Should I have told my family about my pregnancy and birth?

[lovefromplum]

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 6 years and have experienced 5 losses during this time. Each loss was devastating, but the one that made me feel as though I could never truly trust my body was the loss of our baby girl at 18 weeks gestation.

We agreed to no longer try and instead focus on healing. But, life being what it is at times, I fell pregnant again. I resigned myself to the probability that this would also end in miscarriage and was very detached from the whole experience. However, we were lucky enough to welcome our baby boy recently and are so in love!

We have had a few congratulatory texts but no visitors from my family. While speaking with my cousin she shared that the reason they have all been so distant is because this is how I have made them feel throughout the pregnancy and it has caused a "rift" in the family. My aunts stepped in to support me for much of my childhood due to both my parents being young and having addiction problems. They feel my actions have come across as "ungrateful."

For context, we didn't announce my pregnancy until our 20 week scan and didn't announce his birth until we were home from the hospital (it was a difficult birth) when he was 3 days old.

Admittedly, the whole pregnancy was just me trying to get from one week to the next, and I was like a horse with blinkers on. So I probably did neglect other aspects of my life. I feel terrible and wanted to reach out to them, but my husband is against it. He dislikes the way they have gone about it and says we don't owe anyone access to our lives, even family.

Our friend group has mixed opinions.
I was just going to reach out to family members individually to apologise and explain, but now I'm wondering if I should. I'm so torn. They are my family, but I don't feel like I did anything wrong. But I guess that doesn't mean I didn't hurt their feelings .... Urgh! This is so confusing!

Do I fix it, or let time heal it?

Help please ...

Also OP, I’m so sorry that nasty comment is in danger of derailing the thread, and I contributed by responding! Gah! Just to say I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. I only had one miscarriage before the pregnancy which led to my child, and that made me really guarded and protective, you just do what you have to to survive! I don’t think you did anything wrong at all, you deserve grace, empathy and a whole lot of love and congratulations, so have them from us!!

That's really spiteful, immature and horrible way to treat a child who had no say in his mums decisions. Sounds like they'd all be better off having no contact with you anyway.

Were your family aware of the losses? If they weren't, and you were very distant and kept them at arms reach and un evolved during the pregnancy, then you can't blame them for being distant now the baby is here. You didn't want them involved, you can't then be upset that they no longer want to be involved now it suits you.

Don’t you dare apologise. You did nothing wrong.

They sound dim if they don’t understand why you waited until 20 weeks.

If they care about you they should understand that you also care about them and didn't want to have them excited and happy about your pregnancy only to have to hear the horrible news of another miscarriage, especially a late miscarriage. It is bad enough to have to go through that without having to call everyone and his brother to tell them too.

You probably need to tell them that though, unless someone has been through it they may not understand.

Not annoyed at all. I don't feel entitled to anyone's time and I know they all have their own children etc. It was just an observation that no one had come to see us and my husbands side of the family were asking why. Honestly before they mentioned it, I had just assumed it was because of distance. It was only when I was told about their feelings that I realise why they haven't come.

Lucky him. The less contact he has with nasty bitter people the better.

If they didn’t understand why you waited so long with all the losses you’d been through then that’s on them
id send a brief explanatory message to them about your actions and if they still don’t get it, you can’t change them
congrats on your lovely new baby 💐

Thank you 🤍

Reach out and explain, hopefully that sorts everything and you get that support back. It's not ideal that they're being like this but everyone has flaws.

You sound completely batshit

That's a horrible way to treat a child who had nothing to do with not letting you know about his birth within your approved timeframe.

It's also cutting off your nose to spite your face as you have cut off a family member who could have brought you much joy over the years.

You won't be winning any Aunt of the Year awards any time soon. 😮

It does explain why she wasn't told though!

They’re your family. It sounds like they did the job of raising you and protecting you from your shitty parents. Talk to them. Just go and talk to them. Tell them why you acted the way you did. It doesn’t need to be an apology, just an explanation of your perspective so they can understand it wasn’t anything about them. If they don’t understand after that then they are behaving terribly but you need to explain and give them a chance.

Do they know of your previous losses and struggle with conceiving? If no then I can understand why they'd be hurt.

If yes, they should be a lot more understanding but again they are still allowed to feel hurt

You've done nothing wrong, if you want to try to make peace, I'd just explain as you did here why you didn't want to announce and leave it at that.

Congratulations on your baby 💙

I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm so glad you got your rainbow, baby ❤️

Jesus you’re petty

So sorry for your loss.

OP. I also don't think you need to beg anyone's forgiveness. They should have enough sense to realise that you've been through a lot.

Would your cousin convey this to them.

Congrats on your new baby!

I would write to them. In a nice card. With a photo of the baby attached.

They may not have experienced the horrific sadness you have and may not fully understand the fear involved.

Tell them about your journey. That you were scared of telling anyone in case it jinxed the pregnancy and you were scared to even believe it yourself after last time. As having to go through that and tell them the sad news nearly broke you.

That this time you were desperate to tell them good news but were too scared to do so.

That you never told anyone else the news either (in case they think they were the odd ones out) and in a way you shut down because if the dread of losing another baby.

But that you're delighted to share the news now and are beginning to let go of the all consuming fear and introduce little baby soandso to them before anyone else and hope they can now understand why you pulled back from your most loved family members during the last 9 months, it was nothing personal with them and everything to do with your own mental health.

And say you're sorry for any distress my pulling away caused you. It was not intentional. It was a self defence mechanism that i couldn't overcome and I hope you can forgive that as I was not coping.

It's easily fixed. Just tell them what you told us. Time alone won't heal it, it'll only make it worse.

I would guess not telling them until 3 days later after the birth would sting a bit tbh if it were me and I considered you close family.

You did what was right for you at the time.
I think telling people at 20 weeks and not announcing the birth until you’re home and settled is pretty normal.
For what it’s worth I would do exactly the same.

Huge congratulations to you.

They were aware of 4 out of the 5 losses.

This is lovely.

OP, you did what you had to do to make your life as stress free as possible, no one with an ounce of empathy could fail to understand that. The wording suggested above perfectly sums that up and offers a sensible and drama-free way forward.

Congratulations 💐