Should I have told my family about my pregnancy and birth?

[lovefromplum]

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 6 years and have experienced 5 losses during this time. Each loss was devastating, but the one that made me feel as though I could never truly trust my body was the loss of our baby girl at 18 weeks gestation.

We agreed to no longer try and instead focus on healing. But, life being what it is at times, I fell pregnant again. I resigned myself to the probability that this would also end in miscarriage and was very detached from the whole experience. However, we were lucky enough to welcome our baby boy recently and are so in love!

We have had a few congratulatory texts but no visitors from my family. While speaking with my cousin she shared that the reason they have all been so distant is because this is how I have made them feel throughout the pregnancy and it has caused a "rift" in the family. My aunts stepped in to support me for much of my childhood due to both my parents being young and having addiction problems. They feel my actions have come across as "ungrateful."

For context, we didn't announce my pregnancy until our 20 week scan and didn't announce his birth until we were home from the hospital (it was a difficult birth) when he was 3 days old.

Admittedly, the whole pregnancy was just me trying to get from one week to the next, and I was like a horse with blinkers on. So I probably did neglect other aspects of my life. I feel terrible and wanted to reach out to them, but my husband is against it. He dislikes the way they have gone about it and says we don't owe anyone access to our lives, even family.

Our friend group has mixed opinions.
I was just going to reach out to family members individually to apologise and explain, but now I'm wondering if I should. I'm so torn. They are my family, but I don't feel like I did anything wrong. But I guess that doesn't mean I didn't hurt their feelings .... Urgh! This is so confusing!

Do I fix it, or let time heal it?

Help please ...

I think your cousin is a dumb twunt for telling you all this.
Who supported you during your pregnancy, if not your family? Or, did you and your DH totally close ranks?
You've experienced multiple losses and got childhood trauma from addict parents. I empathise 100%, as experienced both. It can make it hard to trust reality (I was on edge throughout my only 'successful' (twin!) pregnancy)) and I don't trust my family with precious information.
You don't owe anyone an explanation or apology, but the lukewarm response to the birth may be indicative of hurt feelings on the part of some family members. Only apologise if you feel authentically sorry. Only 'explain' if you value the familial relationships.
And, enjoy as much as you can (if sleep deprived!) the blessing of your beautiful child. It never erases the pain of previous losses, but holding your own baby at long last? Nothing like it!
💚

Thank you. I might use the "it's not an apology, it's an explanation" approach to my husband because this is exactly it, maybe with an explanation is all that's needed.

I did explain to my cousin why I was so guarded at times but asked her not to pass this info on as it felt a bit juvenile, he said she said and all that. I wanted to explain to everyone myself.

My god you sound horrendous!!! No wonder she didn't tell you.

Op I don't think you did anything wrong. You sound like you had something like PTSD. Your focus was on you and the baby, as it should be. If they're off with you now, well that's their loss. Congratulations on your amazing baby!!!!

It's a pathetic way to behave and makes it all about them. How could anyone who knows what you've been through not understand why you were so hesitant to share your news and enjoy your pregnancy.

My instinct is to tell them all to fuck off but for the sake of future relationships I like the idea of explaining but absolutely, not apologising.

I think your family are seriously lacking in empathy if they can't understand that after losing a baby at 18 weeks, you might not want to tell everyone about a subsequent pregnancy at 13 weeks. You've had a very hard journey to parenthood, I'm so sorry for your losses and congratulations on your little boy.

You don't need to apologise, but if you value the relationships and want to give them a chance to see sense, an explanation will give them that opportunity, since they've been too insentsitive work it out for themselves. If they don't grasp that opportunity to back down and start behaving with a bit more care towards you, I don't think I'd be giving them a second chance.

Wow maybe it's the hormones guys but your responses are making me tear up!

Thank you to those who made me see things from a different perspective.
Thank you to those of you who made some lovely suggestions on how to move forward (even beautiful wording!)
But most of all, thank you to those who felt safe enough to share your own stories of losses. It's a journey I wish none of us had to walk 🤍

I think I'm going to send out a picture of our bubs with a note thanking them for their understanding and support during this time and if that's not enough then I'm not doing anything more.
We have waited a long time for this and I don't want to be distracted by anything else 🥰

I can see it from both sides - completely understandable how you went about it and I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, but at the same time they feel shut out and hurt so maybe (if you want to maintain a relationship with them) reaching out would be a good idea. A previously close friend of mine didn't tell me about her pregnancy at all and I only heard about the birth through a mutual friend, and it of felt like a clear "this friendship isn't important to me" signal (esp. as when I'd been pregnant she was one of the first people I told). So I get where they're coming from but also you had to look after yourself 💕

I think you should contact them, and I think that should be your starting point.

Did you find it easier to deal with the loss that they didn't know about? Having to manage only your own emotions and not feeling responsible for theirs? I suspect I would.

I think I would tell them that you had five losses not four, and that you were so sure this was going to be a sixth loss that the only way you could cope was by doing as you had done with your fifth loss. That you realise now that your coping strategy also affected them, but you had been too deep in grief and anticipated further grief that you did not see that at the time. That your cousin has told you of their hurt and sorrow, and you are genuinely sorry to have caused those feelings when you had thought you were shielding them from your pain.

"I feel terrible and wanted to reach out to them, but my husband is against it. He dislikes the way they have gone about it and says we don't owe anyone access to our lives, even family."
I disagree with your husband. I suspect he thinks he is protecting you from what he perceives as your family's unkindness. But while their distance may feel unkind, there's a lot of them not being able to understand what you have gone through - because they have never gone through such devastation, except at second-hand. And they feel discarded.

Your aunts and cousins are your son's family too. Doesn't he deserve to know them? I would reach out to them.

My thoughts too!

Thank you for your advice and understanding and I'm so sorry for your loss 🤍

But what do you need to apologise about really?

You have done nothing wrong but if you explained to them, as you have to us, they will understand.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, that is marvellous news.

As someone who had one early miscarriage and got pregnant a decade later with a surprise, I can understand, when you're just trying to run the clock to a happy ending.....fuss and stress from other people just wasn't what I could handle...the baby that few people knew about is now 7. No regrets. I understand the thought process, if you're not close it's just easier x

Speaking as someone who has also experienced a late loss I can totally understand why did what you did. It’s not an enjoyable experience, you just have to get through it. You have to do what’s best for you and your mental health - no one else’s!

People that haven’t experienced loss like yours will never get it. You can try to explain if you like but they will most not really comprehend and it sounds like from their initial reaction that they lack the empathy to even try.

What type of people behave like this? My God!

"So now I never acknowledge his birthday"

WindowsSmindows this is truly spiteful & vindictive

Imagine being this self absorbed and narcissistic. The mind boggles

They sound thick as pigshit......delaying telling of a pregnancy after losses particularly after a pregnancy loss later on like you had is normal. The reasons behind it are understandable. If they can't see that then that's their problem.

Enjoy your baby. And don't give their ridiculous behavior anymore head space.

I’m so sorry for your losses.
i just wanted to say, you shouldn’t feel bad for protecting yourself and putting your needs first in the pregnancy and after loss and now. You did what you did because you were in survival mode of getting through each day even.

i’m actually currently doing exactly what you have done avoiding people, avoiding what’s happening to protect my heart, not even mentioning it tbh.. pregnancy after loss is hard. So hard in fact. (We lost a little girl at 20 weeks)
I think be gentle with yourself and do what makes you happy. But personally I don’t think you owe anyone an apology and if they loved and cared for you they wouldn’t even think you needed to apologises

take care and enjoy the small moments with your newborn.

First of all - what wonderful news! Congratulations on the birth of your baby xxx
I can’t see what you have done wrong - you told people at your 20 week scan. Given your previous losses, this is both reasonable and sensible. What on earth is their beef with you??
oh and PS congratulations again, and please DO NOT let this take any shine from the birth of your lovely new baby x

I did pretty much exactly the same as you for the same reasons and nobody minded. I wouldn't apologise but I would explain - I know you must be wondering why I didn't tell you sooner, i honestly just couldn't let myself believe that I'd end up with a baby at the end of this. I think I just went into self-preservation mode. I really hope you can understand.

They'll either get it or choose to continue to take offence.

Congratulations on the birth of your precious baby. And I'm sorry your family are struggling to see things from your perspective.

I think it's possible to reach out to them and acknowledge that they feel hurt without apologising as such.

Dear all,
As you know we experienced desperate heartbreak over the last ... years. The loss of our precious babies has been almost unbearable. We didn't dare let ourselves believe this time it might be different. We couldn't allow ourselves to be excited or reach out to you all until it was finally a reality and xxxxx was actually here. We hope you understand what we were going through and know it wasn't to exclude you. We really hope you can now share in our joy and we would love for you to meet xxx

That sort of thing?