Am I ‘censoring’ my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I am very well known in my professional field and, although I have political opinions, I choose to be publicly non-political. My husband is on social media and lots of people know he’s my husband. He likes to post very partisan, provocative political things that many people would find annoying/offensive. I’ve asked him not to do this, for my sake - because my professional life is quite stressful enough without having to deal with people popping up and saying, ‘Hey, what do you think about your husband saying X, Y, Z on Instagram?’

Yesterday he posted something very provocative and when I asked if he’d mind deleting it, reminding him that he promised not to post such things in future, he got very aggressive and defensive and refused to take it down. He said I was trying to censor him, and being unreasonable. Am I?

I then said, ‘I don’t see it as censoring. I see it as asking you not to do/say certain things for my sake - just as, for your sake, I never tell your mother that the reason we don’t invite her to stay any more is because we know she has tried on multiple occasions to kill our dogs, and therefore we know she’s a bit of a psycho and don’t trust her.’ I suggested to my husband that me keeping quiet about all this for his sake, so he can maintain a surface-friendly relationship with his mother, might equally be viewed as censorship. Am I being unreasonable to see this as a valid analogy?

I'm not sure if the OP saying what her dh's opinions are would he helpful. Everyone would just start arguing whether his opinions were right/wrong instead of the main point of the OP, which is that his behaviour online is causing her problems with her work.

How do you respond to people saying “How do you feel about your husband saying X, Y, or Z on Instagram”? Because for me the bigger issue here that you haven’t addressed it that people on a professional environment are asking you about your husband’s social media. Why are they seeing it? Why are they even mentioning it? And why aren’t you shutting it down immediately with “My husband’s personal life is of no relevance to our workplace”?

This. How on earth do they even know you're related unless one of you mentions it?
Unless you're 'local celebrities'?

His social media, his space!

But it shouldn't impact on your career; just like what I post shouldn't impact on my partner's career. You are not one person even though you're married you're still individuals who have independent thoughts.

I think what I’m saying is that it sounds like rather than impose healthy boundaries at work, you’re trying to control your husband’s actions

His social media, his decision what he posts. End of.

If this was a man 'well known in his field' asking this about their wife, then he would be slaughtered & the comments would be full of 'leave the selfish controlling bastard"

If you personally have an issue with his political views, then that is a separate issue entirely and would need addressing (without bringing up his social media use.)

You are not being unreasonable or censoring anyone. My partner works in the civil service and I never ever post political views or anything that could be deemed remotely provocative on socials.

Your husband is being unreasonable. Having an opinion is one thing and embellishing it with language that could be deemed offensive or harmful is another.

I have just seen this and feel that a lot of the comments are based on not going through this yourself. Does everyone honestly think that you wouldn't be effected if someone close to you was doing something to harm your career, you wouldn't care? What if it were a sibling or a child, I'm sure you would take it more seriously then, but because she married him it is her responsibility?

Especially with politics, the public are so quick to jump on the bandwagon and accuse people based on their spouses behaviour, it has already happened time and time again. We should be building women up to have important roles in society, not shaming them for asking for support from their OH. I feel this women wouldn't be asking to 'censor' her husband if it didn't affect her career but it could, and that is life-changing.

Does anyone think that someone could be Prime Minister/President with a partner like this, disregarding her hard work to actually try to change things? Perhaps instead of being a keyboard warrior he should actually try to do something that would make a difference to people, like campaigning for a cause that would help people, and that may actually be something his wife could get behind.

Let's not make excuses for immature people who insist on saying what they want regardless of the consequences to anyone else. Your husband needs to get a reality check that the world does not revolve around him. Honestly, with a mother who would do anything that you don't want done with your dogs, regardless of what, then you can see why he is not a mature adult - he has clearly had issues of his own with her if she is like that in any way and also disregards people's opinions in the same way.

If it were an unrelated job then yes, you could tell other people to ask him directly when they ask about his posts, but in this no, and in a number of other professions too. If you were a teacher, a police woman, or worked for a council at another senior level, I'm sure this would also be inappropriate conduct from someone who is supposed to be your biggest supporter. Tell him that having him be supportive means finding another avenue for his opinions. Perhaps he could write into a local newspaper with his thoughts, and I am sure that the tone of what he would write for a publication would change the way he puts it. There is a lot of evidence about behaviours online because in many ways it is read by strangers and there is a level of protection against repurcussions, even if using your own name. Having some accountability of his own may help.

I think that rather than fight this tricky battle at home, I’d tell anyone who asks that my husband is free to say what he likes and there’s no reason to think I do or don’t agree with him him. We speak for ourselves not as a couple. Etc.

I think your husband could be more mindful of what he posts online given your role.
Remember what happened to Jo Cox?
People can take politics to extreme levels.
It's fine for him to have his own views, and yes he's perfectly fine to voice them - but he can have his views and not necessarily need to post them on social media. And particularly if it puts you in difficult situations at work - why would he want to keep doing it?
I have plenty of strong views about things but I don't need to post about them on the internet.
No, he shouldn't have to keep them to himself but there's a middle ground between saying nothing and posting provocative content online when you have a wife who is directly impacted by this.

YANBU.

But op still hasn't actually said what he posts does!
It could be op works for PETA and he's posted a pic of being out for breakfast and having a fry up!

I think your main issue here is that you’ve married a man who enjoys saying provocative things online. You won’t tell us what he writes, so I’m assuming it’s something that you know/assume most of us will be appalled by. Misogynistic I suspect?
He has a Mother who lies freely with ease and has attempted to murder your dogs, not the best role model.
You could delete all social media and only interact with him IRL, then at least you won’t know or be connected to him digitally?

It is censorship if you are trying to police his posts on social media.
You need to agree a way forward, explain how this could adversely affect you both.
My husband made some disparaging and inflammatory comments on SM in the past which I hated. When the government clamped down this year after SM comments incited riots, and jail sentences were imposed, I finally made him understand that these actions can really affect people's lives adversely and he is much more sensible in his posts

We have a very unusual surname in a fairly small community. We also have two sons self employed in the area. My husband has to sit on his hands because his views could offend some of my sons clients. I suggested he use another name as my sons do on social media. But no he wants everyone to know what he really thinks.

He's an ass believing social media makes people think, it just froths them up. I have enough trouble with him in physical social settings, don't need to handle the fall out from his views on social media.

It's difficult to address this without knowing what you mean by provocative and who his posts are designed to provoke (e.g. Is he provoking white supremacists by saying that all people should be treated equally under the law? Or is he poking at specific individuals with personal criticisms and insulting memes?). I definitely don't think it's too much for you to ask for him to post his opinions without using inflammatory language or imagery. But I'm not sure that it's fair to ask him not to reveal his opinions unless your position very specifically requires neutrality.

As for his mother, she sounds like a nightmare, but it's not entirely apples to apples there. Also it sounds a little bit like you're threatening to reveal the truth to her if he doesn't censor himself better?

You won’t tell us what he writes, so I’m assuming it’s something that you know/assume most of us will be appalled by. Misogynistic I suspect?
Or it's something really innocuous which would get YABU?
If it was something that would make everyone say 'fucking hell, that's awful! Of course you are right!' I'd assume op would say?

sounds like you are silencing him then blackmailing him to keep make him tow the line. you sound lovely.

I'd be pissed off if someone was trying to censor my posts. As long as they are legal leave him alone. As for friends mentioning what he has posted just say if it bothers you block him.

Well to be fair to him, that's not the same. It's like you are saving that to be able to use it to bargain with.

I'm with your husband for at least part of this. The analogy, I think, is not the same. Keeping quiet to protect his relationship with his mother is quite a lot different than Expedia silence so that random people might not take offence.

I agree with the previous commenters who touched on the assumption that you must answer for your husband's political views. That's quite uncomfortable, I think, and I'd be telling anyone who says anything very clearly that your husband's behaviour in any context is not your responsibility and you'd rather they speak to him directly if they have a problem with him. I really despise all of this guilt by association stuff.

I also think, if your husband feels very passionately about something political, he should be able to use his social media to elevate his voice. Unless it's racist or homophobic or something, in which case, you have bigger problems.

If you in fact support his view in private I think the conversation you need to have is with yourself.
Why are you not comfortable with him saying the out loud?
An adding you not telling his mum blah blah is just bringing your character into question

I read it more as clients than friends.

I don't think it's censorship to ask your spouse to be mindful of what they say under their real name online if it could have possible consequences to household income.

Even if OP shuts fine anyone who questions her on account of her DH's posts, it won't stop people from choosing not to do business with her in the first place, because of it. They will make assumptions about her, based on his opinions. Even if they never say anything, she will be judged by the company she keeps and it could well cost her promotions or profits.

This absolutely. Where I worked it was expected that your spouse kept it zipped. It's only hot air her husband is spouting after all.

Some people take politics seriously and don't want to be censored. If you're bothered about the dog situation, speak up but don't just use it as a way of winning the current argument.