Alternating weekends with my ex - AIBU?

[TeaAndCakeForMePlease]

Hello everyone, first time poster here so apologies if I get the etiquette wrong but I could do with some outside opinions.

My husband and I decided to separate 14 months ago and he moved back in with his parents who live 45 minutes away. He drives back to our town three days a week to work (including on Fridays). The other two days a week he wfh. We have a 7 year old. I only work p/t to accommodate school hours.

Our DC spends every other weekend with him at his parents’ house but he’ll shortly be buying his own place and moving back to our town. On ‘his’ weekends I currently get DC from school on a Friday and take her home to wait (about 90 minutes) until he finishes work. He collects her from mine at about 5:15pm and then I collect her from his on Sunday afternoon.

He has suggested that once he’s living locally again, we should reverse this so that I drop her off at his on his Fridays and he’ll return her to me on Sundays. My issue is that I don’t work on Fridays and often visit my mum who lives over an hour away. I often end up hurrying back just to collect DC and then returning to my mum’s the following morning.

I think that on his weekends he needs to collect her after school on Fridays - or make other arrangements for her care since his current work commitments make this impossible on a Friday - since it’s his weekend with her. He’s totally flabbergasted by this. My mum also thinks I’m being unreasonable.

In case it’s relevant I live a short walk from the school, while he’ll be living on the other side of town.

I guess my question for those of you in a similar situation is, if it’s ’his weekend’ when does that start? I appreciate that I might be being over prickly but I feel like he’s treating me like a nanny, ie expected to fit in around his work commitments. I feel aggrieved that if it weren’t like this I could have a long weekend away occasionally. On the other hand I know that he absolutely cannot change his working hours on a Friday as he’s recently started teaching a local college course that only runs on Fridays.

Please tell me (kindly) if I’m being unreasonable? And if I’m not how can I point this out to him without causing too much of a stink? He is completely averse to anything that inconveniences him and it never occurs to him that there might be another perspective other than his own. However he has been known to accept a different perspective once it’s laid out for him and he has had time to think about it - but only if it’s been done diplomatically!

Thank you, and sorry for the long post!

You are right he should either collect her from school or arrange childcare.

What's going to happen in the school holidays? Have you told him Fridays are his day from 9am?

The idea is that we’ll share school holidays 50/50. He was absolutely outraged when I first suggested it, due to the impact on him / his earnings as he’s self employed. Never mind the fact that he’s always managed to take a similar amount of leave in the past. The only difference being that he always spent it at festivals / with friends etc, not with DC (or me for that matter).

His weekend starts from after school on a Friday, he collects from school or sorts childcare out until he can collect her.

Of course he collects from school or arranges childcare it's his time you are not childcare

If your mom thinks it's reasonable maybe not visit her because your too busy facilitating your ex

My dcs alternate weekends with xH start from 5.30ish on a Friday. My dds want to come back here and see me then get packed and I drop them off. Otherwise they’d have to pack their stuff before school on a Friday then where would their bags go?

it is a bit annoying for me but ours is not a 50/50 arrangement and although we both work full time my work is much more flexible.

think about what would work best for your dd.

prior to your divorce I imagine you would have come back in time to collect her from school on Fridays?

If he can pick her up after school on at least one day, you could actually increase your working hours.
Why is it you that has to take the financial hit? Of course he wants free childcare from you, but what's the quid pro quo for you? You'd be putting yourself out .. for what? Has he suggested a sweetener? Like increased maintenance, or extra days in the holidays?
If he doesn't have to pay the childcare, is he sharing the benefit of that with you?
Otherwise, why would you be doing favours for this guy ,who is presumably such a knob that you had to separate? If he was nice, you'd still be with him and there wouldn't be a problem. He's forfeited the right to make any demands of you. Time to start maintaining boundaries.

We've always had this arrangement. Ds comes home to me after school on a Friday and his dad collects him after work about 5:30pm. I would rather see my ds for that extra 2 hours, get him changed and sort his bags out for the weekend. It can be a bit inconvenient and it often feels like I spend a lot of time waiting around but I would rather that then have him lugging his weekend bags around school and not seeing him from Friday morning until Sunday.

My experience was that XH picked the kids up from my house around 5.30 or 6pm on Friday. We both worked full time so I had an after school carer. I picked them up from his on Sunday around the same time. They went to his on Wednesday evenings and usually he picked them up but when they were older walked direct to his house after secondary school.

I do EOW, also don't work Fridays and live a short walk from school

I collect from school and DS dad collects from me approx 6pm after work. If I asked he would collect from school if he can make arrangements with work or I could do ASC if I really wanted but this arrangement works

I get to see my DS before he goes and he can chill at home after school

I really don't think you are unreasonable though as you would have more flexibility if he was to collect from an after school club?!

If you think your child will be ok going from Friday morning to Sunday night without seeing you then definitely tell him he needs to sort out school pick up.

However if he can't do school pick up he may start doing Saturday morning instead which meals you'll lose a child free evening

My ex works full time I drop the kids to him on his weekends.

I think YBU and you should pick her up from school while you’re not working. He can pick her up from yours later.

He should be paying for after school care if he can’t collect her. If he’s unwilling to do this then it shows that he is unable to fully commit to the “full” weekend. 50/50 means exactly this. A 50% commitment to care of the child without the involvement of the other parent - financial or time. (Most of the time, men don’t acknowledge that women’s time even exists, let alone is even as valuable as theirs.)

I disagree. If he works Friday and you don’t, it seems like you’re just being awkward for the sake of it. It seems nonsensical to me that he should be expected to arrange and pay for childcare for a couple of hours after school one day per fortnight. Is that even possible, and if it is, your daughter will hate it, surely?

Whatever you do with your mum on the weekends your daughter is with you, you can still do on his weekends, or you can go to your mum’s (or do whatever else you want) whilst your daughter is with him.

If you want to be able to have a long weekend including a Friday occasionally, that can be negotiated as an individual occurrence.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the replies. Apologies if my original post wasn’t clear - my ex and I don’t share our DD 50/50, she lives with me in the week and we share weekends and (in theory) holidays 50/50.

The question of what’s best for my DD is one that I struggle with. I know that she won’t want to go to ASC, and I’m worried that she’ll blame me for the fact that she has to, but on the other hand I’m worried that if I don’t set a boundary now I’ll be doing every Friday pick up (& whatever else suits my ex) until she’s sixteen and my sense of resentment (towards him not her) won’t be good for her either.

To answer a couple of people - yes I always collected DD on a Friday before my ex and I separated, but I also did every single night shift, early wake up call and domestic duty associated with having a small child so I’m not sure that helps me to answer the question - following that logic I should continue to make her lunches etc on his weekends too 😉

What if you plan to up your hours by working the full day on a Friday? He needs to organise childcare or change his working hours... AND sort out his plans for school holiday cover... AND sort out what happens if and when said child needs collected half way throught the school day for whatever reason....

I am actually applying for jobs with more hours as I can’t survive long term as things are. But I don’t necessarily want to give my ex this as a reason as his response would be that I can continue doing ‘his’ Friday pick ups until I get a new job, which feels like walking into a trap.

Hi step mum here. What you proposed worked perfectly fine when the kids were younger but as they got older and started to want to take their clothes between houses it became a bit shit for them as they'd have to carry their bag to school. What worked well in the end was when they were old enough they had a key and dad could drive by their mums house on the way home for them to pick up the bag to take to his. Just something to think about.

... no you can't 'pick up ' for him as he will be starting HIS new arrangements with immediate effect.... and what you do with YOUR time is none of his f'ing business.

it’s thus i find so weird

My mum also thinks I’m being unreasonable.

YANBU

My ex tried to pull this and got short shrift from the judge. He was ordered to pick up from school and told he was the one responsible should they fall ill during the day.

I think it’s a generation thing, coupled with concern for my DD. If I worked on a Friday I think she’d view it differently.

This is interesting / helpful thanks. We haven’t started divorce proceedings yet (which is partly why I’m trying to tread carefully!). I don’t think either of us intend to end up in front of a judge but I did wonder what their response would be if we did.

I don’t know.

Is there any compromise here? Like, agree to do it once a month?
If you are looking for a new job, you may need to work together a bit more and share care rather than ‘your time’ ‘my time’