Alternating weekends with my ex - AIBU?

[TeaAndCakeForMePlease]

Hello everyone, first time poster here so apologies if I get the etiquette wrong but I could do with some outside opinions.

My husband and I decided to separate 14 months ago and he moved back in with his parents who live 45 minutes away. He drives back to our town three days a week to work (including on Fridays). The other two days a week he wfh. We have a 7 year old. I only work p/t to accommodate school hours.

Our DC spends every other weekend with him at his parents’ house but he’ll shortly be buying his own place and moving back to our town. On ‘his’ weekends I currently get DC from school on a Friday and take her home to wait (about 90 minutes) until he finishes work. He collects her from mine at about 5:15pm and then I collect her from his on Sunday afternoon.

He has suggested that once he’s living locally again, we should reverse this so that I drop her off at his on his Fridays and he’ll return her to me on Sundays. My issue is that I don’t work on Fridays and often visit my mum who lives over an hour away. I often end up hurrying back just to collect DC and then returning to my mum’s the following morning.

I think that on his weekends he needs to collect her after school on Fridays - or make other arrangements for her care since his current work commitments make this impossible on a Friday - since it’s his weekend with her. He’s totally flabbergasted by this. My mum also thinks I’m being unreasonable.

In case it’s relevant I live a short walk from the school, while he’ll be living on the other side of town.

I guess my question for those of you in a similar situation is, if it’s ’his weekend’ when does that start? I appreciate that I might be being over prickly but I feel like he’s treating me like a nanny, ie expected to fit in around his work commitments. I feel aggrieved that if it weren’t like this I could have a long weekend away occasionally. On the other hand I know that he absolutely cannot change his working hours on a Friday as he’s recently started teaching a local college course that only runs on Fridays.

Please tell me (kindly) if I’m being unreasonable? And if I’m not how can I point this out to him without causing too much of a stink? He is completely averse to anything that inconveniences him and it never occurs to him that there might be another perspective other than his own. However he has been known to accept a different perspective once it’s laid out for him and he has had time to think about it - but only if it’s been done diplomatically!

Thank you, and sorry for the long post!

Yes I am concerned about this. DD currently takes bags of stuff with her at the weekend (clothes, toys, favourite teddies). I’ve just moved house and there’s a very small, brand new shed on the drive. I was wondering about putting a combination padlock on it and popping her bags in there on Friday morning for exH to help himself to since it’s very near the school.

The shed is very clean and watertight (& currently empty). I was considering putting carpet & curtains in it as a ’clubhouse’ for DD so it’s not a manky shed full of old tools etc but nonetheless I’m worried that by putting her things out there I’ll somehow be setting DD up for years of therapy.

I say that partly in jest but I am also really worried about how her dad & me splitting up is going to affect her / scar her for life. In fact this more than anything is what makes me think maybe I should just suck it up and collect her from school every Friday. But the thought of doing that makes me furious that yet again all the arrangements are being made to suit him.

This is why I need / appreciate your input (thank you!). I’m caught between concern for my DD and my anger at having spent 20+ years of my wishes/needs coming second to my husband’s.

Totally great for kids to swap over at 5.30 if that works for everyone in the equation.

However, in your circumstances it is absolute not your job to accommodate his convenience at your own expense. After all, he is her parent, not a fun uncle!

As a parent he needs to pick up his share of parenting responsibilities. News flash - kids are not a convenience product.

So, this means after school collection on the evenings he has her. Also providing clothing for her at his house or other items she needs. As she gets older there will be ways to transport items she needs, you can work that out at the time.

Hold your boundaries so he's not taking advantage of you. This important for your well-being and to model this for your daughter.

He is probably the type of guy that has learned that being disagreeable pays; if he always demand others do it his way and therefore this is what always happens, why would he suddenly start to be agreeable? If this is him, you will just need to learn to expect him to be unreasonable and be prepared to push back to get what you need. Yes it's exhausting, but with someone like this it is the only way to teach them to respect you.

Absolutely baffled by some of these responses. Why would your child need to pack a bag to stay with their dad? He should be providing every single thing they need when in his care.

You are no longer married OP so your life should not be dictated by your EXH schedule. Just ludicrous that anyone thinks it should.

For reference, I share 50/50 care and would have extremely short shrift for this nonsense.

You are allowed an independent life too.

Hi, welcome to MN!

Me and my ex are very amicable and try to make things work for each other. If I had to go to my mums on a fri, this couldn’t work for me and my ex wouldn’t expect it to.

If I could fit around it without much hassle I would. But we are both trying to accommodate each other as much as possible.

I wouldn’t be guided by others’ reactions cos they always favour the man IMO.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

I would also be suggesting dropping off on to school on mondays, that way
he picks up the child in school uniform, washed it and sends child to school in the uniform.

Thank you. I am trying to stake my claim to an independent life but I’m finding this particular issue really hard to navigate.

The idea of not sending DD to her dad’s with a bag has blown my mind. What about her favourite teddy and whichever book she’s halfway through reading? I guess these could go in her school bag but then she needs separate clothes (& shoes) at her dad’s and he’s definitely not going to want to buy / pay for those. And if he does is she going to have to change out of them before coming home on Sunday evening??

My kids go to ExH every other weekend. He lives very close to their school - a 10 minute walk/5 minute drive, whereas I live a 20 minute drive in the opposite direction.

However, I still pay for the afterschool club on "his" Fridays, then collect them from there and drive them to his at 6pm. It's bonkers really. But

1. the kids like to see me on that Friday eve, even for only 5 mins
2. it means that things like teddies/comfort blankets don't have to be kept at school all day if he were to pick them up

Yes it's inconvenient for me really. But I love my kids more than I dislike ExH, so I do it, because it's the smoothest transition for them.

YABU.
There's no set time when the "weekend" should start.
You work part time to accommodate drop off and pick up from school. If you need childcare so you can do other things on a Friday find it together. Maybe that does mean your ex agreeing a different work pattern on Fridays but his employer will need to agree to that.
Work together to find solutions instead of making demands that don't work for the other party.

what on earth do you mean by a generational “thing” that you’re mother would think you were unreasonable in this situation rather than your ex husband?

It’s not unusual for some women, especially older women, to think a man’s role as ‘breadwinners’ or frankly just having a penis means that women should prioritise his needs over hers. It’s like giving men bigger portions/better food at meals. Patriarchy and all that. I’m no spring chicken and my mum isn’t like this, but some of my friends’ mums definitely were/are.

She should have clothes, shoes, books and teddies at her dad's. If he has her 2 nights EOW and 50:50 in the holidays then that's about a quarter of the year - and to be honest it's nearly half the time she's not wearing school uniform. He needs to have stuff for her for that portion of the year rather than relying on you to provide it. You just return them a fortnight later when he drops her off.

I would leave it as it is for now. It’s going to be an upheaval for your DD when your ex moves house, so it will be better to keep to the same arrangement. Again, if you get a different job, this is going to impact your DD. My friend who has 3 children had this arrangement for over 10 years, her DC came home from school, got their things together and had to wait till their Dad picked them up, which was anytime from 5.30 to 7. Ex also had them one night mid week, the eldest carried around all the following day the dirty clothes for all 3 from the day before.

I think stand your ground. You don’t need to adjust your life to keep this selfish man happy anymore and his convenience is no longer your concern. Of course people will try to make you feel guilty that this impacts on your child but they never bloody do that to the father, do they? Resist the mum guilt and stop absorbing everything both pragmatically and emotionally. Your life and your Friday plans matter.

Agree with this. It seems mean of you to put your daughter in after school club and miss the chance to see her when you have a whole weekend without her.

It won't be until she's 16. In a surprisingly short amount of time she'll be fine to walk home from school and stay by herself for a few hours. Where will she go to secondary school? Whether that's back to yours or getting herself across to his house you'll know. But I absolutely agree that she will want her own things and carrying them around school might make her resentful.

My ex husband has a key so he can pick up/drop off child stuff.

On his weekends (he does once a week for two weeks (ish) then a Friday to Monday once a month (shift patterns, oh joy!)

When they were younger if one had a club l I’d collect the other from school and then he’d collect both post club. It rankled slightly, on principle, but I live just around the corner from school, and was flexible with work, so ultimately it didn’t matter.

I also sent all their clothes etc. As they’ve got older he has got a lot better at making sure they have a small selection at his (we swap between sometimes as we see their clothes as theirs, not trapped within one household, at it evens out), but he still needs to drop off iPads after his evenings/dsys.

Current set up, with a 13yo and 10yo is that on his nights 10yo walks home alone, has a snack and grabs iPads. Ex picks up 13yo (as they’re a much longer walk away) and then collects 10yo from me. I don’t have to be there but am usually as I can WFH. Then drops bags off next morning (key meaning I don’t have to be present).

I also agree in principle he should have her the full Friday which includes illness pick up and end of day collection. But college teaching is super inflexible and you want to get on well - could you agree that for this academic year you’ll continue but stop in September so he can sort his timetabling?
that’s an additional 13 or so Fridays until end July.

When they're younger sure it works fine having clothes at each house but as they get older my DSD wanted to choose what clothes they had where. Bring their make up. Take clothes for specific events. Bring home comforts between homes. It's their stuff and it's cruel to make them leave it in one of their homes.

Could the weekend not start on a Saturday, so you have your daughter Friday night and your ex takes her to school Monday morning?

My daughter has clothes at both houses but still needs to take a bag with her to return clothes to the other house, she can just take a 2nd backpack into school

I think you are quite likely to end up in court or at least mediation so start as you mean to go on and arrange everything by email or at least save texts or WhatsApps in a Word document.

You are caught between two people whose needs they think should come before yours: your ex and your mum. I can't believe your mum sides with exh and expects you to drive back there on a Saturday. That's four hours of driving to make two consecutive short day visits!

If you've got an unreasonable mum who also thinks men come first then you were kind of primed to feel guilt over this weren't you?

You matter and your time and comfort matter. What you are actually doing with the Friday isn't relevant.

I think that's not a bad suggestion. It's going to be tough for them and I think as they got older my DSD really liked the autonomy of being able to bring stuff between homes of their own choosing. Both mum and dad make sure basic underwear, pajamas etc is available at their house and communication is good so this helps if stocks are running low at either house. But there's only so much they can take to school, they'll have stuff to carry for their school day and most of their peers aren't also carrying round a weekend bag so it was making them down. It works really well for my husband and his ex. Maybe run it past your children as they start to want to take more and more stuff. It only works if you and your ex are on the same sort of page re buying clothes for them.

Depends if the daughter likes after school club or not. Some kids love it

It’s not that my mum thinks my exH should come first (she’s always thought that he was an absolute kn*b). But she’s almost 80 and has dedicated the majority of her life to her family, including her three children. I haven’t asked her specifically but I think she thinks that I’m not prioritising my DD.

I don’t intend to criticise my mum - she’s a wonderful woman and has been/is being an enormous support to me. However I suspect the idea of a mum (ie me) putting herself first (ie potentially ahead of her DD) is totally alien to her.

I definitely don’t want my DD to feel that she’s not the most important person in my world but I’m also trying to model not being a doormat. Since my dad died two years ago I drive 90 miles most Fridays to spend the day with my mum. On the whole I’m really happy to do it (we get on really well & I enjoy it) but I often feel I’m trying to balance my mum’s needs and my daughter’s (eg I don’t take DD to visit my mum at the weekends as DD really doesn’t enjoy it, especially the long drive). Until 14 months ago I was also having to factor in my exH’s feelings on the matter (eg he didn’t like having his MiL to stay & it always required loads of negotiation).

It feels really important to me (especially where my exH is concerned) to start considering what works best for me too. Even if that’s not the eventual outcome I want my DD to see that I matter too.

A house you visit every other weekend and in the holidays is a distant grandparents/holiday house kind of situation isn't it? Makes sense to keep some basics there so you're not caught out.

The exh could make it part of the visit. Trip to a large Tesco to get some clothes basics. Trip to library to borrow some books. Toys that live there.

Of course he will have trouble thinking that way after 7 years of someone facilitating the whole parenting thing for him, but he needs to dad up.

I’m with you on this, my kids have always had tons of things they want to take to their dad’s that can’t be replicated. Their current favourite pair of jeans, shoes - seems so wasteful to buy two pairs of everything. We do have sets of school uniform at each house.

I have a key safe outside my house and the kids have always let themselves in to collect stuff if I’ve not been around to facilitate handover after school but I think the shed idea is a good one.