcohol. I’ve always been careful never to blame him as we don’t know that his sperm is causing the miscarriages, but as we know sperm regenerates over 3 months, surely it has to be worth a try. Again, he said he would.
We’ve just had a huge argument because he’s still drinking most nights and asked me if he could have some wine tonight. I told him he knows my thoughts but he’s an adult so he needs to make that decision and he’s gone off at me saying that I’m not a dr and that I’m blaming him ‘fine, it’s all my fault etc’.
I don’t know what to do next, am I being unreasonable? I feel like if he cared about having a child as much as he makes out, then it wouldn’t be that hard to cut out alcohol just for a few months, especially after how traumatic the last miscarriage was.

He was probably telling the truth when he said he wanted a baby, but if he has a dependancy on alcohol it will feel more important to drink. Sorry OP but this doesn't look good even if you successfully carry a pregnancy. He needs to sort out his alcohol problem first and be sure that he wholeheartedly wants to start a family.

I don't know why you're trying to have a baby with an alcoholic.

Do you have any insights here?

@Jackie8787 I wasn’t expecting so many responses but have tried to respond to those messages from people who sound like they have been in a very similar situation and understand the context of my situation.
I expected opinions from both sides and have read them all but what do you expect me to reply to all the ‘leave him now’ posts? A picture of me packing my bags?

@Miloarmadillo2 do tell me where you got your crystal ball from?

I think they sell them on www.drunkdadtrauma.com

🙄

No one expects you to leave him tonight but the complete denial of any issues other than fertility is both infuriating and upsetting.

The vociferous posters on here are often the ones whose parents have made shitty decisions over and over saddling them with trauma they have to untangle their entire adult lives.

But that’s always trumped by ‘I really want a baby’ so posts like these will keep Mumsnet alive.

I’m not in denial, I have read every post and appreciate everyone who has responded and think they are all valid points.

I'm sorry you are struggling to have a baby but why would you want a baby with somebody with an alcohol problem who doesn't give a damn about his own health or doing what's best for the baby?

He wanted children until it required a little bit of sacrifice from him. I can just imagine what ‘dad’ he is going to be 🙄

He doesn't want a baby with you

You're not married and he's genetically sub-par with a drink dependency. Honestly, I would take your chance elsewhere or go it alone.

I know you are late 30s and are probably thinking Leia thoughts of him being your only hope, but if he's like this NOW do you honestly think he will step up to the responsibility of actually being a father?

I do like @KarmenPQZ's suggestion though, of saying you might have to use a donor.

Get them to check you for genetic clotting conditions. Might be in the family, you wouldn't necessarily know but it is a potential cause of recurrent miscarriage. If so you can take anticoagulants to prevent it so worth finding out.

That said, I would find a new partner, or even sperm donor, to have children with. This guy isn't worth what you're putting yourself through.

He will not listen to or respect your wishes.

He wants a drink more than he wants a baby, now.

If you do have a child imagine what he'll be like when you want him clear headed to do feeding, changing, driving.

And how he'll react when he wants a drink - but you're saying no. And the baby's screaming, the toddler's tantrumming, the teen's having a strop.

This is only going to get worse.

That's the thing with drinkers. It's a drug and the user needs it. Then more of it. Then it becomes their most important relationship.

Not so much a crystal ball, more a case of observation and memory.

I think he needs help to deal with his alcohol use. Because if it isn't tackled, it will get worse.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/

The “ he drinks but doesn’t get drunk” can actually be a massive red flag. Habitual drinkers develop tolerance so do not appear drunk even though their blood alcohol will be high.
In time their tolerance changes, possibly due to damage to organs, and just one or two drinks can make them really drunk. And ime nasty and violent.
He needs to tackle the cause of his drinking.
I’m sorry OP, it’s not what you want to hear, but if he can’t stop drinking then he has a problem.

I would say its never a good idea to think in absolutes (he will be a deadbeat dad because he drinks, or he will be fine because this posters partner was) but what is important is to look at this situation as a whole.

How has he communicated with you (and you with him) about an issue that is deeply important to you? How is he approaching something that is important to his health? (because his health would have a direct impact on a future child) and how is he handling dealing with a difference of opinion? (because they will 100% come with having a child).

Before you go ahead and have a child, think about the long term impact. If he isnt willing to stop drinking, does that say there is an alcohol issue? Or does is just say he is so stubborn he isnt willing to change? Because the latter is just as concerning because with children, change is often necessary and if you cant work things out as a team, there will be a lot of struggles ahead.

I would definitely look at this situation as something to consider before heading down a lifelong commitment with someone. Not only from the point of view of an alcohol issue, but also from the point of view of is this someone you can work with and work through obstacles with for the next 18 years. That throws plenty at you and it will be 100 times harder when every thing is a battle.

@Jackie8787

My DM was you.
Empty beer bottles lined up along the skirting board is one of the earliest childhood memories. I also remember getting a bus with mum and going to visit Dad somewhere - it was a beautiful park on a summer's day, I remember a water fountain and swans. I felt happy. (I now know that it was the grounds of a rehab facility that my dad was sectioned to)

My Dad actually was a good natured person - fun, easy going and loving. But he was also an alcoholic. Functional alcoholic until time and the addiction took their toll. I was too young to understand or feel the impact of his drinking - that burden was carried by my Mum.

My last memory of him is when I'm 7 years old. It's the Birthday evening for me and my twin Brother. Guests have left. My brother is crying and my Mum is rocking him on her lap like a baby whilst humming a lullaby through her own pain. It's our Dad - he didn't come home for our Birthday. He stayed out drinking somewhere. Mum is trying to be stoic, she's holding back the tears, she is attempting to conjure a reasonable explanation... She is also saying "I'm sorry" a lot.

Very soon after that Birthday, our Dad abandoned us completely, to have the rest of his life alone with alcohol. We never saw him again.

I know that the only thing my Mum would change in her life, is who she had her children with. She was mid-thirties, married and pregnant with twins.. It was then or never. The hardest choice. She had a cry and decided to hope that he'll straighten out his ways. But the alcohol took him. The fall-out and the two jobs to keep us afloat, took our Mum too. She is very sorry about the pain.

I wrote this⬆️ instead of a short, sharp response, as I do prickle when I see a woman trying to contort a functional beer alcoholic into a family man.
No matter what I think I could handle for myself, I'd do anything to avoid being my Mum on that Birthday night.

My DH was similar re the frequent drinking, he not a home drinker but had a very active social life pre kid. I never actually directly asked him to cut down as we both found TTC miserable enough but kinda hoped he would. Low morphology led to ivf with out first after two years of trying. It was expensive and relatively stressful.
Our first led to a farrr less active social life and he probably has a few beers once a week now - coincidentally I fell pregnant after 3 months of halfhearted trying naturally with our second when eldest was around 18 months, so really think it did make a difference and he has said a few times he regrets underestimating the impact of lifestyle on conception. Just a little real life story for you to drop into convo with him.
I also think diet for both of us made a difference. We were trying at first through Covid lockdown and eating like pigs

I’m 18 years into parenting three children. I’ve had 4 MC. I have spent wasted far too many hours over the years reading tales of woe on here.

The man who fathers your children is a big predictor of your future happiness. Life will throw all sorts of difficulties your way and you need someone who can withstand the pressure and remain a good partner. Think really hard about whether a selfish drinker is a good choice. He is showing you his true colours.

Thank you for all of your responses and sorry to hear some of the experiences you have gone through.
I have read every post and even the ones that are difficult to hear are all thoughts that have occurred to me before.
I suppose that’s why I did this post as it’s not something I’ve discussed with anyone in life outside of MN.
Lots to think about.

I remember reading ages ago an Irma Kurtz quote that said before asking someone to make a comittment, make a commitment to yourself. It took me a long time and a lot of heartbreak before I got what she meant

You want a baby. Which do you want most - a baby or your partner? Because that may be the choice. Personally at my advanced age I'd be telling him I was going for a sperm donor and he could sort himself out as he wished.

I think, on reflection, I agree with @anothermnuser123 above.

You say he is having a hard time dealing with these TTC difficulties and potentially having poor sperm quality . He is choosing to deal with this by drinking. THAT is a very bad sign for your future together because parenting is hard, marriage can be hard, life has a lot of ups and downs… and at the moment, you have a guy who deals with tough times by drinking. So if I were you, I would call a temporary halt to the TTC and have a think how to proceed. Maybe he needs a bit of counselling, maybe couples counselling and at least it would demonstrate that he is willing to try to find better ways of coping and work through issues as they arise.

You don’t want to be parenting with a man who can’t/won’t change or work on any problems that arise.

Best of luck!

I wouldn't try and conceive until he's sorted his drinking out to be honest, there is likely underlying reasons for it, people rarely drink that much because they "enjoy a drink", there must be something else going on in his mind that makes him feel he needs the escape that alcohol provides, people aren't very forgiving of drinkers but a lot of the time it is down to mental health and feeling the need to self medicate with alcohol, has he been treated for depression before?

Sorry, yes I meant aspirin! I was booked in to see the recurrent miscarriage clinic but it was cancelled due to covid and I got pg with DD the next month. I really believe it made all the difference. When I spoke to the doctor, they said I could have also got prescribed progesterone from the GP as there's evidence of reduced MC if you take it so might be worth going that route also.

So he knows his drinking is causing a problem, that he can’t control his intake and that he’s presumably a functional alcoholic 🤷🏼‍♀️
He certainly isn’t good father material, drink will always come first in his life. If he’s doing this now then it definitely won’t improve when there is a child in the family.
My BIL was/is like this and, believe me, it is not a pretty picture of a good marriage., his now adult children are screwed up because of the family dynamics caused by his drinking.

There are early studies linking paternal alcohol consumption to early miscarriage. Also the majority of early miscarriages are cased by chromosomal issues and drinking alcohol can reduce morphology and increase DNA damage and fragmentation so the fact OP has gotten pregnant 3 times doesn't mean the drinking isn't causing harm.

Men who drank ten or more drinks per week during preconception had a two to five times increased risk of spontaneous abortion9. Of particular note in this single study conducted with couples undergoing in vitro fertilization (IVF) or gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) is that live birth and spontaneous miscarriage were associated with alcohol consumption in the week before sperm collection. The effect size of this association was notably high, with an increased adjusted odds ratio of AOR 45.6 with an increase of one can of beer in the week prior to sperm collection, and AOR 38 with an increase of 12 grams of alcohol per day. These high adjusted odds ratios with small increases in alcohol consumption are indicative of the importance of biological fathers limiting alcohol intake during preconception.

https://www.connections.edu.au/researchfocus/fathers-and-alcohol-implications-preconception-pregnancy-infant-and-childhood-health#:~:text=Men%20who%20drank%20ten%20or,risk%20of%20spontaneous%20abortion9.