Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Reading this has made me feel very fortunate to have lovely and welcoming neighbours in both our London neighbourhood and the town where we have a second home.

We're only in the place with our second home about 10-12 weeks a year and have been invited to loads of dinners and parties and welcomed in helping out with the food bank, a local wildlife conservation charity and events around supporting a local museum. The butcher and the woman at the coffee shop both remember our names and are always happy to have a chat and tell us anything new in the area. Our neighbours have offered help many times with sharing resources and we've been able to reciprocate (i.e. we have a generator so have offered them use of our house/shower/cooking facilities during power outages).

🤣🤣

This is you @IMustConfess, isn't it?

Totally agree with this- can’t understand how so many people on Mumsnet say how unfriendly London is-i have lived here 30 years and know all my neighbours and it is friendly - and I have lived in various parts of it

Oh God, it gets worse! Like they can't be arsed to pay a local resident to caretake but want you to do it. Because " community".

She is a user.

Sounds like you've given really mixed messages you remind me of Regina George in mean girls

I get where you're coming from OP. We live in a tourist trap location in the West Country and have loads of people like this knocking about. I had one CF second home owner recently patronisingly tell me they'd owned their house so long they'd introduce me to people in the village. No thanks, we live here and our kids go to school here, I think we're okay thanks. This was before trying to get me to agree to a list of jobs to help them with their property. I also didn't mention that they were notorious in the village as being CFs and had a very poor reputation amongst the locals so no way did I want to be associated with them!

Mostly people who live here put up with tourists because its part of the economy but its the second home owners that are worse. Houses that stand empty for the vast majority of the year whilst there are people desperately waiting for council accommodation. Someone always trots out the bollocks of if locals didn't sell to them there wouldn't be second homes. But realistically its much more complex than that. That's just an excuse for unethical property ownership. Ironically most of the second home owners are the champagne socialist Liberal types, complete hypocrisy.

So my advice to you is be less available and don't answer texts too often. You're being used as unofficial PA and social activities director.

She’s being a bit much. If she wants to know what’s going on she needs to invest the time and build the connections herself- you’re not her friends (yet) - she can’t expect you all to basically sort a social life for her for 10 weeks of the year.
are there any community Facebook groups/ meet up groups that you can point her in the direction of instead of her relying on you for local events?

OP, they're entitled wankers- how anyone can be this self unaware beats me.

I wouldn't dare buy a 2nd home in the middle of a community, leaving it empty for weeks or with a merry-go-round of different people staying at other times- it's unbelievably selfish. People like this fuck up communities.

BUT there are a particular number of people who don't live here all the time who make you feel like you are a sort of bit part actor in a holiday theme park, only there to provide atmosphere and local colour. This couple are giving me that vibe!

Yes. Never any questions about me/us, no commitment to any of the worthy causes/ groups in the village. They went to the fete soon after they moved in and took photos of themselves with people whose named they didn't know, then posted them on FB with 'meeting the locals captions'. A strong 'what can you offer us?' vibe but nothing in return.

Astonished that if a stranger offers a mass invite to a barbecue on the basis that they want to get to know the locals, you're obliged to invite them to yours. What if you're really not keen on them, or you just never host? I have good friends who've eaten at my place many times but don't cook or entertain.

Absolutely! We bought a house in France for holidays. We went there often as it was only a three hour trip from our house on the Kent coast to our village. We trod very carefully, smiling and greeting people but not pushing in. We initially introduced ourselves to the ‘Maire’ which gave us brownie points. We supported local boot fairs etc. We were very careful to do things their way and not try to foist our British ways onto them. After a while, people gradually invited us for coffee, which we then reciprocated. People soon realised that we just wanted to fit in, not change things. After all, if we’d wanted things to be done the British way, we would have stayed in the UK.
Slowly and carefully is the way to settle into a new village/town, be it in the UK or abroad. Things will fall into place once the villagers see you are on the village’s side and no threat.

if you aren’t friends and you don’t want her to be involved in your life, why on earth did you invite her to your book club? Don’t you know anything about how book clubs work? You don’t invite anyone to book club unless you are already certain that you’d be happy for them to join! Why would you do that to her?

You are not being unreasonable. As someone who would love to own a second home in a place I've been holidaying all my life I wouldn't spend 3 months of the year there and expect that sort of behaviour from my neighbours. It's quite egotistical to think that the world stops for me or that you must arrange the local book club around my visits.

I would consider that maybe this is them testing the waters or settling in slowly before they fully retire to the area? Maybe that may give you a different perspective. But yes, I would find the attitude annoying. It comes across as thought they assume the whole community should find their company so pleasurable that you must all think about them and their plans (possibly hundereds of miles away) when making your own plans.

Could you politely maybe mention that the (community) world doesn't stop turning when they leave?

It sounds like it might be a case of 2 extroverts trying to make friends with a village of introverts. A bit of a mismatch!

I get your point. Part-time villagers expecting to have life revolve around them on their infrequent visits. It's perfectly fine to say hi, exchange small talk and so on but you can't sustain a relationship of any sort on 10 weeks.

So set the relationship up on that basis. Friendly but only if you want their company. They can't demand it just to make themselves feel part of a community. It's unrealistic to assume you're a stalwart volunteer, friend, book club member when you contribute nothing most of the year.

Villages die out due to 2nd home owners

Bet you she is not asking for the book club meet up to be arranged around her. Because I don’t know a single adult who would expect that, do you?

shes probably said how much she enjoyed being apart of it last time and she’d like to come along next time she’s there.

Op is Mapp of Mapp and Lucia.

Wow. And people say Londoners are unfriendly. 😳

What a thread. .

YANBU

It's all a bit Midsomer where you are isn't OP?

You sound horrible.

@SweetSixty made a great suggestion up thread. But I do get a vibe of them being quite patronizing to the locals, I can imagine they act like you've never been exposed to art or culture and that you little people are lucky to have some erudite neighbors. I think they've behaved quite presumptuously. I certainly wouldn't be rescheduling events to fit their diary.
Try and channel their energy another direction, if that fails put a little distance up.

Next time she asks what is happening, tell her about the good causes she can volunteer for. If she shows zero interest say to her that villages work by everyone contributing.
Also start asking her to do things for you e.g. when you come down from London next time, can you bring me a named food item from an independent shop.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Maybe.....I think you've just had enough, feel a bit claustrophobic and need a moan.

As someone from Wales in an area besieged by holiday home owners, I found this post very amusing.

They're on a different planet OP.

In their heads, everybody is like them in that as soon as they're around the village, they feel fresh as a daisy, like they're on holiday.

I think it's really nice and sweet actually, and can understand why they'd feel hurt and confused when the enthusiasm and warmth isn't returned as much as they'd like.

In some cases, they are looking for the total opposite of what they have in the city in some areas, which is a much more transient population where it's quite normal to hardly know the names of the people next door. They'll also be used to things going on all the time around them, so as soon as they reach the village they think it's like a soft-focus 90s sitcom.

If you're finding it too much, just don't be as available.

Haha I can't believe the replies here 🤣

Op just block the stupid woman you are not obliged to do anything with her. Or leave her on read, you don't have to reply or even acknowledge her, you doing do is sending mixed messages.

I can't stand people like this, it's so crass and assuming.