AIBU to think my mum is controlling with me and my son?

[keke2605]

Long story short I (27) have a 1 yo son.

My mum helps out a lot as the dad isn’t involved.

Today she had a play date planned with my son and her friend who also has a young son, to a play area.

Last night I stayed at my mum’s house with my son. Through the night my son started with a fever. He was hot and he was tossing and turning all night.

This morning he was hot again and I’ve given him medicine. He’s ok in his self but is still not quite 100%.

I said to my mum that I would prefer him to come home with me and rest instead of going out to play with kids. She’s completely gone off on one on me saying how the day was planned and payed for and that the other child was excited to go with my child.

Long story short, she’s taken him when I wanted to take him home. I’ve tried to get into the room to get my son and she’s blocked the door. She told me that my son isn’t unwell and that I was keeping him from having a good time.

Even though she does a lot for us I really think that she tries to take over my parenting and it’s really concerning to me.

That sounds absolutely awful. You must assert yourself as the child’s parent. Grandparent must back off

Sorry, there's not a chance that any other adult would be blocking me from my child, unwell or otherwise.

A one year old child who is feeling poorly should not be out and about, potentially risking making other children unwell too.

Your mum needs to step back massively. Not her baby, not her call. She sounds like a bully.

That is hugely unreasonable, absolutely need to draw a really firm clear boundary that when it comes to your child's health and wellbeing YOU call the shots.

It sounds like you might need to build a support network outside of your mum, as if it's got to this stage she's gotten used to taking the reins.

How is your son now?

That's terrible OP. Do you need so much help from her? I would try and back off and see less of her. She is acting like your child's parent. Blocking the door so you couldn't get to your son is abusive. You are his mum and if you have concerns about him being too unwell to go out, your mum should comply with your wishes. I'm sure her friend will be delighted if your son passes his illness onto her child.

My parents do a lot for me but it doesn't mean that they can disregard my feelings and parenting. I let a lot go but I will call them out if they have done something I don't agree with.

Just because she helps you out a lot it doesn't mean she can take your ill child against your wishes and block access. Go and get your child right now and tell your mum she will not treat you like a child

Which medicine did you give him?
And why have you not taken him to the doctor if he has a fever?
He should not be going to a playdate with a fever. End of.

She shouldn't be blocking you from your son. That goes beyond controlling. However much she helps, this behaviour is unhealthy and deeply wrong. The only circumstances to intervene between a mother and child like that would be if he were in danger. Absolutely no excuse or justification otherwise. She is also making a very bad choice that puts her wishes ahead of your sons wellbeing. This is not a good dynamic.

This is awful, go and get him back! Completely inappropriate on so many levels, you need to draw a firm boundary and seriously consider whether it is appropriate for her to be involved at all.

This would be the first and last time she blocked me from my child if I were you. Get your child when she comes out of the room, take him home and get firm boundaries in place with your mother. This is outrageous behaviour from her.

Definitely start setting boundaries with her. She is helping you but she can’t dictate to you when it comes to your son.

“I’ve tried to get into the room to get my son and she’s blocked the door.”

This is outrageous. YOU are the parent; you decide what’s best for your child. I wouldn’t be going round there for a bit, and when she asks why, tell that you don’t appreciate having your son who has a temperature kidnapped and taken in spite of your wishes to a play date just because she wants him to go. She will accuse you of being unreasonable, but you are the parent, and you decide what is in your son’s best interests. You really need to address this now, otherwise it will happen again. You have the whip hand: he’s your son, and if your mother wants to see him, she is jolly well going to have to learn that it’s on your terms.

I had similar issues when my son was born. Mum was VERY assertive and insisted she knew best after all "it never did you (me) any harm!".

I learned very quickly to install firm boundaries. No, I was not going to give him formula, no he was not getting solid food before 6 months old..... etc. It was painful to begin with but eventually she learned not to bother trying to push her ideas on to me.

Even though she does a lot for us I really think that she tries to take over my parenting and it’s really concerning to me.

It’s easy for boundaries to get blurred when a grandparent is heavily involved but it’s up to you to assert yourself. You’re 27 and you don’t live at home. No one should be stopping you from leaving with your child.

No, this is all kinds of wrong, OP, you need to stand up to her and put her in her place — YOU are the mother here. It can be really difficult to recognise controlling/abusive/bullying behaviour when it’s your own mum (it took me four decades)

Oh wow, your mum is so out of order on this.

On another note, the baby is ONE. They don't give a crap (pardon language) about seeing other children at this age! They just want to be with their mums.
If the other child is 1-2 years old, they won't even notice a cancelled play date.

This was all about what your own mum wants and she had no concern for the baby.

Awful!

Completely unacceptable, shocking actually.

Your son is still a baby at just one years old. If he's even the tiniest bit below par what he needs most in the world is his mum, and that over-rides anything, including any plans your mother may have made.

Keep your cool while you tell your mum your son needs his mum and if she continues to block your access to him you will call the Police. Find the number so you have it ready (don't call 999) and dial it immediately if it looks like your mum isn't listening. If she can hear the call through the door where she is holding your baby, so much the better. Keep calm throughout, even if she starts raving.

Then take your baby home and re-think your plans for future childcare.

Scary stuff. She shouldn't behave like this and you shouldn't allow her to. It must be very hard having to rely on someone who over rides your feelings like this. Could you somehow extend your support network?

You don't need a Dr every time a child has a temperature.

If someone 'blocked the door' to prevent me from getting to my child I'd call the police. And it would probably be the last time they saw them for quite a while. It would certainly be the last time they were ever left unsupervised with them.

Where is your anger? Why are you being so passive?

@keke2605 so sorry to hear this and I hope you implement massive boundaries with her after this if you continue to allow her a space in your lives.

Anyone who disregarded my wishes around my ill child and/or took them without my consent and/or blocked me from getting them would never be trusted again.

I would be turning up at the play date and taking my child home.

I would ask my mother for any keys she had to my house.

I would explain privately if possible to my mother that I appreciate the help she’s given but she’s crossed several lines lately and today’s behaviour was the last straw. If she ever tried anything like that again (taking son or blocking me from getting to him) I’d be contacting the police.

going forward what boundaries/rules do you want. What do you want the relationship to look and feel like.

and none of this - ‘but I want his grandmother to have a relationship with him/he loves her and would miss her’ etc. he’s 1 and will get over it and she doesn’t deserve a relationship if she can’t be trusted.

Be aware of the risks of escalation if you let this go.

It's taken her a year to feel comfortable that's she's able to take your child without your agreement for a few hours and block your access to them.

In two years maybe that sense of entitlement will see her refusing to let you take your three year old home on Friday night and insisting she keeps them weekends.

Maybe by age 7 you'll be begging her for access and wondering what the hell happened.

she’s taken him when I wanted to take him home. I’ve tried to get into the room to get my son and she’s blocked the door

Your mother needs to receive consequences for this.
You need to have very strong words with her - let it be a flaming row if that is how it turns out.
Do not back down.
Then don't go and see her for several weeks. You will just have to manage on your own.
Don't let her near your baby until she apologises profusely and shows she understands how out-of-order she was.

Don't let this go. You have to make a stand.

Good grief this is awful. What does she think she’s doing? A one year old gets no benefit from play dates, it’s all for the adults, which is fine but he is not missing out be not going.

You’re really going to have to assert yourself. Any thing like this again and she won’t have any contact with either of you. She thinks because you need her she can do what she likes.

Your mum is being massively out of order and if you want to stop this from happening over and over you need to take a massive step back and not rely on her at all. There’s nothing wrong with getting help from family especially when you’re a single parent but unfortunately for you your mother is apparently using this help as a way to have control over you and undermine you as a mum.

This sounds like the sort of stunt my mother would have pulled when my child was little. OP, please nip it in the bud now, it will only get worse.
Sometimes going it alone is scary but sometimes family “support” is more frightening.