Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

They have been there 2 years.

Chances are they are looking to move to the new place longer term and looking to segue into the local area.

You don't have to be gushing. You can ignore them and be frosty. Or you could recognise that this may be a long term neighbour who you may want to be on speaking terms with. If you don't want to invite her to book club, don't. If she invites you to dinner and you don't want to go then don't.

I think YABU.

New people are moving in next door, we’re in London commuter territory and I’m dreading it, they’ve tried to be friendly and I’m just not interested. I know, I’m a bad person! Our plan is to move rurally in a year or so, we don’t want neighbours, I’d be appalled to have neighbours wanting to be friendly! Genuinely, I am so disinterested in socialising.

I think in your case, OP, if you’re happy to hang out with her, fine, but as you say, you’re just living your life, you’re not tourist info. She shouldn’t be trying to dictate when your book club meets! I’d actually ask her to stop family knocking on your door, that would drive me nuts.

We're not friends. It's not a two-way relationship. It's all about what I (and the other residents) can offer or do for them. Not what they can do for us. It's like we're a resource, and they assume we'll all be thrilled to know them and do little favours for them. Would we water the garden, would I ask the man who's coming to clean out my gutters to clean theirs too (and would I pay for them and they'll settle with me next time they're down).

The thing is, from their perspective, they move down and are friendly, you're 'lovely to them' and take them to local clubs etc. Then you're surprised that they think you're friends?
If you're lovely to their faces and talk unpleasantly with neighbours and online about them behind their backs, I'm not sure it's their behaviour that's at fault.
If their expectations are too much, why not just use your words and gently let them know?

Why don't you just be nice?

So don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

But if they kept themselves to themselves and didn’t try and involve themselves in the local
community, you’d all be pissed off at that too right?

Bloody hell it's unfriendly in the countryside!

By the sounds of it they are trying to get to know people and are going about it in a different way than you're accustomed to.

The point is that they are making an effort. Do they come across as nice enough people? What about giving them a chance instead of doing the whole insiders/outsiders thing.

Do you have a reason to not want to be friendly with her? If she had moved down from London on a permanent basis would you feel more inclined to be mates with her? It's one thing if she's just not your cup of tea, but it sounds like you're being a bit prejudiced. I mean, she's not there all the time. If she was cold, rude and unwelcoming to the locals then surely you'd dislike her even more. Wouldn't you want to be friendly if you were in her shoes?

They're just trying to nake friends. Is that so bad?

When they next ask what’s going on in the ‘community’ just tell them they’ll have to spend more time there to know and be properly involved.

But if they just showed up for 10 weeks a year and kept themselves to themselves you'd be complaining about that too - second homers buying a place and not wanting to get involved.
They can't do right for doing wrong.

I don't think they were assuming everyone would love them as soon as they "waltzed in" as you put it. They are trying to be friendly and get to know people.
What would you rather they did?

There's a middle way that might involve starting gently, listening to the locals, offering something to the community rather than just expecting to be entertained and supported. In time you work out which people you really like and want to spend time with and the people best avoided at all costs.

They sound like active, motivated people.
Don't you have any local charities or fund raising things you can point them towards? They'd get to meet people and contribute to the community.
The village would benefit from their energy and enthusiasm.

My experience is that small coastal villages need all the youngish, interested volunteers they can get to run the fete, keep the local fire station open and fund the new slates on the church roof.

That way you might all be able to benefit.

They made the effort to invite a few "locals" to dinner, so it's not just a one-way relationship and about what others can do for them. In my opinion it's bad manners if people accepted the invitation and didn't reciprocate.

Yabu

I actually feel a bit sorry for them

I bet they don't want to be friends with their neighbours in London. I lived there for 20 years and the way people survive in London is by limiting contact with the neighbours to an occasional polite 'Hello.' But somehow here in the country it's different.

It sounds like she’s under the mistaken impression that you are friends with her. Why put so much energy into disliking someone for making an effort. Honestly it’s the thing I like least about some parts of England, treating people like they’re not worth knowing because you didn’t go to primary school with them.

She could be lovely if you gave her a chance, you might have things in common, share a laugh - I have friends I only see a few times a year and I still love seeing them - I don’t grumble about them not being around all the time. You never know she could be planning on retiring in a few years and making a permanent move. A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet!

She seems to see you as a resource. The friendly local,. An instant friend without, as you point out, having done the years-long business of building that friendship.

Also, pointing you out as the go-to person for other people who use the house? Not on.

Also, where is the reciprocation that comes with solid friendship?

She has taken your friendliness for friendship and is, IMHO, overstepping boundaries in ways that I would consider CF-ery within even good friendships.

Your post provides a very interesting perspective on this kind of situation.

If second homers are so bad, why do locals keep selling their houses to them? Sell out or keep it local. You can't have it both ways.

It sounds like you’re facilitating their country life. I would keep on nodding terms but push back on doing stuff for them re their house. Just maintain a friendly distance.

I get it, OP - they seem to think they're bestowing their wonderful company on others, and are bound to be welcomed with open arms. A bit of humility and 'putting out feelers' (ugh - sorry!) more gently and 'organically' might be a better approach.

I'm sure they're good, well-meaning people - but a bit full of themselves, perhaps? Irritating rather than unpleasant. And possibly, if they've come from London and been used to all the metropolis can offer, they need to just chill out a bit when in your area - and not expect excitement and entertainment all the time - especially if they're expecting others to keep them informed or provide it for them.

I think you need to find words to pepper your sentences with to make it clear where she stands. I mean make it clear that she is work, not fun, and if necessary charge her for the entertainments. Or be blunt and tell her that she is a CF, but in some nicer language.