Boyfriend staying out all night when we have a baby

[Astronomer13]

AIBU??
Boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and have a 6 mth old baby and everything is great. The only real issue is him staying out drinking until gone midnight, semi-regularly. Sometimes he’s come in past 3am. I’d say once a month on average.
Hes currently awol after saying he’d be home 6 hrs ago and not answering his phone. I’ve looked after the baby all day, he left the house at 1pm and it’s now 11pm, fed, bathed, entertained, done bedtime etc.
It’s almost certain that at some point he will lose his phone or the battery will die. I wouldn’t even mind if I knew he was going to be out all night but he will ALWAYS say he’ll be home by 6/7/“only having a couple of drinks”. It’s so predictable now that I feel daft expecting any more from him, and I don’t like the conflict so just brush it off usually.
I get that he works hard and needs to let off steam, but it seems so unequal. I’m on maternity leave and breastfeeding, don’t get any respite obviously with a young baby, get zero time alone. It’s building resentment. He’s always been like this so can I expect him to change? Any tips of how to approach this with him?

I used to have this with DH. I actually didn't mind him going out, I didn't even mind if he stayed out all night. What I hated was him saying "I'll be home by 11pm" and then him not coming home and his phone dead.

He often ended up missing the train, and hanging around Euston until the first train, when he would eventually role home about 6am. Meanwhile I had a baby, and a job, and was exhausted being up all night worrying.

I outright asked him one day, how he would feel if I did the same to him and it became a bit of a light bulb moment for him. Not that I would, I'm a day drinker, home by 9pm with a cuppa type of person 😁

However, we also agreed that if there was the slightest chance he wouldn't be coming home I'd rather just have that agreed before he goes out so I don't worry. If he comes home, great, if he doesn't that fine as that's what was agreed. It made a huge difference.

For the record, once a month doesn't seem excessive to me if he's generally a good guy the rest of the time..

Aw thank you I appreciate that ❤️

Okay well either way he needs to grow up. My partner is a similar age and we don’t have kids but I still wouldn’t be keen on that behaviour.

I saw in your later updates that you are confident that no way is he cheating. He may well not be and I don’t have any strong opinions on if he is or not and you obviously know him better than us.

That said, I think it’s unwise to completely dismiss the idea that he might be. I’m a bit older than you and seen far too many women be caught out by their husbands and boyfriends cheating.

They always seem so shocked even when there was a pattern of the man staying out all night with poor communication. And like you, they always said there was “no chance” of it happening. Bottom line is you just don’t know so keep your eyes peeled.

Agreed.
Sorry OP, but you picked him.

Why does it make someone an inept uncaring mother? What an uneducated statement.

There are so many women out there with PND because of this attitude. You can go out! You are not tied to the house because you’ve had a baby.

@Astronomer13 Youre the same age as me and my DH- it’s very normal to go out. If it was every week and he was writing off each weekend due to being hungover then that’s different. But once a month, so literally 12 days out of 365 days is fine. It’s healthy to have a break.

Did you join an NCT group? When he’s out can you meet your friends, go to your families etc enjoy having time to yourself- eat what you want and watch TV!

OP you clearly trust him which is great and there’s no reason you shouldn’t just because he goes out, so the only problem here is his lack of communication due to his safety so this is what I would address. (My DH came home one weekend last month at 4am, I thought he’d be hungover and we had to be up for the horse and then head to rugby for the kids- he wasn’t hungover at all- turns out his friend decided it would be fun to drive them on his new combine and they were out doing harvest- so yes people are not doing Coke or sleeping about , they are probably having fun with their friends!). But on MN that’s what they assume is always happening or he’s a drunk?!

Once you’ve finished breastfeeding you can go out and do the same - there would be a problem if your OH took issue with this , as he’s done it, but that’s not an issue at the moment.

In our social circle we’re all professionals with big jobs- socialising and going out is totally normal- everyone has lovely packed weekends, the children as well. If your OH makes you uneasy for any reason when he’s out , address this, and in this case in seems to be his safety, and then let him enjoy himself. And you make sure you do. Also can you go out together? Do you have a babysitting circle? Go out and have fun as a couple as much as you can.

Get rid

He won't change

You deserve better.

And just to add - the thing is with men of a certain age how they act is how they act before or after having children.

This is why I observe my partners behaviour as we are now - childfree - BEFORE deciding if I want to have children with him.

Yes people do make adjustments when having kids but overall I’m not expecting him to magically transform. So I’m taking him as he is rather than imagining his potential to change.

And I still feel you weren’t in a relationship with him very long at all before you had children, by my calculations you were him with about 7 months before falling pregnant?
Is that correct?

And knowing him casually or even as a friend is so different to being in a committed romantic relationship. But anyway obviously you can’t turn back the clock but I do hope others reading this will learn from it. He doesn’t sound like the worst guy but I do think you and your child deserve better. Especially considering the potential for this behaviour to escalate.

I'm currently supporting a friend through leaving a husband like this.

It won't get better, and he's showing you, right now, the kind of father and partner that he's going to be. It won't get better, only worse.

Like you, my friend said he is "great with the kids". But the utter lack of respect he was showing when he was regularly getting fall down drunk around the kids (!) proved otherwise.

Your partner is showing that he can happily sod off all night, be out of contact and leave you literally holding the baby.

Honestly, and I don't mean to sound harsh, you sound like you have low standards and don't expect much more from him. Which is probably why you are in this situation now.

Time to take a good long look at what the future will hold for you and your child, because your partner sure as shit isn't.

If he's always been like this then you need to decide if you want to spend your time expecting him to change, or accept that you've had a child with someone who goes out once a month and rolls in whenever, after going out of range with a dead phone battery.

Sit down with him, and tell him how it makes you feel, calmly, not when you've got the hump and he's got a hangover. Tell him that you feel worried for his safety, and really don't have a good time when you're lying there waiting to hear his key in the lock and him stumbling up the stairs pissed.

It might be that you can come to some compromise, given that his big nights out are a big part of his life, that he stays on a mate's sofa and is back by noon the next day to take the parenting reins while you have an afternoon out with friends.

I don't agree that one night out a month makes someone a deadbeat dad, or that you shouldn't have had children with him, you're getting a hard time. There probably is room for some communication about how things have changed for you, and what you need from him now in order for resentment not to build.

Going out, drinking to excess, going AWOL are your boyfriend's hobbies. Like so many men do, he sees the baby as your hobby. You know the phrase, "Start as you mean to go on"? That's just what he is doing. He is showing you who he is. Please believe him and cut your losses. I wish you and your precious baby all the best.

So much hand wringing at a Dad going out 12 times a year!

The issue isn't him going out and getting pissed, the issue is him going AWOL. Lots of women go out and get pissed too, some even shock horror stay out all night and leave their husbands at home.

The conversation here is how he thinks is remotely acceptable to say he'll be home at 7pm and then not appear and be uncontactable!!

Even parents are allowed a social life.

He’s always been like this

I mean, you've written your own answer in your opening post.

Personally, I wouldn't choose to have a baby with someone who thinks it is acceptable to go out drinking for hours on end / someone who says they will be coming home and then doesn't / someone who thinks their need to relax with their mates is good enough reason to leave their partner doing all the care for their baby at home on a regular basis without making that even for their partner.

Op Im going to go against the grain here.

If its once a month and hes otherwise a good father, I think its more a setting boundaries issue than the actual going out with mates.

Personally I would sit down and have a conversation including how you understand he needs to unwind but its important you know roughly when he will be home and that hes contactable if you need him ie an emergency.

However you also need to explain that you also need down time and its important that it works both ways.

It sounds like you just need to communicate how you are feeling with him.

OP is breastfeeding and her baby is only 6 months. I assume that she isn't ready to go out all night and get pissed.

Her boyfriend sounds like a dick.