To think I can't go back to work at 6 months?

[88MincePies]

We live abroad and unfortunately I only get 6 months mat leave. It's a very stressful job, I would be leaving the house at 8, coming home around 6pm and expected to log back in for another 1-2 hours at least.

My baby is 3 months, exclusively breastfed, and I'm dreading it. Pumping 24/7, meetings, work, home in a hurry to have 1-2 hours with my baby, then log in again, then hope to sleep. I think it's cruel to leave my baby with a stranger when she's so young. And it's horrible for me, I can't see how I can make this work and save my sanity.

I can't quit as the amount of money I would have to pay the company for leaving early is enormous. So I need to make it work. Any helpful tips please???

Baby has a milk and soy allergy and hates the prescription formula (very common, paediatrician said it tastes shit and babies tend to hate it unless they're on it from early on) so I can't put him on formula at this point. I'll have to pump.

Obviously it's doable, the Americans leave their babies at barely weeks old.

But I think it horrifically cruel to mother and baby. Working such long hours too you'll miss out on loads, baby will basically be weaned, learn to crawl/walk, talk, routine set by someone else. They're small just once and this is what sets them up for life- surely you want a parent to be the main influence rather than paid help.

I'd be downsizing/ relocating/ whatever I could to avoid it. I would take a loan if needed to give the company the payments back.

@RabbitsEatPancakes well clearly you haven't done it, as your opinion is that it's 'horrifically cruel.'

Take it from a mum who did return to work when my baby was 12 weeks old. She was a happy, healthy child who has grown into a lovely, happy, well adjusted woman in her 30s. She has a great relationship with us, her parents.

You're wrong: we didn't miss out on her crawling/ walking/ talking etc because as parents we were always the primary carers and main influence. Oh and I bf her until she was two.

I'm not the exception: this is what thousands of mums did in the UK not that long ago. Year long mat leave is relatively new. And of course loads of countries have shorter Mat leave than the U.K... their children don't all grow up damaged because of it!

It's quite unpleasant to scare monger about something you have no first hand experience of. Just because you would relocate, get into debt etc to avoid returning to work, doesn't mean those who do return to work are doing something wrong.

2 kids, I went back to work both times when they were 6 months (albeit in the UK, with more flexibility on working hours). It is totally manageable, and you won't be "pumping round the clock" - I pumped twice a day at work when baby would have been feeding / I needed to and kept up breastfeeding at home (both mine ebf until around 13 months) Not saying it's easy to juggle a tiny baby and a full time job, but wanted to reassure you that it is possible. We used a nursery for both kids (born 2 years apart) and it has been a wonderful and enriching experience for both of them.

I recommend a hands-free pump like elvie as its so much easier at work (I was actually able to pump and work on my laptop at the same time!)

It is totally doable. I went back when my first was 16 weeks old, as I could not afford to stay off longer. I had 1.5 hour each way commute, so left around 7am, not home until 7pm, DH did most of the drop offs although I did negotiate some WFH. He was a dairy intolerant, refluxy little delight and work was soooo much easier than being at home with him! I also had PND and found the routine of work helped me recover. Work provided a room for me to express, fridge etc, until I decided to stop BF when he was around 9 months old. I found the return to work much easier with a young baby than I did with my second who was 8 months when I returned. At 16 weeks, he bonded with his key worker happily and settled so much more quickly than a slightly older one.

@RabbitsEatPancakes Telling people it is cruel to go back or that they will miss out when they have young babies is not helpful. It is demonising working mothers and I think it is far more cruel to make this suggestion. There is enough 'mum guilt' tied up in having to make this decision already, without adding to the load by suggesting they are bad mothers for doing it and that their babies will suffer.

Hard as it may be I think you need to stop breast feeding and switch to bottles before you go back to work. Find a formula that works. That will relieve a lot of stress. You can’t be perfect at home and perfect at work. I switched to bottles at three months for both DC and they grew up healthy and strong. My DiL went back to work after 12 weeks and I know a head teacher who only took 6 weeks. You need a nanny - baby really won’t mind who gives cuddles, feeds and changes nappies.

Great that your DH could do most of the drops offs. That’s such a help - can completely see why it’s doable when both parents can split the drop offs and pick ups. And some working from home. Is this an option for you OP?

@RabbitsEatPancakes lots of ‘firsts’ come after they are one so even parents who have a year off might still miss things . With your logic anybody who works before their child goes to school is being horrifically cruel to their child . Ridiculous .

You're not being ridiculous but it is totally doable.

I went back to work when my daughter was 5 months old. I was out of the house from 8am-6pm (admittedly only 3 days a week).

In those days, the advice was to introduce solids at 4 months. That was helpful because I had time to get her used to solid food before I went back to work.

I had started pumping and storing milk well before I went back to work, so I had lots stored in the freezer which I gave to my childminder.

On working days I fed her myself in the morning and evening and pumped once during the day. On non-working days I fed her whenever she wanted it and also pumped a bit. For the first few days it was a bit uncomfortable only pumping once, but breasts are wonderfully adaptable and it didn't cause any problems to swap between working and non-working days.

The stocks of milk in the freezer gradually dwindled because I wasn't adding as much as she was using, but it lasted until she was 12 months old and could drink cow's milk. At that point I stopped pumping, but continued to breastfeed for another 6 months.

Yes, it is hard to go back to work when you child is so young, but it's harder for you than it is for your child (obviously provided that you find decent childcare. I was lucky to have a wonderful childminder.

Good luck.

Had to go back at 16 weeks with DS1. That's all it covered back then. My wages covered the nursery and about £100 on top, but we needed that £100 so off I went.

6 months would have been better.

Come one, what major firsts are after a year? First jump? The big ones are in the first year. Not just firsts but them learning, developing their basic feelings even towards food for example.

Sorry my opinion of it being cruel to separate tiny babies from their mums has made so many who chose to do this feel guilty. But I'm allowed to think it is.

If you're out of the house 8-6 5 days a week then you're hardly still their main influence. Their nanny would be.

Consider that dogs live a fraction of what we do and its illegal to remove them from their mums before 8 weeks. Why would a human baby be ok to be away for such long periods at 12 weeks. Inhumane, and absolutely I wouldn't have had my babies if I was planning that.

There is a lot of hate against working mothers that seems ( from all evidence ) utterly unjustified

6 months is 24 weeks not 12 - is OP going back after 3 months or 6?

I only recall one baby first - that first smile
After that the delight moments occurred when she was older - things she did that made me proud of the person she was becoming

If you really can't cope the one of you has to give up working. Baby will move onto bottle if they have too.

I had to go back to work FT at 6 months because I was the main wage earner and we couldn't afford for me to stay off. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. You may find thqat the baby will drink milk for others but not for you, or drink water in the day and BF at night.

I went back part time at six months but what you describe sounds horrendous. Let's not beat around the bush.

You will be woken at night, you will come home and be absolutely broken at the end of the day and want to take your baby and go to bed. You will not have it in you to do two hours more work .

I would be looking at ways to quit and return to UK.

Definitely not ideal, I wouldn't want to and I really do feel for you! I'm only expecting my first as well.

Speaking from experiences of other women I know, quite a few teachers have gone back after 6 months and returned full time. My own mum took 3 months with me and 6 with my brother, pumped at work and had a nanny (which apparently cost the same as her salary). A friend of a friend took something like 4 weeks or something crazy in France!

I think it's probably harder for us to leave them than it is for them to be looked after by someone else.

You do know that first milestones can happen at home too? They don’t always happen at nursery.

OP is also talking about a 6 month old, not a 3 month old.

Exactly.

Also good post from @KnigCnut .

Seriously @RabbitsEatPancakes - you should give some thought to what you post, especially on a thread from a new Mum who is feeling a bit vulnerable.
"Horrifically cruel" indeed.