Am I ‘censoring’ my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I am very well known in my professional field and, although I have political opinions, I choose to be publicly non-political. My husband is on social media and lots of people know he’s my husband. He likes to post very partisan, provocative political things that many people would find annoying/offensive. I’ve asked him not to do this, for my sake - because my professional life is quite stressful enough without having to deal with people popping up and saying, ‘Hey, what do you think about your husband saying X, Y, Z on Instagram?’

Yesterday he posted something very provocative and when I asked if he’d mind deleting it, reminding him that he promised not to post such things in future, he got very aggressive and defensive and refused to take it down. He said I was trying to censor him, and being unreasonable. Am I?

I then said, ‘I don’t see it as censoring. I see it as asking you not to do/say certain things for my sake - just as, for your sake, I never tell your mother that the reason we don’t invite her to stay any more is because we know she has tried on multiple occasions to kill our dogs, and therefore we know she’s a bit of a psycho and don’t trust her.’ I suggested to my husband that me keeping quiet about all this for his sake, so he can maintain a surface-friendly relationship with his mother, might equally be viewed as censorship. Am I being unreasonable to see this as a valid analogy?

Ooh I like your response to him!

He has the right to represent himself however he wants online, however I can't really fathom having a partner say 'I'm a bit worried about how what you are saying might come back to me professionally, I'm already getting comments' and not immediately being mortified and worried I had damaged my partners career!
I'm a bit torn on this - it kind of depends what he's been saying and what you do...
Jane working for a local accountancy firm and John is saying 'the lizards are coming to get us' online.
Jane works in politics and her husband posts about what a corrupt load of wankers the conservatives are.
Jane works as a CEO of a non-profit and her husband is posting incel stuff.
Jane works in tech and her husband is posting anti-vax stuff.
The combo and scenario matters, I think!

It depends on what the views actually are. How ‘off’ they are. I think many of us could use social media more responsibly. Words are important, even if you’re choosing to write them and not actually say them.

is he actually trying to rile you? How is the rest of your relationship?

Does he get a benefit from your reputation? Like income, perks, more credibility? If so I think he’s being totally U.

There are loads of sensible ways that one can support causes/ individuals, donating, volunteering, reaching out individually. Posting provocative crap on X is probably the least helpful. And I suspect doing it in his name makes not a jot of difference, save to make your life just that bit more difficult.

I suspect he’s doing it deliberately to piss you off or because he resents your success. With this and the unhinged MIL I think I’d be suggesting a bit of a trial separation. Try leaving both doors open for him instead…

To be honest, I probably wouldn't be with someone who posted offensive things on social media. And no, different political views are not automatically offensive.

If no children involved, you hate his mother and his views - divorce him.
I don't think you are compatible

Am I being unreasonable to see this as a valid analogy?

Yes, you are. It's pretty obvious that keeping your views quiet about one person who is your husband's mother for all sorts of sensible reasons around family loyalty and dynamics in in no way comparable to keeping your views on current events suppressed.

Going off topic what is her motive for trying to kill the dogs?! Is she mentally unwell or always been an unhinged person.

Jeez I’d be posting online about this, the crazy old horror 😲😲😲

This is difficult one because quite of lot of fairly standard views are seen as extreme or embarrassing on social media. I’m always fascinated by the silent majority because people’s voting and actions often don’t match the trends on social media. I think it is reasonable to ask him to post under a pseudonym if it genuinely has a negative impact on your job. If you are just a bit embarrassed but it doesn’t matter then I would let him go ahead.

I think it's a reasonable analogy... yes it's 'not the same' exactly, but I think your husband is being more unreasonable to be posting things that could impact your career than you would be if you told your MiL why she can't visit.

It's not censorship to ask someone to curb what they say if it's going to affect you. As he'd promised not to do it, you certainly weren't unreasonable to remind him and ask him to take it down. His response was very poor - he knows he was in the wrong.

In fact his response is rather DARVO.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. While I think your husband has a right to his views, I also think that posting provocative stuff online isn't the best way to precipitate any kind of change but instead leads to more division and the further entrenchment of people's views within their own echo chambers. Social media simply isn't the place for that kind of debate because by its very nature (fast-moving, surface level, short and snappy) it doesn't allow for any kind of nuance. I also think we all have a much bigger duty of care/consideration to the people in our real lives, whether that's spouses, family or friends, than to strangers online. So I think your husband is being unreasonable in prioritising 'supporting' online strangers/acquaintances (which isn't even an effective way to change the things he cares about) over the very real potential for harm that his posts could cause for you (and by extension, to him, if your job is essential to your household income).

Also, your MIL sounds absolutely hideous and I'm both tremendously glad you don't invite her to stay any more and extremely impressed that you've managed to hold off from confronting her/maintained any kind of contact at all!

Taking a forthright stance on one side or the other of the farmers' IHT policy would be very different from taking a forthright stance that all immigrants should be deported.

The danger with that though @RadioBamboo is that 'acceptable' is subjective. Either it's okay to express personal opinion or it isn't. GC females for example have been deemed on largest swathes of social media to be unacceptable, but to this who strongly hold the view, it's completely reasonable.
Provided no one is physically threatening another person, we kind of have to accept that if we defend the dh's right to say what he wants, he may well be saying things we personally think is deeply offensive!

I think it would be better if he protected his wife rather than people on the internet because surely I. Life our first responsibility is to our families?
Besides, it's self sabotage if he costs his wife money and this ends up affecting his own lifestyle.

This. You are censoring him .

If he's just joe bloggs, spouting his opinions to his 50 followers then it's different to if he's a major influencer with 100k followers who gets noticed.

If he's just joe bloggs, then why does his real name need to be associated with it? He's just making trouble for you for giggles and that is unreasonable.

If he's a major influencer/well-known then you have a bigger problem, and you need to publicly distance yourself from his opinions as publicly as he's making them.

Why do so many of the men talked about on this thread want to say provocative things? What this about?

So you have a DH who posts offensive stuff on social media and a MIL who’s tried to kill your dog? Yikes.

Are you saying that his views are so extreme that they pose a threat to your professional reputation? Because if people are questioning you about the things he posts, I'm guessing his 'partisan' posts aren't just normal moaning about the government or taking the piss out of the Tories. We're presumably talking about aggressively extremist stuff and not just mainstream political debate.

You can't stop your husband from posting his views on social media. If his views are extreme enough to make you ashamed and embarrassed, marrying him was a strange choice.

I hate people moaning about being censored when they're not. You're deffo not censoring him - you've asked him and he can choose to do it or not. If he doesn't do it you might be pissed off with him, but this is just dealing with the consequences of what you say.

"If no children involved, you hate his mother and his views - divorce him.
I don't think you are compatible"

Wouldn't you want to get children away from these people?

Is it actually offensive or provocative? Can we have some examples

I think I'd separate my social media accounts from his and go the full block. Although I don't know a lot about twitter or it's mechanics.

Well the apple does not fall far from the tree then. I can’t believe she tried to kill your dog and his response is let’s just keep it to ourselves, eh?! What a pair of nut jobs.

It sounds problematic because he is saying one thing and doing another. If he agreed not to post and then did anyway, he should at least have the consideration to reopen the discussion rather than just going back on your agreement.