Partner won’t stop drinking even though his sperm analysis is bad and I’ve had 3 miscarriages

[Jackie8787]

My partner and I have been trying to conceive for the last year. In that time, I’ve had 3 miscarriages. All of my tests so far have come back ok, although I am still very much aware that the issue could lie with me as there can be so many possible causes.
My partner has now had 2 sperm analysis a few months apart. The first one was after my 2nd miscarriage and the most recent analysis was after my 3rd miscarriage. Both results have come back with low morphology (< 1%) and the count/motility aren’t great either.
He’s always liked a drink and regularly has beers or wine on week nights and weekend. I asked him to cut down before we started trying as we are late thirties and I was aware that alcohol can affect fertility. He never did.
After my second miscarriage and his sperm analysis, I gently broached the subject again and asked if he would be willing to cut out alcohol completely and I would do the same (even though I hardly drink). He agreed but it lasted less than a week.
After my 3rd miscarriage and his second SA, I said we really need to try cutting out alcohol. I’ve always been careful never to blame him as we don’t know that his sperm is causing the miscarriages, but as we know sperm regenerates over 3 months, surely it has to be worth a try. Again, he said he would.
We’ve just had a huge argument because he’s still drinking most nights and asked me if he could have some wine tonight. I told him he knows my thoughts but he’s an adult so he needs to make that decision and he’s gone off at me saying that I’m not a dr and that I’m blaming him ‘fine, it’s all my fault etc’.
I don’t know what to do next, am I being unreasonable? I feel like if he cared about having a child as much as he makes out, then it wouldn’t be that hard to cut out alcohol just for a few months, especially after how traumatic the last miscarriage was.

Dr Google says. However, although a father cannot cause fetal alcohol syndrome, their alcohol intake before conception can affect how an unborn baby develops. Alcohol can affect the health of a father's sperm and may even lead to changes on a genetic level that can influence how an unborn child develops

YABU to want a baby with a man who won’t stop drinking for a few weeks whilst you TTC.

What sort of father or support to you is he going to be.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sorry for your loses.

As someone's who had 10 miscarriages, the problem doesn't lie with him.
Your getting pregnant.
Try aspirin. I swear by it.

@Jackie8787 with his drinking as it is would you trust him to be responsible for your child? If he's drinking 4 / 5 beers 4 nights a week who do you think is going to be the primary parent, all the waling nights and stuck holding the baby? You need to consider if you really want to have a baby with someone who drinks regularly and heavily. Looking after a baby is stressful and tiring. It is hard enough with two fully functioning parents. The thing is everything changes when you have a baby. Things you would have tolerated before will become intolerable because your only aim is to protect your baby and shield them from harm.

On the baby making front. When we started our IVF journey we were told to stop drinking, smoking, to eat a healthier diet and to both take conceptions vitamins.

You've got a lot to think about. If I was you I'd really consider if this is the right relationship to bring a baby into.

Taking the focus off alcohol. Could you both improve diet and exercise

OMG! Do not have a baby with this man. There are far better specimens of manhood out there.

You'll be left to do all the parenting and he'll continue to use every excuse in the book to prioritise drinking and his own selfish desires above looking after you and a child.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd thank you for your reply.
I’ve never blamed him, I’ve always made sure that I’m not asking him to stop drinking because I believe his sperm is the problem, I’ve asked him to stop drinking because there is the potentia that it could be the problem, we know alcohol affects sperm quality, so why not cut it out completely and see if it makes a difference. I always give the many possible issues with me that could be causing the miscarriages such as egg quality which is more difficult to test and so many other reasons. I also point out to him like you say, that if I’ve got pregnant 3 times in the last year then i would be surprised if his sperm is the problem but we just don’t know so what do we have to lose by trying. I’m very much of the view that we are in this together and neither of us is to blame but it’s getting harder to stay calm when he’s showing no willing to cut out alcohol temporarily.
I’m not exaggerating how much he drinks but at the same time I don’t consider him an alcoholic, but I do think there is a low level alcohol dependency.
We have had quite a few tests on the nhs and are in the process of being referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic.
thank you for your advice xx

I’m so sorry for your MCs. My partner really struggled mentally with sperm test results and kind of stuck his head in the sand which is what your partner may be doing. I found it really hard and hurtful that he wasn’t great at doing simple things like taking vitamins (that I researched and ordered). I felt let down that he wouldn’t do everything in his power to try to prevent me going through any more MCs. However, as I said he found it hard to even think about as his results made him feel not like a man. I would try to avoid getting into a cycle where you feel you are nagging him. I don’t think it is necessary to completely give up alcohol either, cutting down could be enough - you could ask him what he thinks is reasonable and doable so he doesn’t feel he is being told what to do. There could be other things that he finds easier to implement such aa exercise, improvements to diet. On advice of fertility expert (obstetrician) my partner took Proxeed - and because it makes a tasty lemonade type drink he actually took it (when he’d failed 90% of time to take vitamin tablet…).
I think women talk about fertility struggles / MC much more so we accept it is common etc. My partner would say that none of his friends had issues and compared himself to them - I told him that they could well have had issues or it may have taken ages but you wouldn’t know! The lack of talking makes them feel worse though.
I would also say that even if we want something badly, it can be hard to make changes so I wouldn’t judge him too harshly for not being able to give up alcohol entirely.
To give you hope, we are now pregnant in spite of poor sperm test results!
wishing you luck

I would be interested to hear what his thoughts are on giving up alcohol completely for 9 months while you're pregnant since you can't drink, in solidarity.

I suspect if he was the one carrying the baby he would choose not to have one rather than give up drinking for 9 months - or worse, convince himself that drinking was okay because he was cutting back.

What happens when he can't drive you to the hospital when you're giving birth because he's over the limit? He will probably pout and argue and blame you somehow.

Then don't have a baby with him!!

Why are you intentionally procreating with a drunk, who will get 1000 x worse when you're saddled with his child?

You must have taken leave of your senses.

To address PP’s comment, it is now understood that 50% of miscarriages are due to sperm quality so the fact that you’ve got pregnant doesn’t mean his sperm isn’t the issue. The Proxeed supplement I mentioned is meant to help quality and quantity

Also, you may find he takes on board advice more easily if he hears it from someone else other than you..
good luck

He won’t give a specific reason it’s more ‘i just enjoy a beer’. When I’ve asked why he won’t stop just to see if it makes any difference, he gets annoyed and says ‘fine I won’t have one’ as if I’m being out of order. But then give it a few days and it’s back to it.

This is blunt OP but I do agree with @daisychain01 and I have some experience of alcoholics. Alcohol ruins marriages and it ruins lives.

@Jackie8787

You're clearly not addressing the clear lunacy of having a child with a man like this so just be prepared that you will end up doing everything.

I know it’s hard to hear. Your denial is understandable but just do it with your eyes open.

This in spades.

DH used to relax by having 2 or 3 glasses of wine every evening. And it used to really get my back up, because he'd be snoring on the sofa while I was getting up and dealing with the children. One night, we had to call an ambulance because he was too over the limit to drive our poorly baby with me into A & E (I was 2 weeks post section). When I came home 2 days later, I got the bottles of wine, poured them away and said if one more came into the house, we were done. And my god I meant it. He was decent enough to address it head on and he barely ever drinks these days.

His drinking is a problem without adding the stress of children. Stop TTC, and take a big step back so you can see the bigger picture. He either won't stop drinking or can't - and neither paint him in a good light.

The lack of insight and defensive response would worry me too. It really doesn’t sound like he is able to hold you in mind and is prioritising his drinking, regardless of the function this serves for him, it is still a selfish and ultimately unhelpful behaviour. I do think you need to be prepared to walk away OP.

Sorry I'm not addressing the point of your post but I just came on to recommend the Proceive Max Men supplements (they're a powdered vitamin you mix into water). My DH had similar levels to yours and they improved by double after using these (and cutting caffeine etc). I also had multiple mcs but we do now have a healthy child

@Onelifeonly22 thank you for your post. I think you are definitely right about him struggling with the results and burying his head in the sand. You are spot on with it making him feel less of a man, I know he took it really hard. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it both times he received his results but he doesn’t like to, so apart from telling him that it doesn’t necessarily mean his sperm is the cause of the miscarriages and that there is no blame either way, I try not to push him to talk about it.
I also try not to nag him too much about the alcohol, if he decides to have a drink I don’t mention it, it’s just when he asks me if he can have one (even though he’s had more than one for the last few nights), I ask him if he thinks it’s a good idea as we were supposed to be trying to stop for a while and then he turns it into an argument.
Our diet/exercise habits aren’t terrible but definitely something we can improve on and have agreed that we should do that - we need to put that into practice together.
I have heard about proxeed and will look into this, thank you. It’s such a minefield out there with all the different vitamins/supplements available.
Sorry you went through losses too, I’m glad to hear you are now pregnant and wish you the very best xx

He’s already a shit dad. He’s not willing to put you and a potential child above his own need to drink before they are conceived, he won’t put you before it when they arrive. Do you really want to be with this person

Thank you @Pancakewaffle, it’s good to hear that you saw a difference with proceive. I will look into those 😊
sorry for your losses and I’m glad that your story had a happy ending x

@Jackie8787 you are only responding to the minority saying it’s fine for your partner to carry on regardless (poor him, diddums, how terrible to be going through this) and ignoring the majority who are telling you the lack of regard and priority for your feelings and the health of his future child, quite apart from his excessive drinking, is a red flag.

@Miloarmadillo2

Just give it 18 months when she’s on here in a state with a partner whose boozing has escalated with stress of pregnancy and a newborn.

Fab. Just what another child needs.

Is he dependant on alcohol? I’d stop TTC until he cut back as he doesn’t seem overly bothered.