Should I have told my family about my pregnancy and birth?

[lovefromplum]

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 6 years and have experienced 5 losses during this time. Each loss was devastating, but the one that made me feel as though I could never truly trust my body was the loss of our baby girl at 18 weeks gestation.

We agreed to no longer try and instead focus on healing. But, life being what it is at times, I fell pregnant again. I resigned myself to the probability that this would also end in miscarriage and was very detached from the whole experience. However, we were lucky enough to welcome our baby boy recently and are so in love!

We have had a few congratulatory texts but no visitors from my family. While speaking with my cousin she shared that the reason they have all been so distant is because this is how I have made them feel throughout the pregnancy and it has caused a "rift" in the family. My aunts stepped in to support me for much of my childhood due to both my parents being young and having addiction problems. They feel my actions have come across as "ungrateful."

For context, we didn't announce my pregnancy until our 20 week scan and didn't announce his birth until we were home from the hospital (it was a difficult birth) when he was 3 days old.

Admittedly, the whole pregnancy was just me trying to get from one week to the next, and I was like a horse with blinkers on. So I probably did neglect other aspects of my life. I feel terrible and wanted to reach out to them, but my husband is against it. He dislikes the way they have gone about it and says we don't owe anyone access to our lives, even family.

Our friend group has mixed opinions.
I was just going to reach out to family members individually to apologise and explain, but now I'm wondering if I should. I'm so torn. They are my family, but I don't feel like I did anything wrong. But I guess that doesn't mean I didn't hurt their feelings .... Urgh! This is so confusing!

Do I fix it, or let time heal it?

Help please ...

Also I'll never forget the look on a friend's face when I went to meet her for coffee about a week before my due date and completely forgot that I hadn't actually told her I was pregnant.

How unlucky your sister is to have one like you. And to take it out on your nephew by ignoring his birthday? Disgusting. I'm sure he'll grow up Happy enough not to have bitter influences in his life though.

Yes this. OP congratulations! It might make you feel better to explain, but I don’t think any apology is necessary. You did what you needed to get you and the wee one through.

I’m not so sure you are “team family”; there’s a boy, your nephew, who has an aunt who completely ignores his birthday, on purpose.

I can understand why they will feel they want to distance themselves you done so to them.

You haven't done anything wrong OP you did what you needed to do to protect your mental health and own sanity.

FWIW I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy with DS2 until 18 weeks for my parents and 20 weeks for DH parents (my MIL had done some crazy stuff when I had a 15 week miscarriage) and we didn't tell anyone else til 24 weeks (I hadn't had clear scans with DS2 til 24 weeks). I definitely resonate with the description of blinkers on to get through.

Agree you don't need to apologise you did what you needed to do to protect yourself and stop the potential spiral of others when you have a constant dread feeling. If you want to explain then by all means do so but you did what you did for protection simple as.

Enjoy all your baby cuddles I found it definitely helped heal my wounded heart and I didn't realise how much til I had those.

I absolutely agree with this. You've been through something terrible and it's your story to tell. Or not to tell. You really don't owe them anything. If I was your family member I'd just assume you had good reasons not to say anything so wouldn't even flinch that you haven't told me (or told me late) about your pregnancy and baby.

Massive congrats though 🥳

Well, let's hope the op's family are more empathetic than you are. I'm dumbfounded that you could read the OP's story ( you have read all her posts?) and conclude that you would distance yourself from her ! Instead of understanding why they acted as they did .

Your family need to understand how tough it was for you. Your mind was focused on hour to hour day to day getting through. You felt detached for half your pregnancy and after all you’ve been through it’s completely understandable. Your family needs to step up and start being nice to you. They sound selfish though. Just let them get on with selfish whilst you get on with looking after your new family.

Firstly, congratulations on your little one!

Secondly - your family are being very unreasonable. We didn’t tell anyone (inc parents) until after the 20week scan with our first baby, in case there were any issues. No previous losses just being cautious. Nobody seemed to think it was odd that we waited until then to announce. when baby arrives we did tell parents on the day but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wait until day 3 if you/baby weren’t well.

You have nothing to apologise for - enjoy your baby!

Thats a pretty shitty thing for you to do to be fair, i don't know why you seem very proud of yourself......

I'm sorry for your losses. Congratulations on your wonderful baby boy. YANBU at all. Take care of yourself x

You haven't done anything wrong. Unless, you've experienced infertility and losses you really couldn't possibly comprehend the devastation. Those cycles of hope, joy, fear, sadness, grief and anger ( in my case also raging jealousy, resentment and self loathing).

I had 7 years of various treatments. I lost 2 sets of twins during the process. My eldest was my last ditch attempt. I was ready for a nervous breakdown. We agreed one more try and then no more. I didn't tell my siblings until after 20 weeks. Everyone else much later around 26 - 30 weeks and only of the saw me. There was no announcement. I also would allow anyone to buy anything for the baby. I had a traumatic pregnancy and a traumatic birth (emergency section). Until she was a year old I expected her to die. If I'm honest I'm still traumatised by it. Everyone expects the trauma to disappear once you have the baby but in my experience it stays with you and is a part of you.

I think your family are only thinking of themselves and their wants and hurt. Maybe they think that they aren't as important to you as you are to them. They sound hurt. That doesn'tesn you done anything wrong. They feel how they feel. It's up to them if they want it to damage your relationship moving forward.

You’re clearly not “team family” just “team me” You don’t acknowledge your nephew’s birthday is just pathetic

We didn't tell anyone I was pregnant with dc3 until I was 20 weeks pregnant & I had no previous losses etc.

I just felt as I was older (late 30s), I wanted to make sure the abnormality scan etc was clear as I didn't want to tell dc1&2 they were getting a sibling incase something went wrong (they were early teens at the time- big ahead gap).

No one minded at all! They were just happy for us.

Your family seems over invested & a bit too much- you did nothing wrong at all

You haven’t done anything wrong so don’t apologise but you could explain why you kept a little distance during your pregnancy and birth. I’ve had a child after many losses and felt the same as you during pregnancy- it didn’t feel real or I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it was real. You’ve had a very traumatic time and this is how you coped. I hope your family understand in the end that this wasn’t you pushing them away but you trying to protect yourself as much as you could

@lovefromplum , I pretty much fully kept my last pregnancy a secret from everyone. I’d had two M/C in between, one left me genuinely thinking I was going to die. And that still not as awful as what you have been through. Some people don’t get the detachment and/or fear that comes with trauma - what you did was a self protection, and once your baby arrived safely I’m sure those first couple of days were a haze of many different emotions. Anyone who thinks you did anything in poor form should have a word with themselves (and most women don’t announce a pregnancy until 20 weeks regardless!).

Talking of having a word with themselves, probably little point adding a reply to the utter insanity posted by @WindowsSmindows . I will only say I hope the treatment you’ve shown to your sister and her child will be returned to you in kind one day.

I'm 36 weeks and there are still some friends and family members that don't know about this rainbow baby I am carrying after my late term loss last year.

I have various reasons for this but mostly, like you, I was just trying to get through the pregnancy (and at the start part of me was very detached in order to protect myself)

I think it can be hard for people who have had losses to understand how pregnancy and birth is afterwards. It's no longer the completely joyous occasion. I guess it could come across as selfish but it's not.

I would reach out to the people you want to. If you feel like you can or should provide a explanation then do so but ultimately people being upset or put out by choices you made during a uncertain, emotionally hard time is on them and not you.

I think not telling them until 20 weeks is understandable. Not telling them your son has arrived safely for three days, quite poor (different if in NICU or complications).

I think the problem you have here is that they thought they'd taken on something of a mother role to you and so feel more hurt (and are probably entitled to) than most aunt's would. If they see you like a daughter it would be highly unusual not to know you had given birth.

But whatever the rights and wrongs, I don't think it's the time to dig in. I don't agree you don't need anymore else. Assuming they are good people don't deny your son a family relationship for the sake of being 'right'.

Apologise, say you were stressed and a bit out of it and you are sorry you hurt them.

I had a stillbirth at full term and multiple miscarriages afterwards. In my one successful pregnancy, I didn’t tell anyone until 20 weeks, and many people didn’t know until after my son had been safely delivered and I was sure he was going to survive.

People who haven’t experienced late term / full term / newborn loss or multiple miscarriages just don’t get it.

People who can’t let their family members have any privacy around pregnancy / birth, or feel entitled to a blow by blow account of every event, or to be the first to know about everything, have serious issues with boundaries and control.

Let your aunts come talk to you if they have a problem; you have nothing to apologise for.

And I’m guessing there absolutely is a backstory. …….missing reasons

I wouldn't apologise but I would also want peace. Maybe explain why you behaved the way you did and leave it at that....

Also don't forget that if they love you, they may have been worried and annoyed that you (or your husband as it's often dad that does a quick update) didn't put their minds at rest.

My mum hates my labours. Found it very upsetting and worried about the process.

If she found out I hadn't told her it was fine, she'd have been very hurt.

There's a lot of emotion around pregnancy and birth. I think we often don't realise how many people have a bit of trauma around it because we tend to put it behind us and move on - and not many decades ago there was a lot less understanding.

You had reasons to be private, they have reasons to feel hurt about it. But this is ultimately about your son and you all owe it to him to try and make it right so don't end up drawing battle lines you can never retreat from.

Maybe just invite them to come and meet your bsby. Say you can’t wait for him to meet his lovely great aunties.
TBH if you were my niece ( that Im close to for similar reasons to you) I would just be so happy for you. I might feel a bit perplexed that she didn’t tell me until three days after the birth but i wouldn’t dwell on it at all , I’d just accept that’s what she wanted. I might wait to be invited round though because it would feel like you and dh wanted your privacy with new baby so I wouldn’t want to intrude.