Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Bit too full on for me but they’ll probably retire to it in a few years

I have a half-case of wine delivered before last Christmas. Which of course was appreciated.

I get it. I'm a horrible hypocritical person and a dreadful snobby neighbour and they deserve better. And simultaneously I'm far too nice and have brought this all on myself by being too accommodating. I love MN!

What a fuss about nothing. Fgs OP, if these people didn't speak to you, you'd be moaning "Oh these INCOMERS who come here part-time and don't want to integrate..., rah rah rah."

Just admit it, you don't like 'second homers.'

FYI, you do not the village. Nobody owns anywhere.

I don’t think it’s the fact they’re second homers that’s the core of the issue here, it’s the fact that they’re CFs.

YANBU OP, you should just politely make yourself less available.

If you're that worked up about, why give out your telephone number in the first place?

I would never accept the keys to someone else's home. Don't want to be that intimate with neighbours.

I live on a very friendly street in a small city. The street WhatsApp group is very active and people help each other out a lot. However certain members of the group are more ‘takers’ than givers (a pattern that emerges over time), so I’m less inclined to go out of my way to meet their requests for favours.

Even with full time neighbours, some are lovely and thoughtful and others are less so. I suspect the OP’s second homers might be annoying even they lived in her community year round!

I'm a horrible hypocritical person and a dreadful snobby neighbour and they deserve better. And simultaneously I'm far too nice and have brought this all on myself by being too accommodating.

What else did you want from this thread OP?

Whereabouts are you, OP?

She's in Tilling.

OP, for what it's worth I think you sound like a nice, normal and decent person and neighbour.
Your neighbours sound like cheeky feckers who've gradually started treating you like (unpaid) staff/housekeeping/caretaking. In your shoes I'd be inclined to become very unavailable very quickly: eg don't respond to calls/messages for a day or so, random relatives knock on the door "oh, sorry can't talk now, I'm on the phone". They'll soon start to get the message....

You seem to be talking from a nonchalant position of privilege. How lucky to be this way, to afford being like that.

If you're working class, or even middle class these days in London, and you are being pushed out of your neighbourhood because of soaring house prices or rocketing rents caused by investors or holiday lets, people care. It matters.

You're getting a hard time on here OP.

I can see both sides.

The neighbours bought a 2nd home, plan to spend significant part of their free time there and want to make friends and feel connected to the place and people. This is ok. However you feel about 2nd home owner impact on community, people are allowed to buy them.

The neighbours are expecting you to arrange house maintenance, on-call for their guests, be source of information and entertainment options. This is only ok if you like them, are happy to help them out and enjoy spending your time with them doing favours. You don't seem to be, so you need to be less available, less knowledgeable, be clear that you are busy, occupied with your own life/house maintenance/whatever.

They might be entitled twunts, but you might be unfriendly and inassertive.

Or she could launch a business as a vacation home property manager.

I sometimes stay in rural Air BnBs and always say hello to the neighbours out of politeness when passing. Very often they seem to like to chat, they're interested in where we're from, the dog, what we're doing there and volunteer lots of information about the place. I am certain we don't force ourselves on them.

Two weeks ago I had a week in a cottage in Herefordshire and whilst I was there the elderly man next door asked me to put his bins out for him and in return gave me a box of apples. It was lovely.

I agree, people do absolutely care, DH and I were born and grew up in London, the parts that are gentrified now and where we are now has sadly gone the same way as London and is unaffordable and the tone of the place is changing as lots of investment properties but no one in them permanently!

There has to be money in that.
Gardening, cleaning, getting food in, arranging tradesmen, putting out seasonal flower pots, receiving parcels/logs, putting up a Christmas tree.

God, what an idea.

Oh for heaven's sake. 🫣

Yup. Happy to do so.
However it's legislation around holiday homes/second homes which needs looking at.

No need for that.
I am certainly not going to respond in kind with silly remarks and emojis.

Fair dos. That's a valid opinion.
It's going to curtail freedom of course, but maybe people would be up for that.

@BettyBardMacDonald This got my imagination going.

I'm envisioning the OP saying - 'Oh hi lovely to see you again! Well the main update is that I'm starting my own tourism / community consulting business for holiday home owners that have moved to the area! Would you like to be my first clients?'

I reckon they'd go silent after that.

@SweetSixty Someone else had similar ideas I see 😁

It's a justified remark.
Feel free not to respond though. 🫣

I have no issue with holiday accommodation existing per se, but it has to be regulated, perhaps even purpose built.
Where I live there's a crazy shortage of affordable rentals - more 2 to 3 bed family home type houses are being built, but wealthy people snap them up to rent out to tourists, preventing either long term rental or even purchase by folk who actually need a home.

Also OP, next time their relatives come round, I want you to give it a 110% - put a teatowel on your head, and when you see them approaching the door, you need to open the window and scream -

WE DIDN'T BURN HIM!!!!

Watching with interest.
My father is Cornish and my parents have a second home down there (and have done for 25yrs), which I use. It’s a leasehold condition that lets are >6 months, so no Air BnB. I have lived and worked down there a few times, for 6 months at a time, and we have friends and a very small amount of remaining
family.

We now text if a friend is using the flat or someone is driving an unfamiliar car, as otherwise there is a succession of calls / WhatsApp’s / emails. We are not expecting the neighbours to do anything (although if it’s my family we often arrange coffee / a drink), but letting them know so they are not alarmed by the strange car or lights on.
Your Neighbour may be the same…