Am I ‘censoring’ my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I am very well known in my professional field and, although I have political opinions, I choose to be publicly non-political. My husband is on social media and lots of people know he’s my husband. He likes to post very partisan, provocative political things that many people would find annoying/offensive. I’ve asked him not to do this, for my sake - because my professional life is quite stressful enough without having to deal with people popping up and saying, ‘Hey, what do you think about your husband saying X, Y, Z on Instagram?’

Yesterday he posted something very provocative and when I asked if he’d mind deleting it, reminding him that he promised not to post such things in future, he got very aggressive and defensive and refused to take it down. He said I was trying to censor him, and being unreasonable. Am I?

I then said, ‘I don’t see it as censoring. I see it as asking you not to do/say certain things for my sake - just as, for your sake, I never tell your mother that the reason we don’t invite her to stay any more is because we know she has tried on multiple occasions to kill our dogs, and therefore we know she’s a bit of a psycho and don’t trust her.’ I suggested to my husband that me keeping quiet about all this for his sake, so he can maintain a surface-friendly relationship with his mother, might equally be viewed as censorship. Am I being unreasonable to see this as a valid analogy?

You are, however he could be considerate. Do you agree with his views? Why does he feel the need to be dome keyboard warrior? I would gmfind this very unattractive.

I think you should expect him to be sensitive to your position and not be a git about it as he presumably loves you and wants to support you.

He is complicating your life, potentially your position, your income.
You have to assume he doesn't like you, your job, or your politics, or "standing"

This is the crux of it really.

Sure, he can say what he likes. But he should love and support you enough not to do this, to be honest.

Well depends what's going on?
If poster started a thread saying 'dh is president of golf club and 'men's rotary, he's not happy I post in support of women's rights and against misogny on X, as is being negatively commented on by members of them' would you agree she should stop posting?

Some of you have asked how my mother-in-law tries to kill my dogs. It has varied over the years, but the main method is deliberately leaving our outer and inner front doors open in the hope that the dog will get out onto the busy road outside. She never used to be absent minded about the door before we got a dog. As soon as we got a dog, she started to do it multiple times every time she came to visit. Always denied it, and claimed my husband must’ve been the one to leave the door open. This was very plausible cover for her, because she knows we all think of my husband as generally absent minded. The thing is, he is very very good at keeping the dog safe, so I strongly suspected it was her, not him. And then one day I got concrete proof. I happened to be standing in a place where I could actually see her doing it, and she didn’t know I was there. I saw her walk along the hall and open both the inner and outer front doors, and kind of stand them fully open, before going back to the kitchen. She didn’t go outside. There was absolutely no need for her to open both doors and put them wide open like that. When I next went into the kitchen a few seconds later, she turned around, pretended to notice that the doors were open and be shocked, and she said, ‘Oh, no, the door’s open! What if the dog’s got out?’

Another time when she came to stay, I walked into the kitchen and found a full box of raisins in the dog’s food bowl! That’s why we don’t invite her any more.

I wouldn't want to be married to an attention seeking twat like that.

PA sabotage of you?
He doesn't like nor love you if he actively tries to make your life harder.

I certainly wouldn't be censoring myself to his mother going forward either.

Yes it's controlling and if I was him I would tell you to mind your own business

If I needed to treat my husband like a child I would leave him

It is controlling whether a man or women does it

Not so at all. We live in a democracy and as such we have an opportunity to vote every so often. To be informed enough to do this we need access to all the arguments and debates around matters which affect us. This is what the public square is for, its online now because they don't exist IRL anymore. But I assume he is just participating in the discourse? I doubt this is attention seeking.

To me it depends.

Is he living what he writes? So taking active steps to work towards what he sees as ideal?

Or is he just a keyboard warrior?

Id be unimpressed if someone who was just all mouth was embarrassing me. A sincere, genuine, active person would be different.

Yes, it's controlling.

If anyone had asked me about my (now ex) husband's views, I'd tell them I'm his wife, not his mother, and his views are his own and nothing to do with me.

If his views were offensive to me, I wouldn't have married him/would divorce.

Then again, I would also tell the MIL why I wasn't inviting her too. But I doubt it is only your husband's wishes that are preventing that?

Goodness me. And I've been told cancel culture was a right wing myth!!

I think we need to know what sort of views he is espousing really...

That post is somewhat contradictory, you can't say your partners views are nothing to do with you while maintaining you wouldn't have married someone whose views you take exception to. Because the latter statement implies you do agree with said views.

I'm with the OP - while her husband has a right to post whatever he likes, we all have to adjust our behaviours to fit our environment and not damage people we care for. We don't go through life being completely blunt in our workplaces, to our children's teachers etc. We are tactful and consider consequences and this oils the wheels of social interaction.
I can't imagine that thinking my right to rant about shit on the internet is more pressing a priority than helping to protect my husband's job, which pays the mortgage etc.

I say tell his mum she's a murdering psycho - see how he likes it when your words cause him discomfort!

I'd also delete him off any of my social media tbh. And actually I'd reconsider if I wanted to stay in a relationship with someone who was willing to make my life harder, so he can argue with strangers online. It's not like he's out there campaigning for the betterment of peoples lives.

Unfortunately, it isn’t. We genuinely have grown adults wanting things deleted or removed from their line of sight in case it upsets them or others.
Being offended is the worst affliction known to man kind.

Yep, sorry. The analogy doesn't quite work. And there's no clear way round this.

He is entitled to his opinions and to share them in his own name, but at the same time, he's being inconsiderate to you, and in your place I'd be really frustrated. If he simply isn't getting that it's a problem I really don't know how to adress it.

Yes, in the short term, just shutting down any comments from others is all you can do.
I'd like to think that in professional life I wouldn't visit the sins of the spouse on a colleague or contact, but not judging their choice of partner might take some effort.

I don't know your line of work, but if it was relevant and you said 'I think I'm about to lose a contract because of your post' (or equivalent) what do you think his reaction would be?

The analogy does work, but only because you're odd and disingenuous on both counts. Your H bizarrely wants to conceal the fact he believes his mother to be a psychopath who would kill dogs. You want to conceal the fact the closest person in your life holds values contrary to those you purport to support professionally. I don't believe you should censor your H, no. If he holds those views its disingenuous for you to make him conceal them so people don't find out you're choosing to be married to someone who says things like that. You need to publicly disassociate, and reflect on whether, given the disconnect between his values and your image, you are either in the wrong job, or with the wrong man.

Its worse than that. The offence is usually not the prime motivator. The real reason is that people don't want bystanders to persuaded by any rhetoric they disagree with. Lest it prove to have any influence.

I think your husband is right.

And you shut down the people running to you asking what you think about what he said on SM.

That seems strange.

I would just ignore anyone messaging me asking what I think about my husband's views. It's none of their business and I'd wonder if they were asking so they could rant at me rather than him! They clearly have too much time on their hands. If they care that much they can have a real life conversation with me about my own opinions on [insert topic here] if it's that important to them.

I wouldn't be bending over backwards to placate a vocal minority of people who may threaten to take their business elsewhere because of something my husband posted on social media. In the real world most people aren't like this. I hope we're not yet living in a society where employers can sack you for opnions your family members express online.

"It's not like he's out there campaigning for the betterment of peoples lives"

Do we know this? Did I miss a post? I can imagine Glinners wife was uncomfortable with his online activity but my goodness am I forever grateful and indebted to his efforts to stand up for women and girls.

Agree with others above - you are not your husband, his opinions have nothing to do with you or your career.

Anyone mentioning it gets a very bland, 'I've no idea about my husband's social media, you would have to ask him.'

It's similar to people commenting on his fashion taste on social media when you are a fashion designer. He's not your employee or model, he makes his own choices.

It depends what you mean by 'provocative':

-Does he have racist/xenophobic/misogynist views or supports crazy conspiracies theories? because I could not be with someone like that. In which case the fact that he expresses these views on social media is just a aspect of the issue. I assume he is like that in real life as well and you should ask yourself why you choose to marry such a man.

-If he just happen to have a different political view to yours then that is entirely is choice.

Shut the people down who's asking or divorce your husband if it's that bad to you. You can't tell him what he's allowed to say.