Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

It's still generating income for someone instead of being purchased as a family home.

Damn those blow ins, ruining your artistic seaside vibe with their friendliness and hospitality! Bastards!

Eh?
Have you missed all the posts regarding the part time residents asking full time residents to do stuff for them?

I know locals in these places love second home owners and have no issue with youngsters being priced out of the market. Every day's a school day.

I was born and raised in a big city in what was pretty much a slum in the 1960s.
By the time I married and bought a house in the 1980s the area was so gentrified (and filled with what were then called YUPPIE) I had to buy 8 miles away on the other side of the city as that was the only place I could afford.

The being priced out is not an exclusively rural/coastal issue. I don't know why country people think it is....perhaps because they think Townies are a thing apart and don't matter.

@IMustConfess I would probably say to them something along the lines of "now you are settled and here quite frequently, why don't I pop a note with all the relevant trades people through your door for you, and by the way there is a local village mag/FB page where you can keep up to date with village information which you can sign up to. That way you can feel really part of the village rather than having to be introduced by me".

This isn't a neighbour issue per se, but a boundary issue on your part. Just pop in some polite and (to all intents and purposes) well meaning boundaries and crack on.

Our village has a monthly mag people can subscribe to and it covers all the events and local people who can help, plus the FB page is more than enough to integrate.

They are free to buy in the village. They can't afford to. That's the issue. There is no law preventing them from buying any property, there or anywhere else. Therefore we are all free to buy wherever. The usual issue preventing this is cost.
I can't afford to live where I grew up. I am totally free to buy a property there. I can't afford it.
So I live elsewhere, which fortunately isn't populated by the inhabitants of Royston Vasey (qv)

The problem here isn't a rural/urban, full time home owner/second homer, Down From London/countryman thing.

It's an OP being unable to set boundaries thing. She's made herself seem like a friend willing to help despite not being willing to do so.

She could turn this off today if she had the balls/social skill.

😂
Poor second homer....
"Open your arms, so selfishly folded close to your body", and accept them!
They are just a human being.
Happy my second home is in another country, albeit given the situation nowadays it's definitely no win.

Those people who are in favour of laws preventing the freedom of people to buy property in certain areas should consider that the OP did that very thing.

In our village there is a two tier system. All silver surfer incomers are generally mates and socialise and the locals interact politely but so their own thing.

you have a separate issue which is you need to establish boundaries with a woman who sounds a bit overbearing.

Why is that @Meganssweatycrotch ?

I would find jt all a bit jarring given that people like that have presumably driven up house prices for the whole community which isn’t necessarily a good thing if you are a true local. And I bet their houses are empty in January which isn’t exactly good for the community

thaf all said, I’d probably play along if they were the sort of people I was happy to hang out with. They sound a bit overbearing tho.

That is friendly and, if the OP could engage and set boundaries that she's happy with (as most functioning adults do) she could have a happy quid pro quo thing going on with her neighbour.

I don't think you understand what quid pro quo means. It means helping each other out. I help you, you help me. My neighbours are here on holiday, often with friends or relatives, for 10 weeks of the year. Most of their visits are long weekends: three or four days. They're not available to water my garden or check my house for leaks or feed my cat. They come at short notice. Sometimes they say they'll be here but cancel if the weather forecast is bad. They are not ordinary neighbours.

There are whole areas of London now with mainly international inhabitants, second, third, fourth home owners who are only live there part time.

Keyworkers like firemen and nurses have to commute from Kent and Essex as they cannot afford to live near their work on their wage.

London has one of the highest rates of poverty in the country @ 25%.

But London will never have a problem with insufficient numbers: it has the opposite problem: overcapacity. Schools stuffed to gills with large numbers with including students for whom English is a second language and refugees from all over the world. Local shops close as they can’t afford the sky high rents and people shop online now. High streets are dying everywhere.

Oh that is a beautiful little village . What a shame people were so unfriendly to you .

Have you ever asked her to do anything to help you? Has she refused?

If you're not happy and feel it's not a quid pro quo relationship then set boundaries you are happy with, be honest and direct and go happily about your days.

I think that’s a fair point.

Yes, but I bought my home to live-in full-time. I didn't buy a house knowing I'd leave it empty for half the year.

Do they ever show any gratitude, like bringing you gifts or vouchers for takeaways?

I can’t believe the number of people giving the OP a hard time. I’m from a popular holiday destination with lots of second home owners. Some of my closest lifelong friends are long term holidaymakers… many of our second home owners massively contribute to the community. But often people who chose to live in incredibly remote parts of the country do so because they want peace and quiet. My parents would hate the behaviour of OP’s neighbour they just want to be left alone and that’s ok.

• inviting everyone for dinner - fine
• expecting reciprocal invites - not fine - just don’t invite them again
• texting every time she arrives - bit weird not the end of the world
• asking to come to book club - fine
• asking for book club to be scheduled round her visits - not fine
• asking OP to arrange her gutter cleaning and pay for it - not fine
• sending her relatives to knock on OP’s door -really really not fine

so overall, I think YANBU OP

This is astonishing. "Incomers" have to socialise with eachother only?

The word "local" seems to be quite weaponsied these days. Not local = evil.

I'm glad I don't live in a village. Village life sounds exclusionary and backward.

And this knocks on to the border counties and means their residents are unable to afford to live there. The worst thing is Bucks, Berks, Kent, Essex all have top flight schools which drives demand for housing up even further and pushes key workers even further out.

So you’re an emmet too?

If they were snooty, kept themselves to themselves and didn’t speak, that would be wrong too I expect.

I dunno, where I grew up, everyone did stuff for everyone else in the neighbourhood.

However, you're still an outsider and an incomer. Perhaps a local wanted that house?
I would say you're free to live wherever you want, but there are pp who want that freedom curtailed. That's where we get all Royston Vasey; Local homes for local people.