Unhealthy lifestyle but can't change

[mollydol]

Really fed up with myself. I know I have to improve my diet and lifestyle but I'm just struggling to know where to begin.

My diet is rubbish. I eat big portions and don't get enough nutritional stuff. A typical day is cereal bar for breakfast, sandwich for lunch and something carb heavy for dinner. I drink 2-3 coffees and snack on crisps and chocolate. Takeaway at the weekend. I don't exercise at all and have a sedentary job. I drink most nights of the week, not to excess but it's becoming a habit I struggle to break because life is such a slog I just relish that downtime in the evening. People say find something else to do that you enjoy but the sad fact is, I enjoy having a gin and tonic and sitting in front of the TV.

I have young dc and between them, work and house stuff there is very little time for the gym and classes and even if there was, my motivation is zero.

I keep promising myself I will make small changes. Quit the booze. Get up early and do a YouTube workout. Try and stick within a calorie deficit. I just can't stick to any of it.

My dh is supportive but we are in a rut together and have no help. I'm nearly 40 and well aware that I need to start future proofing my body and taking better care of myself.

I've had periods in the past (before my second child) where I managed to stick to healthier diets and exercised a bit more often (still actively hated it most of the time) but at this point in my life I'm just totally spent. I feel very down on myself.

Had two glasses of wine with my Sunday lunch and felt great at the time. Now I'm laid in bed thinking I've done it again. Eaten and drank and left myself looking bloated and feeling shit.

Is anyone else in the same boat? How the hell do you overhaul your lifestyle when you don't want to but know you need to?

I used to drink quite a bit and was out of shape. I'm now gym fit with abs. I thought my decent body was lost years ago, but it turns out I'd just buried it under mountains of bad habits, beer and lack of self care.

I started by taking up yoga. I started with beginner friendly videos, more meditative and not very physically demanding. That's fine, it's about getting your body used to being in a certain space and taking that time for yourself, breathing and recharging. I started to actively look forward to it, which won't happen if you go hell for leather doing an enormous workout routine that your body is not yet equipped to do. If course you will dread it, it will be horrible lol.

I quit drinking. Not wholesale I still have the odd gin and tonic but only on a Sunday and not every weekend. I didn't miss it after a short while. I noticed I had more energy. I didn't wake up starving because the alcohol has messed with my blood sugar. I didn't say 'fuck it' because the beer had lowered my inhibitions, and decide to eat and entire pizza on my own or order take away. This added up fast. After about 2 months I started losing weight and I wasn't really doing anything else.

The weight loss made me feel good. As well as this new found energy. I decided to clean my diet up a bit. Started subbing out something unhealthy for something healthy. Eating smaller portions. Started to cut back on carbs, but not full keto. Eating less bread was the main thing after alcohol that was making me gain weight. I swapped while carbs for brown or high protein versions which are more filling, you can get protein wraps protein, pudding even protein pasta. Blood sugar was more stable so noticed I wasn't as hungry in general. Added fibre to diet because while protein is great and takes longer to digest etc, fibre is what will keep you feeling full. Started having more vegetables in my plate. Stopped eating fruit and sugary foods, I already didnt take sugar in tea and coffee but I cut back on other sweets drinks or drinks that were filled with empty calories.

Noticed big changes with this and my yoga had improved so I stepped up to intermediate, now taking that time to ask my body to do a bit more. The poses were hard. I hadn't yet learned how to balance and I lacked the strength to hold the poses for any meaningful time but that was the point it was all a practice.

Invested in a treadmill. I didn't run. I hate running. Did fast walking for 20 minutes every other day. Got into a routine with both the yoga and the running.

Went to the pub and realised I actually felt a bit sick from just 2 drinks and that I'd be too wobbly to do my yoga, and realised I'd actually have rather stayed in and kept my routine. I was shocked as I used to be the first person at the pub as soon as anybody even suggested it.

Started to up my my game. Bengan hiit on treadmill so fast walk then run then fast walk again. Cardio developed quite quickly.

Yoga was the main thing and for me way better. It somehow made me mentally feel stronger and more capable. It got rid of a lot of stress and I feel funny even now if I don't do it. Started to get actually quite good at it and was surprised how much flexibility and muscle returned. Began doing power yoga and advanced yoga. Sometimes twice a day. Started to run outside - which I still hate.

Started serious dieting (which I won't bore you with here as you don't need it), cutting, watching my macros etc. and revealed that I'd done a shockingly good job of transforming my body.

The whole thing sort of snowballed and I'm very happy with itm it took probably a year and a bit to get where I am now, but instead of having an end goal of being like this, I was just happy that I was achieving at each level, happy with each improvement. That really helped as it meant in the moment I felt good. I felt positive about continuing. I didn't set myself harsh targets like lose 3 stone by Christmas, before next year's holiday or something other occasion which is never going to work and will just lead to feelings of shame and failure all round. Started to count calories through this but wasn't militant with it. If I went over one day, instead of being upset and throwing in the towel I'd count the calories over the week, and know that as long as I was careful tomorrow and the day after I'd still be under in those 7 days. That really helped me get back on the horse and stay on track. Before that when I'd tried to diet I'd make one mistake or have a shocking two days (usually when very stressed or busy) then write the whole thing off as if I'd failed. Rinse and repeat. The actual way to improment is consistent effort, every day. All the times before when I'd failed at diets I'd also not given it long enough. You need to diet and exercise for a minimum of 6 weeks to see results and probably 4 months to look in the mirror and really notice a change. It's a long term goal, but it doesn't require long term thinking because the only moment you control is the right now, so just do what you can in the moment and you will get there.

Bad habits stack and so do good ones. If you do 3 things that day you didn't want to, eg eat some junk food for lunch, followed by a coffee with cream and sugar and 6 biscuits, it's easy to say well I might as well just drink the gin and watch TV later in the day, in the mindset that you have already failed. But if you have made healthy decisions through the day and given yourself the deserved pat on the back for doing it, it's easier to say I don't drink tonight, I'll go on that walk, I'll do 15 minutes of yoga etc. these things are like feelings, they have a roll on effect.

If you live with somebody who is unsupportive you need to make this your thing, independent of them. This is done by you for you, they don't matter. If they seem unhappy about it then it's literally just jealousy that you can succeed where they have failed. You don't need their help or approval to control what you do in a day.

No, it doesn’t.

Think what you can add in, not take out. Wouldn’t you much rather have a lovely cheese omelette and cherry tomatoes for breakfast, or fruit and Greek yogurt with nuts than a yucky cereal bar?

Just start with that.

When you make one change, you realise that you feel so much better about yourself that you then have more motivation (and self love!) to make more changes.

It’s a cliche but see your body as a temple that deserves to be pampered and looked after and given all the most lovely things.

Of course you can change.

You're a decade younger than me & I've changed over the last ten years.

I still smoke like a bastard though.

Obviously.

THIS is how you do it OP. Exactly this.

OP, I am you - except I am 10 years older than you. It is very hard with small kids and work and life .:. But you can make changes. It’s worth it.

I cut down the alcohol first - alcohol-free gin and slimline tonic might work for you. But personally I just switched to other lovely drinks - cranberry with sparkling water, lime cordial, ginger beer.

Then diet. I started meal planning and make sure that I factor in lots of fruit and veg. I switched up breakfast by adding a gut—friendly yoghurt and then swapping the cereal bar for a banana or wholemeal toast with marmite (okay, not perfect - but I’m not a saint).

And then finally the exercise. I started with things I can easily do: cycle with the kids for 30mins or take them swimming (not very hard work but still movement). Then I moved on to gardening - being more active round the garden helps a lot and is productive and the kids will come and bounce on the trampoline while I do my digging or whatever. And then I realised that I still needed more exercise so I picked my favourite easy thing - swimming.

It was hard at first and I failed over and over, but now I swim 4 x per week, there is a 6am pool session so I can do it before the kids are awake. I’m on a rest day today, but I still wake up at 5.20 so I’ll be up soon doing meal prep and chores.

I am not perfect, I still eat too much, I still eat crisps (argh). But it’s definitely true that you can make small changes and you just have to keep starting again when you fail.

The little successes feel good - when I choose to have sliced cucumber instead of a biscuit.

Unsurprisingly the impossible changes are the ones you hate - I could not jog, for example. But when you find a change you enjoy you can find it easier to resume when you fail. So, I really enjoy batch cooking curry and soup - I can pack them with beans and lentils. When the kids share a pizza, I will eat a few crusts to satisfy the desire to scoff it, and then I’ll eat something I like alongside - usually a pile of tomato and balsamic salad with a crusty brown roll.

You don’t have to worry about being rubbish at making these changes.

Oh and I bought control pants! Having everything squeezed up helps me feel less hungry 😋

Its just a really hard things to change. It starts with adapting your routine.
Get up early and start with 15 mins exercise. Then 20 the 30 until it's becomes a daily habit.
I'd also change the breakfast. I have a smoothie in the morning which is either a banana and milk with almond butter or frozen fruit and some yoghurt. It's really easy and filling. Once I've started my day like this it's like start right and don't then want to eat crap.
Also by getting up early your evenings become shorter so less time to drink.
It is just a hard thing to do and I'd say most people want to change one thing, for me I'm wanting to stop vaping. But cannot think of how.

Personally, I would focus on upping your protein, which will make you feel nice and full compared to all the insulin spikes you'd be getting from cereal bars and snacking. Also, after 35 we start to lose muscle which slows our metabolism and makes us more fragile. All of us should be concerned about maintaining our muscle mass as best we can.

There are online calculators that will help you work out your ideal protein and calorie needs. I'd bet my bottom dollar you're eating too low in protein leaving you hungry and eating lots of empty calories.

I would do something like:

Breakfast:
-Eggs and bacon medallions, maybe some turkey sausages.

• Greek yoghurt/high protein nautal yoghurt with nuts and berries.
• Porridge.

Lunch and dinner is based on some sort of protein source with loads of veg. I feel and look much better if I have proper lunches, so chicken curry, chicken/fish and veg with a little carbs/bolognase etc rather than something like soup or a sandwich which isn't going to fill me up for long.

Weight training is also excellent for building and maintaining muscle. Even doing body weight exercises will help.

Walking will melt the fat off so long as your calorie intake is reasonable. I built up to 70k steps over the week (much more flexible and easier to achieve than 10k a day). Break them up into little goals, so maybe 3/4k steps before lunch, 3/4k before dinner and the rest in the evening etc. Going for a walk while listening to a podcast or chatting to a friend on the phone is good, or even getting stuck into the housework. If you're moving about you're also less likely to drink.

I saw decent results by myself for about 6-9 months but recently got a PT and the transformation has been amazing.
Twice a week I batch cook a big curry/chili/bolognase and weigh it all out to store it. I know this sounds like a lot of faff but it's genuinely amazing not having to think about what to eat 3 times a day because it's all just sitting there ready. Portion control is key .

I'm mid 30s and very aware that peri-menopause is likely just around the corner. I want to get myself in shape to try to weather it as best I can and maintain my health and mobility long term.

There's a lot in there and all of the changes I've made have bee over the last year, with the PT only happening a few months ago.

I would start with increasing the protein in your breakfast, trying to increase your steps and gradually reducing the drinking.

I would start with the alcohol first. You will feel better in yourself without it and that will kickstart the motivation for everything else.

I went to alcohol free wine instead months ago just because I love wine and I don't like how gross I feel the day after a glass or two. I can get up easier in the morning, I do not feel as anxious, my thinking is clearer. I was suprised how I still feel relaxed making a non alcoholic drink.

Food I would up the protein and veg parts. Protein makes you feel full. Make a choice to begin with to cook decent stuff on the weekend when you haven't got work and you can make it a joint effort with the husband or even little ones can join in. If you have the energy to make extras then save for the monday and have at work or for tea the next day. Nuts are a great snack and source of good fats and protein. This way you can find recipes and get them in your brain so its not as taxing to make them on a weekday in the future. We always cook enough to have another portion for lunch. So breakfast is simple or like an oat pot with seeds yoghurt etc, and only one prep has gone into lunch and tea.

Exercise, start small again, if you preferred pilates or yoga you could get youtube up on the tv and start of once a week. If you like weights lots of people sell second hand on marketplace and you could start off with a mini work out, no pressure on your back with once a week and then up it if you want to. Find a time where it doesn't crumch into you time and it makes it feel like a chore. I currently have injuries so the only exercise I have is my physio exercises and I do see the difference not having my little workouts on my mood.

If you start small or start with one thing, thats progress. I always felt I need us to have bottle of wines in at the weekend to relax and often felt I needed a glass of wine to relax after work and then I needed the alcohol free ones in and now I don't care much for them or think about it, it is possible but weird to start with.

Exercise wise see it as I will do five minutes if I don't like it I can do something else, you trick yourself into starting and once you get going you will want to carry on, initiating doing it is the hard part.

You will be fine x

Quitting alcohol is definitely the best start.

You can make changes OP. It’s about making new habits.

Good luck.

Cheat.

Get a healthy meal delivery service.

Don't pay for alcohol and takeaways and you'll be able to afford it.

Two birds with one stone.

I really agree that saying you're going to do something you know you won;t is just a recipe for downward spiralling. My top tip is buy posh tonics with interesting flavours and make them up with ice and a slice or two. You won't even notice the absence of gin if its a good flavour. Fevertree and London Tpnics do some great ones.

Motivation is a red herring in my opinion.

I very very very rarely feel motivated to exercise. If I waited to feel motivated, I would never do it.

So I basically just do it, I have accepted I won't necessarily look forward to it or want to do it.

But the benefits to my mental and physical health are huge.

As Nike would say: just (fucking) do it!

I started f45 a year ago and it is life changing . I also run. I have a very demanding full time job and a child.

Weekend mornings are crucial, can you get your DH on childcare duty?

Also, I recently got hypnotized (bear with me!) to deal with my sugar addiction. I was scarfing down so much junk in the evening.

They got me to rethink "it's a treat."

It isn't a treat. It's a punishment; as it makes me feel awful afterwards!

If you can reframe your alcohol and junk food this way, it really helps!

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in a long time while I was there. I wasn't really into it if I'm honest but this morning I've woken up with that familiar ache from using the muscles to lift weights which I love I'm going to go again today, but rather than try and do everything in an hour I'm just gonna do 25 minutes or so. I'm going for little enough to keep the momentum. Do you like the gym at all?

You are using food and alcohol as the comfort/joy in your days. I do it too which is why it’s so hard to change! I do it too

This is how I look at it as well.

I know people say "pick something you enjoy so it's not a chore" but I'm never going to really love exercise.

But I thought, well hang on, I don't wait for loads of motivation to clean the bathroom, or do laundry, or whatever it is. I just do them. I don't hate doing it, nor do I enjoy it. I just do it because it's got to be done, and when it's done I'm glad I've done it. That's how I am with exercise.

I agree with all the previous posts about layering in small healthy habits.
My easiest layer is "drink more water"

I like the "eat 30 plants in a week" target. It includes vegetables, fruits, grains, herbs and spices and is good for adding variety and flavour to food.

Smaller plates help with manging portion size.

Increase movement in small steps. Add another 1000 steps to what you normally do or 10min workouts. Build a regular habit of moving more rather than blitzing and burning. Build up gradually.

The only thing I would strategically take out is most of the alcohol because of its effects on sleep, mood and energy. There's so much more range of interesting substitutes now.

Change seven things:

-no alcohol until Christmas (then in NY go down to having a drink one or two nights a week)

-go to bed at same time as your dc two nights a week

-go veggie three nights a week

~walk three lunch times a week at work

-eat a boiled egg for breakfast three
mornings a week

~drink at least four glasses of water a day minimum

~buy yourself a nice lunch box set and a soup maker and make salads/drink soup at lunch time

@Anotherparkingthreadthank you, you’ve inspired me to so a nice easy yoga video today. I used to be really into fitness and working out and I think that is why I keep failing post children to get fit because I immediately jump into advanced Pilates workouts then dread them and ache for days and then after a couple weeks stop altogether.

Swap the g&t for herbal tea once kids are in bed. It's the same ritual to mark the end of the day but feels better.

I’ve given myself a fibre target of 30g it means I have to eat a lot more veg and fruit so I’m adding instead of taking away. Breakfast is 2 tablespoons of chia seed in hazlenut milk with berries which is 14g fibre (you stick the seeds and milk in a bowl the night before). I add on a cup of peas or broccoli, to whatever I’m eating, eat guavas etc.

I think try to add something rather than take something away. It’s easier to do and less stressful.

I would also just try to embed one habit first before you tackle another one. i would try to have a few booze free nights, my sleep is shit after drinking and it makes everything worse.

Totally agree with this.

Exercise is just one of those things that has to be done, like buying food or washing clothes. I think too many people wait to be "motivated" and then complain that they never actually do anything.

I kind of see cooking healthy meals in the same way - I don't particularly love it but I do it because I know I'll regret it in the future if I don't, and over the years I've learned to make it bearable and to find recipes I like.

Unfortunately, like with many things in life, what's good for us isn't necessarily what's enjoyable or fun - but you just have to get on with it, just like you have to get up for work in the dark in winter or do housework before bed.

I've seen friends and relatives living in agony because they refused to tackle their bad diets and their drinking habits. You don't want to spend your sixties on the sofa because you're too unfit to walk to the shops, or with neuropathy in your feet because your diabetes is so out of control - believe me. I’ve seen it happen and it is awful - both for the person who is unwell and their friends/relatives.

Water down the gin, just keep topping up with water. You won’t notice it, but will immediately lower your consumption without any effort.

Choose one night a week - Monday - and stock up on something tasty to drink, and make it an alcohol free night. Keep distracted with a hot bath, and then some Christmas jobs. Increase by one night a week until you have got to 3/4 or whatever number is best for you. It’s mostly habit, rather than addiction. You can then use the time to do something genuinely joyful for yourself.

You are walking around with a poisoned body. Of course you feel dreadful. A body that is starved of love and attention.

This is where I would start. The rest: motivation, better sleep and food choices will spring with renewed energy.

@Lammveg I agree with you. Once we start doing something that's where we gain momentum. Even if it's just one small thing at a time like putting your running shoes on.

Start small, start making one or two things your routine. Then stick to them religiously.

Getting fit and getting healthy is about slowly building the routine of a healthier lifestyle that will last years, not going full pelt at intense gym sessions or fad diets.

You don't have to cut out everything unhealthy that you enjoy. When I took up running, I was in my mid-20s and had basically never exercised in my life. I liked parties and I liked food and I didn't want to stop those things, so I started with exercise to counter-balance them. I could barely run 5 minutes without keeling over. But I forced myself to get out there once a week, and it was the most incredible feeling to slowly but surely get better and better.

Once you start seeing and feeling results, it all tends to snowball, as PP have said. I've also found myself in a pub drinking soft drinks because I had a long run scheduled the next day and wouldn't be able to do it even mildly hungover. Couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth.

I think in your position I'd start with three things:

-A exercise routine. Keep it simple and it doesn't have to take much time. Plenty of home workouts, couch to 5k etc out there. Even just doing 10 x press-ups and 10 x sit-ups every couple of days. Just get the sweat going and heartrate up.

-Cut down the booze. I wouldn't try to quit totally straight off the bat but booze every night is too much, even in my wildest party days I didn't do that. Go for twice a week and make it a treat.

-Add some regular fruit or veg to your meal routine. Swap the cereal bar for a banana, or once a week do a veg-heavy dinner instead of a carb-heavy one.

Those are the foundations, the easy little switches you can make. You can take it from there depending on your preferences. But the important thing is to make those things a routine that you do on autopilot without thinking. It will snowball!