Should I have told my family about my pregnancy and birth?

[lovefromplum]

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 6 years and have experienced 5 losses during this time. Each loss was devastating, but the one that made me feel as though I could never truly trust my body was the loss of our baby girl at 18 weeks gestation.

We agreed to no longer try and instead focus on healing. But, life being what it is at times, I fell pregnant again. I resigned myself to the probability that this would also end in miscarriage and was very detached from the whole experience. However, we were lucky enough to welcome our baby boy recently and are so in love!

We have had a few congratulatory texts but no visitors from my family. While speaking with my cousin she shared that the reason they have all been so distant is because this is how I have made them feel throughout the pregnancy and it has caused a "rift" in the family. My aunts stepped in to support me for much of my childhood due to both my parents being young and having addiction problems. They feel my actions have come across as "ungrateful."

For context, we didn't announce my pregnancy until our 20 week scan and didn't announce his birth until we were home from the hospital (it was a difficult birth) when he was 3 days old.

Admittedly, the whole pregnancy was just me trying to get from one week to the next, and I was like a horse with blinkers on. So I probably did neglect other aspects of my life. I feel terrible and wanted to reach out to them, but my husband is against it. He dislikes the way they have gone about it and says we don't owe anyone access to our lives, even family.

Our friend group has mixed opinions.
I was just going to reach out to family members individually to apologise and explain, but now I'm wondering if I should. I'm so torn. They are my family, but I don't feel like I did anything wrong. But I guess that doesn't mean I didn't hurt their feelings .... Urgh! This is so confusing!

Do I fix it, or let time heal it?

Help please ...

I don’t see anything wrong with what you did but I think for the sake of peace I would reach out x

You did tell them at the twenty week scan tho
how did they react when you told them?

Unless you actively didn't reply to messages from people, didn't turn up to catch ups etc you'd agreed to. You haven't done anything wrong. It doesn't take much thought and empathy to realise you'd have been struggling and scared throughout your pregnancy after what you'd been through previously. They don't sound like the most compassionate, considerate, emotionally mature family and you don't owe anyone anything.

My sister didn't tell me she'd had her baby until day 3. No back story just PFB.
Fine, if that's the way she wants it.
So now I never acknowledge his birthday.
I think well since it was such a closely guarded secret, such a private thing, that's fine.
Have all his birthdays all to yourself.
So to you I say- you don't think you've done anything wrong.
You told them only as much as you wanted.
You kept it all to yourself, the news of his birth was so private you didn't even tell them. So you clearly told them you aren't close.
And yet now you are mad that they aren't making a fuss!
To hell with that.
I'm team family.

I get why you did it, but I don't think you can now be annoyed that they're not being suitably congratulatory or making enough fuss! You wanted low key, you got low key. And more importantly you wanted your beautiful baby and now you've got your beautiful baby ❤️

I would buy some beautiful 'sorry' cards and explain as you have done here. Not that you need to but it obviously appears completely different to them and you would clearly prefer a reconciliation. If that's not enough then I'm with your husband.

You sound nice. Wondering why she didn’t share her news with you 🤔

And instantly we can tell why she didn't tell you immediately.......

You sound like an awful aunt. No idea what your sisters reasons were but op has suffered devastating loss and must have been on tenterhooks the whole pregnancy. Her family need to understand that and try to move past it.
Op I would try to reach out but only a but, you have done nothing wrong. Congratulations on your new baby, concentrate on your own family unit during this special time

Speak to them individually. Along the lines of “we’ve had such an awful time, I didn’t want to believe it myself for fear of it all going wrong. Forgive me - I’m so happy he’s here and we can now share the news without worry”. It’d be someone very hard hearted that didn’t “get” that. And congratulations on your baby boy!

What contact do you normally have with them on like a month to month basis? Do they message, visit? How did they react when you told them at 20 weeks? Unless you spent your pregnancy ignoring messages and and skipping meetups you would normally have I don't see what you have to apologise for. It just sounds like you dont have a very close relationship with any of them.

To me they seemed happy for us, but apparently there were lots of whispers as to why I had waited so long to tell them. They felt as though I should've announced sooner.

My first child died traumatically as a baby after spending months in nicu. When I fell pregnant again I told close family and friends after 20 weeks, and some people not until after the birth because I was terrified of something going wrong. You don’t need to apologise or explain to anyone, no one has been through your exact experience and it’s understandable you wanted to protect yourself.

You sound like an awful aunt. No idea what your sisters reasons were but op has suffered devastating loss and must have been on tenterhooks the whole pregnancy. Her family need to understand that and try to move past it.
Op I would try to reach out but only a bit, you have done nothing wrong. Congratulations on your new baby, concentrate on your own family unit during this special time

If you do think you dropped the ball on keeping up with them then I would maybe reach out in a way to briefly explain (because they are too dense to work it out) that you didn't really trust the pregnancy would last until it was all-over. You are so happy that your baby is safely here and would love for them to meet him. Apology isn't needed.
But tbh, unless there is more to this story then they all sound a bit shit

you haven’t done anything wrong whatsoever. So don’t apologise. You can simply reach out and offer to see them. If it comes to it you explain why you behaved how you did and they can take it or leave it. If they don’t understand then that’s on them.

Congratulations xx

I do think it might be nice to explain to your family what has happened and how you were feeling during your pregnancy. I expect they hoped you could lean on them for support and they feel a bit hurt you couldn't. A nice card explaining and then just building the relationship back up.

This
Congratulations on your beautiful baby. Wishing you peace and love after your agonising losses

If they knew about your previous losses, I think they should have a little more imagination. If they didn't, I think I would have been very hurt too. It would feel like you didn't want us involved and I might hesitate to come to meet a baby who i wouldn't get to see again for months or years. I wouldn't want to get attached.

Either way, if you want a relationship, then yes I would message and explain. Not overly apologetic, certainly, but acknowledging that they felt hurt and saying it wasn't your intention.

OP they deserve an explanation once because they are family. Anyone with an ounce of empathy would understand why you behaved the way you did.

I get it.
I didn't tell my family until I was 17 weeks with my daughter and if I thought I could have got away with not telling them about the birth for 3 days I would have. 3h as it was was apparently too long. Different reasons my mum makes everything about her.
I had a miscarriage in the summer and they didn't know I was pregnant. I'm pregnant again and won't be telling them until I have too.
I would get a cute photo of baby (congratulations!) and send it with a note to nearest and dearest. Something like We have gone through a lot over the last few years and never thought we would have a baby in our arms (add as much or as little detail as you need/want). The last 9 months have been taxing emotionally and it was hard to believe it was real and not going to be taken from us but here we are delighted with this bundle of joy. We are sorry for not sharing our journey with you but very much looking forward to introducing X to you all properly and having you in their lives. Much love x

Did your sister lose 5 babies before her successful pregnancy like OP did? Did your sister have parents with addiction issues whose neglect required an aunt to have to step in to support her?

If not, your sister's reasons for not telling you she'd had her baby until day 3 will be very different from OP's reasons.

OP was almost in denial about her pregnancy due to her infertility and previous losses. She is obviously not close to her neglectful parents.

You show no empathy towards the OP so maybe that's the sort of person you are and why your sister didn't tell you about the birth of her baby.

I don't see a anything wrong with what you've done. Your family should respect your decisions and not make it all about them. Sounds like they're the selfish ones

I never ever comment like this as I always try to give people my empathy and understanding and to think well, bad behaviour is usually for a reason etc

but

You sound absolutely horrible.

We all live far from each other so meet ups are far and few between. We only really communicate via the family group chat and I kept active on there as per usual. We had my aunts retirement party when i was 13 weeks and they are upset that I didn't say anything then as we were all together. Buy honestly I really wasn't in a good place and genuinely didn't think the pregnancy would last.