Boyfriend staying out all night when we have a baby

[Astronomer13]

AIBU??
Boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and have a 6 mth old baby and everything is great. The only real issue is him staying out drinking until gone midnight, semi-regularly. Sometimes he’s come in past 3am. I’d say once a month on average.
Hes currently awol after saying he’d be home 6 hrs ago and not answering his phone. I’ve looked after the baby all day, he left the house at 1pm and it’s now 11pm, fed, bathed, entertained, done bedtime etc.
It’s almost certain that at some point he will lose his phone or the battery will die. I wouldn’t even mind if I knew he was going to be out all night but he will ALWAYS say he’ll be home by 6/7/“only having a couple of drinks”. It’s so predictable now that I feel daft expecting any more from him, and I don’t like the conflict so just brush it off usually.
I get that he works hard and needs to let off steam, but it seems so unequal. I’m on maternity leave and breastfeeding, don’t get any respite obviously with a young baby, get zero time alone. It’s building resentment. He’s always been like this so can I expect him to change? Any tips of how to approach this with him?

It could be reassuring so I know he isn’t in a ditch somewhere but also seems a bit weird I agree with you

So have you been out and un contactable since you became a parent?

No my child is breastfed so I have a permanent little pal and don’t venture far from home for obvious reasons

Me and my Ex partner used to have our “location” switch on… then he switched it off the night he cheated on me and came up with some mad story - all came out in the end.

I now believe if someone wants to be in touch they will be, if they aren’t then they just simply aren’t and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. No matter what responsibility they have or what they’ve said before or promised.
Don’t get mad yourself that he’s let you down though… it’s not fair and it’s not really kind either. You sound really understanding! I’d be fuming. From experience though he’ll do this so many times and you’ll start loosing respect because it’s not fair. Make sure he really knows how it makes you feel, you’re asking for basics and it’s too frequent what he’s doing.

Thought as much
Any word from your child’s other parent ?

You've had a child with a shit father. Dump him and raise your standards

Personally I think that those early weeks are really important to cocoon as a family, and not to play the ‘OP don’t be a martyr/why don’t you go out/take a spa day/fly to Marrakesh’ game. It’s not too much to ask the father of your child to stay in with you out of solidarity and love, or for him to go out for two pints and come home. The earlier he normalises it, the more the burden falls on the mother, and it’s not right or fair.

I suspect he is going off contact because he is mingling with single women.
Sorry. I think you need to cut your losses here.

Nah I’m 100% sure this isn’t the case. I’ve had exes where that’d be my first thought too but not this one. Certain he’s just out drinking too much beer with his mates

This! I agree! I’m a homebody. I WANT to be with my baby and cosy up at home not flying to Marrakesh😅👍🏼

So how come he is home after 3am and where is he after the bar shuts? And why is his phone always "dead" or "lost"

Sorry, you are clearly loyal but please, wake up to reality.

Either way, his behavior is totally shit and unacceptable, with or without cheating.

Yep!

Seriously! He has had 9 months to get use to the fact that life changes and now you're just accommodating him.

You are in this together or not. If you were at a point to drop the ball would he be there to pick it up? This is what you want in a partner and nothing less, you and your baby deserve more than someone who dotes on them when they can be bothered to be around, damn that's what aunts, uncles, friends are for!

I know far too many girls with partners like this and the reason they are out all night till 3am+ is because they are on the ❄️❄️❄️

it's not fair to you OP. He's old enough to realise this isn't a fair thing for you to have to put up with when he's got you and a little one at home. he needs to grow up a bit.

Just hold on a sec while I fetch your shiny medal. Are you happy now you’ve got some validation from strangers on the internet?

LOL at the suggestion of you doing the same. Breastfeeding full time and being sole carer for a tiny baby? Yeah, you'll definitely want to fuck off, turn off your phone and drink yourself into a coma for 12 hours.

Some posters are either inept uncaring mothers themselves or they just like a pile on.

YANBU. It's not ok. The baby is still very small. And the problem with him going out at 1pm and coming back at 3am means he's hungover all day tomorrow too so that's 36 hours of solo parenting for you.

Nights out/weekends away will happen again for both of you at some point. But while the baby is this small, it's not ok.

Honestly if other things are great and it’s once a month, I think it’s fine. But it’s like you said, it’s the gaslighting you into thinking he’s just going out for a couple of pints that pisses you off because you’re sat there waiting for him. Maybe he genuinely only intends to go out for a bit and then gets carried away, or maybe he feels like he can’t be upfront and say he’s out on the sesh and it will be a late one. If it’s the second one, make it clear to him that you don’t have a problem with him staying out late, but just be honest about it.

@Abcdefghijklmh how nice for you. Some of us can't just carry on. Some have babies that don't sleep well. Some have PND and want to jump off a building when it gets dark outside every day.

And a work a trip is VERY DIFFERENT TO DRINKING YOURSELF INTO A COMA once a month.

My DH went away with work for 2 weeks when my baby was 6 weeks. It was hell, right at peak colic time. At least he did it for work and was unavoidable (and he always had his phone on).

He's a useless drunk. You chose a terrible father for your child.

Imagine a world where there is parallel forum on which fathers regularly complain that the mothers of their young babies stay out all night drinking regularly, leaving them to deal with baby.

I know it happens but I'm sure not as regularly as I hear this story...

Agree, but to be fair, it's a horrible habit to model for a child of any age too. Equally horrible is the acceptance that it's going to happen and what more can you expect/ he needs to let his hair down/ this is a normal way to deal with stress, etc.

I don't know why a woman would put up with behaviour like this. It's essentially men wallowing in their privilege.

This is standard on here. Lots of people struggle with men’s behaviour because of their own experiences. Honestly, your partner doesn’t sound that bad- I would echo what the pp said about having a calm conversation about communication when he’s drunk. See if it improves before jumping to LTB!

Leave him. He is selfish, has not changed his behaviour and treating you and your baby abominably.

Yes it is selfish behaviour op. Was he like this before you had a child?

Give him a medal or leave him
What is it you want from this relationship because you don't seem happy with his behaviour, yetcenable it.
He, as will most people, will take the piss when there is no boundary