Family is against me for not feeding baby meat

[Foxtails]

Sorry if this has been brought up before, but could do with some advice please.

8 month old baby, stopped breastfeeding at 6 months. So far I have not fed anything with meat in it and do not plan to. I am vegetarian and have been for 8 years. DH is not veggie but does eat veggie meals in the house with me (his choice). For now, while my son has no way to make his own decisions, I won’t be feeding him meat. Once he is old enough to decide for himself, he can choose. We will always have vegetarian meals in the house but if he wants to eat it outside of the house that’s up to him and there will be no judgement from me.

It seems like absolutely none of my family members can accept this. My mum, dad, grandparents and also DHs parents have expressed to me how they think this is wrong. I have told them that as long as he is fed and is healthy then there really is no problem, and it’s up to me how I do this. It’s got to the point where it’s being brought up almost every time I see anyone because they are so so against it. I feel attacked. They are telling me not to force my views upon my child, but isn’t that what all parents do?! People parent their children how they think is best and in line with what they agree with. Everyone does this.

I am feeling upset and overwhelmed and feeling like i can’t go and see anyone without them starting this argument with me and I worry that they will feed him meat behind my back. Please could I have some advice on what to do and how to handle this? Has anyone been in this position?

Absolutely this. This was what I wanted to say but couldn’t find the right words. Well said.

You have obviously had a sad relationship history if you can’t conceive of a husband and wife having a frank and equal discussion and coming to an agreed position on an issue without sneakily trying to undermine one another.

I would send them all a message or phone if you can't do that and say you have made your informed decision, as parents you are happy with that decision and please not to bring it up again. DH can do it for his side of the family. If they do bring it up on any way I'd say let's change the subject please as I've asked not to discuss this again with a big smile on my face. If they won't stop then leave again big smile on my face saying it's a shame we have to go now as you've brought up vegetarianism again when I've asked you not to. If you maintain these boundaries it will hopefully stop.

Your reading skills and empathy for the millions of anemia sufferers seem to be lacking. Wondering if it could be your diet?

My post explained that a third of menstruating women suffer from iron deficiency. That means two thirds don't. How lovely for you that you are part of that majority.

Your figures are incorrect. These are the iron requirements according to the NHS:

• 8.7mg a day for men aged 19 and over
• 14.8mg a day for women aged 19 to 49
• 8.7mg a day for women aged 50 and over

Women having periods after the age of 50 may need the same amount of iron as women aged 19 to 49.

Your other figures are fascinating but I wonder how often you eat 100 mg of dark chocolate or scoff down the whole can of chickpeas.

I see that you haven't engaged with the point about absorption. Many healthy plant compounds hinder iron absorption as do wholemeal grains.

Personally, I struggled to get my babies to eat meat as they didn’t like it. Still as a four year old my eldest rarely will eat meat. She eats a lot of eggs and cheese and beans etc. Very healthy children!

Its not really their business.

Oh i can. I've had them. But it's like the shoes in the house thing. I'm as vocal as my partner is about it because I've fully accepted its how we have decided to run our home. I don't go behind his back and roll my eyes about it to my mum. So people know it's a rule in our house. Some people won't even know it isn't exactly my rule because I police it vehemently.

I don't think James is doing that.

And yet plenty people seem to have no problem with raising their kids veggie for religious reasons. Meat is protein, and as long as there are suitable alternatives included in the diet to replace the nutrients and protein provided by meat, there’s no problem. OP has already said her son has dairy, which is a good start.

Well it seems very straight forward to me..you’re not being unreasonable and your relatives are out of order. You are right that it is yours and DH’s choice absolutely and your family are being obnoxious in pressing the issue.

My son and DIL have the same home set up as you - she is vegetarian and he is a meat eater. They eat vegetarian at home and have no meat in the house and he eats meat if they go out for a meal. No children yet but if and when they do they will be raised vegetarian until the child can choose and then it will be up to them if they want to eat meat when not at home. I already know this because it’s come up in conversation but I wouldn’t dream of mentioning it in any negative way if they were to have DC. It will be their child, their rules in my view.

This idea of ‘imposing your views’ on your child is a bizarre one. All parents impose their views on their child in some way or other because it’s the job of parents to bring up children with some kind of framework and that will naturally come from what each parent thinks is right or wrong. No child is brought up ‘neutral’ - they all grow up believing some things and not others. Bringing a child up to eat meat is not a neutral position either…it may be a fairly benign one but nevertheless parents are conveying a message that it’s ok to eat meat and that is not a universally accepted view, therefore a parent is taking a position on it when they bring their child up in that way. And that’s fine! That’s their job! It’s not okay to harangue you for taking a different view though.

Honestly I think you need to have quite a frank conversation with your family and establish a framework and boundaries going forward. It’s not ok if you think they may give your DC meat behind your back when you have given explicit instructions for this not to happen. They don’t get to make those choices. Maybe if you explain the vegetarian diet in a bit more detail, ie ‘DC will be given this for vitamin D’ etc that may allay their fears. You shouldn’t have to but it may help to smooth the way. The main thing is to make it crystal clear that you make those choices not them……if it’s not this it will be something else so best to lay that foundation early on!

Why ? If he’s on board to the extent that he’ll happily eat veggie at home even though OP doesn’t enforce any strict rules, what makes you think this isn’t a bona fide joint decision ? It’s not just the meat eating thing. It’s the principle involved. This is a joint parental decision and if the rest of the family aren’t respecting it, then they are disrespecting ‘James’ just as much as OP.

@Foxtails As long as your child is getting the nutrition needed, and you've spoken with a medical professional (so you aware of all aspects and facts) you do you.
I don't eat animal products and I'm low iron so take iron and vit c together to "aid absorption" and not a iron tab swilled down with a coffee which is counterproductive. It's knowledge that matters not opinions

Great post and my sentiments exactly re the "imposing your views" point!

I raised two wholly vegetarian children. They are perfectly healthy, never wanted to eat meat and have persisted with vegetarianism into teenagerhood/ adulthood. It's totally okay, totally normal. Somebody once pointed out to me nobody ever says "why are you forcing your child to eat meat?" and it's true - just because it's the majority diet in the UK doesn't mean it's the only way. If there is pushback from relatives, challenge/ignore as necessary. People are so weird. Good luck.

I mean, of course! This is an valid point. But I don't think anyone raises their children in a vacuum away from the things they personally care about, do they? As you can probably tell, I am vegetarian as a moral choice - I personally believe it causes unnecessary harm to eat meat which has been produced by our current farming methods. You do not have to agree with me! The majority of people don't. It is not my whole personality, I also have lots of other values, many of which are probably more socially "standard" - we should try to recycle, we shouldn't litter, we should try to be kind and considerate to other people and animals etc. So is it ok to teach my kid these particular values, or do I have to hope she comes to them by herself? What about religion? I don't practice any religion, but should I be taking her to church, mosque, temple and synagogue etc to ensure she learns about all religions equally and is able to choose the one that best suits her, if any? Sounds hyperbolic but it's genuinely something I've thought about!

My point is, I think we all shape our kids to some degree, at least in the early years. What's important to me might not resonate with you and that's ok. My kid will be allowed to make her own choices as she grows - if she turns round in a few years and says she wants to eat meat, then fine. I know I'll have equipped her with the (age appropriate) information to make an informed choice and that's all I can and should do. By feeding a child meat you're also making a choice on their behalf, right? Are all those parents explaining to those children where the meat comes from, what kind of lives and deaths the animals have experienced? Given a tweenaged family member once told me that no, sheep we see in fields are pets, the lamb we buy comes from some other "wild" sheep, I'm guessing not always. But those parents have made the choice on their behalf. Is it so different?

i have no lack of empathy for people suffering from anaemia. If you want to invent mean little accusations for your own amusement that’s up to you but I doubt it enhances your joy in life very much.

I have very little patience for people making ignorant, sweeping statements that it’s unreasonable to raise a child on a vegetarian diet because it will lead to an iron deficiency when it is as easy and uncomplicated to eat sufficient dietary iron on a vegetarian diet as on one which includes meat. Your own figures evidence this. One third of menstruating women are iron deficient. One third of menstruating women aren’t vegetarians. So calling iron deficiency a vegetarian issue and then using it to criticise people for reasonable parenting decisions is ignorant.

Iron intake recommendations vary depending on the source but even taking 14.8mg as the recommendation, it’s not difficult to achieve. I might not be eating 100g of dark chocolate in one go very often, but every week I eat a wide range of iron-rich vegetarian food sources. Plant compounds which affect iron absorption also affect meat eaters, unless you’re suggesting people who eat steak don’t also eat vegetables and whole grains. You might need to eat a wider range of foods to get your necessary iron as a vegetarian but since that’s healthy and recommended anyway, why are we treating it as an issue?

You're completely within your rights and they're being disrespectful and hypocritical. Stick to your guns!

As anyone should, keep a level of awareness of nutrition and balanced diets, and put that into action to the best of your ability and capacity but don't break your neck over it because we can only do our best.

You know what's best for your child and I'm glad you and DH are a united front.

You're not unreasonable, it's none of their business.

You say you are vegetarian, not vegan, therefore your son can have milk, cheese, eggs, etc, all good sources of protein, vitamins and minerals. Keep his diet varied as I am sure you do. He'll be fine.

I'm not vegetarian btw but eat very little animal products. I admire vegetarians.

It's absolutely your business not theirs, but please make sure your baby is getting adequately nourished. Consider supplements - iron and certain vitamins especially.
DSis (Veggie herself) brought up DNephew as a vegetarian and he was found to be severely anaemic at age 4. The diet was believed to be a big contributor to this.

But it’s not just his family who do this, it’s OP’s too. Why so many posters don’t think a couple can make and stick to decisions they’ve made together, and come from a point of view that on or the other must have been co-erced is absolutely beyond me.

My 41 year old DS has been a vegetarian since birth. He's never had a day off sick from work his teeth are perfect with no cavities and he runs marathons. He makes very healthy food and is a really good cook. As long as vegetarians eat good food and dont live on junk its just fine.

Your shoes in the house example is irrelevant because people don’t hold strong views that wearing shoes in the house is the correct thing to do and that you’re depriving people of an important requirement for their well-being if you ask them to remove their shoes. It’s a complete non-event of a decision which people don’t take a strong moral stance on. if your mother started regularly haranguing you about how important it is that you start wearing shoes in the house, you would think quite seriously that she was suffering from cognitive decline because it’s simply not something normal people have intense moral views about.

As this thread clearly evidences, people feel very strongly in both directions about the ethics of eating meat and of making decisions about meat eating for their children. OP’s family are badgering her because of their own strong views on the subject, not because they’re trying to rescue her poor, brow-beaten husband from an unwelcome decision which has been forced upon him by an overbearing spouse.

I would have thought nutrient absorption would be an issue for any parent to consider.

You seem so angry. I wish you well.

I have been vegetarian since I was 11 and frankly I wish my parents had have brought me up to be.

Making a child eat meat because you beleive that to be the right choice, is still putting your choice on your child.
I'd personally feel that if you are vegetarian due to ethics or health, it is better to bring in the choice to eat the thing you feel is unethical/unhealthy as a choice to the child, rather than make them be unethical/unhealthy as the default.

It should be explained to children where meat comes from before they begin to see it as the default.

Again, no she doesn't. There is absolutely no need to discuss a vegetarian diet with any kind of professional because a vegetarian diet is perfectly suited to meet a child's needs.

These sound like the same sory of people who think I'm cruel for not giving my 1 year old chocolate cake - frankly ridiculous! I wouldn't stop him eating it at a party when he's older but we don't do sugary desserts at his age and that's my choice as his parent while he is too young to make an informed choice about healthy eating.

You absolutely need to just shut this down. Hundreds of thousands of people around the world are raised vegetarian with no ill effect. Just don't engage. If they keep going on about it say I am finding it very rude that you're questioning my parenting decisions when it has no ill health ramifications and if you continue I am going to distance myself from you. Sounds horrible - sorry you're going through it.

I have friends who are convinced by the time this generation is older they will be horrified about meat eating

Actually it's a very divisive topic informed largely by culture. My partner's family would see it as an actively disrespectful act if a person came into their home and didn't remove their shoes as it is such a norm for them. It would be you saying that you think their house is a shithole.

I had to explain that many of us, especially white Brits, weren't raised doing that and we really aren't making a point.