How awful that much-loved 30-year-old son cut all contact

[soupsetpleasehelp]

I'm actually writing as I have a very, dear old friend whose DS has completely cut her off. He is in his early 30s and he grew up between his parents (in a different country so no risk that this is outing) after his dad left the mum, shared contact which is common over there. The dad has since then had numerous relationships, and was horrible towards my friend in the early days, and wouldn't provide enough economic support etc. All the main care really came from my friend.

Anyhow, she was always extremely close to her son and was (is) the most warm, loving mum (person) you could imagine. Her son was always her first priority (but I wouldn't say he was spoilt) and we, her friends, always used to meet up with him and he was super cuddly and loving with his mum. No wonder, she was always very encouraging. However, over the last few years he's gone into modelling and has had a few girlfriends, the most recent one who is from a wealthy family.

My friend's son has slowly cut contact from last Xmas until a hard cut off earlier this year. He kept bringing up old (what I would have considered normal experiences) from when he was a child, when he felt she didn't meet his needs with regards to taking him e.g. to the doctors immediately after a fall (she did the next day when he complained of more pain, he initially said it was OK) and he had a fracture. Well, I'm sure lots of parents would have been the same. She is the most far from neglectful you could imagine, a wonderful person.

My friend has taken onboard that perhaps she and her parents at times talked about her ex husband (the father) in not too rosy a terms but I don't think it was a bad case of it at all, just a few occasions (tbh we all knew how awful the father was to my friend).

I wonder at times whether he due to mental health issues is gaslighting his mum, and now that he is in the modelling world and with rich girlfriend and parents, he somehow is embarrassed about his mum (who is very overweight and lives in a small flat) and that this has created some sort of dissonance which have led him to almost create false memories of how awful she was when he was growing up.

I hate seeing my friend upset and I would like to offer to write a letter to the son (and perhaps to his girlfriend and her parents as they only have his word) as I know both my friend and remember seeing her son grow up from 0-5, then seeing them regularly almost every year until he was in his late teens/early 20s. She honestly is a natural with kids and the kindest friend.

I would like to hear from all of you out there that have been affected by this either as the person being cut off, or the person dropping contact. What would be the best way to approach this letter?

I've made it very clear a million times that I consider abuse to be a great reason for NC. It's not my fault you can't read.

You stay put love. Seems like you have very little else to do with your time.

I thought your post that I responded to was a perfect example.

She did and we are, because you know what? People aren't perfect.

Well, I do hope you would remain so stoic if it did, indeed, happen to you

Do you? I hope I would too because whining and complaining to people online or in real life about how my expectations weren’t met by my children would be an awful way to go through life. And I don’t think it would conduce to happiness or to my children wanting to be with me.

Honestly I think this thread has shown why some people go NC because some posters are just so beyond goady the only way to deal with this is NC. Sometimes I think this is done with the intention of derailing or attention seeking. Trying to cause a nasty reaction to then poor me. Sad really.

Are you serious? You have bleated on and on about horrible people cutting parents off and telling us about how hard it was for your poor parents and how utterly awful it was and that it was for no reason because you lived in the same house and your parents were fine.... and now people aren't perfect?

Bizarre.

So, we should be allowed to have differing opinions without bullying tactics. There has been a huge increase in estrangements amongst millennials, a lot of stuff on social media and TikTok - see this image. As you can see, the bar for 'abuse' is so low in cases that it would fall under 'parents who are not perfect' virtually. Not at all minimising those who have suffered serious abuse of course.

As to the last part of your post, just as long as you would be fine with your kids cutting you off because, after all, nobody owes anyone anything and we're all islands, then OK.

I don’t think anyone would be fine with it happening to them. But that doesn’t mean no one should ever do it.

Here is a flow chart of how people are suggested they decide whether to go NC or not. It's frightening.

In like this post, because it actually tells me why someone might feel triggered, instead of just calling me every name under the sun and character-assassinating me.

I had no idea that people who estrange themselves go through so much doubt beforehand. They always seem really sure and really final, so much so that it's hard to believe they don't just move on without a backward glance.

If you struggled with a voice like that in your head, regarding making the decision, I can totally see why you found mine triggering. I had no idea that my opinion would echo what you yourself had been thinking in the difficult times when you were making your decision.

Please accept my apologies for mimicking that voice. It wasn't my intention at all. I'm so sorry that your parents were so awful that you had to make such a heartbreaking decision.

Are things better for you these days?

Sounds like your friend's son has an abusive girlfriend who is trying to isolate him from everyone. Very sad situation

It's difficult to know, I'm not sure she is. I'm just not sure my friend's son is in a good place with himself.

I think you are mistaking correlation for causation. I don’t think there is sny reputable, statistically valid, research showing that millennials are estranging from parents at a higher rate than previous generations, or that the amount of estrangement in the population is “too high” relative to some normatively correct baseline, or that tiktok influencers are to blame.

Old people have been complaining about careless and impious youth since Socrates was put to death for influencing them. There is absolutely nothing new under the sun. If people want to be in a close, secure, relationship with their children then work at it. Can we stop blaming the internet for our family problems?

One can recognise that someone has behaved badly - horribly even- but still maintain a relationship with them. Theres nothing bizarre or contradictory about that.

I don't really understand what you mean. I don't condone my sister's behaviour, but I stay out of it.

There are influencers on TikTok and therapists more likely (at least in the US) to support estrangement.

People see things in different ways, and I definitely think parents, my own included, look at things through rose tinted glasses. If you asked my parents I had a wonderful childhood. I didn’t. Don’t get involved

I've already said I won't write the letter. I said that yesterday!!

So what? I am a therapist and if my patient thought it was warranted I would support their decision to estrange.

So, maybe we should all take this test???
https://patrickteahantherapy.webflow.io/toxic-family-test
Social media and influencers like this do have a lot to answer for...

@soupsetpleasehelp - how has your friend responded to her sons accusations of abuse so far?

I don't think that EVERY single estrangement is the faut of the dumped, although most probably are.

I'm sorry you see such a reasonable opinion as being goady.

You cannot MAKE people talk to you or have you in their lives. You cannot browbeat them, manipulate them, beg them, threaten them, shame them, diagnose them, ask them to go to therapy etc.

People will have their own reasons why they want no contact. End of.

Ohh and you cannot get your friend to write a letter to your estranged son, his girlfriend and her parents asking why and giving your friend's interpretation of his childhood.

I do wonder if the increase in NC is due to some boomers being emotionally incontinent, lacking in empathy, manipulative, self serving and borderline abusive?

Just to add, I don’t really think the above. I have boomer parents and I don’t see any of my aunties and uncles and friends’ parents being like that. Just twisting the narrative a bit. 😉