Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

We could equally ask what could be friendlier than the incomers asking near strangers round for dinner, or buying a half case of wine to show appreciation for what's been done even though OP said it wasn't an inconvenience

I did the "invite" thing myself and had a garden party for all my new neighbours, except when I asked for advice on something on here some slammed me for doing it at all
Luckily 95% came, everyone had a wonderful time and it all added to the general friendliness I've found here - but then fortunately I don't live in a village where so many seem consumed with resentment

I agree, @Puzzledandpissedoff , resentment does seem to be at the heart of this. Perhaps because these people can afford a home there and one in London?
Who knows. Perhaps better to approach this in a mature and measured way, OP, with maybe an adult conversation about expectations.

Out of interest, OP - is this in Cornwall?

Come to think of it, when I owned a second home I used to ask my neighbour to air the house, pop the heating on before we arrived, and occasionally to check all was well in the house if there was a concern. But she was my cleaning lady and on a year round retainer. She wasn't my personal baby sitter though so I didn't expect her to look after relatives or be on call 365, or to manage my social life.
It really isn't a question of village life versus city life or newcomers or second home owners, your neighbour doesn't seem to understand personal boundaries.

@SantaPellegrina Yes it is that, it just happens that it's taken a particular form here.

However, some wealthier people do also seem to live in a bubble. They can be pretty entitled, are not used to hearing the words 'no'. I've encountered it myself a number of times, and you occasionally see that on Mumsnet too, however, I wouldn't put these neighbours in that category quite yet.

This really isn’t a drip feed- the OPs initial post made
it clear this was the type of person.

it’s just an additional example, it doesn’t materially change her point.

( and I’m a Londoner who would love a second home in the country)

Perhaps better to approach this in a mature and measured way, OP, with maybe an adult conversation about expectations

That would indeed be the sensible thing to do, @LeticiaMorales, but probably not as much fun as squeaking with horror with the other "residents" at what those dreadful newcomers are up to

A pal who foolishly moved into such a place found a way round it though.
Repairing the hard standing outside and fed up of some senior lady who constantly said "The village wondered ...", "The village want to know ..." and so on, they joked that it was for the a big van for the mobiile fish and chip business they were setting up

Endless fun out of that one, when it turned out to have been taken seriously...

She sounds a bit "I'm here!!! What time does the fun start??" which could be seen as slightly aggravating, like you've all been waiting with bated breath for her to turn up and join in.

Is it always about wealth.
My observations on MN over the years we can see lots of not wealthy people are very entitled
obviously
its not just on MN either.

Not have a second home. It pushes up house prices in rural areas way beyond the means of the people who actually live here, the ones who get up at 5am to help in the dairies, look after the horses and drive the tractors that they all think is so "quaint and charming".

I actually think forcing them into charity makes a lot of sense! Every time they ask/demand a favour, send a donation link with some heavy insinuation.

The community centre needs a new kitchen/nursery right?

I think that the fact that OP's neighbour is a 2nd home owner is a bit of a red herring. She could live there full-time but take loads of holidays and would still expect OP to act as an unpaid caretaker while she is away. If her neighbour was low maintenance and self sufficient, the fact that she was a second home owner probably wouldn't bother OP much at all.

It really isn't a question of village life versus city life or newcomers or second home owners, your neighbour doesn't seem to understand personal boundaries.

This. It sounds like a personality clash and the issue is these people would be a bit annoying & overpowering to the OP even if they were full time neighbours.

They're not 'in the neighbourhood', they're visitors!

yes biffbaff !!

Haha love this idea

Why don’t you send them a message saying going forward you won’t be as available to see to their house and can they make other arrangements.

I agree with you OP, it’s too much and not an equal neighbourly relationship. You started out with the best of neighbourly intentions and they have taken advantage of that. Live and learn.

You and your community sounds v lovely 😊

It's a shame that each time they come coincides with a delivery of pig manure for your roses, isn't it? 😁

Yes, of course it's possible that we're blunderingly oblivious to how they really feel about us. But if that's the case, with the dinners, planning parties for when we're here, always accepting our invites, texting, visiting us in London, offering places to park if we have overflow guests and asking me to write the newsletter for a local organisation, they're doing a much better job of hiding it than the OP and we all seem to be happy with that.

I don't think it has got anything to do with being a second home owner vs a local, they are being CFs.

Start telling them you cant as you're busy at work or sorry I forgot I've been that stressed/busy recently. Tell them to pay people via bank transfer etc etc.

You are not staff, life is hard enough without picking up someone else's slack, because they can't be bothered to arrange things when they are there on holiday!

OP, you feel like staff because they are treating you like staff.

Unfortunately you have allowed this.
Stop answering your phone.
Mute them.
Tell them no.

She is a pushy cheeky fxxker and I would be very straight with them that their house is not your responsibility and to pay someone locally for the services they require.

I would be completely allergic to them.
Stop behaving like you owe them anything.

They have takdn the piss and think you are some country bumpkin that has loads of free time.

Insular small town nonsense. These same people slate aloof Londoners for being rude. If Londoners talk to anyone or try to make friends they’ve overstepped the mark. It’s a shame small-minded villagers need city types to support their housing markets, presumably your houses would fall in value if they decided to invest elsewhere. I know what I’d do…

Nope.
Nice try though.

@Mirabai

Schools stuffed to gills with large numbers with including students

A lot of places, including K&C are suffering badly from declining primary school numbers. Quite a few in our area are in danger of consolidation or closing. This is from the Evening Standard in Sept.

The number of pupils at London primary schools is falling twice as quickly as the national average as parents are forced out of the capital by spiraling costs. There is expected to be another drop of around 52,000 primary school-aged children in the city by 2028, according to the Education Policy Institute (EPI).

The comment about these places needing holidaymakers as there are no jobs is infuriating.
My DPs family come from a pretty village. Until about 50 years ago nearly everyone who lived there, worked there. There were farmers, a small garage, and shops. Gradually people from outside bought houses. At first it was mainly retired people, but then the second home owners started moving there too. My DPs family were all farmers. Like a lot of local people they rented their houses. But as second home owners came in, rents were pushed up, and they all had to love away. The houses were all sold eventually for vast prices to second home owners or newcomers.
Now most of the ordinary work that existed no longer exists there. The small garage closed down - it also serviced farm vehicles. The farms have been laid to fallow for conservation. The farms could no longer het experienced farm workers because the accommodation was not available. The school is only hanging in there but has reduced its staff. Some of the shops became tourist shops that only open during tourist season, reducing jobs. The village does now rely on tourism, but that happened because of the tourists pushing out other businesses.

And some locals did sell to outsiders. They said they felt they no longer belonged in the village they were born in and I heard many tales of local people saying those who had bought looked down their nose at them or treated them like village yokels. My DH was introduced to some men in the pub who were new comers/holiday home owners and one actually said to him, we are the elite of the village. It ends up making it very unpleasant to carry on living there even if you can afford to.