Alternating weekends with my ex - AIBU?

[TeaAndCakeForMePlease]

Hello everyone, first time poster here so apologies if I get the etiquette wrong but I could do with some outside opinions.

My husband and I decided to separate 14 months ago and he moved back in with his parents who live 45 minutes away. He drives back to our town three days a week to work (including on Fridays). The other two days a week he wfh. We have a 7 year old. I only work p/t to accommodate school hours.

Our DC spends every other weekend with him at his parents’ house but he’ll shortly be buying his own place and moving back to our town. On ‘his’ weekends I currently get DC from school on a Friday and take her home to wait (about 90 minutes) until he finishes work. He collects her from mine at about 5:15pm and then I collect her from his on Sunday afternoon.

He has suggested that once he’s living locally again, we should reverse this so that I drop her off at his on his Fridays and he’ll return her to me on Sundays. My issue is that I don’t work on Fridays and often visit my mum who lives over an hour away. I often end up hurrying back just to collect DC and then returning to my mum’s the following morning.

I think that on his weekends he needs to collect her after school on Fridays - or make other arrangements for her care since his current work commitments make this impossible on a Friday - since it’s his weekend with her. He’s totally flabbergasted by this. My mum also thinks I’m being unreasonable.

In case it’s relevant I live a short walk from the school, while he’ll be living on the other side of town.

I guess my question for those of you in a similar situation is, if it’s ’his weekend’ when does that start? I appreciate that I might be being over prickly but I feel like he’s treating me like a nanny, ie expected to fit in around his work commitments. I feel aggrieved that if it weren’t like this I could have a long weekend away occasionally. On the other hand I know that he absolutely cannot change his working hours on a Friday as he’s recently started teaching a local college course that only runs on Fridays.

Please tell me (kindly) if I’m being unreasonable? And if I’m not how can I point this out to him without causing too much of a stink? He is completely averse to anything that inconveniences him and it never occurs to him that there might be another perspective other than his own. However he has been known to accept a different perspective once it’s laid out for him and he has had time to think about it - but only if it’s been done diplomatically!

Thank you, and sorry for the long post!

That is ridiculous. Her daughter shouldn't have to have two favourite teddies. If anything having a teddy and clothes that move between houses will help her. She's not got two lives she has two homes and that's tough enough without her possessions not being able to leave each house. If someone with only one home goes away for a weekend they'll want to take things. I understand the sentiment, he should be providing things at his house but these are her possessions and she should be able to have a say in where they are.

I really like the shed idea. It maintains the separation of your houses. Could you maybe put a shelf up for the bag or put it on a table so it's not on the ground? That will help make it feel less like it's just put in the shed. It's got a special place in the shed then.

It probably goes without saying but the reason I want DD to see that I matter is because I want her to absorb the message that SHE matters. If she grows up to have a partner of her own I want it to be much better / equal / happier than my marriage. And the best way that I can think of to ensure that is to teach her to know her own worth.

The reason why CMS is reduced for NRP overnights is because they have the costs of feeding, clothing, providing a bed, paying for activities on their time with the DC.

Yes he needs to provide for DD in all ways when he has her.

Insulate and use the shed for minimal items that pass between.

Sure when she is older and has an opinion then things change but for now he can fund a pair of trainers, wellies and some additional clothing as well as after school care on a Friday.

It's strange he doesn't want to have her one overnight a week too?

My mum's 82 and while she was a good mum, she absolutely did put herself first some of the time and continues to do so some of the time. Probably more than me actually. She certainly never felt any pressure to earn money. I work a lot of hours (despite being officially "part time") and have to be careful not to waste the time I have on others who wouldn't do the same for me.

DMIL, a little older, lives mostly for others.

It's been interesting to observe!

My kids were always collected by their Dad (or his new gf/a family member) from school Friday and dropped at school monday morning. Now they are teens they come back to mine after school as it's closer and gives ex the flex to collect later which is fine as I don't need to be there, they are old enough to stat home alone until he gets there, and can lock up behind them. Until DC are older he should be picking up from school, but maybe give a grace period to allow him to sort childcare.

Did I say she shouldn't be able to take her things between houses?

She shouldn't HAVE to just because her dad can't be arsed to buy anything for her to keep at his, is my point.

Also you can't necessarily work PT forever!

He needs to consider his DD when he takes on works. Perhaps you need to actually explain to him that ALL of that changes now you are BOTH single parents.

Doing the transfer via school puts a burden on school. The child's only 7 and schools have very minimal storage space. Not practical for child to have to be toting used clothes and teddies and books around.

The shed idea's a good one. Parents are in the same town - it's not some kind of complex contact situ involving motorway driving.

Didn't anyone here have favourite things that stayed at grandma's? We did.

They always expect to keep being facilitated by their ex and when you don't, you are "bitter and wicked and twisted " 💔

I think it was fine whilst he was in temp accommodation (his parents house). But once he's settled he should pick her up from school/childminder and drop her home on the Sunday. If you don't you'll never be able to go away for weekends, always have to be available in a Friday afternoon etc.

This is the way I organised it with my ex. I also suggested 50/50 at the start which of course he couldn't possibly do due to work (even though I had to sort and pay for childcare to allow me to work) and of course he couldn't do 50/50 during school holidays, because how would HE get a break!

But that all changes when he got a gf and our dd was a teenager that could be left alone, walk to and from school etc. I was very bitter for a while (still am tbh), but our dd is a well adjusted teen, which I give myself credit for.

My views are coloured by the fact that I have over the years worked with a number of male school teachers who expect facilitation of admin and arrangements in school never mind at home...

The patriarchy is real!

Thank you, good idea to insulate the shed.

The plan is for DD to go to her dad’s after school one day a week (he’ll do pick up) for supper and bath time but then she’ll come home to sleep. The main reason for this (which we both agreed on) was so that DD feels secure that her home is with me.

I suspect that an additional reason is that exH doesn’t want to have to deal with the morning routine, packed lunch etc and getting across town in time for school. This would massively disrupt his morning (he’d have to get up early!) which he would hate. He never took her to school when he lived with us, despite the fact that he wfh, started at 9:30am and school was a six minute walk away 🙄

Tbh I’m happy that DD doesn’t have an overnight with him in the week, I’m not looking to change this unless it’s something she wants.

Having a 50/50 arrangement for over 10 years, I quickly realised that the details really matter. Our hand over was a Friday. Our DC went to a child-minder before and after school as we both worked FT. I would collect her from the CM on Fridays after work then the following Friday drop her off there before school, leaving her belongings there for her DF to collect.
In the school holidays we didnt use the CM (Im a teacher). I would collect her at 4pm from whoever was looking after her and drop her at 9am for following Friday.
You are right to want it made clear and fair. I would suggest your DC goes to an after school club on Fridays and each parent collects her from there at whatever time suits them, then she is dropped there on Monday morning by whichever parent has had her for the weekend. So she spends Fri / Sat / Sun with the same parent.

I think you should just keep picking up on Friday until you get another job for peace. Keep the fight for the 50/50 during the holidays. You still have that battle ahead. He will do everything to get out of actually doing it.

If he doesn’t like that offer him an alternative he can either collect her from school Friday and you will collect Sunday or you drop her off Saturday morning and he can drop her off at school on Monday.

Does he pay the set amount of child maintenance set by the Government or does he still pay some of your household bills like mortgage etc?. If he pays only child maintenance then you need to stop facilitating him. He should buy her clothes to keep at his house and get her everything needed at his. If he is still paying the mortgage etc then don't rock the boat for now!

Oh I’ve just seen you say he won’t pay for their clothes. Helping him out is way kinder than he’s being to you and your child

Hi OP. I have a similar contact schedule to you but am 5 years down the line. I spent probably the first 3 years so angry at how incredibly unfair it all was (especially as our divorce was due to my exs multiple infidelities). The thing is, it is unfair. My life is tough, I work FT now and have the kids over 70% of the time. We're meant to do 50/50 holidays, we never do, he avoids it where possible and now my kids are older they ask not to go as he never takes time off work to spend with them. He's not had them a single day in 5 years when they were poorly. And recently hes askrd to reduce contwct as his GF doesnt want my kids around so much. So yeah, he lives a comfortable child free lifestyle, doing what he likes, multiple trips abroad and it used to make me furious. But you cant make him want to parent more. I tried that and it was just wasted energy. So the sooner you can get to acceptance, the better it will be for you. Yes, being the main parent is tough, it's exhausting, it's unfair, but I look at my kids and know that it's worth it. I see the lovely young people they're becoming, I see them excelling at school and in their extra curricular activities and I know that that in part, is thanks to me. Hope that helps xx

I also agree that he needs to cloth and provide for dd when he has her. So he picks her up on Friday after school. Washes and irons her uniform and brings it back to you on her return. What she wears, clothes, footwear, underwear, toiletries etc he provides for her and he keeps at his house. You may need to give him an outfit that he returns her I , but for the lions share he provides

Both me and my DH do 50/50 with our kids. Weekend has always been from after school Friday (or from 9am Friday if school holidays) to school drop-off on Monday.

Surely your joint aim should be that she feels she has two secure homes with her own stuff in?

Otherwise you're just perpetuating your role as primary carer.

And it'll be easy for him to just dwindle contact to nothing if and when he meets someone new.

My issue is that I don’t work on Fridays and often visit my mum who lives over an hour away. I often end up hurrying back just to collect DC and then returning to my mum’s the following morning.

How does this make it an issue or you going back the next morning relevant? You’re off work Fridays and it doesn’t matter that you go see your mum and rush back the point is you are currently picking up DC from school so would it be that much of a hardship to drop DC off with dad when he’s finished work instead of waiting for DC to be collected?

edited to say I’ve actually changed my mind lol he should sort ASC or finish couple hours early to get DC because then you’re limited to what you can do on your ‘free weekend’. Can’t go for a weekend away and set off on Friday dinner because of school run so sake of a couple hours you’d have to delay a trip or you wanted to go out shopping for the day and not rush back for sake of a couple hours. Or more importantly you would have to not work Fridays ever (unless the day finished before school does). But then also if he’s moving back to your town DD will soon be old enough to walk to his from school herself anyway

If ASC club every other Friday would sort the issue that seems a ridiculous hill to die on tbh.

Lots of kids go to ASC. A lot rather enjoy it. It can be the modern equivalent of "playing out".

OP said her DD won’t want to go to after school club.