Alternating weekends with my ex - AIBU?

[TeaAndCakeForMePlease]

Hello everyone, first time poster here so apologies if I get the etiquette wrong but I could do with some outside opinions.

My husband and I decided to separate 14 months ago and he moved back in with his parents who live 45 minutes away. He drives back to our town three days a week to work (including on Fridays). The other two days a week he wfh. We have a 7 year old. I only work p/t to accommodate school hours.

Our DC spends every other weekend with him at his parents’ house but he’ll shortly be buying his own place and moving back to our town. On ‘his’ weekends I currently get DC from school on a Friday and take her home to wait (about 90 minutes) until he finishes work. He collects her from mine at about 5:15pm and then I collect her from his on Sunday afternoon.

He has suggested that once he’s living locally again, we should reverse this so that I drop her off at his on his Fridays and he’ll return her to me on Sundays. My issue is that I don’t work on Fridays and often visit my mum who lives over an hour away. I often end up hurrying back just to collect DC and then returning to my mum’s the following morning.

I think that on his weekends he needs to collect her after school on Fridays - or make other arrangements for her care since his current work commitments make this impossible on a Friday - since it’s his weekend with her. He’s totally flabbergasted by this. My mum also thinks I’m being unreasonable.

In case it’s relevant I live a short walk from the school, while he’ll be living on the other side of town.

I guess my question for those of you in a similar situation is, if it’s ’his weekend’ when does that start? I appreciate that I might be being over prickly but I feel like he’s treating me like a nanny, ie expected to fit in around his work commitments. I feel aggrieved that if it weren’t like this I could have a long weekend away occasionally. On the other hand I know that he absolutely cannot change his working hours on a Friday as he’s recently started teaching a local college course that only runs on Fridays.

Please tell me (kindly) if I’m being unreasonable? And if I’m not how can I point this out to him without causing too much of a stink? He is completely averse to anything that inconveniences him and it never occurs to him that there might be another perspective other than his own. However he has been known to accept a different perspective once it’s laid out for him and he has had time to think about it - but only if it’s been done diplomatically!

Thank you, and sorry for the long post!

Well, tbh, if OP is going to support her own household, work more hours etc with a non helpful ex might be time to embrace the idea of wraparound care...babysitters...not actually being available Fridays...

She does seem to rather want it all ways at the moment.

As an adult who grew up with separated parents I'd say do whatever makes things easiest for your DD. Both my parents were very rigid about what was or wasn't their responsibility regarding me and it was awful. I felt like a package that was tossed from one place to another. It has affected me as an adult. Particularly my mother's stubbornness about not helping facilitate contact with my DD or his family. Please put your DD's needs first and if that means collecting her from school on a Friday for now, then do that. Why do you need to see your mother on Fridays and Saturdays?

Well that is very reasonable. As long as OP's own wants don't somehow get lost in what her ex, mum etc want.

Do you think looking back @Macaroni46 that your mum had to be rigid or your dad would have done nothing? Or are they both selfish?

I'm sorry you felt like that though. That's awful.

Seriously your DD having a weekly overnight with her Dad will make her more secure there.

You seem undecided - on one hand you want to remain the primary parent but have EO Friday after school child free.

Your ex needs to step up and parent her MORE.

He should do an overnight in the week and if she's ill the next morning he will need to sort something out/look after her. Yes he needs to get up early and make her packed lunch and so on.

Seriously if you want things to change and him take on responsibilities you need to make it happen.

Sadly, your views are blinded by the will to stand up to your ex, despite this not being in your daughter's best interests.

You are very right that your daughter might resent you for this because from the child's eye, their well being should always comes first when there is a choice.

My ex relied massively on me being the main carer and only doing what suited him. To an extreme. I cried many times because of the unfairness of it all, but my inate desire to do well by my kids was just always going to be stronger than my desire to act on my anger towards my ex.

My children are now young adults and without ever saying anything to them, quick worked out on their own that their dad was a selfish person. I am very close to them, they have now both stopped contact with him because they are, like me, getting very little in return from him.

Hearing them telling me that I am a great mum and that they are grateful for how I brought them up is worth a million time more than having to stand to my ex over silly matters.

Can you drop her at school on Monday mornings if you do the Friday collection . ? Although make it clear you have a life too and he has to work with you not for himself. .

you have your dh all the time . He has to accommodate you not the other way around .
So tell him if you agree to Fridays then he has to make other plans of you are busy sometime for example away for a weekend.

tbh if it’s what’s you want is no collection on firsts then stick with it I’d also go for Monday morning drop off at school .

Let him do some of the responsibility .

Yes Op this is how it works.
She takes her book and teddy .
He provides the rest .
He sends her back on the clothes she was collected in.
Another good reason for him to drop dh at school
monday morning.

After reading your updates I wouldn’t give in to the Friday .Id push for Monday drop off. .

Its his daughter too .

Tell him he has to provide stuff for his house
also means he has washing to do.
Seems it’s time for him to grow up!

But you only work school hours whilst he works full time.

You must have plenty of other time to see your mum?

I am possibly a bit older than you OP.

I have seen what @vivainsomnia describes play out a few times.

Also of course Disney dadding where the dad doesn't do much that's practical but showers the DC with material things. That can work on the DC for a while but doesn't sound like your ex is massively well off so maybe won't.

You can only do your best but it is going to take clarity on your part regarding your objectives.

Expecting someone who has acted only thinking of themselves for over a decade to suddenly change their spots is not a realistic strategy.

Have you considered seeing a counsellor to get your head straight?

Yes that is a good question. Why not visit the mum at the weekend with the DC.

@Phineyj
Thanks for your reply to my post. In answer to your question, why do I think my mother was the way she was. I think they were both incredibly selfish and neither would bend. They both were desperate for time without me and would argue over who wouldn't have me for holidays as they wanted to be child free. In other words, neither wanted to go away with me. Boy that hurt!
I ended up being shoved on trains and buses by myself from the age of 11 and I remember my mum wouldn't even drop me at the station so I used to walk there (30 mins). Her argument was, he should learn to drive. Maybe he should have but as a mother myself, I cannot get over her harsh and selfish attitude. Likewise, my dad did not provide me with a room of my own (a mattress on the floor of his bedroom) so I stopped visiting him and consequently have a fairly distant relationship with him now.
I do realise however that my experience was extreme and that it clouds my judgement re other people's situations.

So he's expected to pick up AND drop off and you do none of the driving?

Hey OP.
Sorry you are in this situation.
I have been in a position of 50/50 over the past few years. Not going to say it has been easy.
Kids have been living out of their bags over the years. Dragging bags through school, not having things they need. I'm sure you know the drill.
On the days my exH has them, he collects from school, keeps over the weekend and drops to school on Monday morning. Occasionally there needs to be a meet over the weekend for stuff that's been forgotten but it has gotten easier. If they have been sick or there have been issues, he has needed to sort this on his days.
Don't get me wrong, it was harder at the start but as time has went past we can have amenable conversations now about the situation......if he isn't free can I do a lift or vice versa. Ultimately I put my feelings aside to try and do what's best for the kids, and sometimes the mental load and bulk of the hassle lands at my feet, but I'm OK with that because ultimately if I need to do the thing (even if he should be doing it), it's not for me, it's for my children. Always they come first. Always.
You might need to set a couple of boundaries now seeing as he is moving closer OP, but be firm on what you see as essential and you can negotiate on the smaller things.
Take care.

@Macaroni46 oh that is rotten.

I have to say though, that although my parents are still together, that was very much how I was treated at secondary school age (expectations of independence that we'd probably consider a bit neglectful nowadays) and that has definitely informed how I parent my own DD.

I remember my parents having a row in front of me about who "had" to go to a school concert.

They're both keen on music themselves. Where they think musicians come from I do not know...

Goodness though, there is no excusing your dad for not buying a bed, what a bad dad!

I think there is room for a bit of compromise here, but only you will know if your ex will start taking the piss.

You visit your mum once/week. On the Friday that you have your daughter you do what you are doing now and visit your mum on a Friday, the week that daughter goes to her dads you visit on Saturday. You can spend as much time as you like at your mums on the Saturday.

Alternatively your ex can pay for ASC, but then you will either have to sort out a bag for your daughter to take to school on Friday, or some sort of arrangement for collection of the weekend bag for your daughter. Do you think that he is likely to wash her school clothes, or will you get them returned to you to wash on Sunday evening?

@Macaroni46 this sounds awful, I’m so sorry that you experienced it.

Sending you hugs xx

@Phineyj
I’ve probably spent at least £10k on therapy over the 20 years I’ve been with my ex. Almost entirely at his insistence - apparently there was always something else I needed to address (ie fix) before our relationship would be a success. Oddly enough he was always perfect….

The irony is that it was my most recent therapist (a wonderful woman who I wish I could still afford to see) who confirmed my suspicions that he was gaslighting me and helped me to decide to finally leave. And I must say my head hasn’t felt straighter in 20 years 😃

I would agree to Friday pick ups, but he drops DD to school on Mondays, but with a proviso that there is flexibility ie if you need to go away for a weekend.

No reason he can't get a couple of sets of school uniform and weekend clothes at his house.

She should feel like both homes are hers, not just yours. Otherwise you and your ex will make DD feel like she is permanently a visitor to his home and not a child coming home. That would be awful for her.

I would also start planning the holidays now, and getting it in writing!!

10k, 20 years, yikes! That's a lot to unpick.

Well I guess well done for starting a new chapter. Hopefully the way forward will become clearer.