Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Then she shouldn’t have started all this “second home” nonsense should she? I agree this woman sounds pushy but pinning it on being an incomer is a bit rich to me. The op openly says in her op it’s a place where people come in from the outside - like she did. Now she doesn’t want another woman to do what she did. It’s all a bit “local hippy village for local hippy village” to me.

I thought that was Cornwall! (but if people go about it in the right way they can win the locals round)

I agree with lots of PP about friendly neighbours in London, so for the other side of the coin, here's my experience of London as a non-Londoner. After my parent in London died (divorced from my other parent who'd moved away), their neighbours on one side were so friendly and helpful, gave lots of info, kept an eye on my parent's house, brought the bins back in a few times after we'd left. They'd also helped my elderly parent, who was mostly very independent, occasionally. We also gave or offered them stuff they wanted and we didn't. We had boundaries and didn't want to be those people who are users without giving back.

Maybe your neighbour texts to say she's coming so you know it's her and not intruders (having lived experience of London, where residents are very aware of crime and help eachother via Nextdoor and Whatsapp with info to stay safe?). We had to stay over at my parent's house in London to sort out all their stuff and find paperwork for probate, so for a year it was like a second home to us until it was sold. We couldn't do it all in one go, and we had to open the post and check the house was OK so went every 4-7 weeks. I used to text an hour before arriving to warn the neighbours we were coming so they were reassured it was us and not burglars, as they would hear that someone was in (sometimes drove, other times went by train so no car outside on those occasions), and we'd then have a chat over the garden fence. When they went away they arranged for another neighbour to keep an eye on both properties, so kind and considerate of them.

We'd like to live rurally when we retire but feeling very cautious about where to go!

YABU. This post is the essence of clique and I think you're all probably just a bit jealous of their lifestyle. How dare they want to make friends, the audacity!

It's nor about not being from there, it's about not living there permanently.

Eh?

You sound a little like them before they’re disturbed your rural idyll and just wanting to your own very ‘local’ status. You don’t own this piece of England. Just don’t answer your door if you think the arrivistes are knocking.

It's fairly common to quote the specific post you refer to, on a busy thread. 😬
OP lives there full time.
Neighbours are visiting.

You're just making tosh up. @BitOutOfPractice Where did I say I'm retired? I'm very much not retired. I'm fully employed. And you have no idea whether I sent my kids to school here. Or even whether I was born here and have returned to the area after 20 years in London. Please stop projecting.

Someone else has said that my neighbour tells me she's coming to visit and then tells me she's arrived safely in case I'm concerned about a car on the drive. I know her car, I don't need to be told she's got here safely. And I'm not worrying about strange cars on their drive. I'm not here to provide unofficial security services for them.

That's really unlikely. People who are sociable and friendly tend to be like that everywhere they go. I bet they are just as friendly to their neighbours back in London.

We live in London and have loved getting to know all our neighbours. There is a turnover of people moving in and out, as well as a core band of us who've been here years. We're always delighted to meet new people on the road, and open to invite them to get togethers etc.

I kind of sympathise that second homes can be responsible for hollowing out a village, meaning there are fewer opportunities for full time residents. And that in turn makes for fewer reliable friends who are there year round. It's a bit harsh to lay all that at these people's individual door - it's more of a social phenomenon.

But it's understandable, especially if they are constantly asking for favours without returning them. So 50/50 YABU/YANBU IMO.

They sound totally insufferable. They’re treating the people in the village as purely a resource, not people in their own right. Severe narcissists. You only exist to service them.

In your post at 19:41 you described Camden as (and I quote) ‘a playground for the wealthy like a Disney theme park’. This absolutely what you said, read back on your post. I’ve attached for your ease.

Born n bred Camdener here. Actually, the Roundhouse does a lot with local young people and has links with local schools. There's also WAC up the road and Camden Council provides a range of free and affordable music lessons.

I agree about the market. I preferred it in the 90s. I don't remember what it was like before the mid-late 80s, though.

So did you op? Do tell.

you openly say that that the area is full of people who come there for the vibe, like you. Why shouldn’t your neighbour? Her being pushy is a different issue (fwiw she would drive me mad too!)

Why do people accuse others of just being jealous? Its like high school, and is rarely true.

I'm quite surprised by how many people think YABU, but then I think most mumsnetters are londoners themselves.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
Who does she think she is? You can't just force your way in and expect a friendship immediately like that. These things take time.
It's actually quite rude and vulgar I think for her to be knocking on people's doors, what a cheek! She sounds like someone who is used to gettng what she wants. Also her 'the community' comments come across to me like she views your village as some sort of curiosity.
I don't think it's possible for part timers to ever be fully accepted into places like this where they just swan in and out as they please.
I would tell her in a kind way to back off.

Someone else has said that my neighbour tells me she's coming to visit and then tells me she's arrived safely in case I'm concerned about a car on the drive. I know her car, I don't need to be told she's got here safely. And I'm not worrying about strange cars on their drive. I'm not here to provide unofficial security services for them

Then just reply to the message saying “You don’t need to let me know me every time - I’m not your mother! Lol”.

But somehow I think you won’t.

Oh gosh I'm glad I live in boring old suburbia! Dull to look at but at least the people are tolerant of newcomers.We are nearly all from somewhere else originally.

I think they sound quite nice. Probably a bit desperate to prove they are not typical 2nd home owners whilst ironically behaving like typical 2nd home owners.
One of the reasons why I could never live in the villiage is that they have a reputation for being very cliquey. Yours sounds like a cliquey villiage I'm afraid.

I agree with Gingerman and malificent7 .

I think they sound invasive and entitled.

@IMustConfess

You hate them because they are from 'London, go to the theatre nice restaurants etc.'

Are you jealous?

That is your experience.

Maybe because you limited contact with neighbours this is not true of everyone else.

People in London do talk to neighbours 😱

Bloody hell is no one reading her posts? She is being nice but she.feels used! They seem to think she is just a resource for them, 'the little women that does'. This sounds just arrogant and cocky and little to do with real friendship.

She just needs to step back and leave messages unread etc. The more people help and are available the more some people will come to expect it.