Boyfriend staying out all night when we have a baby

[Astronomer13]

AIBU??
Boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and have a 6 mth old baby and everything is great. The only real issue is him staying out drinking until gone midnight, semi-regularly. Sometimes he’s come in past 3am. I’d say once a month on average.
Hes currently awol after saying he’d be home 6 hrs ago and not answering his phone. I’ve looked after the baby all day, he left the house at 1pm and it’s now 11pm, fed, bathed, entertained, done bedtime etc.
It’s almost certain that at some point he will lose his phone or the battery will die. I wouldn’t even mind if I knew he was going to be out all night but he will ALWAYS say he’ll be home by 6/7/“only having a couple of drinks”. It’s so predictable now that I feel daft expecting any more from him, and I don’t like the conflict so just brush it off usually.
I get that he works hard and needs to let off steam, but it seems so unequal. I’m on maternity leave and breastfeeding, don’t get any respite obviously with a young baby, get zero time alone. It’s building resentment. He’s always been like this so can I expect him to change? Any tips of how to approach this with him?

Another baby born to another shit father.
If I were you I'd cut my losses and dump him. You and your child will never be his priority.

First post nailed it.

I've been on MN since about 2011 and these threads are sadly very common.

The men tend not to change, but often the women carry on having more babies with them in the hope that they will.

If becoming a father hasn't made him grow up OP, you're better off cutting your losses now.

You sit down and have a grown up conversation about the type of parents you want to be and the type of relationship you want to have. Not tomorrow when he’s hingover and you’re angry, another time when you’re calm. Make sure you talk about equal time to do fun stuff and having respect for each other.

if he carries on regardless or thinks you’re just being a nag, remember that when someone shows you who they are you should sit up and take notice. You can’t often change people, but you can decide to hate you’re prepared to put up with.

FFS too many autocorrect typos there. But hopefully you get the gist!!

Absolutely this!

He has a drink problem OP.
His drinking and social life is more important than you and his baby.
He hasn't taken on board that when you have a child priorities should change.
You would be better off ending the relationship.

I get that he works hard and needs to let off steam

He’s a father and should be an adult. When do you get to “let off steam?” You are enabling this behaviour by thinking like this. Yes people go out when they have children but they shouldn’t go AWOL. Why wouldn’t you mind that this useless piece of shit was going out all night? You SHOULD mind! I wouldn’t be wasting a second of my life living with someone like this. I was married to someone like this and left when my child was 12 weeks old, it was the best decision I made. Things will NOT get better with this man, he’ll promise to change but fall into the same old routine, get out now is my advice and don’t look back.

All of this.

I'm sorry to say it but he doesn't seem like he wants to be a father. Parenting is about teamwork and if he's choosing to do this so often then he is taking the piss and prioritising drinking and his mates over you. You're right, it's very unequal and very unfair. What would he say if you pulled this stunt even once? Never mind every month.

I would give him the opportunity to change and show you some support and respect. If he chooses not to do that then you have your answer. Your life will be a lot more peaceful if it's just you and your baby. No man child keeping you up at night wondering where he is.

He’s always been like this so can I expect him to change?
No.

You’ve got low standards if you feel daft expecting more from him! Going awol & lack of communication when you have a baby is not ok! It will get worse until you set (& stick to) boundaries. Why does he need to let off steam because he works hard but you don’t? Looking after a baby IS working full time. Honestly & nicely, you need to expect better.

Start booking stuff in for you to have a break! Spa days, drinks, concerts, meals out with mates and family etc
Don't martyr yourself while he's out on the lash lying about when he's gunna get home and being irresponsible

Midnight once a month ? Do people really think he has a drink problem and should leave him 🤔

It's important to have friends, a social life and some down time. Yes, he should let you know if he's going to be late but I really wouldn't think this is a big deal.

I get that he works hard and needs to let off steam, but it seems so unequal. I’m on maternity leave and breastfeeding, don’t get any respite obviously with a young baby, get zero time alone. It’s building resentment. He’s always been like this so can I expect him to change?

This is pertinent.

If it’s only once a month - I don’t see the problem? As long as he’s not spending money you need etc You both need a life and to enjoy yourselves. If trust is a problem then that’s a separate issue.

I regularly go for weekends away, nights out etc and my DH can do the same. He also works away with work a lot. I look after the kids when he’s gone and he does when I am. We are fantastic parents and have a great marriage as we have that freedom so never feel tied down or controlled.

When my second was 8 days old DH had to go to Dubai (where he’d worked for 8 years but flew home at weekends) for 3 weeks- I just cracked on. And had an older child I had to take to school etc. dogs to walk, house to run.

He should have his phone in though in case something happens and you need him so that’s not cool.

Going awol when you have a baby is a big deal yes.

When does op get a break?

Does he pull his weight with the baby when he's actually there op?

Fully agree! They are not tied to each other and can have a life. Or this is where relationships fall apart as people feel trapped.

And for balance...my dh was pretty useless when we had our first baby. He had no experience and felt very out of his depth so I did the majority of the baby stuff.

But he supported me in other ways - cooked meals, cleaned the house, did the shopping. He certainly didn't go out on the piss and stay out all night once a month.

Don't really think it's ok to go awol in any relationship (unless it's a one off/emergency/phone died type of thing) but to do it so often when you have a small baby and partner at home is very immature and selfish.

I don't think a night out once a month is excessive. Obviously it's annoying for him to say he'll be home at a certain time and then not get home til much later. Just tell him you won't expect him til late and you'll be in bed so don't disturb you when he comes in. Can you express some milk and build up a freezer supply so you can leave him with baby and have some nights out yourself? It's good for both of you to get out and have a bit of child free time!

Yeah it’s more that he goes completely out of contact and I have no way of contacting him. It’s worrying! That’s why I said I wouldn’t mind if I knew he was gonna be in at daft o clock, just feel like he’s taking the piss every time saying it’s only a couple hours and ends up rolling in 12 hours later 😒

No, everything is not great, is it?

I said he should check in.

The op can I'm sure arrange something if she wanted

Who is feeling trapped here? Not the out-with-his-mates boyfriend.

This is why you don’t have a kid with someone you have only been with for a few months.

Another child with broken parents.

He absolutely dotes on the baby and is great with him. He’s a very typical man that was terrified of a newborn, never changed a nappy before🤣 But hes stepped up and I can’t fault him on that front