Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

I have lived somewhere similar and I get what you mean. I think the thing is to be friendly, but also to have boundaries regarding what you will and will not do. So your book club meets when it suits them, not her. You take her along to events that suit you and go alone when you don't want her company etc. I think they are just trying to be friendly, and nothing wrong with that, but they are maybe not going about it in quite the right way.

I get you OP, I live in a second home village as well. First, adopt a resting bitch face. Then if they ask what’s going in, who’s doing what just shrug, no idea, maybe look online? And disappear.
Don’t arrange anything, don’t invite them to anything. If they’re that desperate to join in the community they’ll find out what is happening and where.

( biggest second home CF I had , years ago different village, came home to find my rotary line full of laundry. Ndn breezily said they hadn’t had time to put up a line yet and she didn’t think I’d mind….. I bloody did, also tried sending her kid to play in my garden as it was bigger than theirs..)

You'll have to asked the son of my late neighbour. He lives in Canada.

They expected you to look after their garden, then pay for their gutters to be cleaned and just "settle up" in a month or so when they popped back?
I don't know how anyone could say you are unreasonable for thinking that's incredibly cheeky.

I see that the anti-English button has been pushed. I'm not English. I don't live in England. The second-homers aren't English either.

Well that’s not true at all. But asking you to pay the gutter guy is just CF.

I live in the Scottish Borders. Fair few holiday properties around here. There are some people who are from here just don't like anyone who isn't (we're not, although I grew up mostly in Scotland, my parents aren't Scottish and DH is English) and we had hostility even as "outsiders" who permanently moved here. I try to be pleasant to the holiday homers and newbies, it's not nice to be excluded and in a rural community you do need to look out for each other. But the trying too hard, I can see that's a bit irritating, and not everybody wants to host dinners and get togethers.

It's nice that she cares what goes on in the local area though, some people don't mind anything but their own patch and don't help out when needed.

I think it's hard if you don't live somewhere like this to quite understand how it feels. I (luckily) live in a village in peak 'British rural seaside idyll holiday' country, we have a lot of second home owners and tonnes of holiday makers and are stupid friendly to them all because we know they bring all the money and keep our electricians and plumbers employed so they are there when we need them too. BUT there are a particular number of people who don't live here all the time who make you feel like you are a sort of bit part actor in a holiday theme park, only there to provide atmosphere and local colour. This couple are giving me that vibe!

I moved to a coastal village and quietly put out feelers. I worked in a local charity, volunteered in another, helped out in the library, went to church, shopped local, had a quiet drink in the local pub two or three times a week and said good evening to everyone when I arrived and left. My dog and I walked for hours on the beaches and moors and said good morning or smiled at people every day. I went along to the panto, am dram, Christmas and summer fairs and helped my elderly neighbours with their gardens.

It was the most unwelcoming, unfriendly place I have ever lived and I've lived in city centres. People, whether lifelong locals with 8 generations in the church yard, or well to do people who'd retired from the city, weren't interested. Many would actively turn their head to avoid smiling.

One day I passed a neighbour who I saw and greeted most days. She asked, 'Are you down for the weekend then?' and I had to say, 'No, I live here full time and have done so for two years'.

I moved back to a town on the outskirts of a city. Nobody cares who you are or where you've come from, they just welcome you and it's the friendliest place I've ever lived. Escape to the Country makes my blood run cold.

That's just being a CF though isn't it. I've met people like this. They were in a national trust cafe at the next table, husband and wife with a teenage daughter, obviously your typical Ra Ra types, 'look at us' loud performative talking about money and materialistic things, expensive schools ya ya. I was sleep deprived with a 1 month old and enjoying a long awaiting day out at a beautiful destination. There was some brief pleasantries exchanged and conversation initiated by then, I was just minding my own business. The woman then asked me to give my child to her for a cuddle. I remember just looking aghast thinking..I don't know this women. Then the husband joined in oh just let her have a cuddle. As if she was the F-ing queen or something? No I will not hand my child over to you for a 'cuddle' after a one minute exchange of small talk, you weirdo. Some people just have zero boundaries and think they can invite themselves into your life without taking the long route of actually getting to know you! I'm an introvert and there is no way that approach works with me, it actually does the opposite and makes me shrink away from the person! They also think they are gods gift to the world and everyone else should kiss the ground they walk on. I e they have a penny themselves. Sounds a lot like your part time neighbours really! I can see that some of it sounds like you are being mean but also they do sound like forceful self interested characters. Would not be my cup of tea that's for sure!

I know she sounds a bit full on. But from her side, she could have posted here about how terribly lonely she is and been told she's not trying hard enough.

Poor woman just wants to be friendly. How very dare she?

"I bet they don't want to be friends with their neighbours in London. I lived there for 20 years and the way people survive in London is by limiting contact with the neighbours to an occasional polite 'Hello.' But somehow here in the country it's different."

I find this perspective very interesting and possibly indicates your own mindset re neighbours and community.

Born and bred in London and been here most of my adult life, I think Londoners have an amazing sense of community. On my very urban street you can't sneeze without several people offering to get you some groceries and drop them in, despite the fact we have several apps that could have them delivered same day.

When lockdown hit, within a week an old phone and sim was found amongst the neighbours and local streets flyered in multiple languages offering a helpline and assistance to anyone in need.

Hell we even have a spreadsheet on our WhatsApp group of tools available on the street to borrow. And the moment anything is wrong with your house loads of people are out to try and help.

But I think the key difference is that cities have transient populations and an immigration is seen as normal / a benefit for the economy and community. I get that this feels very different in smaller communities and the impact is different - but in London being an incomer or frequently absent isn't seen / noticed as a negative.

I agree. Since she thinks you are such good friends invite yourself to her London community.

Does sound like they expect you to provide assistance to them, but without having to commit the time to repaying.

Hopefully they will move in long term, and then they can start repaying and being part of the community, it does sound like they want to be involved- will be quite nice when they can be cutting your grass when you are away or taking in parcels when you’ve gone out for the day.

I live in a remote peaceful coastal village we have a few second home owners one messages me the day before she turns up invites me for dinner or I invite her participates in any village activities uses the local shop etc.
I’ve got no problem with this and neither has my fellow villagers. We are a tiny community and welcome everyone especially those who want to join in with village activities the more the merrier. We love where we live and feel very lucky to live here and we’re happy to share our good fortune.

Get them actually doing something to contribute. They can go on the rota for cleaning the church or church flowers. They can get on the fete committee or village hall committee. They can then socialise there.

Being uneasy about someone you only met just recently and with whom you have no established friendship deciding that, from now on, you are their bestie and they want a share in your life. Whenever they bowl up to where you live. And they want you to provide a similar service to their friends and family too,, whom you know even.less well.

That is not being difficult. That is them beung inappropriately over-familiar to the point of entitlement.

Pretentious! Moi?! I'd be furious if someone treated me like that. I actively avoid people like that as you are merely a resource that fits into their 'oh, so fashionable' life style. Grey rock, brief greetings. You don't need this. Enjoy your own life.

Exactly this. Also, I kind of feel like they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they were unfriendly and made no effort to become involved in the 'local community' you'd probably be moaning about that too, right? If you're finding them a bit much, then just take a step back - be friendly but not too friendly and they'll soon get the hint. But honestly, not everyone has the luxury of living in the countryside where they can be gardeners, artists etc. Some people need jobs and most of those are found in the towns and cities - I think you're being overly harsh and a bit miserable to be honest.

why can’t everyone just be kind? we’re all human beings just trying to live our lives.

if you don’t like your neighbours, that’s fine, you don’t have to invite them to things. If you do, then enjoy the time you spend together when they are visiting from London. Don't come on here bitching about them. I feel sorry for them.

It does sound a bit full on but what would you rather people did? Keep to themselves, talk to no one, stay isolated and not bother trying to integrate? If you actually would rather this then it sounds like the problem is you.. you could at least try giving them a chance

Also, I bet if they made no effort to get to know you all, you’d all be thinking how snobby and rude they are for not getting involved in the community.

Ive lived in a small village once and people that have this attitude are rife. I’ve found people in big cities much kinder.