Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

You’ve got a lot to say about a place you have never lived in. I however lived in North London for 28 years, so many of my friends and family remain nearby and my hairdresser too. I also worked for a company based on the Lock, so Camden has been a constant for me. You seem overly dramatic and awfully defensive - is that a Libertine fan thing? sighs

@DieStrassensindimmernass

We don’t know what this woman’s motivation is. We only have the OP’s very ungenerous interpretation. She seems to assume the worst possible intentions purely on the basis that she’s a second homer.

I mean I can understand finding this woman irritating. What I find unpleasant is the assumption that anyone who is “not from round here” and who makes any friendly overtures must have dubious intentions and must be resisted, sneered at and talked about. It’s very small minded and unkind.

Someone who only spends 10 weeks a year in a place can't expect to become a full member of the community, though it’s understandable that they’d want to get along with the locals during their visits.

Perhaps this isn’t so much about her being a second homeowner, but more about her personality. It could be that she’s simply not the type of person you’d naturally connect with, which might explain why the situation feels a bit uncomfortable.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time OP. It’s perfectly clear what the problem is. They’re not trying to make genuine connections and finding organic ways to join in community stuff, they’re just turning up and expecting everyone to be a ready-made friend and dance to their tune. That is annoying and pushy, and not how you make friends. I don’t get the vibe that you’ve taken against them just for having a second home - your issue is HOW they’ve gone about things, and if they’d been more genuine you could’ve grown a friendship, but all they do is ask for favours.

On the hosting point - I hate cooking and my flat’s too small to host, so if new neighbours appeared and had a barbecue, no I would not reciprocate by having them over for dinner. I probably would invite them for a drink if I liked them, and as a more-the-merrier type I wouldn’t have had an issue with her tagging on to the book club (unless she’d already done stuff to piss me off by this point).

I disagree with your observations of London though. I do know my neighbours and have loads of friends in my local area, it’s a very friendly community!

i think you are being unfriendly

Some horrid bloody snobs outing themselves in this thread.

Actually most of the South East. Minimum wage is set at a national level and doesn't even come close to covering costs here. (We don't qualify for London living wage). I am certain I will have my adult DC living with me for a very long time to come. Their friends are also impacted. They have to drop out of college to support families financially by going full time work, then try to come back into education, but of course are older. That has funding implications. Several of their friends have multi-generational living and not from a culture where that might be considered normal and supportive. All down to how much money it takes to run a household in the South East. And yes businesses closing all over. 2 local businesses to me - well run, have been going for years, have announced their closure. The social media outcry is interesting - lots of supportive word salad, but clearly no real commitment to putting up the cash.

You proclaim to love Camden so much but appear totally unaware of it's musical links, I don't know how old you are but you don't seem to have an understanding of a Camden that I recognise, so you think The Libertines are dull, I'd hate to see what you think better represents the 'real' Camden as they literally have their musical roots there,.as did Amy Winehouse as did Blur but to you, 'oh so dull'. That was before Camden became a bit dull.

I don't have a distaste for wealthy types, and have an honest observation about London's wealth divide and the impact of that on creativity and excitement, I suppose I find that a bit depressing.

I didn't say Camden was a playground for the wealthy I said London is because large parts of it are with many homes sitting empty, that is a fact! So you expect me to avoid workplace and avoid my family and avoid the capital city because I hold a view that is accurate - how strange.

My DH was born and lived there - do think we may have some family connections. Equally, you didn't have to live in Camden to visit Camden, what don't you move around London or do you just stay in your locality 24/7.

🤣 good to know your hairdresser lives there.

Think it's a bit cheeky of her to assume that the book club meetings should be arranged on her days there

Not sure what that has to do with you? You are posting and you haven’t lived there. If my husband was born in New York, that wouldn’t mean I was. Camden has always been a tourist destination for people (like you), who aren’t from those parts but like to visit. If you find it so soul destroying, take your tourist trade (and your horrendous taste in music) elsewhere.

Can you actually read? Your spelling and grammar is atrocious too. I said my hairdresser is based there, ya know, for haircuts. Or do Libertine fans not cut or wash their hair? In homage to Doherty?

Point them in the direction of the community page on social media as being a good source of local info…

People often complain that second home owners don’t get involved in the community, these people are trying but that’s not good? Maybe eventually they want to move there permanently? She does sound quite needy and over the top but I don’t see the issue with her wanting to get to know people, she just needs some boundaries!

How old are you, you sound about 7 with your childish, playground nonsensical retorts.

Actually, it was a really good gig, I'm sure they'll be devastated you aren't a fan.

I’m glad you and all the other tourists enjoyed the show!

Not quite sure what all that quoting was for, apart from clogging up my emails.

the op is also not a local. She didn’t sent her kids to school there. Or worked there. Or ran a business there. She retired there, because, like the people next door, she thought it was a nice place to be. Now she wants to pull up the shutters and stop people from trying to join in like she did. Where are you drawing your moral line?

In some parts of the rural UK, you remain an outsider forever. Where I am, best to keep to yourself if you aren’t from the area, say the good morning and good evening pleasantries, donate the requisite amounts to the local events each year to prevent gossip, don’t ask for any favours, and let the locals get on with it. With the exception of two couples, my friends are not from around here…I travel to see them. Not upset about it, but just the way it is.

I was asked by the locals why I moved out here….I said I took a job as an academic at the local university…cue, why didn’t you work where you were from? I replied, in my profession people don’t have as much choice as to where they live. I could tell they thought I was from another planet. Maybe I am, LOL.

So your definition of a tourist is someone who is West Londoner visiting North London😐 You need to get out more, there's a whole world outside of the North circular!

She’s not stopping this woman from joining in. She’s just not organising it all for her.
We wouldn’t expect this from a man I bet.

I don’t think OP sounds like she has an issue that she’s a second home owner. I think she has a problem with her behaviour. It sounds like she desperately wants to be an entrenched member of the community from day one.

I live in a rural community with lots of part-time second home owners and I think you’re spot on… they need to consider what they can offer the community.
We have some really fantastic people who really get involved in village life even if they’re not here all the time.
You could suggest they join local committees/ village fete groups/ heritage groups / volunteer groups/ scholl
governors.

there’s usually a local Facebook group that provides all the info they seem to ask you for on what’s on locally.
I’d find it massively irritating to be used like this! And it sounds like you’ve been really polite.

You are not a novelty resource for these people, so it’s definitely reasonable to exercise boundaries (they seem a bit keen). But it feels like there is something else going on here.

Holiday homes and Airbnbs are a real sore spot where I live and locals hate them, is there some built up resentment over this? It seems like you’re being nice to her, but the ‘insular country people’ trope is definitely a real thing and it can be hard for people to integrate into these places because the locals just don’t like outsiders. I live in Norfolk, which is sort of known for this 🫢