Partner won’t stop drinking even though his sperm analysis is bad and I’ve had 3 miscarriages

[Jackie8787]

My partner and I have been trying to conceive for the last year. In that time, I’ve had 3 miscarriages. All of my tests so far have come back ok, although I am still very much aware that the issue could lie with me as there can be so many possible causes.
My partner has now had 2 sperm analysis a few months apart. The first one was after my 2nd miscarriage and the most recent analysis was after my 3rd miscarriage. Both results have come back with low morphology (< 1%) and the count/motility aren’t great either.
He’s always liked a drink and regularly has beers or wine on week nights and weekend. I asked him to cut down before we started trying as we are late thirties and I was aware that alcohol can affect fertility. He never did.
After my second miscarriage and his sperm analysis, I gently broached the subject again and asked if he would be willing to cut out alcohol completely and I would do the same (even though I hardly drink). He agreed but it lasted less than a week.
After my 3rd miscarriage and his second SA, I said we really need to try cutting out alcohol. I’ve always been careful never to blame him as we don’t know that his sperm is causing the miscarriages, but as we know sperm regenerates over 3 months, surely it has to be worth a try. Again, he said he would.
We’ve just had a huge argument because he’s still drinking most nights and asked me if he could have some wine tonight. I told him he knows my thoughts but he’s an adult so he needs to make that decision and he’s gone off at me saying that I’m not a dr and that I’m blaming him ‘fine, it’s all my fault etc’.
I don’t know what to do next, am I being unreasonable? I feel like if he cared about having a child as much as he makes out, then it wouldn’t be that hard to cut out alcohol just for a few months, especially after how traumatic the last miscarriage was.

A man who won't stop drinking to conceive, won't stop drinking to parent. Overnights, driving around teens, going to school stuff, all you. And importantly, drinkers are emotionally absent. This affects children.

Think VERY carefully.

150mg of what?

Oh, I'm so sorry for your losses. And for the situation with your husband.

I was in a similar position in a previous relationship. Ultimately, my ex wouldn't listen to me or doctors and we ended up splitting up over it. (My ex was drinking a lot more than I realised, often we don't realise how much problem drinkers are actually consuming).

It is one of those situations where someone's actions speak louder than their words- and if they are still drinking and not making a decisive effort to help their health and your fertility, that speaks loudly about their priorities.

I joined AlAnon to get support when I was in this situation. You are told, you didn't cause it, you cant cure it, you can't control it.

I hope you can get some real life support too, OP. I know how heartbreaking it is to be kept in limbo by your partner in this situation.

I think some people are missing the point. It’s not the amount he drinks per se, it’s the fact that he won’t reduce it significantly or stop despite his wife asking him to do so for a very, very good reason. If you wanted kids, and thought it might help, wouldn’t you do that for a few months? It’s a small sacrifice to make. Even after three miscarriages he’s still unprepared to make changes that might improve their chances. It’s rank selfishness and doesn’t bode well for what comes after having a kid, which requires a lot of sacrifices.

This sums it up perfectly. Doesn't sound like he even wants a child

As we say in AA "you can have alcohol .... or you can have everything else."

Having married(and divorced) a child of an alcoholic father, I can tell you that the damage to the whole family runs deep.
Is this man you are choosing to be the father of your child/ren really going to be the best for them? He can't be arsed now so if you make that conscious choice, just why?

Take a break from TTC as it can mess with your head and you're not thinking straight. Then sit back and reassess your relationship.

That's a lot of alcohol.

I’m going to go against the grain.

You’ve only been ttc for a year. During that time you’ve had three miscarriage which goes without saying are going to take their toll.

But it’s clear that if you’ve managed to conceive three times in a year, when it takes the average couple a year to fall pregnant, then you’re not actually struggling to conceive, but that the issue is with you maintaining a pregnancy.

There can be so many reasons why that is the case, but it’s unlikely to be because he has a low sperm count. But infertility isn’t and never should be a blame game.

But you understandably want to lash out at someone and the fact he won’t stop drinking is a good reason for you to lash out at him.

You say he sometimes drinks five beers, but generally about a two. Be honest, how much are you exaggerating his drinking because you need someone to blame for the situation you’re in?

I wouldn’t consider someone who has a drink three/four nights a week to be an alcoholic. I’m guessing his sperm count isn’t that low if you’ve managed to get pregnant three times in less than a year.

Rather than focusing on that, I would be focusing on getting referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic so they can look into whether there are any issues which mean that you’re struggling to maintain a pregnancy.

PS: I am teetotal and I also ttc a second baby for six years.

Just because he wanted a child doesn't mean he still does. He could have wanted one for bad reasons. He could be scared. Now is the time to think about what you want. Do you want his child or a child? If he won't give up alcohol for a few months to give you a chance to conceive I wonder if he will give up anything for his child.

Quit whilst you're ahead. Don't be back here in 18 months saying you've got a young baby and your partner drinks and never helps out with the baby or round the house and what should I do.

And what happens after a baby is born? Will he cut his drinking down then?

Doesn't bode well.

Mc is often more womens age related. As in rates increase with female age but obviously there can be other causes for individuals.
Pcos or thyroid issues.
Are either of you overweight as thats not great for fertility either.

Its sad that men can resent gIving up alcohol for a very short time but womeb can have to throughout several pregnancies

It seems he's dependent on alcohol. He doesn't see or want to see the corralation between his health and your likelihood of conception.
Does he actually want a child? Would he be a good dad if he insists on drinking on a daily basis? You can ask/tell him to stop or cut down but I'd imagine if he's an addict he will still do it behind your back. If you can get him to stop drinking then you get pregnant, and as soon as you've conceived he's back on the booze?

Well he clearly prioritises alcohol over fatherhood.

On that basis, why would you have a baby with him?

Leave him and find someone who wants you and a family enough to make this happen. I know it feels like a gamble - what if you don’t find someone in time?

But what if you stay with him and never get pregnant - or get pregnant but he’s a POS who leaves everything to you because he’d rather be drinking? Neither of these if an option worth risking your fertile years on.

Do not have a baby with him,

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd

You say he sometimes drinks five beers, but generally about a two. Be honest, how much are you exaggerating his drinking because you need someone to blame for the situation you’re in?

The issue of whether the husband’s drinking is related to the fertility issue is only one part of the picture though.

Even if that isn’t the direct cause, it’s a problem

a) because he is ignoring the OP’s concerns and putting his desire/need to have a drink
b) because being married to a heavy drinker is a shit life for the spouse and a worse one for kids.

Yeah. He’s a good bet for a father.

This is a wake up call @Jackie8787

This isn’t a man to start a family with.

Thank you for your post and sorry that you went through this too.
I was under a consultant for my last pregnancy and they tried progesterone even though I hadn’t had a test yet to show low levels, but unfortunately it just masked the symptoms of miscarriage and delayed it. I appreciate the suggestion though.
Our DP’s do sound similar, I agree with the low level alocohol dependency - he has quite a stressful job and does seem to use it to relax after work.
I’ve always been really careful to never blame him even when he said after his last results that he thinks it’s his fault. I said we don’t know that, it could be my egg quality which hasn’t been tested yet as I believe this is more tricky to test, along with a whole host of other possible causes.
I do think I need to wait for us both to calm down and talk about it again. xx

I think this is a really balanced, thoughtful post with a lot of good advice. We struggled to conceive, although I didn't experience losses - which I'm so sorry you have had to go through.

Struggling with fertility is a massive strain on couples. Undoubtedly a huge amount of the physical and emotional stress falls to women, but men find it very difficult too. I think the odd beer or glass of wine can as PP says, "take the edge off" for them. Let them pretend it's not happening, and shirk the responsibility of it all. Numb the big emotions. It's a human but ultimately poor coping mechanism.

Fertility struggles are a relentless cycle of opportunity and loss and inherently focus on what (and impliedly, who) is to "blame". It's not a helpful narrative, it often remains a mystery, and either way is a minefield for relationships. To get by emotionally and stay close, I think it requires a really shared goal, a lot of very honest conversations, true compassion towards each other and - as other PPs have said - loving actions, rather than words.

To me, that would mean showing curiosity around his experience. Ask the hard questions - why can't he get through a week without a beer? Is it to escape what's going on? To feel normal? Does he resent that you are both having to go through this experience, and this is how he's rebelling against it? How else could he meet those emotional needs, more constructively? He needs to reckon with these issues, and in a committed relationship, you are his safe person to explore that with.

And while I think you should extend him that grace, he equally owes you the same compassion and support. At the end of the day, he should absolutely be able to get on board and give up alcohol. He should recognise that with what you are putting your body and your heart through towards your shared goal of bearing his child, it is the least he can do. So while I, unlike others, would take a gentler approach to exploring his problem - I do also think that ultimately he needs to get his act together.

I really hope he does OP. Wishing you luck💐

Thank you @NoKnit. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this, and glad that you had a family in the end.
I do believe he would be a great dad, he’s great with children in the family and he likes a beer after work because he thinks there’s no harm and he enjoys it, whereas I really do think he would put a child first if we had one.
I have said to him that we have no idea if his sperm is the issue, especially as i have been pregnant 3 times in the last year, it makes me think his sperm can’t be that bad. Though I have also read that with low morphology, even if a sperm manages to fertilise the egg, if the shape/head etc is abnormal, the embryo will only develop so far and can end in a miscarriage. I’m sure there’s a much more scientific way to word that but there’s so much conflicting info out there you just don’t know, hence why I want to give it our everything…one of those being completely cutting out alcohol just to see if it makes a difference.
I think he is scared and blaming himself which is why he is finding it difficult to stop drinking completely. We just have to keep talking.

He needs to see this week’s BBC Panorama documentary on drinking. You don’t have to drink every day to ruin your liver.

It must be very upsetting for you. He doesn’t seem interested in having a baby.

I am sorry but the best option would be to get your eggs frozen for another time.

Thank you @RaspberryBeretxx
Sorry you went through 3 mc too. I’m assuming you mean 150mg aspirin which I have read about and definitely considering it if and when we do conceive. Thanks for the advice xx

He's probably drinking because of the situation.
But drinking could be causing the situation.
It's a tough one