To think I can't go back to work at 6 months?

[88MincePies]

We live abroad and unfortunately I only get 6 months mat leave. It's a very stressful job, I would be leaving the house at 8, coming home around 6pm and expected to log back in for another 1-2 hours at least.

My baby is 3 months, exclusively breastfed, and I'm dreading it. Pumping 24/7, meetings, work, home in a hurry to have 1-2 hours with my baby, then log in again, then hope to sleep. I think it's cruel to leave my baby with a stranger when she's so young. And it's horrible for me, I can't see how I can make this work and save my sanity.

I can't quit as the amount of money I would have to pay the company for leaving early is enormous. So I need to make it work. Any helpful tips please???

Baby has a milk and soy allergy and hates the prescription formula (very common, paediatrician said it tastes shit and babies tend to hate it unless they're on it from early on) so I can't put him on formula at this point. I'll have to pump.

It sounds like there really isn’t any option and you will just have to try and make it work. I would start pumping a little bit now, work it into your routine and try and make a freezer stash. I used to use a Hakka for the first two feeds of the day (that was when I would get the most) and that those two Hakka sessions would make one full feed. If you started this now you would have a reasonable amount. Also start giving a bottle once a day every day to make sure they will accept it. Look for childcare that you are comfortable leaving such a small baby. It will be tough but not impossible. The USA has ridiculous maternity leave system with mums going back after a few weeks and they actually have higher breastfeeding rates than the UK so it can be done. Maybe start following US mums on instagram and watch some of their pumping content to get a feel for how it works.

Just be wary OP that the women who say it’s doable are often in different situations. Yes it’s doable if the DH is around and pulls his weight. Yes it’s doable if the MIL is round the corner and helpful. Yes it’s doable if you have a short commute and aren’t expected to log back on for hours in the evening.. etc etc.

Plus your work don’t sound that flecxible. Not to be negative but I don’t want you to beat yourself up if it’s hard to make this work.

I want back at 12 weeks then 16 for next one it's knackering but completely doable if you have good childcare set up. In a way it's better because baby gets used to childcare before horrible separation anxiety kicks in later.

I said it was doable but not because I’m being flippant. It will be extremely hard but the Op has clearly said she has no other option so surely it’s better to try and give advice about how to make it doable instead of saying nope can’t be done?

In terms of breastfeeding, the US has higher rates of breastfeeding than the UK even though most mothers are back at work within 3 months. So yes it is possible.

It is doable. For my sanity I reduced how much milk she had in the day by 9 months and gave her more early morning and evening. Helped she was a poor sleeper anyway. By then I had enough in the freezer that I didn’t need express too often at work. My work has had a really good double pump that each mother then purchased her own equipment to use with it. I went back when she was 4 months as I was in the US

I don't think you're ridiculous at all - but it's definitely going to be ok.

When I had DD in 1997 (overseas) maternity was six weeks and pretty much everyone went back after that. I was considered a bit "special" because I saved my holiday to extend it to nine weeks. When absolutely everyone is doing the same, there's a feeling of solidarity. My ex had left and my parents were horrified by this and didn't want me back in the UK, so again it was all relative.

The milk situation sounds the toughest to me. I didn't breast feed at all because I knew I'd be working a bit two weeks after her birth. But getting into a routine, getting bottles done early in the morning and having a reliable childminder all worked - and I lived for weekends. My hours were very similar to yours, admittedly not with the logging back on.

It seemed odd to me that anyone would take a whole year when I came back here, just because I wasn't used to it. There were brilliant holiday camps that every single child attended as well. DD is 27 and we're incredibly close.

I went back to work at 5-6 months with all three of mine and it was progressively easier with each one. The first I was so upset but soon got back into a normal rhythm, and the last I was chomping at the bit to get back! Whatever happens, you will get into a new routine and it will start to feel normal with time. It is definitely doable even though it might feel impossible at first.

I went back at 6 months with two of mine. Emotionally it wasn't great but in terms of practicalities it was fine. I didn't pump at all the last time- just fed loads mornings and evenings and tried to do shorter days when I could. Your milk supply will adjust although it was uncomfortable to start with.

I didn't love it but I do think it was easier to settle the ones who went earlier than my middle child who started at 12 months if that's any consolation!

Well, obviously it is totally do-able. As others have said, it was the norm to go back after 3 months leave when we had our dc.
I think it is wonderful that things have improved and some people are now able to take so much longer, I am definitely not someone who would say "We did it so so should you", but it hopefully reassures you that a whole generation went back after 3 months and our dc are all fine.

Also, plenty of people don't have the luxury of a year's leave in 2024. Look at the States for one. But, even in the UK, look at all the people that can't afford to take a year out.

I think the "leaving them with a stranger line" is a bit daft. Presumably you are going to leave them with a childcare professional who you have met, and felt confident in their abilities and done settling in session with.

To follow up, you're not being ridiculous and it is definitely do-able

My DC1 was 6 months when I went back to work, yes I would've preferred a longer maternity leave but that's what the circumstances were

My baby went into a lovely nursery and settled in very quickly, it helped that it was right next door to my workplace so that was a bonus

I felt comparatively lucky going back to work at 6 months compared with my friend who lived in New York who was back at her desk when her baby was barely 3 months

Just to add I live in the UK so I 'could' have had the full year off

@NewName24 @TurquoiseDress

while my husband is British, I'm not, I'm from continental Europe and everyone at home has taken 2 years! My family and friends from both home and the UK are making me feel awful as they all have so much longer. Maybe it's different psychologically if you can have a year off, but choose to go back at 6 months. I don't know how I'll feel and now this horrible deadline is hanging over me.

Completely doable. I went back full time when DD was 6 months. Young babies tend to settle into nurseries easier. DD was exclusively breast fed but this becomes less important as you wean and they gave her a great variety of food. Obviously difficult and tiring especially to start with but completely possible

Of course, you can go back at 6 months. Thousands of women do and it’s not even that early. You may not want to and may choose not too, but it’s absolutely a choice and not a hardship, if you need to pump, you pump, and at 6 months they should be starting weaning anyway. I am not even going to indulge the “it’s cruel to leave my baby with a stranger” comment…
in life, we constantly need to make choices, that’s how it is.

I get it, I really do. I'd find that very tough.
It is unfortunately the way of life though and honestly I don't think you'll find it as bad as you think, for your baby at least. Your baby will be fine, honestly.
It's more about you though. I didn't cope when I went back after a year but that's because i set too high expectations of myself and it just didn't work.
I felt guilty today for putting my child into before and after school club. I gave myself a good shake tonight though as she was fine, it was fine, it's the norm for many children, so I need to stop being ridiculous.

You will make it work and your baby will be ok being looked after by someone else. You need decent childcare, that's all.

Instead of comparing your situation to that of people who have two years off, look at all the women who go back at two weeks, or four weeks - and think how hard that must be. If they can do it, so can you.

Of course it’s doable. Your baby won’t be EBF at six months, they will be on solid food.

I went back to my very stressful job as a lawyer at six months, twice. My kids are happy and healthy teens now, I don’t think they suffered harm.

Spare a thought for my late mum who, decades ago, as headmistress of a secondary school, went back to work when my sister was two weeks old. Said sister is now an eye surgeon, she herself only took 3 months leave when she had her kids.

I’m self employed and had to go back at 6mo to keep my business. My ds was ebf and refused bottles. It was fine.
We started food a bit early (5.5mo) and got him eating lots. Mostly now but lots of dairy and porridge made up with bm (changed to cows milk after a few mo). I trained him to use a cup with loads of practice and he never did take a bottle. He bf till 13mo but only morning and evening. After the first month or two I didn’t even pump during the day.
honestly they change so much at the 6mo point.
the one thing I wouldn’t do in this first year is the extra work from home in the evening. Your baby will need you in the evening and then you’ll need your sleep. You just need to make excuses why you can’t work at home except in dire emergencies.

Definitely doable. At 6 months, your baby will start solids which will help too.

I went back at 3 months by choice but I formula fed. It’s definitely trickier with breastfeeding but not impossible.

It's absolutely doable. My friend in Paris has gone back at 3 months each time because that's what she had to do. Pumping is legally protected in the US precisely because leaves are so short and more US women manage to breastfeed than UK ones, so it's clearly workable.

It might not be the most fun you have ever had but you will adapt and cope and so will your baby.

You were lucky to get six months!

Its totally doable and majority of women in the world have to make it work with much less

If you can afford a nanny, that could work very well all the way through to school. Take time to choose the right woman. Milk and food will work out. Hopefully you can get some flexibility on office hours and commute. It’ll be worth it in the long term. And as I said it’s what most women have to do, so you’re in good company!

Is there anyway you could ask to go back 4 days? Having one less day might help. I did go back at 26 weeks for my oldest 2, as maternity leave was only 6 months in the early 2000’s. Yes it was doable, my husband worked full time and at that time there was no home working so we were both travelling into work each day. My second would not take a bottle at that time from me, but actually was fine at nursery, sometimes he would want a feed as soon as he saw me, but otherwise he was fine, I think they offered formula milk and water in a sippy cup and he was eating cereal etc. I didn’t express for him at work and my supply just kind of adjusted ok. It was hard but the time passed quickly and neither of them seemed to be affected long term.

I went back at 6 months with mine. 20 years ago it was pretty normal.

I worked shorter hours than you, but worked every day and there was no option to wfh in those days.

Yes, I was knackered, but the dcs were fine. They settled into nursery without any problem at all and it just became our way of life.

Can you at least stick it out until contractually you don't have to pay your maternity pay back?

Not sure this helps but when I had mine you got 29 weeks max, many went back earlier due to maternity pay ending earlier . Babies were fine, women managed, went pt or quit. In a perfect world we wouldn't be making this decision yet but it will be ok